Victims have a certain way of walking, and psychopaths can spot it. That’s the conclusion two bloggers for Psychology Today reached, based on a scientific study released last year.
The study, Psychopathic traits and perceptions of victim vulnerability, was authored by Sarah Wheeler, Angela Book and Kimberly Costello of Brock University. The abstract states:
The purpose of this study was to determine whether individuals scoring higher on psychopathic traits would be better able to judge vulnerability to victimization after viewing short clips of targets walking. Participants provided a vulnerability estimate for each target and completed the Self-Report Psychopathy Scale: Version III (SRP-III). Higher SRP-III scores were associated with greater accuracy in assessing targets’ vulnerability to victimization.
Psychology Today blogger Marisa Mauro, Psy.D., explained the study further. A group of male university students were asked to watch video clips of 12 people walking. The videos were shot from behind, and the students were asked to rate the ease at which each could be mugged. Several of the individuals had, in fact, been victimized. The students who scored high in psychopathic traits were better at picking out the people who had already been mugged.
Mauro works as a prison psychologist. Based on her experience and this study, she wrote:
Certain personal characteristics are associated with tendency to be on the receiving end of bullying such as harassment and manipulation. I have found that the demonstration of confidence through body language, speech and affective expression, for example, provides some protection.
Wallflowers
Another Psychology Today blogger, Jeff Wise, also commented on the study and what it says about victims. Wise wrote that he recently came across a guy who seemed to have the traits of a psychopath. The man was charming, good-looking, athletic, financially successful—and he left a trail of destruction in his wake. His victims sounded like wallflowers. Wise wrote:
The women who wound up on the receiving end of his attentions were individuals who, in their own description, were not very worldly, experienced, or outgoing. They were psychologically vulnerable and hence ill-equipped to either resist this fellow’s predations or to deal with them emotionally after they had occurred.
Wise concluded that, “people who are on the receiving end of crime often do mark themselves out, if only subliminally.” Mauro suggested that people can decrease perceived vulnerability by projecting dominance—more eye contact, less movement of the hands and feet.
If only it were that easy.
Traits of targeted women
The research both bloggers quoted described a particular situation—people walking down the street, and how vulnerable they might be to being mugged. It should not be generalized to describe all victims of psychopaths. After all, how many of us were involved with muggers?
Consider the research by Dr. Liane Leedom on women who were targeted by psychopaths. She found that they have three traits in common:
- Extraverts. The women are outgoing, competitive, strong-willed and liked excitement. Sometimes they are free-spirited.
- Cooperative. They are high in empathy, tolerance and compassion. They value getting along with others, and are willing to compromise their own interests for the larger picture.
- Invested in relationships. They like being around people. They are sentimental and focus on special moments.
Dr. Leedom’s research relates to women. But I’ve heard from many Lovefraud readers, both men and women, who were successful, take-charge individuals—until they met the psychopath.
Personally, I don’t think anyone who watched me walk down the street would tag me as timid or vulnerable. I’m an athlete, and my stride is confident. But I was victimized by a psychopath, who took $227,000 from me, and cheated on me incessantly. And the guy started setting his hooks via e-mail, before he ever saw me walk.
Maybe projecting dominance would work to avoid muggers. But it’s not going to stop victimization by a card-carrying psychopath intent on finding a resourceful new supply.
Lesson L.
You said a lot of things that i think about my 50 year old spath woman (who is also an ex professor, and i am 20 btw)…
The fact that he is a loser… a little short dude that no one in the world but you finds attractive… a man that everyone that YOU love dislikes… a person you KNOW lied to you…
Its all me too.
I continued to believe that my spath was this amazingly attractive older woman who was exciting, fun, loving, caring, supportive… etc..
BUT THE TRUTH IS: I was/am blinded by her, just like you are with your spath. Its natural, or not… its something our spaths want us to feel. Its hard not to be so attracted to them… they are F**king charming, amazing, perfect.. blah blah blah. But I’ve realized that it IS infact an ILLUSION.
My ex boyfriend (the one i dumped for her, and the one thats helping me out in this situation now) says when you KNOW someone is telling you the truth or not hiding anything from you… you automatically know. The fact that you have to question their intentions is a BIG red flag. I’m sure there are people in your life that you LOVE and that LOVE you (real love) that you never have to question… with my spath, i always wondered… did she love me? Am i good enough?
OFCOURSE i was good enough!!!!!!!
I am a young, attractive, independent (well, so i was), paid for myself for everything, bought her real nice expensive gifts (as she did for me) that i couldnt really afford… OFCOURSE she wanted me. Why wouldnt she? She was getting EVERYTHING out of me!! A pet.. a follower.. a person that looked upto her…
While all i got was misery.
Its hard overcoming that… but i hope for both of us (and many others who are VICTIMS like us) that we cross the hill and finally see the light like people here on LF (Donna, Ox.. etc).
I stopped beleiving in god too when i was with her. IDK why i did but i did. Not that i completely stopped… but i lost my connection with god (maybe cuz my spath was an atheist) and i wanted to be like her?
i dont know.
And lastly, about feeling like YOUR crazy…
Just like i stopped beleiving in god (the most important belief in my life) BECAUSE of my spath, YOU CAN ALSO FEEL CRAZY BECAUSE OF THEM.
THEY ARE CRAZY, Mentally ill… so its very normal to feel that something is wrong with you, when in reality its THEM.
Anyways, ill go back to work.. and check back LF in a few.
Also,
I was watching the Millionaire Matchmaker yesterday and there was a 47 year old man (gay man) who was only interested in guy 25-33.. When Patti (the host) asked why… he basically said for a good F**K and to CONTROL.
It made me sick to my stomach.
That was my spath and me.
Maybe she did love me in a sick way… maybe not.
If she did, she shouldnt have lied. Love does not lie. I was with my ex bf for 3 1/2 years… i could count the lies he and i told each other on one hand.
IDK why i am sharing this with you all.
LF is almost like a diary. It makes me feel good to just LET OUT HOW I FEEL here.
Dear Lesson Learned,
In my “cave” while I hid out, I read the story of King-to-be David hiding in the wilderness in a cave from King Saul who wanted to kill him.
Now, God could have stopped Saul trying to kill David but He didn’t, but He did WARN David through Jonathan that Saul was trying to kill him, so David fled his home and went to live in caves in the wilderness. WHY did God warn David but not stop Saul? I think it was because there was a LESSON FOR DAVID TO LEARN IN THOSE CAVES AND HIDING OUT. God could have stopped my Trojan Horse Psychopath from trying to kill me, but He didn’t, instead He WARNED me what was going on by my friend finding a mug shot and criminal history of the TH=P on the internt, he was a pedophile. I in turn tried to warn my egg donor who refused to listen. I actually felt like some of the old testament prophets who tried to warn the different towns that “hey you better listen up there’s trouble coming” but no one listened, So I ended up fleeing into the “wilderness” in my little RV which I even named after the name of the cave in which David hid. Just like David there was a LESSON FOR ME IN THE WILDERNESS, and It was that I realized that God is not the “god” of my egg donor, the angry old man sitting up there ready and anxious for me to suffer and zap me into hell if I am not perfect. David was NOT a “perfect” man, he was a sinful, human, and perfectly normal man…but he was said to be a “man after God’s own heart.” WHY? because even when he did do things that were bad, he was able to truly repent and accept responsibility for what he had done and change his heart. We’ve all made mistakes, we’ve all done things that we knew were wrong, and did them anyway, but just like David, if we repent, if we truly have a conscience, we can change our ways. We can live a better life. Make better decisions. Be better people.
I’m like EB, I could be evil and do evil things, but I would not be happy with WHO and WHAT I was if I did so. Those of you with kids may remember your kids saying “but mom, everyone else is doing it” and your answer was “Yea, but it still doesn’t make it right.”
Ox,
When you share biblically with me, it lifts my spirit and increases, ever so slowly, my connection to God. I ponder it a lot. Especially now. I think God has forgiven me, although I keep asking over and over, pleading with him for grace and mercy….I don’t deserve any of those things, but I continue to plead and ya know what? Somewhere in my heart, I know God is protecting me…warning me…speaking to my heart. Forgave me a long time ago…it’s ME that doesn’t feel deserving. I KNEW what I was doing, but because I wanted to believe Spath so bad, saw him as God-like (went to church every Sunday, has a bachelors in theology and a Minister’s license), knows the bible, back to front….he knew more than I did. He PLAYED on that knowledge. But there were many, MANY Times that I saw where his faith was not exercised, but used as a cover. That is REALLY hard to wrap my brain around now. Not even GOD is unused in the evil that Spath does and creates….and that is very sad. Whenever I confronted him on our relationship that I KNEW was wrong, he would just shrug it away. He NEVER responded about any guilt, remorse or anything else. He also would NOT discuss theology or all this “knowledge” in my presence, when I wanted too many many times. All of this “knowledge” was superficial. ONe of the biggest Red Flags I got from this man is that he could RARELY carry on a conversation about politics, religion or ANYTHING for that matter, in depth, other than football, but he had to one up me on that too.
Ox, if I could somehow find God’s love again for me, really believe,without beating the crap out of myself, I would be so much better off. I’ve thought about returning to church, but because churches are SO FULL of N/S/P’s I feel too weakened by my experience to not feel absolute terror that I would be victimized again. It’s better for me to stay away until I can build my faith again. Be strong again. This is how I have to survive for right now.
I love your perspective. Particularly how your trailer was metaphorically named after the cave in which David hid. I find so much comfort in your sharing. It helps make sense of a life filled with these people, at least spiritually.
Lost, you’re right. I have to share that I KNEW somewhere in my heart, toward the end, there were things that REALLY bothered me about my Spath. ANNOYED me. Things I found so unattractive and unappealing. I ignored all of that too as I had been with him for so long. He’s not as attractive as he use to be. I’d been with him for ten years. The pic he put up of himself on his dating profile was taken about five years ago, maybe more lol! BEFORE the receding hairline and grey that has set in and BEFORE the glasses because he can no longer wear contacts. So funny when I read the profile. Short and sweet. Saying NOTHING…..nothing at all. No feeling, no emotion. “Do you like to laugh? Is your cup half full? Live laugh love, that’s how I choose to see life!” LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER!!!
Being around him was a constant experience of negativity and backbiting gossip about others and he was always the victim. ALWAYS. I knew there was something more than wrong, things that so annoyed me. It got to the point where it was repulsive to be around him. His alcoholism is horrible and had increased greatly in the last year. I began to back off, to which his response was to increase the love bombing, all the while love bombing other women. By love bombing me, it wasn’t like the love bombing he was doing to another woman, in the idealization phase, but texting, calling constantly to be with him. I KNEW he was preparing for discard. And I was afraid of him because while he was doing all of that, his contempt and hatred had way increased. He had pulled a gun out of a dresser drawer one night after intimacy and laid it on the bed, with the barrel towards me. I was terrified. I went home, went back one more time, had sex with him, and his son walked in the door from school shortly thereafter. I had to hide in the back of his house from his son. His son discovered me there, and as he had walked back, knowing his father was lying, spath kept trying to divert him. ONce son saw me, he went back towards Spath….”dad, you lied to me”…..but the way he said it, was enough for me…like his son had experienced many lies before…I knew. All doubt was removed. It was gone for me. It was shortly thereafter that all the lies were coming up and all the stuff that I was feeling in my gutt the last year, was the truth. Even though I was moving away from him, there was this anxiety about it. Maybe perhaps more fear of the future without this bad habit of mine. I’ve made enormous strides this year in extricating myself from this man. Just had not done it completely yet. I see a lot of things that played and play into that, the fear of letting go.
Now I see pictures of him, Lost, and I honestly wonder what I was so attracted too. I really do.
I think it’s great that you’re sharing your story. It helps me A LOT! I hope you find your peace too here. This is a great site. Unbelievable. It’s the first place I’ve gone where I feel completely understood and that where I’m at right now, is okay, it also is helping me make sense of what happened, not why just yet, but some of the why’s. The more I read here, the more learn. It’s VERY comforting and I’m seeing that it also helps me stay strong in my NC. Today is a week for me. I hate that he has new victims, but in a way, it’s a relief because he will leave me alone. And for that I’m soooooooooooooo grateful!
Lesson learned….well done, one week, you are on the long, slow road to recovery.
‘now I see pictures of him’ …..once the mask slips we can see them for what they really are.
Keep the faith.
Good luck.
Candy,
Thanks. It is truly different once we “get it” isn’t it?
I have been NC before, going four months this time last year, several weeks on and off this year. My resolve is much better now,particularly since finding this site. I see a lot clearer now. A lot
Thanks again!
Lesson learned…..yep, that AHA moment. As the fog lifts our view of what’s happened gets clearer.
This site is sooooooooooo good. Stay no contact if you possibly can, it’s the ONLY way.
Candy. I’m absolutely no contact. There is no reason to be, THANK GOD!!!! GOD’S GRACE!!
Lesson learned,
I hope i can help myself too, because giving someone advice is so easy… but applying it to yourself is the hardest part.
Ofcourse only you know why you are still so connected to the spath… no one else really understands.
Its very easy to tell someone “GO NO CONTACT! JUST FORGET HIM/HER! WHY BE WITH SOMEONE IF THEY MAKE YOU MISERABLE?”
For me… i keep thinking about the good times.. they were far more than the bad. And each time i think good about my spath… it just bring me back to tears and heartace because i feel guilty and like i betrayed someone who genunily cared about me.
After watching the show last night… i thought to myself.. was i really just a sex object for someone?
You know what is really, really crazy? I told my spath that I LIKE IT WHEN YOU CONTROL ME. i like being controlled by you.
And she never, ever acted like she controlled me. She never told me what to do.. EVER.
BUT I WAS TOTALLY UNDER HER SPELL.
TOTALLY. It is so bizarre.
I also wanted to ask you all a question which is been bothering me for months now.
My spath told ALL her friends about me. All her friends knew about me and liked me and wanted to meet me… (her friends are all over 30, so clearly no one my age, obviously).
During one of our conflicts, where i asked her to go through her sent emails that she sent to her ex (WHICH SHE WAS VERY NERVOUS/ANXIOUS about)… i came across an email that she sent to her friend. This email i was not suppose to see and would have never seen it..
The email said:
“Wish me luck, Lostnconfused (my name) is coming over to talk today. I hope everything goes well… Lostnconfused is something special”.
Like i said, i was not suppose to see that email… as you all know all her emails were kept very private… but i saw this one. If i hadnt forced her to show me her email… i wouldve never seen this one, BUT since i DID force her… i saw an email that was very private between her and her friend.
How do u explain that? WAS i something special? If i wasnt, why would she write that to her friend about me? Its not like i woulve seen it otherwise… and i also know that she said many amazing tthings about me to her friends.
Please help me out with this confusion. If i can sort this question out… thing would be so clear in my head.
Sorry if my writing is confusing..
But ill give u a quick rundown again.
I saw an email that was a private conversation between my spath and her best friend, which said “wish me luck… (read above).
If i meant nothing to her, why would she tell her friend i was special and why would she be so concerned?
And THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION THAT I HHAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF.
THANKS in advance, LF!
Lostnconfused. We are all taking the post spath journey and we are all at different points along the road.
Try to remember why you came to this site in the first place. As we separate from our spath life it’s tempting to look for those little (and they were few and far between) snippets of ‘good’ in them.
How about compiling two lists, one for the good things and one for the bad things she did/made you feel (whatever you feel is appropriate). Let us know the general outcome….