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What did the sociopath give me and why is it so hard to let it go?

Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.

I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?

Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me  feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated”¦well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.

Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.

My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.

I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.

I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.

So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.

And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!

The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.

If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!


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215 Comments on "What did the sociopath give me and why is it so hard to let it go?"

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Donna, this post struck a bit of a cord with me this morning. On one hand, I am totally with you. The feeling I had when I was with him (at first) was like no other feeling. I completely lost myself in him and it was almost like an obsession.

That being said, I wouldn’t take him back if my life depended on it. Now that I know what he is, it makes me sick to think about what he did to me and to my family. I wish I could look back on my time with him as fond memories, but all of those feeling I had now just make me mad. I never want to be loved like that again because its not real love. I hate that I was in an emotionally one sided relationship. I feel like I was played for a fool.

When I was on the stand, his lawyer asked me if I had been in love with him. I responded by saying, “I was madly in love with a man who doesn’t exist. That man sitting next to you is not the man I loved – he is souless and occupying the body of a man he conned me into loving.”

So no, I wouldn’t return to the way I felt for anything in the world. I was sleeping next to a serial killer for an entire year. That thought scares the hell out of me. It colors my memories and still makes me feel like a fool for ever believing I was loved.

cappuccinoqueen,

I totally understand. Reading the above post did stir some memories of how he made me feel in the beginning, especially when we first started dating. He’d shrug at things when people were for example acting vicious or envious to me. He’d give me a hug and said, “Just ignore them.” And that felt really good. I thought I was with this incredibly sweet man who truly liked me AND wanted to commit to me. Nor did I have to wonder whether he was into me or not, because he obviously was.

But no, I would not want to exchange anything anymore to be with him ever again, nor to feel like that because of him anymore. It went stark crazy pretty soon. And I was pretty much more adventurous and enjoying stuff before and after on my own than with him.

Yes he made me laugh quite often. But he made me cry and upset and angry a lot as while. It wasn’t until after it was over and I went out with friends again that I re-discovered my own natural carefree laughter and enjoyment. With him laughter and enjoyment became dependent of him, and solely him. Without him it all became independent of him once again, and I laughed and enjoyed the world around me once again. To me it’s like even those good, fun moments with him were some kind of prison that excluded me from enjoying other people, friends, nature and events. The funs stuff and enjoyment I experienced after him and still experience with and by other people is all inclusive, instead of exclusive.

BTW the not making a fuss when we expect it is the abuse trap. This is exactly what abusers do with their victims… They abuse us when we feel we don’t deserve any of it, and when we actually feel we did do something wrong and deserve them being upset, that’s when they will shrug it off and make us feel they’re not holding it against us… The withholding of expected punishment (from a minor discussion, accusations, a foul mood, walking out on us, etc) we register as a reward. But it’s not a reward, just withholding punishment.

When I met him I haven’t been in love for almost 10 years. I was coming out of a relationship with a man that truly loved me but there was no passion between us, and I was so much missing the feeling of being in love!

Then I met that wonderful man. He made me feel alive again, he made me feel passionate, beautiful and acceptable for who I was, he made me feel valuable and worthy.The sex was wonderful too, I was his soulmate, he promised that he would love me forever, I was the woman of his dreams, we would have a family together, he would always be there for me…

It was all a lie. My feelings were real but everything else was a lie. The man that I loved had never existed. It was just an illusion. Everything that he said, everything that he did, it was all a malicious game to get me hooked and make it more hurtful in the end. I don’t want to get back in time to feel those feelings, not even for a day. I had deleted all the good moments that we had from my memory the day that I realized that it meant nothing to him. The only reason that I wish I could turn back the time is so I could change everything, then I could run away from the first warning sign and never get hooked by the sociopath.

I agree that we made those feelings to happen. I’m not sure if we could feel that way again with anyone else though. You see, the feelings that the sociopath made us feel had nothing to do with love from their side and I think that a “normal” guy would be more cautious about expressing their feelings to us. If we think about our past relationships we would see that a normal relationship goes slowly and it’s not that intense and passionate as the relationship with the spath…

P.s Darwinsmom, That’s exactly what the spath always did. He made me feel like I did something wrong when I did nothing wrong at all. Then when i finally tricked myself to believe that I did something wrong he said that he forgave me and didn’t hold it against me.

It’s interesting that we all seem to have had similar experiences with the person “brushing off” our feelings. I used to hate it, actually, when I would come home and want to vent and he would make it seem like whatever had upset me wasn’t a big deal. In fact, he used to always want to turn whatever I was upset about into a “well at least you aren’t as unlucky as me” or something about him. He used to go into rages when I didn’t just allow him to trivialize my feelings.

I guess my personality may not have been a good match for this. For me, I think the supreme reason I got hung up with him is that I was rebounding from a relationship where I had been in love with the man and he basically chose his career over being with me.

The spath came along and love bombed me and made it seem like he wanted the same thing I wanted – a life partner and a happy family. In reality, he wanted to have someone living with him whom he could abuse sexually, financially, and emotionally. period.

After I was pregnant, the affection showering was OVER in a big way. He knew how important family was to me and how much stake I put in staying with the father of my child. So even when things hit the fan and he became verbally abusive and started expecting me to financial support his lifestyle while he stayed at home and played video games all day – I stayed.

Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) I didn’t get years of that false reality that felt so nice. I got about 6 months and then I felt like I was in prison on an emotional roller coaster of badness.

I thank God every day that I don’t long to be with him ever again. The biggest gift (other than my son) that I got from that relationship is that I was able to see who he really was before he was able to kill me. What he did was so terrible that I was able to walk away and NEVER look back. Not for one second. That man deserves to be UNDER the jail and hopefully someday he will be. Sorry….I am still reeling. lol

Ms_Snowwhite, you said, “I had deleted all the good moments that we had from my memory the day that I realized that it meant nothing to him.”

Exactly the same thing I did. I refused to let one good memory get my mind’s attention. I would think of other good memories in my life without the spath instead.

This article, for the first time in over a year, triggered some of those burried good memories, but I can see it exactly for what it was. My feelings during those events at the time and are bonded to those memories did not reflect the reality of the situation, and they have an imprisonment feel too (in the way I described above). There’s no way I would ever want to go back to those moments.

I do like the article though… I agree with the ending. I have learned to forgive myself much more and do not expect perfection anymore from myself. I give myself now what I thought I got from him.

Hi everyone, I have a suggestion, perhaps it’s been suggested before, I don’t know but Donna if you’re reading this, I hope you can figure out a way to make it happen! I think it would be so cool if we all had a chance to meet up somewhere at some point.

I’ve been reading everyone’s comments on the article below and it hit me that usually on LoveFraud the comments are just as informative and well-spoken as the articles. This is the ONLY website I’ve ever found that is like this. I know a lot of us don’t have the resources or couldn’t go to a meeting like this due to repercussions or whatever from the spath but for those of us who could go, I think it would be a really great experience.

I’ve never seen so many intelligent, interesting people on any website as I do on this site. It is VERY obvious that sociopaths target a specific type of person. I know for me personally, I would need at least 3 months notice to make arrangements and save up money for a plane ticket but I would love to meet some of you guys and I know we would have a great time and likely make life-long friends. Just a thought…

This is the article I was reading this morning but it could really be any article, the comments are always so intriguing and insightful! As are the articles, of course.

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/01/lessons-from-my-child-custody-war-with-a-sociopath/

I think in this post, NewLife43 captured the complexity of these involvements. The fact of the matter is, the sociopaths charmed and showered us with what appeared to be love in the beginning, or even throughout, the relationships. That is why we fell for them in the first place! It’s only afterwards, when we realize that the words of love and affection were all lies, spoken only to hook us and then continue to manipulate us, that we are revolted by what they did.

Personally, I would not take my ex back either. But, as much as I hate to give my ex credit for anything, I did learn from him. And as awful as the experience was, the very pain of it shattered the walls that I’d built around my heart, and enabled me to break free of my self-imposed emotional prison. I was cracked open, and this allowed my to be open to the true love that I found with my new husband, Terry.

I hope this post finds all of you well and doing wonderfully.
I don’t get around the computer much anymore. It caught a bad virus from somewhere and completely crashed, erasing my entire operating system. I am in the process of rebuilding it and well, after the experience “I” just came through, the past, almost 11 years, it’s kind of nice being so distant from the world now.

I just passed the fourth month of complete NC, for the sixth and final time, and I also have changed my telephone number, even though it was being used for a longstanding business number. I have only given it to the essential people around me and well, even though “I” have been COMPLETELY NC with this demon for four months now, it had continued to stalk and harass me up until just a day or so ago, which finally prompted me to change it. I am taking a HUGE and DEEP vacation from everything and I simply MUST share with you that I have been sitting here, wondering of something I could do to make a little money and to also occupy my time. When I started thinking of ‘jobs’ I wouldn’t mind doing, I quickly honed in on something that I feel would not just be a ‘job’ but also an experience of a lifetime…

I am going to work with migrant workers, this harvest, picking grapes. How amazing is that? Up in the desert mountain valleys where that sweet wine comes from. I can’t think of a BETTER PLACE to spend some time, somewhere “I” want to be. There has to be like HUNDREDS of wineries about me and the thought just gives me PEACE somehow. I can’t think of a better place to be, actually, if a person has to ‘work’, ‘work’, doing something you ENJOY.

This is what MY ‘healing’ path has come to.
Minus the ppath that was dominating and trying to control my entire life. Since it couldn’t control me and my life, it tried to harm me and/or take my life from me. You must be very careful how you ‘rebuke’ satan. It triple folds the vengeance factor inside their small, narcissistic minds.

AHHHHH: NO telephone intrusions. Not since yesterday morning.
And, I simply MUST also share, that while I was having my morning coffee on the balcony, one of our finest was spotted sitting on his motorcycle, right in front of my apartment, just hanging out, checking speeders, but somehow, they always make me feel so secure. I am so very blessed to be finding my way out of this ugly nightmare. I am ‘healing’. And, I am emerging, being the kind of person Donna, herself, and all of you other wonderful posters, have become.

You guys helped me ‘keep it together’ and not give up the ‘fight’.
I will be eternally grateful to every one of you for the little fibers you have each added to my life.

So, I haven’t been in a real hurry putting my computer back together but trying to find “LIFE” to bury myself in and I shall tolerate no further intrusions from “IT” and “ITS” Merry Band of Minions.

I could end up being “ITS” 3rd Strike, which would violate his probation and he could go to prison. For a very long time. People urge me, often, telling me I need to bring charges. That isn’t what I want. I want to be left alone now, without the drama in my life. If I wanted ‘revenge’ and/or ‘vengeance’, I could have it in droves, but that is not my intent or desire. It never has been. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.

(Caps used for emphasis.)

I am doing ‘well’ these days.
Fatigued and weak all the time but that is one of the symptoms of congestive heart failure. I asked for a prognosis and was finally given a ‘haphazard’ one of ‘good’. So, sometimes we just have to hang onto ourselves and sometimes the CHOICES we make aren’t easy ones. Sometimes we must go against what our hearts tell us and make the decisions that actually breaks them. But above all, we know, inside, who we are. We know who we are. We need NOBODYS validation for that. Only our own.

I am doing well; I am safe; it’s now, FINALLY, TRULY ‘quiet’ about me. And if it couldn’t get ANY BETTER: I have a counseling appointment this afternoon that I am so looking forward to this week.

Blessings to you all.
You are in my thoughts and best of hopes and prayers…

I am healing and I never thought I ever would.
Don’t give up THE HOPE that lives in your heart.

Dupey

I posted before I read this article, shameful, it’s a fantastic post! I never felt quite this way but you put it so eloquently and you’re right! We can ‘love-bomb’ ourselves and it’s something I’ve only recently been able to do – my ex spath and I split up 5 years ago.

I’m still going through a custody battle with him but other than casual talk when dropping of our child for visitation, I will only discuss any real issues with him by email. He hates it. It allows me to read them when I can muster up ‘whatever-it-is-I-need’ to tolerate them and find something halfway decent to say back to him. It allows me to keep my sanity. This is the best piece of advice my attorney gave me (email communication.)

The second best piece of advice he gave me (he’s in his 70’s and feels the need to impart wisdom which I am grateful for) is to be ‘brutal when choosing a mate.’ He said to pay attention to how they treat their family and friends because that is how they will treat you. There was more to it but that was the part that really stuck with me. If only I had known this before. But all things happen for a reason and I’m glad I know now.

I want to add you guys are so smart I have to keep a second window up to look up definitions of words and I have a pretty expansive vocabulary. I’ve looked up 3 words/phrases this morning. I love to learn something new every day and you guys keep me on my toes!

Yes, it is a great post Donna. Very thought provoking. And you all are right…its interesting how we can totally block out the good memories sometimes because of the trauma. it’s like a natural defense mechanism or something.

Someone asked me just yesterday what was the happiest time in my life. I immediately said, “the day my baby boy was born”. Well, Luc was there for that. When I think back on that day…it still makes me happy to remember seeing my boy for the first time. I try to stop myself from thinking about the fact that Luc was there and letting that spoil my memory of that day.

I do, however, thanking him for being there that day and telling him that his presence made me happier. Looking back on it, however, he did many things that made my child birth experience much worse than it should have been. Odd that at the time I felt the need to stroke his ego. ugh

It was still the best day though…

I liked that phrase of ‘lovebombing ourselves’… and at least we can be sure it’s real love 🙂

SublimeGirl,

I am new to this site, only a couple of weeks, and it has already helped me a lot. Reading the stories of all those wonderful people gives me the courage to move on and the hope that someday my heart will be healed.

I agree with you, the people that the sociopaths chose as targets are the most caring, spiritual, beautiful and intelligent ones – the rest are not a challenge to them, and I wish there was a way for all of us to meet too, unfortunately I live in Europe and it would be difficult for me, but I already feel the people here as my brothers and sisters even if I had never met them. I admire each one of them for their kindness and strength.

I am sure that each one of us would make a perfect friend, husband or wife, and most of people would dream to have us in their lives, so I guess that among all the rest, the sociopaths must be the dumpest people in the world for letting us go!

My attraction to the x-spath was almost inverse that of others, perhaps because this was a gay relationship. Thus, I was neither swept off my feet or saw him as overwhelmingly sexual. In fact, he was neither.

And that was the attraction. Virtually every other relationship I had started with sex. Not so, with the x-spath. When he became insulted that I even asked him back to my place for a beer, his words cemented in my mind the notion that he was looking for something more than sex.

As I got to know him “better” (thru emails, txt, chatting and phone calls) I began to think I met a soulmate, as we seemed to have much in common. Also, I could sense he had issues to deal with and his being less than perfect in that area was also an attraction — I could help him fulfill himself.

Of course, the soulmate impression was mirroring. That he was looking for more than sex a complete lie, given what some of his online profiles say. And the thought of “fulfilling” somebody is a big red flag — of myself at that time.

Interestingly, by coming across his online trail, I learned the real truth about him there — much of it not very nice but there is a part of him that is very, very similar to me. If he were not a sociopath, we could actually be great friends.

Thanks to this site and its community, I intellectually accept that he is a fraud. I learned about mirroring and how effective this tactic can be. It is so effective that since him, I have not met anyone who has seemed “right” enough for me.

This is the problem with the sociopath — all their negative tactics are incredible effective at producing a bonding where none really existed, at least in the mutual sense. So much so, new people in your life never seem to even come close.

GREAT ARTICLE!!!!! Well written and articulate. LF posters continue to impress me with the depth of their knowledge and self analysis.

“The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. ”

Thank you. I needed to read this today. It’s snapped me out of an angry mood I had lapsed into again when thinking about some of the crap he’s pulled and his lack of care for anyone.

It is indeed still a beautiful world and all of spath’s crappola doesn’t make an iota of difference. I can be happy regardless of what he does and I will make sure my son will be happy despite his father, too.

behind_blue_eyes

“….producing a bonding where none really existed”

That is because the bonding takes place in our own minds and we do it to ourselves. And when this is done we identify with it as being us.

We don’t fall in love when the person is there with us. It is done when we are alone. The phrase “love-bomb ourselves” is very apropos. What happens is the person goes into a self induce trance [which is very powerful state] as they are idealizing the relationship and the other person. Run this through a few times, with the right emotions and when they come out they are in love. Usually it falls apart as fast as it was created when our “in love” meets reality. Think about how many times you have fallen in love? When we are young it happen all the time. The more you run the stack that created this state the stronger the state becomes.

A trauma bond works in a similar way. There is many ways this can work. So here is one version. The person is normally in the emotional/mental state of “in love.” The trauma happens. One goes into a depression/shock state [hypnotic]. Now they run the trauma event over and over trying to make sense of it. Not being able to emotionally deal with it. They run it in it’s disassociated state. Which keeps the emotions away from them. [Seeing themselves in the event.] And before they can process the emotions of the trauma the spath comes in and does something really nice. With the I’m sorry, I love you, it want happen again etc. And this blows the mind of the victim again. Add make-up sex. Which causes the “In-Love stack” to run. And this one is a associated state where they feel the emotions. The more time the “in-Love stack” is run the stronger the state becomes. Repeat it enough and we have a compulsion/addiction. The compulsion aspect of this will happen very quickly. When it happens.

I learned this about the dissociated state first in how I handle trauma. To make it short. I had 3 big trauma events happen in one week. And I showed no effect from them. Always handled emergency situation well. I was fine. People were worried. Some thought I may have a screw lose. Any way about 4 months latter my body begin to shake. Emotions over whelmed me. This lasted for about a week. Things would be fine then I’d just fall apart. After some looking back I noticed this was the case in all the bad things that had happened. The emotional effects didn’t hit me till later. The bigger it was the further out I pushed it. Years after realizing this I learned what dissociation and association was.

My 2 Cents

spoon

There is something to this “dissociation” thing. My therapist mentioned it to me. I think a lot of us on here might have a tendency to do this in trauma situations. It is a coping mechanism of sorts. It’s really scary because something terrible can be happening and you just totally remove yourself from it. It’s dangerous over time because it allows us to stay in bad situations longer.

cappuccinoqueen, Hi

We only have the 2 states in which to process memory dissociation and association. It can work for our benefit or against us. But knowing how they work and the effect each have. We can use it for our good. Take the love addiction that has developed. We dissociate the memories and then run it backwards to strip the emotions off of the memory. And when this is done the addiction is no longer there. The memory no longer has any effect on us. It becomes like any other event that has no meaning to us. Most of the events in any day are in this category. Most of the day is just a bunch of non-events that have no emotional hook on them so they mean nothing to us. And this is what can be done to the love addiction. And all memories of the spath.

My 2 Cents

spoon

The trade off; murdered soul for love-bombing. It was magic to see my dreams, coming from such a beautiful physical being. My knight had arrived. But then. He wouldnt let me die, he wanted me to always be in the state of dying. I walked daily in death. When I was discarded, the desire to die now was because I didnt know how I was going to live without him. However, I emerged by a fight for my life and a miracle. With more self awareness, knowledge and a new found strength. I found something that I didnt know of before, a boundary and me. I know I can work on self-love, self-respect but never to the degree of intensity that came with the “P”. That was so unhealthy…I was in “lala land”, a place that does not exist. I am grateful for the love that came out of this, which is from me to me and to make choices that follow truth. Now I am working on purging the shame. Wish me luck!

im new to commenting but i have been stopping by on and off to find guidance and help and hope on lovefraud……i just wanted to say i thought this was a wonderful post,so well written and heartfelt………..and to thank the writer and say i understand alot of what you talk about……….why is it so hard to let go…? well i know why….and i found all the answers here on lovefraud because i found help and its hard to admit it………hard to face the truth……………i want to let go,i really do…….its been 2 years since my breakup……….and i struggle every day………have changed my phone number 4 times this year and i hope this will be the last…that i learn from my mistakes and have the courage to move on…………someone once told me………its like driving a car,if you keep looking in the rear view mirror your going to crash……so you have to keep driving and moving forward,and stop looking behind………..sometimes i see this friend and they say how is your car going and if im having a bad day ill simply say the car is off the road today or if i have hit a real low ill say i had a crash……but i try pick myself back up and keep driving….
really what i wanted to say was thank you to the writter of this post for your inspiring words.
i cant say i have suffered like you,my situation is rather different but i understand and give thanks for your wisdom.

I was wondering the same things. I have been on the emotional roller coaster since I filed for divorce – not much different than when we were married. I believe that I cry because I miss the life that he promised myself and my children – but in turn all it was was taking every penny that was made and bleeding me dry emotionally and financially – I want to believe that I do not miss HIM – I miss the facade he was when we first got together, and I miss the life we were promised — as we all know they were both lies. Now if only there is a way to get me to remember that every moment of every day. Now I have to get him to stop playing around with the divorce papers so I am not stuck as “separated” for two more years.

Dear Movingon,

You have my utmost sympathy…..it is cruel but so typical of a spath to play with his prey.

What you talk about, in particular the cognitive dissonance, is very difficult to deal with. On your own. If it’s very bad then maybe you could try counselling with someone who “gets” how these things operate. Cat and mouse my dear. It will get better. And yes, the man you thought loved you was a liar. But the feelings you had were real. That takes some getting over but you can and you will do it.

Kindest regards to you and all people here who are trying to unravel themselves from a spath. Keep on keeping on …..never, never, never give up. A life lived well is the best revenge as has been said many times here.

Sending you a big hug

Ps……Movingon and Liftingthe veil,

read the post from Alivetoday further up the thread. Amazing.

Thank you, everyone, for all your comments. I appreciate the feedback, because I am not even close to being myself again. But I am working on it!

@Spoon, I am very interested in the technique of running the memories backwards and stripping the emotions off them. I hope that you might elaborate in an longer post and what success you’ve had with that technique.

The technique I am using that has really sped up the recuperation process for me is EFT and TAT. In fact, while I read each post and the comments afterwards, I am tapping and/or using the TAT technique. Instructions for both are available on the internet: free to use, free to download and can be learned in as little as three minutes. (Gosh, I sound like a commercial). There are times when tears are rolling down my face while I am reading, but me, personally, I am not crying! I read about this on another LoveFraud blog post and yet again, it’s interesting how much alike we are in our recovery. For those of you suffering from PTSD, I was introduced to EFT before I even met the spath due to the fact that I had suffered from EFT for 18 years. Within two weeks, it was gone! I highly recommend it as a way to quickly and very gently get better without retraumatizing yourselves.

Everyone is at a different place in their recovery. I put my spath in jail, but he is not going to stay there forever. One day he will be out and then I have to deal with it. I am using EFT/TAT on that also. But I am fighting back and returning to who I used to be. One false move on his part and I am using the restraining order I got against him in a New York minute!

I watched the movie “Gaslight” on YouTube the other day. I can tell you that when Ingrid Bergman said those lines to her husband “Whatever you had done, I would have pitied and protected you. But now I watch you go with glory in my heart!”, that was the way I felt when I watched him being taken out in handcuffs. He looked back at me when he was being led away with a “deer in the headlights look”, like I can’t believe you did this to me! But I didn’t. The justice system and he himself did it to him.

For me, I never underestimate ANYONE! So I am not going to become complacent and think that this is all over now and I can go on my merry way. But just like with the lottery, I have to expect to win. I have remained NC for 3 months, (except for seeing him in court and we didn’t speak) and plan on staying that way. So any contact will come from him and he will be violating the restraining order. I won’t tolerate it. I have to get mentally and emotionally better because the alternative would hurt my kids too much. Plus, I am a very impatient person…hence, EFT!

Again, thank you, Donna for posting my article and thank you fellow suvivors for all your comments on my post. I have learned so much from reading this blog and I think it has truly saved my life. I actually read it and tapped for 7 hours one day…I was exhausted, but very enlightened!

Warmest regards,
New Life

PS I meant I suffered from PTSD for 18 years not EFT! Oops!

dear Skylar, Oxy,
need urgent advice from you.
I am in Romania now for a conference. I knew B would be there as he and I
were on the same roud table for a discussion today.
None of us have communicated since early last year.
On the first day in the tea break, he came and found me – he spotted me and came
from behind me and tugged on my arm and said – “can I have a hug”, I
gave him a brief hug.
we spoke general stuff, I never asked him a word about his life. he said he is
divorced.
last night we were at the Congress reception.
co-incidentally he and I are in the same hotel. he walked with me to the
Congress dinner and back and we sat with others for the meal. nice sweet light
hearted talk.
He said “it is nice to see you, you are the same – petite and cute, you
look lovely, all the men are looking at you etc etc,
in between he kept looking at his phone as was sending some messages.

I never asekd him if he has a woman or not.He never said a word.

Besides this he has not asked me to go sightseeing with him or any other
suggestions of spending time together.

I wonder maybe he has brought a woman with him, I am so anxious that I will see
her with him in the hotel, in the breakfast area etc,
why would he be alone, surely there is a woman, but then why not bring the woman
to the Congress dinner, all men brought their women.

I am having such mixed feelings, on one hand I want to go sight seeing with him
and want him to give me all the sweet talk, on the other hand “I say to
myself, he is a cheat, why am I missing a cheat”

he did not come on to me, was not suggestive in any way at all. Maybe he has
lost all interest in me, I don’t know. and at the same itme, I want him to show
interest in me.

Last night – one doctor told B – B you are so lucky, this girl is the
“Pearl” of the meeting (me) and she is with you. He smiled. there were photos being
clicked and he said – please send me your photo.
I said you have an Iphone, you can click one, he said the quality is not good.
Maybe if he took my photo on the iphone the girl who is hiding in the hotel room would see it.
How come the girl in the room with him, did not ask to go with him to the gala
dinner.
why did he not want to “showcase her” and instead opted to go with me.

I like him, I hate him. I finished one presentation today and one tomorrow. My mind is going stray.
please advice.

thanks so much
Petite

Petite, I am so sorry that you’ve been thrown into this situation. I’m preparing to enter a similar situation that involves former “friends” of the exspath, without a choice.

What I plan to do is to keep myself TO myself. No discussion of anything personal, and no attempts to defend myself or explain my situation unless (and, maybe not even then) someone asks me something, specific, or makes a sweeping accusation. Even then, my issues are none of their business.

When B asked for a hug, you had the right to say, “No, let’s just keep this on a professional level.” If B brought someone with him, or if he’s paying to have an escort stay with him, it’s not important. He is not worth a fart in a windstorm, Petite – he simply isn’t. He’s trying to play the Spath Game, again, and you have the power to shut the door on him. Shut him down and REMEMBER what he truly is – remember the emotional carnages that he created! He is not a “man,” Petite. He is A Thing In A Human Vessel bent upon using, abusing, and discarding.

How did you find out that one doctor told B that he was “lucky” that the “pearl” of the meeting was with him? Did he tell you that, himself, or did someone else tell you that? If HE told you that, he’s looking to rekindle whatever he can for whatever purposes that he can. His attempts to romance you – LOVEBOMB – are to prove to himself (not you) that he “still has it” and that he can simply cast his gaze in your direction and you’ll follow him like a whipped dog.

Remember what he is, Petite. Remember what he’s done. And, remember that you are far, far more valuable than simply being an OBJECT for spath torture. Take back that control and power and hold it fast to yourself. You are priceless, valuable, and so very important, and he does not – does not and never will – deserve you.

Brightest blessings to you, my dear

Petite, this man hurt you, and you still have feelings for him, but he is not a good person for you to around it sounds like. Is this guy a spath? Sorry, I’m not Oxy or Skylar, but I’m here reading this morning, so for what it’s worth.

This advice is not exclusively for dealing with spaths – it is for setting a boundary with ANY man who has hurt you – perhaps someone you’ve had an affair with but developed feelings for that were not completely reciprocated. And now you have to work with him. First of all, you do not need to hug the guy. Second, you do not even need to be friendly or make small talk. I actually read this advice from another source who talks about how to be strong and empowered with men. Here is what you say when he approaches you: In your most professional voice (hiding any strong emotions) “I am not interested in having a personal relationship with you. I need to keep our conversations on a business level only.” Then walk away. Don’t let him see any emotions. As long as you remain open emotionally to this man, you will let him jack around your feelings. Protect your heart, petite. It sounds like you obviously have feelings for this guy, and also you are vulnerable to his flattery. Don’t be. You are attractive, and men will take notice of you. He probably is noticing you and probably would like to sleep with you, whether he’s with someone or not. So what? You deserve better than that. He has cheated on you (this is all I know for sure) and it never got resolved. I don’t hear about him doing much to resolve it. So please get angry about this and use your anger to set some clear boundaries with this guy. From PERSONAL experience wasting YEARS of my life with players, it’s not worth it. Your life is too valuable. YOU are too valuable. There ARE loyal men out there who would probably swim an ocean to have a woman like you. Respect yourself, and they will come to you.

After learning about all of my ex husband’s lies and deceit, I have nothing but contempt for his actions.

The thought that anyone would ever wanting to “re-live” the love bombing stage of the relationship is outrageous.

How can you want to be with someone that used “love” to lie and manipulate your emotions? Is this the love that you wanted in your life? Wanted to show your children?

Knowing what this truly was negates ANY thought of going back. I hope he and all of the rest of the world’s psychopaths burn in hell some day.

Petite, your shout-out for suggestions has brought me to a point that I need to ask for suggestions, as well. I’m not intending to minimize your situation, by any means – hopefuly, your situation is completely temporaray and you’ll have the option to get the hell out of there and never look back at B, again.

My situation is similar only in the sense that I’m going back into an enviroment where the exspath was (and, still is) viewed as a “nice guy.” I’ve heard some of the rumors that he’s been spreading, and I was fearful of having to relocate to this area as the rumors could very well have a direct impact upon my integrity.

So, tonight, I’m going to a place where someone who knows the female ex-con is employed. I may be working at this place and I am very concerned about the stories that have already circulated. Seriously, I am experiencing a heightened sense of anxiety about this because I desperately need a job and this is a very sparsely popluated area – everyone knows everyone else, as well as everyone else’s personal business. Worse, the female ex-con works in the hospitality industry (LOL!!!) and has actually spewed forth misinformation and outright lies about my personal issues with the exspath to her customers, unbidden and as if such topics were appropriate for casual conversation.

I do not want to discuss the specifics of my divorce from the exspath – I don’t. I simply don’t. And, under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t feel defensive, already. But, since the demographics of this area are the way that they are, I would LOVE to read some suggestions on how to best deflect curiosity, defensive-mode, and the rest of the bullshirt that goes along with this kind of situation. The smear campaign has been tremendous, and I had spoken with my attorney about this, long ago – in the event that I had to move back up here to do business. No answers, there – just that I could sue the female ex-con, but she doesn’t have anything to speak of (no property, assets, etc.). And, I don’t WANT to pursue legal action against anyone unless it’s of a criminal nature.

So……Petite, I hope that my shout-out affect more suggestions for your personal situation.

Brightest blessings

Hope52, sadly, most victims of romantic spaths experience cognitive dissonance over, and over, and over – someone that the victim could care about would NEVER deliberately harm another person for their own entertainment.

The self-validation comes only after a long period of recovery, healing, and growth. The false validation of lovebombing is still effective where the target hasn’t yet healed well enough to see the skunk for its stripes.

To clarify this, had I not been involved on this site for a couple of years prior to discovering what the exspath really was, I would not likely have been able to shut the whole thing down, instantly. Even with the physical evidence sitting directly in front of me, I still entertained the fantasy that the marriage could be saved for a few weeks.

If we were capable of recognizing spath lovebombing for what it is, this site wouldn’t even exist and we’d all be in quite different situations.

Brightest blessings

dear stargazer and truthspeak,
thank you for your timely advice.
I am at an overseas confernce which will end in a few days and then B and I return to our own countries which are in two different continents.
I am a doctor and so is B and we are at a medical conference.
I was right there when the doctor told him that I was a “Pearl and that B was lucky”
It was said right in front of me by a nice gentleman.

he was being nice to me and then stopped, He did not hit on me and was not suggestive, so what is he trying to do. maybe he thinks I will squirm and beg him to ask me out. then he has a FAT HOPE. thnaks a lot.

thanks
petite

newlife43 Hi,

A problem with disassociating the trauma and not coming back to deal with it is that even though we are not feeling the emotions in a disassociated state. The emotions still effect us. And will continue to effect us until they are dealt with. Like a sore that never heals. And the only way to heal this type of sore is to deal with the emotions. And the quickest way I know of is to strip them from the memory.

To remove the emotions from a remembered event.

The reason to do this is, it is not the event but the meaning we gave the event that keeps us reliving the event. And where this comes from is the emotion(s) that we have attached to the event.

The higher the emotional state the harder it is to over come it intellectually. So in most cases the emotional state will always trump our rational thought process.

The simple explanation of the removal process is you are going to play the memory in reverse. This can also be used on the crap we say to ourselves. And any emotional state that is causing problems.

The steps.

1) Sit down and replay the event in your head. When you feel the emotions from the event reach over and pinch yourself, doesn’t matter where and hold it. It doesn’t have to be hard. Just so that you feel it. What this does is anchor the emotional state.

2) Now let your mind go back in time [time line] to where the event happened. Now go past the event if the emotional state drops off then go back to the event and go to the next step.. If it doesn’t then continue going back in time till you hit the next event and check passed it. What we are looking for is where this emotion first started. But if you don’t get the first one it’s no big deal. If the emotional state shows back up just go kill it again.

Now that we have the problem event we want to Kill the emotions hooked it.

Pretend your setting in the projection room of a movie theater. There is a thick glass window and nothing can get to you. Now play the movie of the event backwards about double speed. [you can let go of pinching yourself.] When it ends, the screen goes blank. Play it again. Screen goes blank. Play it again faster. Each time it ends the screen goes blank. Now around the fourth/fifth time let the movie screen start sliding out and keep running the movie and just let it keep sliding until it disappears.

How many times do we run the movie backwards? I have found that it takes anywhere from 5 to 15 times to strip the emotions from most event. But some take more. Average about 15 times. Mileage may very :). When I first started doing it it was a hit or miss. Sometimes it worked well. Sometimes I had to repeat it. Instead of doing it again I would run it until I was sick of running it. Then one day I was running it and I let the movie slide out away from me. The movie got smaller and smaller. And it was playing quicker and quicker until it vanished. I started doing this to everyone of them. What I found was that the sliding controlled how many times the movie needed to be run. If it needed to be run many many times the movie would slowly move out. Even if I tried to force it out. It wouldn’t move any faster then at it’s own pace.

So we run the movie of the event backwards. Each time faster. At each ending the screen goes blank for the length of time of a flash. Then we start the movie over. And then after 4 or 5 times let the movie start sliding out and getting smaller and smaller. The first few times you do this. Take your time. Turn the phone off. Run the movie many times. Run it faster and faster.

When it has disappeared. Step back into the time line right before the event happened and follow it back to the present. Then watch it continue on into the future. The time line is how we store our past so we know when something happened. For me coming back up the time line to the present is like flying through a tunnel. There is light all around me. When you get back to the present watch the light shoot out in to your future. This will clear out any other events that use this emotional state in the past and in the future.

One thing you will notice when coming back to the present is you will hit places where it’s like going through water. These only last for a second. What it is, is other events that are tied to these same emotions and it is stripping the emotions off of these events.

If you have trouble seeing the movie not a big deal. You know it is there. The effects will be the same. Just let your eyes follow it.

If you have trouble finding the seed event. This is where you have followed it all through your past but you can still feel it out there beyond you. Simply turn your head toward the feeling. This one you will kill by turning your head through the feeling. You will feel the pressure of it like a bubble. With this one you’ll butt it up against your temple and then move your head until it is passed the other temple. For most left to right. And you will feel it as it passes from temple to temple. Do this repeatedly. Then when you can push it out and let it slide out just like the movie exercise.

The turning it through the eye’s became my main technique of doing this. It’s simpler. And you don’t have to see the movie. Sometimes if I’m having trouble moving the bubble I turn my head through it. For most the movement is from left to right. But if your one whose past is off to the right then it would be right to left.

The effects is you can still remember the event but you will not have the emotions. So no more need to relive it or feel it’s effects. Plus you’ll have a hole in your head. You may be more emotional, cry, angry etc.. Sleep can be messed up for a few nights. The bigger the emotional state that was killed the greater the effects, will be. And it can open up other things you have suppressed or forgotten about. This is a good thing. If it is in you then it will effect you until it is dealt with.

And each time you kill something. Smile that crap is no longer going to bother you. Tell yourself good job, way to go etc. Then bring on the next one. Because the sooner they are killed the sooner you can have your revenge. And that is to have a happy life.

The steps will shorten as you do this a few times to the point that you will no longer need to do the projector room you will just play the move backwards, letting it slide out of sight and follow it back to the present and let it move on out to the future.

Another pointer is anytime you find one that you want to deal with a memory but you can’t do the exercise at that moment. Just anchor it with the pinch and with this one pinch a little harder but don’t bruise yourself. Now when you have the time pinch the same place the same way and the emotional state will pop up and you can follow it back and kill it. Make sure that you pinch a place you will remember. Like squeeze the middle finger. In a sense your flipping off the emotional state.

This will work on any memory, compulsion, phobia etc. It will work on beliefs but there is another step to it. With all beliefs there is a sentence of phrase that goes with it. I’m dumb. Nothing ever works right. No one will ever love me. These have to be erased also. Just run the recording backwards.

Any question just ask

spoon

Petite,
Hi, sorry to hear you are dealing with him again, but I think it might be a good thing. You still have issues that leave you vulnerable to spaths and you need to learn what they are.

First, the problem with boundaries. As others mentioned, you didn’t need to hug him. But you didn’t want to be rude. Spaths test us for this personality trait: people who can’t stand to be rude, make perfect spath targets. It shows a lack of boundaries, a sense of responsibility, a concern for the feelings of others even beyond concern for your own feelings.

Jesus said, “love your neighbor as yourself”, He didn’t say “love your neighbor MORE than yourself.

So B tested you and you failed the test, you hugged him back. Then he knew he could toy with you and your emotions.

The next test was to try to get you to respond to his request for a picture. You offered to let him snap a shot of you on his Iphone. Again, concern for what he asks, not wanting to be rude.

Petite, he is feeding on your emotions with every contact. That’s what he wants. You must hide your emotions. Put on your best Gray Rock face and determine that you will be RUDE if you must be, but you will not let him touch you, request of you, love bomb you or in anyway rent space in your head.

You can be RUDE without saying anything. Just look at him and walk away as if he were a potted plant and you just remembered something you had to do. If you must say something, say, “I prefer to keep any contact professional, I expect you to respect that boundary.”

You asked why he is not with a woman. There could be several reasons, but one thing I’ve noticed is that conventions are often used as an excuse to cheat on a spouse. Regardless of the gathering, whether it’s people selling widgets or doctors or film industry or software, it seems there are many people who start prowling for sex at conventions and trade shows. So the answer to your question is that he is there to score, he doesn’t want to bring the one he already has at home. He’d like to score with you, and with anyone else he can.

He is now ignoring you because you showed that you are still vulnerable and that’s how he is making you suffer. Be prepared for more drama, more whipsawing (attention then neglect), and more surprises just to see the look on your face.

Gray rock is one thing you can channel, but in your case I think you are still having too much trouble being rude and thinking of yourself as a plain gray pebble might be too hard. So try to think of yourself as Queen Elizabeth of England. Imagine the crown and the scepter. YOU do not have to speak to anyone you don’t want to. HE should only speak when YOU decide he may speak. He may not touch you, the queen. He may not take your photo. He is beneath you and you will decide if/when he gets any morsel of attention from you. You are not being rude, this is simply the way that it is because you are queen. You are never rude, you are much too dignified for that, being queen. Yet, you are entitled to the utmost respect from that worm, and you will see that you get it.

Keep imagining that crown on your head Petite. Play that role. Wear something like a hair band or a ring to symbolize your identity as queen and don’t forget that it’s there. When you see him, play the role.

dear skylar,
thanks so much.
there was a huge crowd of doctors, it was the tea break, he came from behind and it was not even much of a hug, I had stuff in both my hands, it was more of a brush of the shoulders.

I asked him to use the iphone to take a photo as I was testing to see if he had a woman in the room, becoz I thought if there is someone with him, she can see his phone and my photo.
In a way after that it dawned on me, if there is someone with him, why not bring her to the dinner and “showcase” her to the world. why go to the dinner with me.

he said all the crap to me, of you are so lovely etc. and then it stopped. you said that is “whipsawing”. so he just wants to see me squirm for his attention as I still have feelings for him – correct. OK, I will turn Gray rock.

I am so scared, I don’t know how I will handle myself, if I see him with a woman in the hotel at breakfast, or checking out or at the airport. I am thinking – I should – just pinch myself and say – “thank god it is not me that he is toying with and remember of his incapability to love and only capapbility of deceit.”

please advice.

thanks
petite

Petite,

Skylar’s advice is great and so are the others! Imagine yourself Queen Elizabeth with all her dignity and B is beneath you….

You ARE above him, Petite…you are not a cheating creep that brought STD home to the mother of his kids….

Sky is right he is testing you for your boundaries and maybe at the next convention he will make a pass at you. You are one of his “convention harem women” where they either pick up one at a convention or take one to the convention. I will be willing to bet he has 1 or 2 women shacked up with at home and either brought one which he kept in the hotel room but not at the events because she was such a BIMBO that he didn’t want his friends to see her with him.

You are a beautiful woman, and you are at the TOP of a field world wide in which there are not many women at all, so of course there will be men in your profession hit on you (or want to hit on you) but just be QUEEN PETITE and be friendly and talk to whom YOU want to talk to and give him the EVIL EYE. YOu do NOT have to be chatty cathy to B. KEEP IT ON A PROFESSIONAL LEVEL WITH HIM and be friendly to everyone else…he will SLINK away.

Petite, we posted at the same time…your last sentence is correct, just be GLAD it is not you that he is toying with….(((hugs)))

Hi Skylar,
you said he would like to score with me. I am not going to jump in bed with him, that is for sure, I know it for myself.
However, he has not been trying to push hard and drool all over me. the meeting finished at lunch time today and rest of the day is free, till tomorrow, he did not ask me out or anything.

last night after the dinner, he came to drop me till my room door and I said thank you, he said welcome and bye. no hug, no kiss, nothing. is he trying to show me that he is not interested after all and make me yearn for him.
petite

dear oxy and Sky
I agree with you and being ‘convention harem woman’
I was wondering how come the girl who he has brought is willing to stay back in the room as an object, and even B does not feel that he should be taking her to the dinner, instead he came to pick me up from the hotel room and drop me back after the dinner. I must say that I did tell him, that I was not going to go the dinner as it was not safe for me to walk on the street and I did not know anyone from the hotel who was going. he said he was not sure he was going. we decided that if he went, I may consider going as then I would have a chaperone. an hour later hesent a note to my room, saying that he will go and pick me up. throughout the dinner he was with me and behaving very polite, though sending messages on the phone.
In a way he was cheating on the girl in the room, becoz I am his “ex” and he went with his “ex” leaving the current one in the room.

if he did the same to me, leave me in the room and go with anoother, I would have thrown a fit.
yor thoughts
petite

Yes, Petite, he showed you attention at first and by walking you to your door and not asking for more, he is making you wonder if he still finds you desireable, or if he’s going to try to come in your room. He knows he is affecting your emotions.
Never forget, it is your EMOTIONS that he wants.

I really think you need to picture yourself as a queen and when in doubt, ask yourself, “what would a queen do?”

Would she allow a lowly worm to walk her to her door? I don’t think so.

Even if you know you aren’t going to jump into bed with him, (and he knows this too) his REAL target is your emotions. Sex is just ONE avenue they use to feed on our emotions, they can use many others. The whipsaw is their primary method.

The reason why NC is so important is because each time he speaks with you, he draws you down the slippery slope just a tiny bit. It’s so subtle that you don’t even realize it. Your emotions are not in your control and he knows it.

I understand that you’re scared. That’s an emotion and he’ll eat that one too. Don’t give it to him. To get over your fear, acknowledge your fear. Understand that fear is a warning sign, so thank your fear for doing it’s job and warning you. Then tell it to go to bed because you can handle it now with your intellect. Make the choice to gray rock or to be a QUEEN, then do it.

As Oxy says, you can be professional with him and friendly with everyone else. He doesn’t require an explanation or anything at all from you. YOU ARE THE QUEEN.

EDIT:
I just saw your post. It might be true that he has left a girl in his hotel room, that would be typical of a spath. I would hope though, that you don’t care about that.

Remember that they feed on emotions, so you must never tell him of any fear of walking alone. Simply tell him you have chosen not to go to the dinner, give no explanation.

It was a mistake to tell him you have a fear and allow him to provide “protection” from that fear for you. Spaths love that, because that is direct control over your emotions. Next time, he will leave you at the dinner and you will have to walk home alone. Remember: the spath giveth and then the spath taketh away!

thanks Skylar,
agree and accept all the advice. I did think he would call me to go out today and so you are right, he is TESTING MY EMOTIONS.

why not showcase the girl in the room at dinner and make me feel miserable, that way he would have his full revenge.

petite

sky and Oxy,
what do I do if I see him with the woman in the hotel, holding hands etc., in the breakfast room, lobby or at the airport.
petite

Petite,
if there is a woman in the hotel, then he may save that for last. Do all you can to avoid him, don’t let him know where you will be. If he approaches you with another woman, make no assumptions, smile gracefully and say, “nice to meet you.” just as you would with any new acquaintance. Stay professional, stay cool, distract yourself by thinking about work techniques. Concentrate on what you have been learning at the conference, review your notes on anything that has been really interesting to you.

When I first left my spath and felt very emotional sometimes, I used to carry a mechanical 3D puzzle that has many different ways to solve it. When I was focused on the puzzle, I felt no emotional stress. So find a puzzle or other interest to think about when he is around you.

thanks sky,
will follow your points.
I thought he would want to strut around with his woman at the Congress dinner and let everyone talk and say “see B – he has such a lovely new friend, he is such a lucky man,” and introduce his new acquistion to all including me and make me feel lousy.
Instead he went with me – and got a comment ” she is a Pearl, you are a lucky man”
cannot understand – what do you think,
sorry to bother you, I am here in my hotel room in Romania, preparing my presentation for tomorrow and battling with thoughts about him.
petite

Skylar’s and Oxy’s advice are superb petite and apply to any situation with him!

If you were to see him with a woman, imagine that crown of a queen on your head again! What would a queen do if she saw a courtier with a woman after flirting with her? She would not stare away immediately, but slowl with an icy cold expressiony, while waving an imaginary dust from her shoulder and continue her way with her head held high. Even if her heart was shattered into 1000 pieces.

Showcasing another woman in front of you is more hurtful after he gets you to bite his bait again. The moment he knows he has created expectations and hope of a reunion with him within you, that’s when he’ll make sure you’ll find out. He first wants the confirmation that he hooked you… and so first needs to hook you. At the moment he’s trying to hook you with the hot-cold seesaw.

Spaths hook us with that seesaw… they’ll lovebomb us, but will stop short just from making the necessary finally move. They’ll lead on, but won’t make the final move. This usually makes the target make the final move herself (invite him, kiss him, …). Having the target make the final move makes them more susceptible to cognitive dissonance and the spath’s games afterwards. Our minds work in a way that if we were to make a choice by taking action, then we’ll try to stick and defend that choice.

Petite,
For me, the number one red-flag of impending doom in any dating situation is when I am confused, second guessing, mind reading, or trying to figure out what really going on.
This is game-playing. This is not intimacy. This is what narcissists and spaths do, in relationships. They don’t commit. They play cat and mouse. They are experts at sending mixed messages, so they keep you insecure and out of sync. They want your total emotional energy focussed on them, and they will go to great lengths to get it, but, you can be sure that if they have it, they will distance, devalue and disgard.
We give ourselves away, when we allow them to steal our soul enegy away from ourselves…..they have target-dar, and know immediatly when the switch has been flipped…they just do, and it doesn’t matter how hard you play the game of not really caring or of being dis interested, they sence it like blood in the water, besides, it’s just a game.
The point is we ARE vulnerable as long as we are playing that game. And, we prove, not only to them, that we believe that’s all we deserve, but even worse, we translate that message to ourselves.
I agree with Skylar that your telling him you were un-safe going out on the streets alone, sent him a strong message…female rescepitivity….like a target on your head.

Love it, Skylar, “the spath giveth and the spath taketh away.” Spot on. Seduction and betrayal, reseduce and betray, again, round and round we go…..

Your friend may not understand he’s a spath and how they operate.

It is best to ignore his texts. Who cares what he thinks of you!In any case, spaths never think well of their toys. Silence is what you need and ought to want from him.

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