The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Amber,
Happy Birthday and way to go, girl! We CAN live with and like being with ourself. It’s a huge step and you’ve done it! Awesome birthday present!
I have developed chronic debilitating allergies, and take antihistamines. (this is funny given Cat and my banter about being allergic to spaths)
for the last year – in response to having been threatened by the N ex (fist in front of my face) and after a few years of sleep dep. (due to environmental factors), that i was no longer willing to endure, I started using a more sedating antihistamine at night to sleep.
for a whole year i have done this. well, i am sneezing and tearing like fucking mad (have to get on another regime), BUT I HAVE GONE TO SLEEP THE LAST TWO NIGHTS WITHOUT SEDATION!
This is a coup. I feel so much more AWAKE! I have been having such a hard time focusing on my work since being spathed – i realized (after i got out of the full panic mode) that part of it is that I am still sedated in the mornings. so, am trying a little experiment.
I feel a lot more awake. can’t breath through my nose , but i am awake! 🙂
Wow! Lightsaber,
Love, love, love what you have posted. Thank-you! Beyond it being extremely poetic, it really hits the darkness on the head, and KILLS it.
I don’t know how long you have been here on LF, or how long you have ‘been out’ of the terror. But you are definitely on the right track of understanding.
Welcome.
Warriorgrl, slim
GO AMBER!!!!!!! Happy b-day and JOYOUS no contact!
Hopeful–
I agree with onestep, who has a good head on her lovely shoulders, repeat as much as you need to. This healing is an onion, layer after layer. And sometimes lots of crying as we peel them back!
You just keep speaking out as much as you are comfortable.
Amber:
Happy Birthday girl!!!
Glad to hear things are going well…..and YOUR doing so well!!
Keep it up girl and let the snowball grow and grow to a happy and fat snowman for ya!
Have a wonderful Birthday!!!
XXOO
EB
SLIM, I THINK YOU HAVE THE START OF A GREAT GREETING CARD LINE:
‘Happy b-day and JOYOUS no contact!’
Happy Birthday Amber!!! I want to send you a birthday / anti spath card with a picture of Oxy flying through the air weilding a skillet in both hands and smacking all the spaths on the ground to kingdom come 😛 Have a wonderful day – bathe in the good wishes that are coming from around the world for you!!!!
‘Lo there everyone!
Happy Friday! Today was semi-rough. I bought the “Women who love psychopath” e-book by Sandra Brown. It was very good and there were many “ahhhhh” moments in the text. Sometimes I am absolutely certain that the spathole cannot possibly be acting normal with this new woman. One just cannot turn off their pathology like that, right? RIGHT??? Herein lies my problem. I am constantly doubting that, and of course, really feeding into my own self-doubt which my spathole very subtly, and happily, perpetuated. I know everyone here knows what I’m talking about. And then I start thinking that maybe he wasn’t as sick as I think and he is able to have normalcy in relationships. Then I have to remind myself that normal people just DON’T do all the stuff he did. Not even close. My therapist says that my spathole is an absolute professional when it comes to lying. One thing about my spathole–the man is extremely intelligent and educated, but at age 39 hasn’t been able to hold a job. Definitely a user! He was homeless for a time after finshing grad school at Harvard (at age 33) and was a “squatter” and his girlfriend was giving him money every day. So he’s a user. But then again, spathole is synonymous with user, isn’t it! This new woman’s family lives in an affluent part of the city and her father is a pediatric dentist, so I think I’m correctly assuming they have money. My therapist says she can completely see him deciding that he wants to be “taken care of”, and deciding to marry one of these women. I hate spathole so much and want him to crawl into a corner and die. I need to be reminded that he IS a spathole. The thing is, he is such a good liar and SO charming, that I can see someone being fooled for a while. When I think back on all the times that were sketchy, I can see clearly that something was going on, but without missing a beat he could make me feel so loved, AND like he was capable of loving, all the while doing absolutely horrendous things without my knowledge. And I never would have known if I hadn’t gotten on his computer and found all this stuff out. We would have broken up, and probably would have stayed friends (which is what he wanted) because I thought he was just a confused guy with some problems. Also, he stayed friends with some of his ex’s, who must not have a clue what he is like. I think, well, I almost didn’t find out what he was like, so I’ll bet they never did! I hate him. Did I say that already? Fucking spatholes suck. 🙁 Can we swear on here? ‘Cause I just did and it felt good. 😀
hopeful – ohhh , how i luuuuv to swear. 😉
it just pops right out. i use the b word for the spath – I NEVER use that word. i use the f word a lot. it’s exclamatory and just such an awesome word. 🙂
if you want, you can put #$%, or f*ck – i try to a bit here, cause i swear A LOT, and i know it can be offensive to people in general.
you’d be surprised what those women know about him! friends? he was friends with them? hmmm. a bit unlikey if you read all the stories here…more likely he had them ‘waiting on the sidelines to be pulled back in.’ (is this helping to remind you that he is a spathhole?)
so, mister smoothy is out there doing his thing, trying to milk a rich situaion – poor girl. and lucky you, that it’s not you who he is sucking the life out of.
and although it would be great if he did meet some horrible quiet end, your best bet is to get out there and LIVE LOUD!