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My Brown Eyed Girl – Life DOES continue after the sociopath

Greetings to all my friends here on Lovefraud. I have been silent for a couple of weeks because I’ve been dealing with a few personal things I would now like to share with you. I already posted the story on my own blog and, after chatting with Donna (who is always so kind and supportive) I’ve realised that while my story is not about the usual sociopath or survivor message, it may possibly be of value. So here it is – with a few added words just for everyone here. I hope you like it…

It felt so deliciously peaceful just floating there in the nothingness. The noisy mind-chatter all but disappeared, I was happily allowing myself to drift off to sleep, enjoying the half-way-ness of being here, there and nowhere in particular. It was Thursday 9th August, and I was staying in Gloucester (UK) with my dear friends Sarah and Kevin.

With me was Patrice, a wonderfully kind and loving Frenchman that I have been seeing for a few months. I’d been rather distant with him over the previous few days, and was concerned that I didn’t understand my feelings towards him. I’d been pondering our relationship as I dozed off to sleep, and that was the moment when she came to me.

I sensed her way before I saw her, feeling her presence floating up from the nothingness below me… a rich, deep soul filled with love and laughter. And then, down to my left, a beautiful pair of treacle brown eyes appeared in the distance. They were searching – open, smiling, but not quite certain. I looked down to meet her gaze, and smiled at the mass of unkempt chocolatey curls that framed the most beautiful face. She stopped moving towards me when I smiled and just stayed there, hovering, questioning – was she shy? Was she nervous? Looking in to her eyes, I somehow knew what she was asking. In the silence that hung between us I told her “It’s OK. I’ve got you. You’re safe” Her smile broadened, and I felt the most enormous surge of love and connection between us. I asked her who she was. It was unclear at first, but slowly the letters appeared and the sounds formed…. Maddy. She let me know that her name was Maddy. And that she loved me.

The following day, two clear lines in the window of the tester stick confirmed what I already knew to be true. That at the age of 47 I was four weeks pregnant.

Life-Changing News

“I knew I was!” I burbled to Sarah, who was there with me – and who actually checked the result for me because I’d been too nervous to look myself! “I just knew it! What on earth am I going to do?” Screams, questions, tears and an overwhelming sense of joy danced and crashed around together inside me, and I burst in to tears. I knew instantly that any idea of termination was out of the question, so it was a matter of getting used to the idea and finding out how I really felt. Sitting on a bench outside just a few moments later, I called my friend Anna in France. Checking first whether she was sitting down, I blurted out the news. “You’ll never believe it… But I’m pregnant!” And with that it all became real. She was the first person I had told the news to – and now that the news was shared, it made it reality. Although the tears were flowing and I was still shaking with the shock, Anna’s response brought a smile to my face “Well, what a wonderful gift” she enthused“and you and Patrice will make wonderful parents!”

Patrice was overjoyed with the news – surprised, yes, but absolutely delighted. The more I got used to the idea, the happier I became. Me, a mother again, when I honestly thought any possibility of producing a sibling for Dylan was way behind me. I felt incredibly blessed, and determined to to everything possible to protect the little soul that was growing inside me.

A couple of days later I returned to France, and collected Dylan from the train station. He’d been staying with friends and of course I hadn’t  wanted to tell him the news until we were face to face. Naturally concerned about how he may react, I was overjoyed to find that he was as happy as me – he was delighted by the idea that he was going to be a big brother! I knew the baby was a little girl, and I shared with Dylan my story about Maddy – far from being skeptical, he gave me the hugest cuddle and said he was looking forward to meeting his sister. My own sister was also pleased for me, and with every passing hour I felt more filled with joy and wonderment as the miracle continued to unfold in front of me.

Emotional Roller-Coaster

Then just last Wednesday, and with no warning, I started to bleed. Only a small amount at first, but then quickly building as the cramps set in. I was losing Maddy. It was the same day that Dylan was packing to leave home, and it felt to me that I was losing two children in one fell swoop. It may make little sense, but although I had only known I was pregnant for less than a week, it felt like my entire world was falling apart. That evening, together with Patrice, I sobbed and wailed for my unborn baby. I had never appreciated the pain of a miscarriage – both emotional and physical – and simply was not prepared for the strength of overwhelming sadness that hit and hit again with relentless force.

“I don’t know what bloody contract my soul signed before I was born” I sobbed to Ruth and Anna who had come the moment I realised what was happening “but I clearly didn’t read the flippin small-print! I just can’t do this roller-coaster any more. I just can’t…”

But of course I could. And I did. The past week has been, quite frankly, absolutely ghastly. I dealt relatively quickly with the emotional onslaught, but physically it’s been just horrid. I had never appreciated just how debilitating it is to experience a miscarriage, and my heart bleeds for those women who lose unborn children at a much later stage than my relatively insignificant four weeks. My body doesn’t know what it’s doing, my hormones are all over the place, and I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

As with everything else, though, this experience has brought me unexpected gifts. I have learned so much – about myself and the wonderful people who are around me – and I feel more blessed now than I did before Maddy’s appearance. She has brought this to me, and while I may never hold her in my arms, I will always hold her in my heart.

Acknowledging The Gifts

Now I know without doubt that Patrice and I have a real chance of creating a wonderful future together. There is no need for me to hide or be scared anymore – he’s not Cam. He’s not a sociopath. He’s stuck by me through thick and thin, continuing to show me love and affection even through the times when I’ve questioned his intentions and pushed him away. And he’s going nowhere. On paper it may seem an unlikely proposition – he doesn’t speak a word of English, he’s 11 years younger than me, has no real comprehension of the work I do and, until a couple of weeks ago had never left the country. But at the same time, he’s the kindest deepest soul and the most gentle and genuine person I’ve ever met. To top it all, we get on like a house on fire – oh, and my son, sister and friends adore him too. So now I’m open to him – in the knowledge that with or without him I am already safe, happy and very loved.

As well as that, I have also learned through this experience that despite my age, I would very much like to have another child. Whether or not it’s going to be possible, who knows. The hospital has already warned me of the dangers of pregnancy for older women – both for mother and for child. But hey, life’s about love, miracles and hope isn’t it? And goodness knows I’m now ready and willing to accept and experience all of the good stuff.

So, now my focus will be on looking after myself – properly. And that means shifting some weight, taking up exercise, eating healthily and allowing myself to be loved and cared for by a man who may just possibly turn out to be the person I grow old with. And with a bit of luck, we may yet be able to welcome a new soul in to the world.

This, along with so many other experiences, is just further proof to me that there is indeed life and love after the sociopath. They can do their darndest, but the light that attracted them in the first place eventually glows brighter than ever before. Remember the scene in Star Wars where Obi Wan says to Darth Vadar “If you strike me down now I shall become more powerful that you can ever imagine”…? Ha – well that, in my opinion is what happens to all of us Beautiful Ones who are taken for granted, deceived and deliberately manipulated. No matter what they do to us, there’s no stopping us in the end 🙂

Thank you, Maddy, my beautiful brown eyed girl – in such a short period of time, you’ve had a profound effect on my life. I love you. And I love my life.


Comment on this article

14 Comments on "My Brown Eyed Girl – Life DOES continue after the sociopath"

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Mel – thank you so much for sharing this very personal experience. Although it’s sad, it does indeed show that there is life after sociopaths.

Mel,

This story brought tears to my eyes. I’m sorry that you had a miscarriage. Your daughter sounds precious, adorable. Life is filled with blessings – children are a blessing. You had a remarkable, wonderful, amazing experience, being able to see your jewel of a daughter. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Mel – I am sorry for your loss – losing a baby is so hard…

I am glad that, as you point out, there has been a tremendous gift – the opportunity to see how Patrice behaves under stressful conditions. I am happy for you that he is a good, kind and supportive man.

mel i am so sorry to hear about you losing your baby,my heart goes out to you……..thank you so much for the hope that life can recover and you can love again after an experience with a sociopath…..i wish you only happiness and blessings in your life…and thank you for the reminder of that apt statement from star wars,that did make me smile…..:)

Mel,

I am very sorry to read what befell you the past weeks. Talk about life smacking you around. On the one hand it was such a beautiful news one week, and then to lose it the next week. That and the biopsy of a few months ago.

I’m gently pulling you in my cuberarms and lay my hand on your heart. Lots of human love for you!

Mel, you will always “have” that “Brown eyed girl”—she is NOT “GONE” as long as you have the memory. I even have the wonderful memories of that little boy I loved who “died” about puberty and his body became the murderer who stalks me to this day.

The memories of those people who have loved us and that we have loved, even if they were only for a moment,, are always with us. Keep that precious memory forever and enjoy your life. You are free of the spaths.

Mel…oh, I don’t have words to type. I am so sorry for your loss, but OxD said it: you will always have that brown eyed girl. She came, for whatever reason, to reassure, to open a door…..something. Unconditional love.

Be at peace, dear Mel. Grieve, as you must, and know that Maddy will forever be smiling with you as you continue your walk on your healing path.

My most sincere comforting blessings to you.

Dear Mel,

what a horrendous experience. I can identify. I too found myself pregnant at the ripe old age of 47. This was to be the final straw for the spath who declared ” This always happens to me, just as I’m trying to dump a woman she gets pregnant”

Yeh. Lovely.

It was then I finally woke up. It was then I returned to my house which I still had, fortunately. Unlike you I had been to arrange a termination but nature took it’s course and I too lost the baby. It’s very bittersweet, if that is an appropriate description. Difficult to put into words how I felt. Relief but also guilt.

The circumstances were different for you, I know that. You have a good man and I’m so glad for you.

You will be ok. I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you brightest blessings to quote our dear Truthspeak.

Stay strong,
SW

Mel, I’m very sorry for your loss. What a great gift, however, that you got to meet with your unborn child on the astral. I have had a similar experience many years ago which I may share here at some point, but not now. But through the experience I had, I came to believe that the unborn child has his/her own agenda, just as we do as living adults. Perhaps it was just not her time.

I think it’s truly inspiring that you found a wonderful man, and also that you don’t feel you have to limit yourself to someone who is your age or older. I think a genuine connection has little to do with chronological age. Once a person has spiritual joy in their lives, their age becomes irrelevant to a certain extent. In fact, people who very spiritual tend to be young for their age anyway.

I wish you well in your goal to have a child, and it’s great that this goal has motivated you to become as healthy as you can be. You never know what great surprises are in store for you. 🙂 Just becoming more physically healthy will have great rewards in itself. My very best to you!

Soooo sorry for your loss! Don’t know what to say, am at a loss for words. Wishing you the very best, Mel.

What a dream…and then nightmare! I’ve often felt left out knowing I can never have anymore children due to a hysterectomy brought on by bad medicine. I could FEEL your delight at knowing you were having a baby at 47. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Maybe you will have another experience at motherhood yet.

Best wishes.

Mel, you’ve done so much for readers by sharing your experiences and insight, and it’s important that you know how valuable you are.

Brightest healing blessings to you

Donna I just read your story ,,,,,,,,, what a bastard heres my sociopath. Well I cant posthis picture so I guess i will just do it on google

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