Psychopaths are good at draining our finances and leaving us emotionally wrecked. Since I am still going through my custody battle (and likely will for a long time), I constantly think about ways I can make this experience less painful. Dealing with the aftermath of having a child with someone who has a personality disorder is traumatic.
If I have learned one lesson this past year its how important it is to find peace in this sea of chaos. Even after instituting as much “no contact” as is possible my child’s psychopathic parent, I have come to realize that there are people who like to fuel the drama of a psychopath for either entertainment or financial reasons. These people don’t necessarily have a personality disorder themselves, but they have their own personal motivations to keep the psychopath’s drama train on the tracks and headed right toward their victim.In the past year, I have learned many hard (and expensive) lessons. I wish I had known about these “Psychopath drama fuelers” before getting into my custody war with Luc because I would have tried to avoid them (at least to the degree that I could).
Psychopaths keep lawyers, police, judges, social workers, etc employed because custody cases involving psychopaths seem to never end. Even if there isn’t a child in the mix, people with severe personality disorders always end up needing lawyers and coming into contact with police. In addition to financial predators, there are also those people who surround themselves by this drama because they, too, get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching us suffer at the hands of the psychopath.I am sure that for every example I give, many of you who are also recovering from a relationship with a psychopath could come up with several of your own. I never noticed these people before I met Luc, but after I found myself laying on the train tracks of chaos with a psychopath headed right for me – tons of people came out of the woodwork to support Luc to make sure he continued on his path of destruction. These people seem to be everywhere and always willing to help the psychopath by fueling his delusions and lying to support his stories (even folks who are supposed to be neutral). While it is sometimes impossible to control those the psychopath brings to court, you can identify those predators who will surround you in order to exploit your pain for financial gain and/or push your buttons in order to incite further drama. Here are the two categories of Psychopath drama fuelers I have been able to identify:
Those who fuel for entertainment: (Supervised Visitation “Professional”)
At the conclusion of the first custody trial, Luc was ordered supervised visitation for a few months (until an access review hearing). Not knowing better, I suggested that we just go with the woman who had been recommended by the court evaluator. She had been supervising visits for eight years and she was a retired police officer.
Looking back on it, I should have questioned what type of person enters into this sort of “side job” and made sure I got references from families vice just the court. While some people might do it for the extra cash or for some actual altruistic reason, I now suspect that our supervisor took this side job for entertainment value. Over the course of the supervised visitation period, it appeared as though this woman enjoyed chaos and would often attempt to make me feel worse about the situation (while trying to appear sympathetic). At first I didn’t want to accept that she could be playing both sides, but now I understand that its best to limit my interaction with this woman.
The first clue that she couldn’t be trusted was when she would lie about what occurred on the visits (we had a third party watching). The baby would cry the entire time and Luc would sometimes fall asleep on the ground in the play area while he was supposed to be watching the baby. After these visits, the supervisor would say things like, “he did a great job today. I know this is hard for you to take. He is very charming.” Even though the supervisor mentioned her concerns about how he made his money (had hundreds in his wallet each week) and the fact that she believed he was delusional (based on his outlandish stories that were not based in reality), she got on the stand during the trial and told the court she had no concerns about Luc. As she got off the stand, she turned to me and winked. I felt like she had stabbed me.
When Luc was awarded unsupervised visits, the supervisor called me and said she couldn’t believe the court would do such a thing given all the terrible things he had done. I wanted to jump through the phone and punch her, but instead I continued to listen. She went on to tell me that she was concerned that Luc would kill me someday and how she worried he would take off with the baby and never come back. The week of the first visit, she actually had the nerve to ask me if I thought Luc would kill baby boy for a life insurance policy. I finally asked her why in hell she didn’t mention these concerns on the stand. Her response was, “well I don’t have any solid proof.”
So why does she say these things to me and then clam up on the stand? Well, she enjoys seeing me freak out. She feels better about herself to watch someone in such a terrible position. I have stopped sharing information with her and I no longer fall into her drama traps. While the supervisor’s comments may not have been outside the realm of possibility, they served no purpose other than to upset me as she was not willing to say them on the stand.
Those who fuel for financial benefit:
I have gone through three different law firms in the past year. My theory is that lawyers can smell a woman (or man) who is devastated and in desperate need of protection against a psychopath (for herself and most importantly her child). When there is a child involved, they act like vultures swooping down on fresh roadkill. They all want a piece of the meat and they want to take you for all you have. Lawyers also love these cases because they know that you are likely to be a cash cow. Custody wars with psychopaths are like gushing wounds that never stop bleeding. I have learned that with lawyers they will fuel this fight on and on until you can no longer pay – then they will disappear fat and happy (only to resurface again when they think they can get more out of you). Even if its in the child’s best interest to have no contact with the psychopath parent, its my belief that many of these lawyers fight to keep you in a situation where you can be a continuous cash cow. They are not interested in setting precedent and doing what is right – they just want your money.
How to avoid these people (or how to treat them if you are stuck with them):
To a certain extent, I realize that I was bound to come into contact with these people at some point in my custody war with Luc. Knowing that they exist, however, is half the battle. My best advice is to try and identify the motivation behind a person’s actions and pay close attention to these actions in relation to what they are telling you.
With an entertainment seeking Psycho drama fueler, limit your exposure to this person. In my case with the supervisor (she is doing the visitation exchanges now), I treat her just as I would treat the psychopath himself – no contact. Someone else interfaces with her and I limit my communication to only what is necessary. I don’t let Luc send messages through her beyond voicing when he is going to cancel a visit. If I don’t play into her attempts to draw me into conversation, she won’t have the ability to provoke me. Each visit, she is met with another member of my family and it appears as though she is less vocal with her provocations when I am not there.
As far as lawyers are concerned, be your own advocate. These people are only worried about their finances. You are just a client to them. If you discover a way to make litigation less expensive or you want them to push for something in particular – do not take no for an answer. Consider searching for a law firm experienced in fighting for the rights of victims of domestic abuse. Even though Luc never slapped me or punched me in the face, I was still abused and I now realize that I deserved for my case to be presented to the court this way.
You are your child’s best defense against the psychopath. As soon as we identify these Psychopath drama fuelers, it is easier to turn the tables and get them to work for us instead of against us.
Omg innocent people get so played into defending a sociopath.
I was raised by a psychopath and there was always drama. If you didn’t go along with her thinking and how she views this world you became a target and she knew well how to manipulate others into believing you to be a wack-job after her.
It’s so sick. This is the very reason I chose at times not to communicate with anyone. I think it has to do with this type of childhood traumas.
Hi everyone! I have been pretty down lately. Some of you are familiar with my story, thanks for all your help in the past!
Very briefly, my niece (brother’s daughter)is being abused by her mother (sister in law)on a daily basis. I was seriously thinking about going “no contact” but was not able to abandon my niece.
My niece is who is 6 years old is in second/third grade high ability program. She is now being coached by SIL to perform poorly on tests on purpose! SIL yelled at my niece this past Tue, Wed, and Thu for 2 + hrs each day, accompanied by a few blows. There was no bruising or visible wounds. My mother witnessed this whole thing for 3 days but was “afraid to interfere” because SIL will yell at her and felt it would be of no use. Visited my niece yesterday (Saturday), she was pretty down, my brother told me they have a retard for a child. He feels she is deserving of this cruelty!!! SIL is like a cult leader, plays mind games, fools and manipulates minds. She is beating up her kid for poor grades, when SHE HAS coached her to DO EXACTLY THAT! For everybody else it looks as though she is upset at her kid for getting poor grades on a couple of classes, even that does not deserve such treatment of a 6 year old!!! The problem is my niece is very intelligent, the kids in her class are nice to her, she likes her current teacher, so SIL wants to take her out of this class, this is one way she can do that and break her confidence and her psyche down. She wants my niece to be unhappy and obedient at all times!
I gave my niece a lot of compliments yesterday and told her that I am there for her but I only get to see her 2 or 3 times a month about 2 to 3 hrs each visit. I don’t know what to do! The abuse is escalating, SIL is punishing the kid because is very smart, sweet, loving, compassionate, this sends SIL into a violent rage. I had no idea any mother will want to break down/destroy their own daughter!!! What should I do, what can I do? SIL is making this family situation into a cult, she is the cult leader, the people that live there (my brother and my mom) do not dare question her! I am worried about my niece, I am afraid something worse may happen, I want to do more, but am helpless and powerless. I am afraid SIL will make my niece LIE to accuse me of some wrong doing, if I am any more of a threat to her. Any advice and support is appreciated. I remain very distressed and concerned…… caringaunt
Caringaunt, I am so horribly sorry to read of these abuses and your angst for your neice’s well-being.
I am going to ask you a very pointed and direct question and it is absolutely not intended to come off harsh or mean. Here goes: what do you believe you have the power to do?
There is a sad, cold, hard fact, here, and it is ugly and unpleasant. Aside from reporting the abuse to your local agency, there is absolutely nothing that you can do.
Accepting that any mother can (and, DOES) destroy their own child is the first step. Your brother is fully involved, as well, even if he’s being coerced into supporting his wife’s abusive behaviors. Your mother is enabling the abuse and excusing it on her not wanting to be “yelled at” by the abusive mother of her own grandchild. These are 100% toxic people and there is not one thing that you – Caringaunt – can do to alter these dynamics. Even contacting child protective services isn’t going to stop the abuses.
Perhaps, other readers will have better responses. I’m only typing on what I know to be true, and the truth isn’t always acceptable or comfortable.
My most brightest and comforting blessings to you…
Caring Aunt,
I am familiar with your story and I know it breaks your heart thhat not only you can see it, but can do NOTHING about it but what you are doing.
I do know one thing, that the influence of even ONE VOICE telling that child that she is smart and that she is LOVED will be an important part of her inner self for the rest of her life. So I think it is important for you to continue to be there as much as possible for the child.
I am not sure what CPS will do in such a case as this one, the child is not being locked in a dog cage and fed table scraps and even if she were, I’m not sure they would do a lot about it except make the mother open the cage at least once a day.
The kind of abuse your SIL does is much more subtle (and I think in a way worse) so I suggest that you hang in there and giver positive strokes to the child, let her know that there is one person who loves her, thinks she is smart and good,, and then just bide your time…the kid will grow and it won’t be long before “mommie dearest” wont’ have 100% control over her. Or who she sees.
Maybe you can volunteer at nieces’s school if that wouldn’t set mommy off…maybe make it like you are doing it in order to be mommy’s eyes and ears there. (Her spy) when in fact you are there to be there for the child. A grandmother friend of mine who was forbidden to see her granddaughter (that she had been the sole caregiver of til age 8 when her son remarried) and now the girl is age 17 1/2 and doing well….has realized daddy and step mom are abusive, sees her grandmother, has grown into a wonderful strong young woman who puts up with what she has to at “home” but has a job, makes her own money, has a car (parents won’t let her drive it though she has the money for insurance) but the day she turns 18 she is OUTTA THERE….no more abusive step mom, no more abusive dad, no more abusive real mom. This is a kid with TWO psychopathic parents and a P step mother, but a loving grandmother who stuck in there when she couldn’t see the kid for YEARS….volunteered at the girl’s school so sxhe could wave at the child across the cafeteria….but even a LITTLE POSITIVE SHOW OF LOVE MEANS A LOT TO A KID WHO DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING EXCEPT FEAR AND CRITICISM. ps KEEP PRAYING!
Thanks Truthspeak and Oxy for your feedback.
Truthspeak: You are not being harsh at all, I actually appreciate the honesty. Yes, not easy to think of a mother being a monster, but I suppose it is possible. The enablers are toxic as well, I need to accept that. It is not easy because these people are my own mother & my brother, I never quite thought of them that way.
Oxy: Yes, I will stay the course as long as I can. I needed to hear that I can make a difference in my niece’s life, however small. You have told me about your friend’s situation before and it is very encouraging. I am not able to volunteer in my niece’s school not just because of my work schedule, my SIL will not welcome that. She hates the fact that I still visit my niece and maintain some contact.
omg.sooo sad. caringaunt… children are a blessing not to be messed with.. she needs u.. right is right and wrong is wrong and this is sad..call police..call protective services.call news if nothings done about it..lack of concern on a childs welfare.. they will love the story… be anonymous of course… get her somehow to a child psycologist…if u could with your visits. talk to a lawyer on rights on protecting family… a child psy. will know what to do they see this horrible behavior everyday.. call one if u have to ask what u can do who to talk to.. call a court child judge..call.call.call. untill u get that child the heck out of that house. 6 just a baby..
how about explaing it to school whats going on…. tell them your story..tell the princ..school counselor…??? make calls..
Hi imlivingithelp, Thanks for your feedback and your compassion for my niece. This situation is not so easy, if I were to call the police or talk to the school principal, I need guaranteed results. If things do not go right I will lose my privileges to visit my niece… Even with anonymous reporting, SIL will know it is me. She could easily have her kid lie for her and make everyone doubt my credibility! She has turned my brother against his own kid, (he used to love her so much), then SIL is capable of anything. As Oxy has pointed out with the dog cage example… Although I feel helpless, talking this out with everyone here does really help! I thank you all!!!
The psychopath drama fueler reared her ugly head again this morning during a visitation exchange. I am really not sure what is up with this woman, but she seems to have forgotten that we PAY her for supervising exchanges.
Last night, my son had a fever and I was trying to assess whether or not it was safe to continue with the visit as scheduled. Instead of leaving me alone to care for my sick child, she harassed me via text about how she didn’t want to offer a substitute for a visit she cannot make. Instead, I am being asked to give up my long weekend in November so that Luc can have a make up visit.
When I told her I was unavailable for the ONE day she offered as a make up, her response was, “ok just be aware that I will have to inform Luc that you are in violation of the court order by not being available on the day I provide for a make up visit.” WTH? I know that the custodial parent always needs to appear as if he/she is going out of their way to make things easier and ensure visits happen (in order to not get into trouble with the courts), but this is getting insane. Is it just me or was her comment threatening? Sometimes I need a sanity check on these things so I would appreciate any advice you all could offer me. Thanks
Cappaccinoqueen,
It’s INSANE. They controlled my life and actually took our lives away for 3 and a half years at spaths demand.
The drama fueler is typical government/family court puke! They don’t care about your life. They don’t look at anything through your eyes. It’s a court order and she’s a F”ng robot getting PAID but she believes you are under her
CONTROL and she doesn’t owe you a service for your money. You are COURT ORDERED.
I never felt so helpless for a marathon mental beating in my life. They are all friggin sick. Let her let Luc know. Our drama fueler just wrote letters to the judge about me and cost me tens of thousands of dollars. Keep documentation of what was happening and why. That’s all you can do. My drama fueler wrote 8 or 9 letters full of lies and explanable truths. I never got to speak and that’s when I got sanctioned.
If you ever see an opening to get rid of her, start getting your feelers out for people who know which court appointees are kind, so you can have an option if needed.
It was my saving grace and my childs getting rid of that drama fueler. Here, I found the REAL court appointees that were good, drove average conservative vehicles and the ones to watch out for were driving flashy cars. Even that 78 year old hag, drama fueler who wanted to ride off with bio hazard on his harley into the sunset.
Just an observation in my area….$$$$$$$