Psychopaths are good at draining our finances and leaving us emotionally wrecked. Since I am still going through my custody battle (and likely will for a long time), I constantly think about ways I can make this experience less painful. Dealing with the aftermath of having a child with someone who has a personality disorder is traumatic.
If I have learned one lesson this past year its how important it is to find peace in this sea of chaos. Even after instituting as much “no contact” as is possible my child’s psychopathic parent, I have come to realize that there are people who like to fuel the drama of a psychopath for either entertainment or financial reasons. These people don’t necessarily have a personality disorder themselves, but they have their own personal motivations to keep the psychopath’s drama train on the tracks and headed right toward their victim.In the past year, I have learned many hard (and expensive) lessons. I wish I had known about these “Psychopath drama fuelers” before getting into my custody war with Luc because I would have tried to avoid them (at least to the degree that I could).
Psychopaths keep lawyers, police, judges, social workers, etc employed because custody cases involving psychopaths seem to never end. Even if there isn’t a child in the mix, people with severe personality disorders always end up needing lawyers and coming into contact with police. In addition to financial predators, there are also those people who surround themselves by this drama because they, too, get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching us suffer at the hands of the psychopath.I am sure that for every example I give, many of you who are also recovering from a relationship with a psychopath could come up with several of your own. I never noticed these people before I met Luc, but after I found myself laying on the train tracks of chaos with a psychopath headed right for me – tons of people came out of the woodwork to support Luc to make sure he continued on his path of destruction. These people seem to be everywhere and always willing to help the psychopath by fueling his delusions and lying to support his stories (even folks who are supposed to be neutral). While it is sometimes impossible to control those the psychopath brings to court, you can identify those predators who will surround you in order to exploit your pain for financial gain and/or push your buttons in order to incite further drama. Here are the two categories of Psychopath drama fuelers I have been able to identify:
Those who fuel for entertainment: (Supervised Visitation “Professional”)
At the conclusion of the first custody trial, Luc was ordered supervised visitation for a few months (until an access review hearing). Not knowing better, I suggested that we just go with the woman who had been recommended by the court evaluator. She had been supervising visits for eight years and she was a retired police officer.
Looking back on it, I should have questioned what type of person enters into this sort of “side job” and made sure I got references from families vice just the court. While some people might do it for the extra cash or for some actual altruistic reason, I now suspect that our supervisor took this side job for entertainment value. Over the course of the supervised visitation period, it appeared as though this woman enjoyed chaos and would often attempt to make me feel worse about the situation (while trying to appear sympathetic). At first I didn’t want to accept that she could be playing both sides, but now I understand that its best to limit my interaction with this woman.
The first clue that she couldn’t be trusted was when she would lie about what occurred on the visits (we had a third party watching). The baby would cry the entire time and Luc would sometimes fall asleep on the ground in the play area while he was supposed to be watching the baby. After these visits, the supervisor would say things like, “he did a great job today. I know this is hard for you to take. He is very charming.” Even though the supervisor mentioned her concerns about how he made his money (had hundreds in his wallet each week) and the fact that she believed he was delusional (based on his outlandish stories that were not based in reality), she got on the stand during the trial and told the court she had no concerns about Luc. As she got off the stand, she turned to me and winked. I felt like she had stabbed me.
When Luc was awarded unsupervised visits, the supervisor called me and said she couldn’t believe the court would do such a thing given all the terrible things he had done. I wanted to jump through the phone and punch her, but instead I continued to listen. She went on to tell me that she was concerned that Luc would kill me someday and how she worried he would take off with the baby and never come back. The week of the first visit, she actually had the nerve to ask me if I thought Luc would kill baby boy for a life insurance policy. I finally asked her why in hell she didn’t mention these concerns on the stand. Her response was, “well I don’t have any solid proof.”
So why does she say these things to me and then clam up on the stand? Well, she enjoys seeing me freak out. She feels better about herself to watch someone in such a terrible position. I have stopped sharing information with her and I no longer fall into her drama traps. While the supervisor’s comments may not have been outside the realm of possibility, they served no purpose other than to upset me as she was not willing to say them on the stand.
Those who fuel for financial benefit:
I have gone through three different law firms in the past year. My theory is that lawyers can smell a woman (or man) who is devastated and in desperate need of protection against a psychopath (for herself and most importantly her child). When there is a child involved, they act like vultures swooping down on fresh roadkill. They all want a piece of the meat and they want to take you for all you have. Lawyers also love these cases because they know that you are likely to be a cash cow. Custody wars with psychopaths are like gushing wounds that never stop bleeding. I have learned that with lawyers they will fuel this fight on and on until you can no longer pay – then they will disappear fat and happy (only to resurface again when they think they can get more out of you). Even if its in the child’s best interest to have no contact with the psychopath parent, its my belief that many of these lawyers fight to keep you in a situation where you can be a continuous cash cow. They are not interested in setting precedent and doing what is right – they just want your money.
How to avoid these people (or how to treat them if you are stuck with them):
To a certain extent, I realize that I was bound to come into contact with these people at some point in my custody war with Luc. Knowing that they exist, however, is half the battle. My best advice is to try and identify the motivation behind a person’s actions and pay close attention to these actions in relation to what they are telling you.
With an entertainment seeking Psycho drama fueler, limit your exposure to this person. In my case with the supervisor (she is doing the visitation exchanges now), I treat her just as I would treat the psychopath himself – no contact. Someone else interfaces with her and I limit my communication to only what is necessary. I don’t let Luc send messages through her beyond voicing when he is going to cancel a visit. If I don’t play into her attempts to draw me into conversation, she won’t have the ability to provoke me. Each visit, she is met with another member of my family and it appears as though she is less vocal with her provocations when I am not there.
As far as lawyers are concerned, be your own advocate. These people are only worried about their finances. You are just a client to them. If you discover a way to make litigation less expensive or you want them to push for something in particular – do not take no for an answer. Consider searching for a law firm experienced in fighting for the rights of victims of domestic abuse. Even though Luc never slapped me or punched me in the face, I was still abused and I now realize that I deserved for my case to be presented to the court this way.
You are your child’s best defense against the psychopath. As soon as we identify these Psychopath drama fuelers, it is easier to turn the tables and get them to work for us instead of against us.
Skylar, Shakespear’s, Lady Macbeth, “Out damned spot’. Trying to wash the blood off her hands.
You know…I just thought about something along the same lines as this post. One of the reasons I believe my ex might not be in jail for his crimes is that he roped others into them so deep that if they tell on him…they will also be implicating themselves. One of his ex girlfriends testified against him in my custody case and when she started to talk to the police….he got to her…and now she refuses to help anymore. My theory? At one point she was one of these people assisting him…it went too far…and now she is feeling guilty but still not willing to go to jail in order to bring him to justice.
C-queen, I agree with you, sometimes they rope others into illegal activities as well and then even if the other person repents of their acts and “goes straight” they are afraid to expose the P because to do so would cause them either legal or other problems.
I’m surprised you got the ex GF to testify in your custody case.
I KNOW this has happened in my situation.
She can get her boy friend and father of her 3 year old child to ask “how high” when she says jump because she has the ability to send him back to prison on drug charges.
That is the ONLY reason he is forced to stay with her and go along with everything she dishes out.
Ox Drover, I was actually very lucky with the people I had testify for me. I bought together two of his past victims (ex girlfriend and mother of one of his other victims who wasn’t alive herself to testify). I also brought a police officer who testified to all the times he had been arrested over the past several years for things ranging from embezzlement, to child abuse, to being the prime suspect in a murder investigation. Even after all of this….the judge discounted the ex girlfriend’s testimony because he didn’t respect her former career (and how Luc had exploited her online) and he said that since he hadn’t been convicted none of what the officer said could be used against him. Our legal system is unbelievable.
C-queen, I just went back and reread a previous post of yours about the “IN-justice” (as I call it) system.
Yes, a “first offender” is let off with a slap on the wrist or a juvy is let off with a slap for a serious crime.
Stats show that each “first offender” CHILD MOLESTER has had 300 child sexual contacts before they become a “first offender.”
DUH???? WTF????
I realize that there are not enough jails, our local one just added 80 beds which will be immediately filled with violent offenders and less than physically violent ones will be released to make “room” for others, so I realize the cops have to pick and choose which is “criminal enough” to lock someone up.
It just seems to me though that our society as a whole, which IS locking up more offenders than any other country–but crime IS DOWN FOR THE LAST DECADE, believe that or not! Right now there are 2 MILLION men and women in our prisons, and 5 MILLION on parole or probation (which IS a joke!) of thhose in prisons or those who are former convicts 25% of them are certifiable psychopaths. The other 75% have an AVERAGE PCL-R score of 22, and it only takes 30 to be a full fledged psychopath.
My son was diagnosed as “anti-social personality disorder” which is essentially what they call a psychopath now since there is no medical term “psychopath” recognized diagnostically…and he committed a cold blooded pre-meditated murder, and then sent a man to kill me (but fortunately that man failed) and my son is coming back up for parole again. I have to hire an attorney to FIGHT his parole release because I KNOW he will do his best to kill me or have me killed if he is inside or out, but I figure I have a better chance of being safe if he is INSIDE PRISON.
Every parole year my sainted egg donor hires him an attorney to try to show what a wonderful Christian he has become and how he has FOUND JEZZZZZUS! and how he deserves another chance even though he took away the chances of Jessica Witt when he blew out the brains of the 17 year old girl because she “ratted him out” on a credit card scam they were involved in and he was mad because he would go back to prison.
My egg donor has been a drama fueler and a protector of my son since he was 15—protecting him from me when I on those rare occasions rose up and tried to confront his criminal behavior. But I too engaged in protecting him from consequences of his behavior in the VAIN HOPE he would reform. NO MORE!
Ox Drover,
Your egg donor sounds like the perfect example of the type of person I am talking about. While many of us may have unwittingly defended these people initially when we were not aware that there was no clue for what ails them – I do blame those who know EXACTLY who these people are and still allow them to skirt the system and continue on their murderous crime spree.
When I spoke with the police, I told the homicide detective to his face that I wanted him to remember that conversation because I was his next victim. I told him that every day that man is on the street is another day my son might end up motherless. At this point, I don’t know what else to do other than to shame them. If we could believe that people like this would just stay in their homes and not hurt another soul..then fine. That is not going to happen though…they will continue to be violent criminals (or non violent ones who just con people out of their hard earned money).
Keep fighting Ox Drover – I wish you the best of luck in your fight. Your sperm donor should be ashamed of himself.
Cappaccinoqueen,
This topic is very good and your observations are spot on. I am suspicious of many in the family court system of being these types. What I found most disturbing was the number of women getting off on harming other women in this sick process. Many are judges and senators in my state. They do know what they are doing and they do it with intent. On one hand they are minions or enablers of psychopaths/sociopaths but on the other are they themselves psychopaths and/or sociopaths? One thing is for sure, in this arena there is a financial incentive to play along.
My first experience with a court rostered psychologist, was an experience similar to yours. This woman would attempt to bait me so she could write biased reports in favor of the psychopath. It probably drove her mad, that several of her traps went right over my head as I was so entrenched in disbelief of the whole process, I wouldn’t react as she expected. Later I would realize what she was doing. Everything happened later in my case as in many. We are unsuspecting victims who know our exes at this point are to be feared but who would think the whole system would enable a person like this to prevail at the expense of a child? This woman was a little old grandma looking lady with a phony tiny little voice which gave the impression of a mild person but she was a shrew! When I finally said to her face something was wrong with her in my exasperation, I saw in her eyes she knew it. That was a really confusing and then scary moment.
This is an education I wish the whole world could be spared of learning but the “helpers” and “fence riders” are the exact reason these monsters have made it into powerful positions and we are in this condition.
I believe all abuse is about a level of power and control. The points being made about the leaders of cults having no power without their followers all fits in. This is why I am so concerned about the over zealous use of religion.
My exes family hid what they well knew him to be from me in hopes he would change because they’d been praying for this change. Well, the change still hasn’t occurred but he went to prison and practiced his fake jesus loving game and so again they enabled him to go after us because they prayed and now he’s changed. UGH! I don’t know want to know what it will take for them to accept he is what he is.
I am wondering though Cappaccino, is there any possibility he’s working as a snitch? I have read a bit about this and if he gives them just enough to keep himself out of prison and arrest others, they’ll let him run around wreaking havoc on for quite a while. Mine was moved from one prison to another mid sentence?? So I did some digging and found he was beaten right before the move and it had something to do with his mouth to the degree they had to move him for his own safety. (unfortunately) Snitches get perks from the law if they actually have helped them bust people.
It was my experience with the spath attack and court, the evaluator kept us under his control weekly at the least and spath would see me every week. When I finally got me out of the equation, after a time and some attempts on his part to force interaction that failed thanks to others helping me, he began to lose interest in the game. As bizarre as it is, that really seemed to be key. The new court interventionist was picked by me and referred to me as a woman who cared about children and had specialized in child trauma and she was the one who kept me out of his sight. I got the referral from someone outside of the courts system in this field. That would be a suggestion for the future. Go outside of the court arena for any input and referrals you can get of people inside the court arena. Even the childrens advocates and non-profits proved to be in it for the money and social status…………Actually the only childrens advocate non-profit here, has done many of the behaviors you name in your post and is definitely and drama fueler taking advantage of women and children at their most vulnerable time. The director spoke down to me and other mothers I saw come for help. She was very belittling and terrifying in her own right. Cruel. I was told by my outside source to get away from her at my earliest chance and she’s another who chose this field but has no children… hhhmmmm….. Probably a good thing.
Great subject.
CQueen, $74,000.00 later and 5 lawyers later we still are paying for a the last of 2 children that refuse to see their father. My husband has always been a very active father before his divorce, and then all hell broke lose. His ex , Laura is a sociopath with BPD and narcistic behavior. She lives free off society and drains us of all that she can, regularly. We pay for children that can be truly defined as the worst case of parental alienation ever seen! There are 21 and 16 and don’t speak to their father unless they want something. We live very modestly and cannot ever even take a vacation because we have to save for the “legal arsenal”The 21 yr old just got emancipated , and the 16 yr old has years to go. No matter what their father does or tries to do for them it always gets turned around in their “mothers” favor and cost us $. She gets free help and $ because she uses people and is a professional liar and “victim”! It never ends as long as there is a financial tie to the sociopath, then they will move on to some other poor sole. Good Luck Beth V
Eralyn,
I have suspected that Luc might be a snitch of some sort because I really can’t make sense of what they are letting him get away with all the crimes that he has committed. That…or he is connected to the police through something else. Or…they just don’t care because the case is not politically charged enough for them to actually go after it. It’s pathetic how our justice system really works.
bethv, I have spent a load of money too. I wish that when this first happened someone had given me a book called “How to save money in a custody war with a psychopath”. That book, of course, hasn’t been written. LOL My advice to your husband would be to find some of those father’s rights groups and see if he can tap into the free legal help that seems to be out there for the other side. I wish I had known how much this was going to cost. I would have considered representing myself and just put my money into investigating him and trying to expose whatever illegal business he has going on. (he certainly isn’t working a legal job as he claims to the court.)
Luc seems to keep finding these “drama fuelers”. He is living with a pair of them now. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why they would put him up for free and continue to come fight for him in court. Thinking along the lines of this topic, however, I must accept that they might just be mean old buggers. (or psychopaths themselves)