The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
One Step,
Live Loud! I like that! It’s about time because I’ve been so depressed for the last 6 months. Spatholes have this effect, you know. 😀 Okay, I’m going to use the the funny “marks” to denote swearing when I am so inclined. Come to think about it, the two ex’s he claims to be friends with live in another part of the country. One is married. BOTH broke up with him, and left him for others. Interestingly, I was always upset because I wanted to meet his friends and he had a lot of women friends. I didn’t mind him having women friends, but I just didn’t want to be excluded all the time like I was. One woman that he stayed very good friends with, he dated briefly. BUT I found out the nature of his “friendship” with her. She actually enables this nasty behavior with him. I’m sure of it. When I found his texts and stuff, he had texted her one evening saying that he had “double-booked” it. I don’t know if you know what that means, but that means having two dates in one evening. I also remember, early on, he and I had gone to a concert (of course I was the one who paid) and while we were walking there, this woman friend of his called and he was saying “yes, I’m walking there right now.” But it was all in a sketchy, vague manner, and then he started talking in a sexual manner regarding her boyfriend and joking in a way that I was not comfortable with. Anyway, the next morning at about 9am, this same woman called and I based on what the spathole said I could tell that she asked if I was still there. I also got the sense that this girl called on purpose, and also the night prior when we were walking to the concert. I don’t know if I’m articulating this well, but hopefully you get my drift. All I know is that if I had a male friend that starting talking to me in a sexual manner, even about my current boyfriend, and doing it in front of their date or girlfriend, I wouldn’t be cool with that. And this girl def knew that I was there based on what was said. I strongly get the feeling that this woman friend of his is definitely in “kahoots” with him. I get the feeling this woman is not very mentally healthy either. Also, I feel I need to mention that when I talked to some women he had cheated on me with, he was lying about his age to them (saying he was 34, not 39) and pulling manipulative, nasty stuff, too. At the end, 6 months ago, he said that he knew how much work he needed to do on himself and that he was going to therapy, which was a LIE, and that he REALLY wanted a real relationship with someone. Also, he said that he was really going to want to call me after he had been in therapy 6 months and it was going really well. He said that he was going to look back and see that he had what he really wanted. I could see that he was telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. It doesn’t matter at all to him that he crushed me with his lies. Not a bit. His infrequent “I’m sorrys” were SO hollow. And I WANTED to buy it. Okay, so he’s a spathole, right?
hopfeful:
YA THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is so not, ‘remained friends with’.
you just laid it all out – all the spathiness.
the cahoots one – doesn’t necessarily know what she’s doing. and probably borderline personality disorder.
and honey – no ‘drift’ here, it’s a f*cking white out!
Polly: hope you threw BUILDINGS AT HIM!
One Step!
Oh, you are just too funny. “No drift…it’s a f***ing white out!” Good point about the “cahoots” one. She doesn’t necessarily know. Thanks, one step.
Hopeful~
your’re welcome – it’s my new anti spath service.
the last 2 days have been wild in spathland for me. I posted this am – somewhere here, about what’s been going on.
and tongiht i found out that the fraud case against her has been kicked – I am watching the the Haiti disaster relief concert (Much Music) and a favourit singers music touched me, and……………..
I CAN’T BLEIEVE WHAT THIS WOMAN TRIED TO STEEEEAAALLL FROM ME. I GAVE , I GAVE TO HIM…IN LOVE, BUT IT WANS’T REAL IT WAS THIS FUCKING COW IN A FUCKING HOUSE IN CHICAGO DOING THIS ON PURPOSE TO ME,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I CRY, I CRY, I CRY, I CRY,
SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME, SHE DIDN’T CARE FOR ME….
HE will not care for me. he will not let me help him ‘fly’, i will never …………..or…………. can’t. can’t. not real. doesn’t………
evil comes in ‘smallish’ pkgs.
tonight is a night of wailing…………..now justin timberlake singing leonard cohen’s ‘hallelujah’ is causing tears to flow….
One Step – I am here. I am watching the Haiti thing on TV as well. With that and worried about my X wife, this is a dark evening for me as well.
Your X bf really didnt exsist, my x bf had a body suit. So I can physically remember his deciet. I am trying to comfort you here. I will suggest that you crank up the volume on your TV and let the tears flow. Tears release toxins, stress and anger and pain. I cried off and on for a year after the spath. I mean big snot slobbering tear episodes. It would just come over me. I have this place I go sometimes, I refer to it as my hill, far away from any other human’s. I screamed and cried at the universe, at God, at those who have betrayed me, living and dead. I asked for forgiveness from those I have betrayed, living and dead. It was a great release of years of holding back, cause ‘real men dont cry’ well guess what they do, I do and I recommend it highly..so step girl – crank up the volume and let it flow – …
hens this is absolutely beautiful.
thank you.