Psychopaths are good at draining our finances and leaving us emotionally wrecked. Since I am still going through my custody battle (and likely will for a long time), I constantly think about ways I can make this experience less painful. Dealing with the aftermath of having a child with someone who has a personality disorder is traumatic.
If I have learned one lesson this past year its how important it is to find peace in this sea of chaos. Even after instituting as much “no contact” as is possible my child’s psychopathic parent, I have come to realize that there are people who like to fuel the drama of a psychopath for either entertainment or financial reasons. These people don’t necessarily have a personality disorder themselves, but they have their own personal motivations to keep the psychopath’s drama train on the tracks and headed right toward their victim.In the past year, I have learned many hard (and expensive) lessons. I wish I had known about these “Psychopath drama fuelers” before getting into my custody war with Luc because I would have tried to avoid them (at least to the degree that I could).
Psychopaths keep lawyers, police, judges, social workers, etc employed because custody cases involving psychopaths seem to never end. Even if there isn’t a child in the mix, people with severe personality disorders always end up needing lawyers and coming into contact with police. In addition to financial predators, there are also those people who surround themselves by this drama because they, too, get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching us suffer at the hands of the psychopath.I am sure that for every example I give, many of you who are also recovering from a relationship with a psychopath could come up with several of your own. I never noticed these people before I met Luc, but after I found myself laying on the train tracks of chaos with a psychopath headed right for me – tons of people came out of the woodwork to support Luc to make sure he continued on his path of destruction. These people seem to be everywhere and always willing to help the psychopath by fueling his delusions and lying to support his stories (even folks who are supposed to be neutral). While it is sometimes impossible to control those the psychopath brings to court, you can identify those predators who will surround you in order to exploit your pain for financial gain and/or push your buttons in order to incite further drama. Here are the two categories of Psychopath drama fuelers I have been able to identify:
Those who fuel for entertainment: (Supervised Visitation “Professional”)
At the conclusion of the first custody trial, Luc was ordered supervised visitation for a few months (until an access review hearing). Not knowing better, I suggested that we just go with the woman who had been recommended by the court evaluator. She had been supervising visits for eight years and she was a retired police officer.
Looking back on it, I should have questioned what type of person enters into this sort of “side job” and made sure I got references from families vice just the court. While some people might do it for the extra cash or for some actual altruistic reason, I now suspect that our supervisor took this side job for entertainment value. Over the course of the supervised visitation period, it appeared as though this woman enjoyed chaos and would often attempt to make me feel worse about the situation (while trying to appear sympathetic). At first I didn’t want to accept that she could be playing both sides, but now I understand that its best to limit my interaction with this woman.
The first clue that she couldn’t be trusted was when she would lie about what occurred on the visits (we had a third party watching). The baby would cry the entire time and Luc would sometimes fall asleep on the ground in the play area while he was supposed to be watching the baby. After these visits, the supervisor would say things like, “he did a great job today. I know this is hard for you to take. He is very charming.” Even though the supervisor mentioned her concerns about how he made his money (had hundreds in his wallet each week) and the fact that she believed he was delusional (based on his outlandish stories that were not based in reality), she got on the stand during the trial and told the court she had no concerns about Luc. As she got off the stand, she turned to me and winked. I felt like she had stabbed me.
When Luc was awarded unsupervised visits, the supervisor called me and said she couldn’t believe the court would do such a thing given all the terrible things he had done. I wanted to jump through the phone and punch her, but instead I continued to listen. She went on to tell me that she was concerned that Luc would kill me someday and how she worried he would take off with the baby and never come back. The week of the first visit, she actually had the nerve to ask me if I thought Luc would kill baby boy for a life insurance policy. I finally asked her why in hell she didn’t mention these concerns on the stand. Her response was, “well I don’t have any solid proof.”
So why does she say these things to me and then clam up on the stand? Well, she enjoys seeing me freak out. She feels better about herself to watch someone in such a terrible position. I have stopped sharing information with her and I no longer fall into her drama traps. While the supervisor’s comments may not have been outside the realm of possibility, they served no purpose other than to upset me as she was not willing to say them on the stand.
Those who fuel for financial benefit:
I have gone through three different law firms in the past year. My theory is that lawyers can smell a woman (or man) who is devastated and in desperate need of protection against a psychopath (for herself and most importantly her child). When there is a child involved, they act like vultures swooping down on fresh roadkill. They all want a piece of the meat and they want to take you for all you have. Lawyers also love these cases because they know that you are likely to be a cash cow. Custody wars with psychopaths are like gushing wounds that never stop bleeding. I have learned that with lawyers they will fuel this fight on and on until you can no longer pay – then they will disappear fat and happy (only to resurface again when they think they can get more out of you). Even if its in the child’s best interest to have no contact with the psychopath parent, its my belief that many of these lawyers fight to keep you in a situation where you can be a continuous cash cow. They are not interested in setting precedent and doing what is right – they just want your money.
How to avoid these people (or how to treat them if you are stuck with them):
To a certain extent, I realize that I was bound to come into contact with these people at some point in my custody war with Luc. Knowing that they exist, however, is half the battle. My best advice is to try and identify the motivation behind a person’s actions and pay close attention to these actions in relation to what they are telling you.
With an entertainment seeking Psycho drama fueler, limit your exposure to this person. In my case with the supervisor (she is doing the visitation exchanges now), I treat her just as I would treat the psychopath himself – no contact. Someone else interfaces with her and I limit my communication to only what is necessary. I don’t let Luc send messages through her beyond voicing when he is going to cancel a visit. If I don’t play into her attempts to draw me into conversation, she won’t have the ability to provoke me. Each visit, she is met with another member of my family and it appears as though she is less vocal with her provocations when I am not there.
As far as lawyers are concerned, be your own advocate. These people are only worried about their finances. You are just a client to them. If you discover a way to make litigation less expensive or you want them to push for something in particular – do not take no for an answer. Consider searching for a law firm experienced in fighting for the rights of victims of domestic abuse. Even though Luc never slapped me or punched me in the face, I was still abused and I now realize that I deserved for my case to be presented to the court this way.
You are your child’s best defense against the psychopath. As soon as we identify these Psychopath drama fuelers, it is easier to turn the tables and get them to work for us instead of against us.
Truthspeak,
I agree with your summation of the courts and many points you make but I also believe it’s easier said than done.
If the other parent is a sociopath/psycholpath, at some point you will submit. You just will. There were times when I wanted to scream “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I feel the child support is blood money and I did the math for the lawyers and the judge and got a pretty good clip here. But the whole process is a violation of our senses and core beliefs. It takes time to break a protective mother from this when her children are concerned.
It’s inhumane to ask a parent to be unemotional about their child. IMO. It can happen though. It does happen after your beating is as much as you can take. It’s strange. I would state I couldn’t go to another meeting but I kept on. I had people all around saying “accept this, accept that” and I couldn’t. When I would give up, they’d then say what kind of mother gives up? This child needs you! So I dragged on. All my mind thought was I am buying TIME.
I believed if I could remain standing, it was my experience psycho lives his life, without his children! He threatened me to never go after child support but his antics got a child support order and child who hates him, has never even hugged him. So of course he fought to get some visitation but I kept standing. The child support order is enough to keep him in the game unfortunately and I would’ve lived without it too….
Now he’s distracted with HIS life and leaving us alone again. I can only hope something similar happens for CappQ and be glad it’s a low child support as your life may not be worth that little amount as it would’ve been if it had been higher. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers CappQ. Hold ON and your son will be ok…….
You are doing the right thing putting that good energy out for your child. I did the same. I did my best and I can’t believe it.
If you can think of what is currency to Luc if any such thing is, then I would focus on it. My demise was psycho was rested up from prison, being advise that he could get her and I would pay and a clear schedule with ONE big minion coming out. I had a pea shooter and spit wads to their machine guns and no directions. I am still here and he’s not for now and that’s all I know. I hope the same for every mom who has something to fear in the ex.
Milo,
I found a law suit against our crazy court facilitator and then I found one where our childs advocate had been sued WITH THE WITCH! Funny how that case was sealed right when the court ordered my daughter to be counseled by them. They know I had a PI license and such. So……Then after I bought my child out of her office, she had a child abducted by a father who she was ‘working for’ and gone for days. Funny that dad had the same attorney my ex does!!! Is it corruption? More than anyone will admit!
Milo I am sorry for your grandson. I am glad the mom is going where she is best suited………I am glad you haven’t acted on your ehum……….ideations. 🙂
Truthspeak,
Foregoing child support is NOT an option. The federal law states a child has the right to be supported by two parents. Even if the parents agree, the other parent has the legal right to collect child support under federal law unless or until there is a person willing to take the fathers place in support. In essence willing to adopt the child. They don’t care what kind of deal you’re willing to make amongst each other. It won’t hold up.
I tried!
CappQ,
I think you have your light.
I would remain standing and as strong as you can but don’t push the facilitator just grey rock as much as possible.
The leopard doesn’t change their spots. You have an idea of what it’s going to take and I would hang my hat on it.
Look at Milos grandbaby. She probably bet this mom would do this. I bet my psycho would do what he’s doing (it just took longer than anyone expected) so hang in and love your boy.
One light for you CappQ, I have friends who grew up with some seriously bad parents. The thing I saw that made the difference in every single case??…One parent loved that child and believed in that childs future and who they were. If they had ONE parent in the house, they turned out ok! If they had two like me, their odds were much less and that person had a more difficult time.
Eralyn,
I’m certain that corruption is the rule rather than the exception. But like abuse, it goes underground and is denied by everyone until one abuser is caught red-handed, literally with blood on his hands.
With that in mind, treat everyone as a possible enemy until they have proved otherwise. Always look for red flags, as you said, “fancy cars and plastic surgery”. Learning to read people is uncomfortable but is probably one of the most useful skills anyone can gain. And it doesn’t stop, you can always find a new specimen that had previously gone undetected, since humanity comes in varied forms.
Cap Queen, you’ve gotten some great advice and opinions. There is not much I can add except to reiterate that you need to hide your real feelings and values from Luc and the Drama Fueler too.
There is no ONE right answer. What I’ve learned from the psychopath is that it is possible to take ANY circumstances and turn them in your favor. That is what he did 24/7. The only times I ever “won” against him was when I pretended to be and think 180 degrees the opposite of the truth. In other words, when I backspathed him. Funny how the spaths never imagine that WE can lie and fake as well as they do. WE CAN.
I’m not saying it’s a healthy way to live or be, I’m just saying sometimes we are put in that position.
My first instinct was to tell you to can the drama fueler because she can be used by Luc to testify against you. Spaths isolate their victims. They take away anyone who is in our corner, who could bear witness for us, who could support us emotionally. So, I was going to suggest that you isolate Luc as much as possible. Take his drama fueler away. I still think that this is the best option, even if you have to go to court to do it.
Alternatively, if you can find a way to use drama fueler against him, that would work too. If you can use SELECTIVE gray rock against her, by giving her fake drama to take to Luc, this could send them on a wild goose chase in the wrong direction. So this is an example of using whatever is available to your your advantage, the way that a spath does.
The game they play is like the TV show Mcgyver, where he makes extraordinary things from common everyday objects.
Spath even uses his dyslexia and inability to spell to his advantage through the pity ploy. Nobody would ever imagine that those severe disadvantages could be played into a free helicopter and hundreds of thousands from millionaires and billionaires. But a spath can and does do that.
I realize that this is not how you want to live your life. Sometimes we have no choice.
No offense intended when using the term mom. I should’ve used the term PARENT. It’s just a habit. My right mind knows protective parents are suffering be them in whatever form. I have no judgement against anyone who loves anyone or anything as I believe love is what counts. I just want all to know when I am typing I am in my head and don’t want to be judged any more than the next person. I had a kid out of wedlock with a spath multi felon.
Just sayin. I know people get defensive and written words are left to the interpretation of the recipient.
Hey Eralyn – don’t worry about terms or words. “I had a kid out of wedlock with a spath multi felon.” WELL – I have a spath daughter who is a prostitute … Let’s go book Jerry Springer . LOL
Seriously, if we start judging each other for words or terms, we might as well just give up.
ps. I usually use the term “parental unit” because poor Grand is stuck with two spath’s for parents. Male “parental unit” served 8 years for armed robbery and kidnapping.
Milo,
I was telling my “millionaire friend/business associate” who’d been there the night longterm first abuser probably spath nearly beat me to death and then again when I got pregnant venturing out in a “fling” with spath 2, that it seems like you are doing well if who you’re dating has only raped “one” or killed “one” person these days. It was a sick joke and luckily he got it. He shared with me a little secret of his own about an X who stabbed herself one night in an attention seeking event and tried to pin it on him!
He was not someone who would do that. He was hiding in bushes and all kinds of stuff. So we yucked it up sometimes talking about how “they never go away” and stuff. Lightens up the mood.
Thanks for jumping in there and making me feel better. I know I can overlook typed words but we all may have a sensitive moment.
We may know why Jerry was so popular as there were a lot more of us out here than we care to admit! LOL
We should make an “adult swim” cartoon out of our lives and get some money back……….. 🙂
Eralyn,
In Belgium almost 1 in 2 children are born ‘out of wedlock’. Equally almost as many people prefer a civil living together (union) contract as there are marrying and it’s expected the marriage numbers will decline further. And certainly a lot of people live together without the contract. Meanwhile a third of the adult population is single… That means only a third of the adult population are married (not all have children). I personally also know plenty of women (can’t even count them on my two hands anymore) of my own age (or about) who are single and choice to become a mother irregardless
I can’t answer for the US, but at least in my country in Europe marriage is neither the desired or socially required living arrangement anymore to have children. Especially the last two decades social perceptions have altered a real lot.
CQueen,, that is the ONLY REASON HE WANTS TO SEE THE BABY. THE ONLY REASON.
I agree with the advice you have received above…doctor’s visits every time hhe has a fever…or ER if no doc’s office is open…document document document, and BTW my guess is that a “mutually agreeable date” does NOT mean she can DICTATE and I would stand my ground on that. MUTUALLY AGREEABLE does not mean that she gets to be the dictator.