The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Sheep can teach us about love and it’s pretty scary!
Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths
one/joy_step_at_a_time
….and fuck it, I AM GONNA DANCE AS I CRY!!!!!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
BECAUSE LILY ALLEN ROCKS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvWj18LeU1g
pollyannanomore
Yay one step – after the tears comes strength!!! And anger in bucketloads!
Hens I can so relate to the snotty crying – I actually dribbled on several occasions I was so distraught. I cried like that when he was here torturing me too though so not much different except now my crying is good – it’s grief over what he stole from me rather than
“How could he treat me this way? But he says he loves me!!! What am I going to do???”
I haven’t cried half as much since he left – the anger is a good thing – keeps the crying at bay. But I still have times when I sob like a 2 yr old and let the snot run right down my upper lip. I wail and scream at God ‘How could you let this happen to me when I was such a good person?! I rescued your f***ing kittens and injured birds for f***s sake! I was one of the good ones! Please tell me you’re about to rain a shower of fire on him to make up for it!’
Then in the midst of the tears I remember something that makes me angry or I self talk myself better. I put on some pumping music and usually clean my environment – it always makes me feel better. My current fave is Rage against the machine 😛 especially Killing in the name of …
I yell out that line ‘F*** you I won’t do what you tell me!’ over and over again – the neighbours must think I am a kook lol
Sorry you were sad tonight One Step – what an egg that monster was to not see all the goodness and kindness in you. You have a wonderful partner coming who WILL see it all – I feel it in my bones (did you know I have telepathic bones??? 🙂
lightsaber
slimone – thank you! 🙂 I have been on LF for about 2 1/2 months and out of the terror for about the same length of time. I changed my name. It used to be a song.
ErinBrock
Lightsaber….can you refresh my memory and then DEE LEETE it…..I have a hard time keeping track of who ‘new ‘ names are….
THANKS!
lightsaber
I will back later to put my old name in again. It was up here too long. I’ll post when you are online 🙂
A couple of quotes by Martin Luther King Jr. that I wanted to share:
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
“Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”
slimone
Ahhh Onestep….I hope today is a little lighter for you;that the crying and dancing was a release. I don’t know what else to say sweetie, ‘cept I am holding you in my heart.
slimone
Lightsaber,
I cannot keep track of all of what goes on here at LF, including name changes….but I am loving your posts, and by whatever name, am glad you are here.
slimone
Hopeful—-Oh yeah, he’s a spat! A big fat lying void of a hole!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Slim – love the double negative!!! ‘void of a hole’= the nothingness of nothingness. hahahaha true crispy creme dude!
i am actually hung over from too much time on the computer (electronic stuff does this to me over time) and too much time focussed on spath the last few days – but it has been transformational.
so, awesome. as much as i would like to collapse on the bed and zone out, i need to buoy myself; go out into the world; be in the sunshine, WALK my computer butt around; do some thinking about housing and make a plan for job hunting………..
…………and shop for groceries. 😉
last night was good. lightsaber and i talked a bit here during the day, and then hens said something so beautiful it just touched my heart in the nicest, gentlest of ways; i wrote the spath’s other dupe (which i haven’t been able to do for a while, held up mentally); and posted some silly angry stuff to her blog about the spath. I am just plain tired. so, i have to make myself go out into the world – one step at a time.
🙂