Psychopaths are good at draining our finances and leaving us emotionally wrecked. Since I am still going through my custody battle (and likely will for a long time), I constantly think about ways I can make this experience less painful. Dealing with the aftermath of having a child with someone who has a personality disorder is traumatic.
If I have learned one lesson this past year its how important it is to find peace in this sea of chaos. Even after instituting as much “no contact” as is possible my child’s psychopathic parent, I have come to realize that there are people who like to fuel the drama of a psychopath for either entertainment or financial reasons. These people don’t necessarily have a personality disorder themselves, but they have their own personal motivations to keep the psychopath’s drama train on the tracks and headed right toward their victim.In the past year, I have learned many hard (and expensive) lessons. I wish I had known about these “Psychopath drama fuelers” before getting into my custody war with Luc because I would have tried to avoid them (at least to the degree that I could).
Psychopaths keep lawyers, police, judges, social workers, etc employed because custody cases involving psychopaths seem to never end. Even if there isn’t a child in the mix, people with severe personality disorders always end up needing lawyers and coming into contact with police. In addition to financial predators, there are also those people who surround themselves by this drama because they, too, get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching us suffer at the hands of the psychopath.I am sure that for every example I give, many of you who are also recovering from a relationship with a psychopath could come up with several of your own. I never noticed these people before I met Luc, but after I found myself laying on the train tracks of chaos with a psychopath headed right for me – tons of people came out of the woodwork to support Luc to make sure he continued on his path of destruction. These people seem to be everywhere and always willing to help the psychopath by fueling his delusions and lying to support his stories (even folks who are supposed to be neutral). While it is sometimes impossible to control those the psychopath brings to court, you can identify those predators who will surround you in order to exploit your pain for financial gain and/or push your buttons in order to incite further drama. Here are the two categories of Psychopath drama fuelers I have been able to identify:
Those who fuel for entertainment: (Supervised Visitation “Professional”)
At the conclusion of the first custody trial, Luc was ordered supervised visitation for a few months (until an access review hearing). Not knowing better, I suggested that we just go with the woman who had been recommended by the court evaluator. She had been supervising visits for eight years and she was a retired police officer.
Looking back on it, I should have questioned what type of person enters into this sort of “side job” and made sure I got references from families vice just the court. While some people might do it for the extra cash or for some actual altruistic reason, I now suspect that our supervisor took this side job for entertainment value. Over the course of the supervised visitation period, it appeared as though this woman enjoyed chaos and would often attempt to make me feel worse about the situation (while trying to appear sympathetic). At first I didn’t want to accept that she could be playing both sides, but now I understand that its best to limit my interaction with this woman.
The first clue that she couldn’t be trusted was when she would lie about what occurred on the visits (we had a third party watching). The baby would cry the entire time and Luc would sometimes fall asleep on the ground in the play area while he was supposed to be watching the baby. After these visits, the supervisor would say things like, “he did a great job today. I know this is hard for you to take. He is very charming.” Even though the supervisor mentioned her concerns about how he made his money (had hundreds in his wallet each week) and the fact that she believed he was delusional (based on his outlandish stories that were not based in reality), she got on the stand during the trial and told the court she had no concerns about Luc. As she got off the stand, she turned to me and winked. I felt like she had stabbed me.
When Luc was awarded unsupervised visits, the supervisor called me and said she couldn’t believe the court would do such a thing given all the terrible things he had done. I wanted to jump through the phone and punch her, but instead I continued to listen. She went on to tell me that she was concerned that Luc would kill me someday and how she worried he would take off with the baby and never come back. The week of the first visit, she actually had the nerve to ask me if I thought Luc would kill baby boy for a life insurance policy. I finally asked her why in hell she didn’t mention these concerns on the stand. Her response was, “well I don’t have any solid proof.”
So why does she say these things to me and then clam up on the stand? Well, she enjoys seeing me freak out. She feels better about herself to watch someone in such a terrible position. I have stopped sharing information with her and I no longer fall into her drama traps. While the supervisor’s comments may not have been outside the realm of possibility, they served no purpose other than to upset me as she was not willing to say them on the stand.
Those who fuel for financial benefit:
I have gone through three different law firms in the past year. My theory is that lawyers can smell a woman (or man) who is devastated and in desperate need of protection against a psychopath (for herself and most importantly her child). When there is a child involved, they act like vultures swooping down on fresh roadkill. They all want a piece of the meat and they want to take you for all you have. Lawyers also love these cases because they know that you are likely to be a cash cow. Custody wars with psychopaths are like gushing wounds that never stop bleeding. I have learned that with lawyers they will fuel this fight on and on until you can no longer pay – then they will disappear fat and happy (only to resurface again when they think they can get more out of you). Even if its in the child’s best interest to have no contact with the psychopath parent, its my belief that many of these lawyers fight to keep you in a situation where you can be a continuous cash cow. They are not interested in setting precedent and doing what is right – they just want your money.
How to avoid these people (or how to treat them if you are stuck with them):
To a certain extent, I realize that I was bound to come into contact with these people at some point in my custody war with Luc. Knowing that they exist, however, is half the battle. My best advice is to try and identify the motivation behind a person’s actions and pay close attention to these actions in relation to what they are telling you.
With an entertainment seeking Psycho drama fueler, limit your exposure to this person. In my case with the supervisor (she is doing the visitation exchanges now), I treat her just as I would treat the psychopath himself – no contact. Someone else interfaces with her and I limit my communication to only what is necessary. I don’t let Luc send messages through her beyond voicing when he is going to cancel a visit. If I don’t play into her attempts to draw me into conversation, she won’t have the ability to provoke me. Each visit, she is met with another member of my family and it appears as though she is less vocal with her provocations when I am not there.
As far as lawyers are concerned, be your own advocate. These people are only worried about their finances. You are just a client to them. If you discover a way to make litigation less expensive or you want them to push for something in particular – do not take no for an answer. Consider searching for a law firm experienced in fighting for the rights of victims of domestic abuse. Even though Luc never slapped me or punched me in the face, I was still abused and I now realize that I deserved for my case to be presented to the court this way.
You are your child’s best defense against the psychopath. As soon as we identify these Psychopath drama fuelers, it is easier to turn the tables and get them to work for us instead of against us.
Eralyn ~
I’ve been there too. Our GAL from Hell threatened to put our emotionally and neurologically impaired grandson into a foster home. He was 9 years old and we had been the only home he had known since he was 2 months old. Her reason – she did not feel we were doing enough to help him establish a relationship with his “mother” who had not seen him in over 5 years (her choice) When our grandson refused to speak with his “mother” on the phone, we were held in contempt of court. We had to drag him to the phone, hold it to his ear and threaten him to make him talk. We had NO choice, or he would have been removed from our home.
Just like you, CappQ and dozens of others on here – “Best interest of the Child” is a sick joke.
CQueen, I honestly do not want to fuel any more anxiety for you, but rest assured that Luc has already begun the emotional terrorizing, TRUST me on this. Even though a 15 month old doesn’t have the ability to communicate, clearly, yet, they most surely can understand facial expressions, voice tone and pitch, and everything visual and audible in human communication.
And, not to sound harsh, but please don’t “blame” your attorneys for thsi woman’s presence in your situation. This is the way it is, and she as just part of the draw. VERY few officers of the court have any interest in anything other than their paychecks. Period. But, if you want to assist your attorneys, tell them that you insist that she be fired and another exchange officer be appointed. You have this right, CQueen. You may not be able to rescind the Order for Visitation, but you sure can take measures to see that the exchange isn’t an opportunity for someone to act out abuse.
Hugs CQueen – I know it’s so horribly stressful.
CappQ,
Psycho threatened that and much else which he exacted on to this child 10 years later! I am not sure how my daughter got the idea to “record” one of their meetings which got me sanctioned but got that witch out of our lives, but she did.
Your sons fever issue is not good but I wonder if that’s going to be your saving grace somehow. Luc isn’t going to think this is so fun. Hopefully he finds better “supply” that doesn’t cause HIM grief. I just worry about them being ordered to pay child support as that is what keeps them hooked on “rights”.
Has Luc had any other children?
Milo,
They put the loving person (mom, dad, g-ma, g-pa, adoptive parent etc) in a position of betraying the child continually!
I have never had homicidal ideations…………………before.
Luc has several other children. He has sole custody of one son (who’s mother he likely murdered). He is currently living off of that child’s death benefits from the mother. He has several others whom he does not acknowledge that we know about. One who is now an adult, and at least two between my son and the son he is currently the custodian for.
The thing that worries me is that the children he does not acknowledge, all of those women knew what he was and had the sense to run before he could sink his fangs into them. I was caught completely off guard with him and it seemed like I woke up one day and realized he was a monster…and then ended up in court.
Luc has been ordered to pay a ridiculously low amount to the court….which honestly…I wish he would just stop paying if it meant he would go away.
MiLo, it’s been suggested before, but it sometimes is better to throw in the towel EVEN when we know that the children are not in the best situations. Now, before anyone gets into an uproar about this, I’m not directing this observation to any single survivor. This is just an observation.
The Courts aren’t interested in common sense. They aren’t interested in who the villain is or who the victims might be. They aren’t interested in what the spath parents have done, nor are they interested in what they continue to do. These are FACTS. Because we cannot imagine that Court Orders would be anything other than “just” and protective of innocent children, we become extremely disillusioned, jaded, upset, and overwhelmed with anxiety and righteous anger because the Court Orders are anything BUT just or protective of innocent children. So, we are approaching Court Ordered Visitation with fear, anxiety, dread, and absolute anger. This drama and visceral emotional state affects the children in question, without fail.
We demonstrate extreme concern for our children when they are returned to us. We thoroughly examine them to make sure that they’re whole and healthy. We question them to make sure that they were properly fed and weren’t exposed to more trauma. They are OVERWHELMED by our own state of emotions and hyper-concerns, and we don’t have to do this. These children – these innocent souls – are learning that the drama/trauma has POWER. Power to cause mom/dad to smother them with well-meaning attention, and they either succumb to this, or they learn how to manipulate this concern via the tutelage of the spath parent. There is no way around this other than grey-rocking the entire situation and approaching custody/visitation as a business obligation.
At one point, when my eldest was in and out of Juvenile Court, I was threatened that my son would be taken away from me and sent to a foster home. I had finally reached the end of my rope – a parent with a spath child who acts out can do nothing to control or even guide that child. I finally responded, “Okay. How long would he be in foster care? Six months? Okay. Let’s do this and I’ll finally get a full-night’s sleep without fear of having my throat cut during the night or my car stolen and wrecked.” The Judge looked at me like I had dropped down from Mars.
There comes a point when we have to take control back from these entities, and we have to do this one step at a time. We will never, ever, EVER compel any Court to use common sense or logic, and we cannot accomplish these steps if we’re taking them in fear and anger. Courts only see Law, and that’s it. We have a choice to either accept this, or not. Accepting this fact will allow us to take a breath and put the emotions aside for business. Not accepting this fact only feeds the Fury Monkey more bananas. We will ruminate on the injustice of it all and worry ourselves into such a state of hyper-anxiety that we will become irreversibly sick.
Business. It’s all about business.
Brightest blessings
CQueen, we must have posted over one another.
Would you seriously be willing to forego child support if he wrote off his “parental rights?” Have you ever suggested this to your attorneys?! They wouldn’t want to go this route, because it would mean no outrageous fees for them, you see.
If it were me, I’d tell Luc to keep his filthy money and see ya later, alligator!
Earlyn ~
I have had those ideations myself …..
We are now 2 years later, our grandson is 11 years old and is in counselling AGAIN. This time primarily because “mom” won liberal visitation rights, came back into his life, then disappeared AGAIN. She is now on 2 years probation, has been arrested 2 times in the past few months for prostitution and drug charges. The GAL from Hell, who is a private attorney also, represented a father in a custody case that ended when her client lured the mother of his child into a vacant building and killed her. These were the people who “won” in court.
Truthspeak,
While I will NEVER take the stance of “throwing in the towel” on my son, I do agree what I think your main point is…the stress we cause ourselves over this powerless situation is bad for the child.
This morning when I dropped off my feverish/scared baby, I made a point to look at him, smile and say, “Have fun baby. Mama loves you and I will see you later on today.” I acted toward him as if I was so excited about the day and excited about the hugs I was giving him. I focused my anxiety in that moment on my baby. As the supervisor tried to rush me through the exchange, there was a moment where I literally drowned her out and couldn’t even hear what she was saying.
It is not throwing in the towel to CHOOSE to not allow yourself to be wrapped up in worrying about things that are beyond your control.
I try hard every day to tell myself that I need to focus more on the positive things and just deal with the negative. The problems I face now….mostly….are my concerns that I will miss an opportunity to document or show what is really happening.
With the courts, yes…there is a lot of “I don’t give a crap…its not MY kid.” That being said, there are humans in the system who if they really and truly saw these psychopaths for what they are….would be appalled and I believe they would try and protect the children. Maybe I haven’t been doing this long enough and i am too idealistic…but for that reason…I will never throw in the towel in this war. As long as Luc decides to stick around…I will always shine the light on his terrible behavior.
Truthspeak, I would love for Luc to sign away his parental rights instead of paying child support. Unfortunately, however, I am positive this would be used against me if I even asked. See, Luc doesn’t make his money legally so the small sum he has to pay is really not a deterrent. It’s all about the terror and the power to him. He doesn’t want to be told he CANT have access. I really think that what it would take is for him to realize that it was wasting him the opportunity to hook a new victim. If he gets anther victim who is paying to support Luc’s parasitic lifestyle and she doesn’t want to deal with the drama that comes along with my son….I think he might actually go away. He also has the long term attention span of a fly…so I think if I give it some time and try as hard as I can not to react….this might not last all too long.