Psychopaths are good at draining our finances and leaving us emotionally wrecked. Since I am still going through my custody battle (and likely will for a long time), I constantly think about ways I can make this experience less painful. Dealing with the aftermath of having a child with someone who has a personality disorder is traumatic.
If I have learned one lesson this past year its how important it is to find peace in this sea of chaos. Even after instituting as much “no contact” as is possible my child’s psychopathic parent, I have come to realize that there are people who like to fuel the drama of a psychopath for either entertainment or financial reasons. These people don’t necessarily have a personality disorder themselves, but they have their own personal motivations to keep the psychopath’s drama train on the tracks and headed right toward their victim.In the past year, I have learned many hard (and expensive) lessons. I wish I had known about these “Psychopath drama fuelers” before getting into my custody war with Luc because I would have tried to avoid them (at least to the degree that I could).
Psychopaths keep lawyers, police, judges, social workers, etc employed because custody cases involving psychopaths seem to never end. Even if there isn’t a child in the mix, people with severe personality disorders always end up needing lawyers and coming into contact with police. In addition to financial predators, there are also those people who surround themselves by this drama because they, too, get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching us suffer at the hands of the psychopath.I am sure that for every example I give, many of you who are also recovering from a relationship with a psychopath could come up with several of your own. I never noticed these people before I met Luc, but after I found myself laying on the train tracks of chaos with a psychopath headed right for me – tons of people came out of the woodwork to support Luc to make sure he continued on his path of destruction. These people seem to be everywhere and always willing to help the psychopath by fueling his delusions and lying to support his stories (even folks who are supposed to be neutral). While it is sometimes impossible to control those the psychopath brings to court, you can identify those predators who will surround you in order to exploit your pain for financial gain and/or push your buttons in order to incite further drama. Here are the two categories of Psychopath drama fuelers I have been able to identify:
Those who fuel for entertainment: (Supervised Visitation “Professional”)
At the conclusion of the first custody trial, Luc was ordered supervised visitation for a few months (until an access review hearing). Not knowing better, I suggested that we just go with the woman who had been recommended by the court evaluator. She had been supervising visits for eight years and she was a retired police officer.
Looking back on it, I should have questioned what type of person enters into this sort of “side job” and made sure I got references from families vice just the court. While some people might do it for the extra cash or for some actual altruistic reason, I now suspect that our supervisor took this side job for entertainment value. Over the course of the supervised visitation period, it appeared as though this woman enjoyed chaos and would often attempt to make me feel worse about the situation (while trying to appear sympathetic). At first I didn’t want to accept that she could be playing both sides, but now I understand that its best to limit my interaction with this woman.
The first clue that she couldn’t be trusted was when she would lie about what occurred on the visits (we had a third party watching). The baby would cry the entire time and Luc would sometimes fall asleep on the ground in the play area while he was supposed to be watching the baby. After these visits, the supervisor would say things like, “he did a great job today. I know this is hard for you to take. He is very charming.” Even though the supervisor mentioned her concerns about how he made his money (had hundreds in his wallet each week) and the fact that she believed he was delusional (based on his outlandish stories that were not based in reality), she got on the stand during the trial and told the court she had no concerns about Luc. As she got off the stand, she turned to me and winked. I felt like she had stabbed me.
When Luc was awarded unsupervised visits, the supervisor called me and said she couldn’t believe the court would do such a thing given all the terrible things he had done. I wanted to jump through the phone and punch her, but instead I continued to listen. She went on to tell me that she was concerned that Luc would kill me someday and how she worried he would take off with the baby and never come back. The week of the first visit, she actually had the nerve to ask me if I thought Luc would kill baby boy for a life insurance policy. I finally asked her why in hell she didn’t mention these concerns on the stand. Her response was, “well I don’t have any solid proof.”
So why does she say these things to me and then clam up on the stand? Well, she enjoys seeing me freak out. She feels better about herself to watch someone in such a terrible position. I have stopped sharing information with her and I no longer fall into her drama traps. While the supervisor’s comments may not have been outside the realm of possibility, they served no purpose other than to upset me as she was not willing to say them on the stand.
Those who fuel for financial benefit:
I have gone through three different law firms in the past year. My theory is that lawyers can smell a woman (or man) who is devastated and in desperate need of protection against a psychopath (for herself and most importantly her child). When there is a child involved, they act like vultures swooping down on fresh roadkill. They all want a piece of the meat and they want to take you for all you have. Lawyers also love these cases because they know that you are likely to be a cash cow. Custody wars with psychopaths are like gushing wounds that never stop bleeding. I have learned that with lawyers they will fuel this fight on and on until you can no longer pay – then they will disappear fat and happy (only to resurface again when they think they can get more out of you). Even if its in the child’s best interest to have no contact with the psychopath parent, its my belief that many of these lawyers fight to keep you in a situation where you can be a continuous cash cow. They are not interested in setting precedent and doing what is right – they just want your money.
How to avoid these people (or how to treat them if you are stuck with them):
To a certain extent, I realize that I was bound to come into contact with these people at some point in my custody war with Luc. Knowing that they exist, however, is half the battle. My best advice is to try and identify the motivation behind a person’s actions and pay close attention to these actions in relation to what they are telling you.
With an entertainment seeking Psycho drama fueler, limit your exposure to this person. In my case with the supervisor (she is doing the visitation exchanges now), I treat her just as I would treat the psychopath himself – no contact. Someone else interfaces with her and I limit my communication to only what is necessary. I don’t let Luc send messages through her beyond voicing when he is going to cancel a visit. If I don’t play into her attempts to draw me into conversation, she won’t have the ability to provoke me. Each visit, she is met with another member of my family and it appears as though she is less vocal with her provocations when I am not there.
As far as lawyers are concerned, be your own advocate. These people are only worried about their finances. You are just a client to them. If you discover a way to make litigation less expensive or you want them to push for something in particular – do not take no for an answer. Consider searching for a law firm experienced in fighting for the rights of victims of domestic abuse. Even though Luc never slapped me or punched me in the face, I was still abused and I now realize that I deserved for my case to be presented to the court this way.
You are your child’s best defense against the psychopath. As soon as we identify these Psychopath drama fuelers, it is easier to turn the tables and get them to work for us instead of against us.
Slim, just saw your comment. Yes, reality TV is full of psychopaths AND drama fuelers. lol
I also think your comment about people being happy to see you turn into a victim after they envy you is very interesting. One of the things I remember about Luc is how he made it seem as if all his past relationships ended because of him dumping them. In reality, all of us left with we discovered how truly demented he is. That being said, I kick myself now when I think about how I thought I was special and that he had found something in me that he didn’t in anyone else. I also thought I was the first person he had proposed to. Turns out I was at least the third. (though he never married any of us)
C’queen,
I am so sorry you and your child are going through such a mess, they use those innocent children as pawns to hurt “us” with.
The FENCE SITTERS, the people without any spine who see evil and either are too stuipid to recognize it, or just flat don’t give a flip, they are necessary for the psychopaths to thrive.
I’ve been reading a lot since my surgery and have currently read some books about Soviet history in WWI and WWII and German history in WWI and WWII and how the psychopaths came to rule and destroy because people who did see the evil, did nothing.
Even some of the people who ended up losing their own lives lived in denial until it was too late.
I think in particular of one story where a man “saw” Hitler and what was going to happen and he decided to take his family, leave all their possessions behind and walk out of Germany which he did and went to Canada.
He plead with his friends to go with him, that it was not safe to stay, but they said to him, “but WHAT would we do with our furniture?” His daughter said that they left at night and walked and she saw her mother give her wedding ring to a man for a boat ride across a river, but they survived and all their friends died, killed by Hitler and the few with him, but mostly by their own failure to see what is going on. The majority of Germans weren’t killers, but the ones who were not, did not stop those who were. They sat on the fence and did nothing. That allowed the evil to thrive.
Sometimes it is like my egg donor literally financing the psychopath, giving them strength and the resources necessary to persist with their evil intentions. Knowing the psychopath is evil, yet denying it.
I’ve done lots of denial myself in the past, but I finally came to the realization that I had to FACE REALITY OR DIE. I chose to face reality. I still do.
Ox Drover,
You are right about those who sit back and watch even though they know its wrong. Luc’s mother was in denial until the end (when she died violently in her own home). I have been told by Luc’s family that a week before she died she finally admitted that she was done financing Luc through all of his terror. Unfortunately, she was too late with this discovery of reality. I am glad you chose to see reality as I know that must have been heartbreaking.
.
Thank you !!! Thank you !!! Thank you !!!
.
Thank you — for EXPOSING THE TRUTH about
these people (the ‘Drama Fuelers”) who “get
a (sick) kick” out of watching innocent others
go through repeated battles with a psychopath !!!
.
Their behavior reminds me of the people
who the Germans refer to as engaging in
‘Schadenfreude’ (which means “deriving
pleasure from someone else’s misfortune”)
— and I personally believe their behavior
is simply a more subtle form of psychopathy.
.
In my opinion — they are simply the psychopath’s
‘silent partners’ (ex. when asked to tell what they
know, suspect or witnessed, they become ‘mute’)
… or sometimes, ‘not so silent partners’ (ex. they
love to vocalize their “concerns” to the target of
the psychopath — without doing anything to help
the target — simply to ‘observe’ their reaction).
.
And I think they are no ‘better’ (or even ‘different’) than
the person who is the ‘obvious’ psychopath — in fact, in
some ways they are worse due to the simple fact that at
least with an ‘obvious’ psychopath the target ‘knows’ they
are in danger — but the ‘silent’ psychopaths are so ‘subtle’
they can ‘do their damage’ (via the ‘obvious’ psychopath)
and have their role in someone else’s misery go completely
unnoticed by most people (including, on occasion, the target).
.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude
.
http://dealingwithtoxicpeople.blogspot.com/2010/03/enablers-are-secondary-abusers.html
.
http://www.wearesurvivors.org/?p=1736
.
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466787
.
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466788
.
http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466780
.
Oxy!
How are you? How was the surgery, and how is your leg? I read your post about your roof – really sorry about all the pain and difficulty you’ve been going through lately.
Hope you’re hanging in there OK.
BTW, the story you wrote about is almost exactly my in-laws situation. They escaped Communist China, but before the Cultural Revolution. At that time my FIL was in line to inherit what was left of a massive estate – at that point they thought they were still being told they’d keep a percentage of their property and their personal goods. My FIL just ‘knew’ that he should get out – everyone thought he was completely crazy, including his brand new wife who had to leave her wedding ring behind to get out. Turns out both sets of parents were tortured and passed away shortly afterward. My FIL had to keep silent about it, specifically because he was so ridiculed by people in his own family for contemplating it. But the other thing that people don’t realize is that a ‘culture’ had been created where everyone was encouraged to ‘snitch’ on one another; no-one knew who to trust. It eventually got to the point where children were strong-armed to snitch on their parents, the ones who did got plum jobs, the ones who didn’t sometimes suffered the same fate as their parents. Mao, Stalin and Hitler actually traded and copied techniques from one another.
Cappucinoqueen,
Just thinking about your post re: how so many of the support people are frightened of Luc. I’m starting to think that a good many decent people are just overwhelmed and don’t have the skills to know how to handle truly dangerous or threatening individuals. The image that comes to mind was how so many mobsters were actually convicted not on their mob activities, but on tax evasion, fraud, etc…
It’s just too too much for most people to handle when they come face to face with evil – particularly if they’ve spent most of their lives thinking that anyone who talked about it had to be slightly crazy or hystrionic. I’m starting to think that we need to find a way to make it easier for those people to do the right thing, but perhaps not head on as we’d prefer.
Is there a way that those people could start to build ‘smaller’ cases against Luc, that would be easier for them to get behind? Those can sometimes add up enough to tip the scales as much as someone putting themselves fully on the line – as your custody evaluator did.
Annie,
I am doing as well (or better) than I could have hoped medically. The surgery turned out to be more complex and I had to get a donor tendon as mine was totally worthless and broken.
Just a non-commercial plug here for folks who have not thought about donating their eyes, kidneys, and other body parts after their death, PLEASE CONSIDER IT….without the wonderful donation of a tendon from some deceased person who wanted to help others even after their death, I would have been crippled in that leg forever. Now I will walk again and probably run!
I am chaffing at the bit to be more mobile, being “down” is frustrating for me as I “feel” good but don’t need to be up much until this thing has some time to heal. I ahve been fortunate to have wonderful friends and a wonderful son to care for me body and soul! And I have lots of books and DVDs to keep me entertained. And lots of good comments and articles to read here on LF and can be back at my computer for a little time before Ihave to go back to a chair or bed.
Annie, I am so glad your family got out when they did. You know, I have read a lot about the history of China and Mao and the horror of 60 million people (that is 10 times what Hitler killed) who were tortured, starved and killed in China. I have read two books by Mao supporters (at first) one an American and one a Chinese, who were tortured for years in prison by Mao who knew them personally to “prove” to himself that they were loyal no matter what. Fortunately these two men eventually got out of DENIAL (one after 10 years in prison was still loyal) and escaped to write their stories.
I have also read stories about Russia and Germany and the millions that Stalin killed. Just finished one by an English diplomat in Russia before WWI and he stayed and was in prisoned by Lenin and then finally released and escaped. He told it from the “inside” as he knew what was going on and the Russian people sat by impassive.
So many psychopaths, Mao, Lenin, Stalin, Hitler rise to the top, and there are many more in power NOW all over the world and people suffering terribly. My heart goes out to these people who have no power, and no resources…especially women in N. Africa and the middle East where in some cases even the “culture” is psychopathic.
Most of us have had to deal with only one or two real psychopaths but not without some power to escape. We need to be like your ancestor and listen to our guts!
In the wild it is the animal who is CAUTIOUS and does NOT IGNORE the signs that something is “off” or that there is danger that survives. We must listen to our guts about other people, because essentially other people are the only predators on humans. We have done away with lions and tigers as predators and only left those that appear human to prey on the rest of us.
Annie, you make a good point about building smaller cases. Unfortunately, both me and several other of his victims (including his surviving family who came to terms with the reality) have handed the police clear evidence of crimes he has committed. He has even admitted to a few of them under oath during my custody trial. What his family was told by the police is that they don’t want to get him on something small when they are trying to prove bigger things. IMHO, Luc is untouchable. When people are arrested and put in jail for speeding….it doesn’t make sense that he gets to go around committing crime after crime while the justice system just turns its back. As I stated in one of my previous posts…to me, this whole situation has been the “death of justice”. I never really understood, until now, how hard it is for someone to bring someone to justice. Those criminals in jail probably committed several crimes before they were actually caught or they were just not very smart. It’s sad…but its been my experience.
Hi Annie and Slim, good to see you both.
Yes, the minions are the problem. Spaths don’t like to get their own hands dirty. Pontious Pilate is a perfect analogy for a spath because he “washed his hands” even though the decision was entirely his. All spaths try to slime someone else with the responsibility.
Yet, that doesn’t make the minions actually innocent. I think the real difference between a spath and a minion is just the size of their balls. Spaths are so narcissistic that they believe they can get away with anything. They’re audacious. While the minions are just stupid and go along with anything the spath suggests.
So for example, the cop/court supervisor obviously isn’t getting sufficient drama in her life so she creates it in other people’s lives. She became a cop for the power and authority but now she’s got to make due with power over parents and children. Luc, being a spath, has this already figured out and just works her. Spaths can sense another drama addict, because they are drama addicts themselves. Eventually he will take her down the slippery slope and slime her with some crime he commits. I just hope there is video evidence of it when it happens.
wrong thread