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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Complaint against the magistrate

Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader who writes as “Aussiegirl” will be in court on December 6, 2010, seeking an extension of the Violence Restraining Order that she has against her ex-husband. She was already in court On October 18, 2010, because her ex had violated the existing order. The magistrate didn’t take Aussiegirl seriously, and she’s lodged the following complaint against him. Aussiegirl asks for your moral support during her next court date.

I write in relation to the conduct of a Magistrate who tried my ex-husband for a breach to a Violence Restraining Order (VRO) at the **** Courthouse on Monday 18th October this year. My complaint is not about the judicial decision reached ”¦.The concerns I have are in relation to the general conduct of the trial by Magistrate *****, his rude treatment of me (as a police witness and as a repeat victim of the accused) ”¦. the fact that Magistrate ***** all but apologised to the accused for having to convict him “on a point of law” – and the dismissive and demeaning way that he spoke publicly about my Victim Impact Statement (VIS).

My name is *** and I am 44 years old. I lived with the accused (B*********), between 2000 — 2007. The marriage ended in 2007 and I divorced him in 2009.

At different times throughout the relationship, I held fears for the mental state of the accused. I initially put his aggressive outbursts and disturbing behaviours down to depression, but by the time we parted company, both his doctors and I were of the opinion that something far more serious was amiss. He had become increasingly more violent and was continually clashing with members of ”¦. the public.  In 2006, five applications to take out restraining orders against him were made by community members of the small town we lived in. He had been referred ”¦. to a psychologist for counselling and assessment after his behaviour became more erratic than usual and after several alarming public episodes of mania. That treatment had failed (he refused to participate in any meaningful way) and in ”¦early 2007, various diagnoses — including Bipolar Disorder and several Personality Disorders — were being investigated.

In August 2007, four police officers forcibly removed the accused from the family home when he became uncontrollably enraged”¦..stating that he was going to “go through the house and smash everything”. He left the house screaming abuse and swearing in front of his then thirteen-year-old son. The police issued a Police Order which he began to breach almost immediately by sending a stream of offensive text messages to me that continued throughout that evening and until after 2:00am the following day. He had previously been issued with another Police Order several months prior to this, when the police had needed to be called after he had become violent toward me and had made threats to my safety. ”¦..It was necessary at that time for me to take out a VRO against the accused. Within one week of its issue, he had twice breached the order by coming back to the house.

By September 2007, the accused was exhibiting increasing paranoia, stating that his telephone was “tapped” and that people were following him. He was referred ”¦to a psychiatrist ”¦. Around that time, he made accusations against several police officers, stating that they were “colluding” with me ”¦.“setting him up”. His complaints to officials were found to have no substance. He continued to insist that the police were “watching him” and that they had “tapped his telephones”.

Many of these facts were given in evidence at a September 2008 hearing into breaches of the VRO by the accused…..(he) openly admitted ”¦. to having sent all of the text messages referred to in my evidence, including those where he had clearly been delusional while writing/sending them.”¦ found guilty of ”¦.. emotionally abusive, offensive and threatening text messages ”¦.

The VRO has been in force ever since being taken out in August 2007.

During 2008, 2009 and 2010, there have again been instances where the accused has breached the VRO. The police have not laid charges over any of these, as I have been unable to provide them with sufficient evidence ”¦.unless they are reasonably sure they will get a conviction, they will not even charge him. ”¦I have seen him in his vehicle in my street, outside of my house, outside of where I work and where I have been shopping. As he lives almost forty kilometres away ”¦. my hometown ”¦. is out of his way — he has to have come here on purpose”¦.. he lies, saying that he wasn’t here. He has come to my home. ”¦”¦ repeatedly attempted to contact me through mutual acquaintances….. infiltrated my church group, announced his intentions to attend ”¦.at the same facility I was attending”¦.refused to move on when requested to do so by church elders ”¦..As a result of this, I was forced to discontinue attending my church services two years ago and have not been able to return ”¦ I consequently lost an entire ”¦. support network at a very distressing period in my life.

Although once we had separated, our agreement (was) that I would stay living in our house, I was unable to do so because he kept coming to the house and letting himself in”¦ (even after) the VRO was taken out”¦.he would ”¦.. park his car ”¦. opposite the house and send me text messages from there. In the end, I fled the house and started a new life for myself in a different town ”¦.somewhere that he had no business being. But still he came.

The breach of December 2009 which was being tried on 18 October, was the first solid evidence that the police were able to charge him with — after two years of elusive behaviour on his part that could not be pinned down. He came to my home while I was at work and loaded my verandah up ”¦.. I arrived home at 10.30pm ”¦. could not access my front door ”¦. I was terrified when I realised that the stuff was from him”¦ worried that he was hiding somewhere, to watch my reaction — or worse. ”¦None of the things he dumped at my house belonged to me; most of it had never been mine, nor had I ever expressed any desire to acquire or retain it ”¦.. I had not initiated any contact with him for two years”¦.. Some of the items were just plain abnormal and disturbing.

He had dug up the plants that were growing over the graves of my deceased pets at the ****** house….I paid for and planted every single plant in (that) garden”¦yet he chose to dig up just those ”¦. significant – plants. He had pulled out the picture hooks from the walls ”¦. where my pictures had used to hang and placed them in a plastic bag — used, damaged beyond re-use and with the plaster from the walls of that house still stuck to them. He dumped a rocking chair and a cabinet ”¦ (both had been ”¦. gifts to him) — yet he kept the refrigerator and the clothes dryer that I had owned before he ever moved in with me. He left me a tie of his which he had worn on our first date ”¦.. he had owned it before we met”¦.. He removed the ice-cube trays that I had once owned from the refrigerator and dumped them, yet kept the refrigerator which had also been my property…. I was not allowed by Magistrate ***** to give all of my evidence, but was cut off by him after having identified from photographs handed to me by the police prosecutor only three items out of a possible twenty-six items (or groups of items). Had I been permitted to speak about all of the items”¦.explain their significance ”¦ it would have been clear ”¦  that the accused was not simply “returning things”, as he claimed in his defence.

”¦.  (He) was in no doubt that ”¦. I did not ever want to see or hear from him for the rest of my life”¦.he could hardly have reasoned away the items he left for me. He did not “return all of the gifts I had ever given him”, but picked and chose which ones. He did not “return all of the furniture that we had jointly owned”, but again, picked and chose. He did not “return items I had owned before he met me”, but picked and chose. ”¦.Had Magistrate ***** been ”¦. prepared to listen to my side as he was to listen to the accused’s excuses and “reasons”, he could not have helped but see that there was a malicious motivation behind the dumping of the items on my front porch”¦.

As for my VIS, I had not prior to arriving at the court that morning, been aware that I was able to give one. I had been concerned that if a Magistrate presided that day who had no knowledge of the history behind the case, then the complaint could be made to appear”¦.in the capably manipulative hands of the accused”¦. somewhat trivial in nature. The police had told me ”¦. the only way that any relevant history could come out was if the Magistrate allowed it while I was giving my evidence.  When I arrived at the court, I was met by ”¦ an Advocate”¦ and a Counsellor from the Victim Support Service. I was not expecting to be assisted by anyone, so I felt reassured by their presence.

I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ”¦.the thought of seeing or hearing the accused makes me physically ill; I shake and sweat; at times I vomit and/or pass out; and I hyperventilate. It takes every bit of strength I have to face him in court, but I know that I can’t allow him to keep breaching the VRO ”¦. otherwise his harassment of me will never stop and he will never leave me alone. My only hope is that the justice system will eventually catch up with him and punish him sufficiently to convince him to stop.

When the ”¦. Counsellor asked about my Victim Impact Statement (VIS), I told her I did not have one ”¦. She said that she would type one up for me right away. She asked a series of questions which I answered and she then recorded as my VIS. A copy was given to the Magistrate. Although recounting the effect that the past three year’s of being harassed and stalked by the accused has had on my life was deeply distressing to me, I was also relieved that at least the Magistrate would now get to see that the case was not as obvious, trivial or straight-forward as I knew the accused would attempt to portray it. I went into court ”¦. relieved that the accused might not get away with his game-playing.

”¦. I was surprised that the accused was permitted to question me at all, given the guidelines contained in the ”¦. Judicial Officers’ Bench book “Equality before the law” and the provisions of The Evidence Act ”¦ In the past, I have been allowed to give evidence via a video-link from another courthouse”¦.. I would have expected some consideration to have been given to my state on the day of the trial. It was my own decision to attend in person rather than request another video-link”¦. I believed that I needed to face the accused in order to fully recover from my entrenched fear of him, but the manner in which Magistrate ***** entertained the accused, by allowing him to grandstand, interrupt and assassinate my character proved too much ”¦.

The first blow was not being permitted to complete my evidence”¦..

Magistrate *****’s tolerance of the accused’s inappropriate behaviour and the fact that he appeared in many instances to be agreeing with ”¦.and adding more and more weight to his evidence as the hearing went on, became too much for me and I began to weep in the back of the courtroom. When Magistrate ***** announced that he had no choice but to convict the accused on a point of law, he couched his statements in terms that bordered on apologising to the accused.  The final straw was when Magistrate ***** began to read my VIS, which I had been encouraged by the (court) Counsellor to supply to him. As he began to read it (his) facial expression noticeably altered to convey surprise and disbelief. He raised his eyebrows and shook his head, ”¦. then proceeded to comment publicly on the apparently extraordinary nature of my statement, stating that it was the “kind of statement (he) would expect to read from someone who has had a very serious crime committed against them, not someone who has only had a pile of furniture delivered to her home”¦” that he was not going to read or consider my VIS, because it bore no relevance to the matter at hand. ”¦ the accused was permitted ”¦. to state publicly, triumphantly and very loudly to the courtroom, “That’s what I keep saying — she’s a drama queen!” ”¦. I was publicly humiliated, and felt that I had been offered no protection at all by the law, despite the fact that the accused was found guilty. The Magistrate was incredibly rude and insensitive to my situation, dismissive of my fear of the accused ”¦. I felt violated all over again”¦.His demeanour from beginning to end gave the impression that he was cheering on the accused”¦. against the “bad police” and the “bad ex-wife”.

In conclusion, I want you to know that I came home from court that day in a state of shock and have suffered periodically from panic attacks ever since.

These panic attacks were a symptom of my PTSD that I had thought I had overcome”¦. prior to (that) court hearing. I have not experienced anything like it in the recent, numerous dealings between the accused and I ”¦.in the Family Court”¦. I hold concerns that if a severely depressed person”¦..or someone fearful for their safety who did not have the abundance of support that I had on that day,  were to encounter the level of rudeness, partiality and insensitivity that I did from Magistrate *****, there could well be tragic consequences ”¦.

The accused is a man who allegedly broke the jaw of the wife previous to me, by punching her in the face during one of many domestic abuses that to this day she is afraid to go to police about”¦. who ”¦.in 2004, slammed his car door on me and dragged me bodily along the ground behind his vehicle ”¦ as he drove off ”¦.. It took me until 2007 to have the courage to call on the police for help”¦.He is a man who has threatened ”¦. the lives of both his previous ex-wife and me. That he has never been convicted for any of those crimes remains our own responsibility; and we deeply regret being held back by fear ”¦. and not reporting him to police when we should have done. That I have just succeeded in having him convicted for something that appears — on the surface — to be relatively innocuous — is a cause for hope for us both”¦.We both firmly believe that he would kill us if he had the chance”¦.He continues to harass us both; she hasn’t been married to him for the past ten years, but ”¦. he still pays out on her. I haven’t been with him for three years”¦. no reason to ever have contact ”¦.but ”¦. he is still paying out on me.

The reaction of the police when we all walked out of the court room that day? ”¦.. “We have to see this as a win L****. We are one step closer to having him dealt with properly.” I replied, “And when will that be? When you find my body, or when you are sifting through what’s left of my house after he burns it down?” These are my genuine fears.

Although the trial resulted in a conviction, we are due back in the same court on 6 December, where my application to extend the VRO will be heard. ”¦.My greatest fear now is that Magistrate ***** will ”¦. preside over the VRO application hearing, in which case I do not believe that I will be granted either the VRO ”¦.or the justice I deserve as a victim of ”¦. long-term and ongoing abuses. I am appealing to your office in the hope that I will receive a fair hearing — something I do not believe that I had on 18 October.

I am writing this primarily because of my own outrage, but also in the hope that my complaint might prevent some other innocent person from having to suffer the same treatment by this Magistrate”¦..I have the utmost regard for the law and for the struggles faced by our judicial system and its officers. I appreciate that the Police, as well Magistrates and Courts are more often than not, overloaded and under-resourced. I would not under any circumstances bring a petty matter to the attention of either the Police or the Courts. I have worked hard in honest occupations and have been a law-abiding citizen my whole life; all I ask in return is for proper treatment, due justice and appropriate protection when I require it.


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47 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Complaint against the magistrate"

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Dear Aussiegirl,

WOW! Well written and I hope you do get some “justice” but unfortunately I do not have a lot of confidence in the sitting “judges” by whatever names they are called in OZ or in any other country. Too many times I think they are so narcissistic and power and control freaks that they do not listen to any evidence.

I can definitely relate to the being stalked and in fear of your life, and dont’ depend on the courts or police to protect me.

In my country, I carry a gun because a cop is just TOO HEAVY! and “when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.” It sounds like your psychopathic X has dual or triple diagnosis which makes him even more dangerous, rather than less. God bless you, Aussiegirl. From your very reasonable and rational posts, I know that you are getting your head together and I am glad for you, but as you’ve advised others, put your SAFETY FIRST! You have my prayers and support! Go gett’em girl! Shed some light on this judge’s stupidity. Maybe you can at least get another judge. Good luck!

Dear Oxy, just back from court. Very flat and in shock. Hands shaking as I type. Tears dripping.

My VRO application has been dismissed.

Apparently, I was “too good” this time.

Last time, I broke down and shook and wept with stress and was unable to properly give my evidence so he was able to bully me and con the magistrate. I got the conviction but walked out a gibbering mess and stayed that way for days.

This time, I had 4 weeks to practice what to say, to take the advice of my doctor, my counsellor and all of you guys here – to stay strong and face him down in court and kick his butt and give as good as I got so that he knew he could not bully me this time. I did exactly that and I took a valium for good measure, to keep the physical panic symptoms under control so that I could speak my piece with strength and without crumbling.

The Advocate lady says I was very strong and made my case well. Guess what? It back-fired. My best friend who was with me says my performance was great and I did not falter – so why do I feel like a loser and a freak?

I had a great magistrate for whom I formerly had nothing but respect. Unfortunately, I went in so strong and unflinching, that the Magistrate decided that I showed no signs of being intimidated by or frightened of the spath. So – the bit of paper that has helped to keep me sane for 3 years just disappeared in a puff of smoke and the spath walked out strutting.

I feel like my chest is caving in. I can’t breathe properly and I can’t think straight. I’m going to put myself to bed with another sedative because I’m beyond facing the consequences of what this might mean for me now.

Can’t work out which is more important at this time – the protection another VRO would have offered me or the fact that I faced the spath down…….can’t get past the fact that the system I have trusted for so long has just dealt me a body-blow.

I am not the bad guy here. So terribly sad now.

Aussie girl, Just gone online and read your post. Im SO SO Sorry.
God. Fancy this backfiring on you like this! You cant bloody win!
I wish I was with you to give you a huge hug, make youa cup of tea or mix you a strong drink, and run you a bath with bubbles.
Are you able to appeal against this decision and take it to the High court of appeal? If so, Id do that.
Same thing happened ,,if you remember, to Lindy Chamberlain, do you remember? She seemed so calm and collected, but in reality she was numb with shock. Everyone “read ‘ her all wrong.
Things will look better in the morning, Im sure.
Much Love, and Hugs,
GemXX

Dear Aussiegirl,

I agree with Donna, these judges are idiots. So if you are a shaking leaf you are “scared” and get a protection order, but if you appear sane and stronger you must take care of yourself.

I thought the protection order was about HIS BEHAVIOR, not about your response. ((((Hugs))))

I know you are not allowed a weapon per se in your country, but there are things you can use for defense….a can of lye oven cleaner is a good one, or a can of wasp insecticide spray that shoots a STREAM of stuff 10-20 feet is another one—do what you have to do to protect yourself! Get a big dog, get a roommate, take care of YOURSELF! (((hugs))) and my prayers for your safety!

Aussiegirl,

Appalled, disgusted, outraged – but not surprised. Anyone who has had ANY dealings with the legal system (in any country) is never shocked.

I am so sorry you must go through this, please be careful, I think OXY has given you some good ideas to help keep you safe.

MiLo

Aussie,
He will mess with you again and you will get video this time. Evidence is key. Then you can go back and get a new Order.

What was done, if anything, against the judge that disrespected you, Aussie girl? Sky may be right, see if you can get some evidence. Video cameras that are easily hidden are cheap and available here and might be worth your trouble to put up video security cameras, they even take photos in the dark now. (((hugs)))

I sent a partial copy of my letter of complaint to Donna to post here, in answer to the following comments last week from soimnotthecrazee1 and skylar:

“You are going through way too much for this spath idiot. Get your confidence built up for Monday! One up the idiot! …Make him squirm like a fly under your flyswatter!!! You have the “upper hand” now! Prove it to him with confidence!”
and
“Aussie, I can’t understand how someone like you can have their confidence undermined.???? You are soooo together. You know soooo much. WTF is happening?”
(Thursday, 2 December 2010)

What happened with that Magistrate on October 18 was why I lost my confidence – I posted this to demonstrate how quickly we can crash when the support systems that should be in place, are not. I have come this far in part due to the wonderful support of my local police officers and the fact that – until recently – the court system had upheld my evidence and the opinions of the cops who have been involved these past 3 years.

I guess I placed too much of my faith in the judicial system and in the piece of paper that I didn’t walk away with yesterday.

Yes, Gem, I can appeal the decision. I’m just not sure that I am up to it anymore. The thing is, he can now drive past my house or even knock on my door and without that piece of paper (the VRO) it is no longer a crime for him to do so. He can telephone, email, text me or write to me and the police can now do nothing about it. It was only a criminal act while the VRO was current.

What gave me the confidence to live a more normal life was the fact that I knew that if he came near me or tried anything, the cops would be all over him.

Now, I have nothing.

Oxy – my complaint has been referred to the idiot in question for his response to my allegations. In addition to my letter, I also attached several pages of quotations from their judicial code of ethics, which specifically dealt with VROs and women having to face their abusers in court. I’m waiting on his reply but at least he was not in charge of yesterday’s show.

Also – I have 2 big loud dogs which I got for this very purpose. One was in the front yard the day he dumped everything on my porch. The dog – who friends and neighbours wont even take a chance on when I’m not at home – let him in; I can only conclude (but cannot prove) from that, that the dog knew him – that he must have been coming here and grooming the dog to know and accept him while I was at work last year. I also have a roommate now. I have deadbolts and alarms on every door and 3 padlocked gates to stop entry to the property. I have motion detector security lights that flood my entire front yard at night. I have the local cops on stand-by. I have no money for cameras right now, but will install them when I do.

The thing that gutted me the worst, was to hear the magistrate say that he believed that I was not afraid of the spath, that it seemed to him I was using the VRO as a vendetta (how is THAT? – the last court appearance for a breach prior to the 18 October one was over 2 years ago??????!!!) and that he could not be sure that if he issued another VRO, I would not “use it as a sword rather than a shield”…

Anyhow – thanks to all for your comments, but I’m still wandering around in a state of shock today. Numb and teary and shaky. It just took me an hour to type this little bit because my fingers and my brain feel like they belong to 2 (or maybe 3) different bodies…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

aussiegirl,
do you have any rescue remedy? it will help you move out of shock if you take a few drops a few times a day. i can go from okay to blithering pretty fast too. the only thing that keeps me a bit on an even keel is no contact. if i had to deal with the lying sack of crap in court, and have these experiences i would be as you are now. no doubt about that.

i try not to swear too much here, but let me just say about this statement: use it as a sword rather than a shield—FUCKING IDIOT! How could you possibly??? This is about THE dumbest thing i have ever heard. A VRO is a defensive, not an offensive order. shakes head.

you do have to appeal it. i know you want to lay down, but when you get over the shock, appeal it. you need this for your safety. I wish EB was around. I know you are not in the USA, but she has a depth of knowledge about judicial systems that might be of some use.

regardless of not having a VRO, coming to ones door, when someone has been warned to stay away is still trespassing, isn’t it? you tell someone to leave and they come back, that’s harassment, right?

take it easy and get your legs back under you. you have been here a very short while, and we like you very much (i’ll take the liberty of speaking for the posters who have interacted with you ;)); you are a wonderful voice here.

take care,
one step

Dear Aussiegirl,

I DO understand how you can go from strong and confident to “weak as water” in the flash of a second! They can trigger you and you can get the shock of the stress and it unhinges you.

It sounds like you have covered most of the bases, now get you some oven cleaner or wasp spray, a can for each entrance of your house, one for inside your car, one beside your bed, etc. Can’t keep those ovens too clean or take any chance on the wasps stinging you! LOL (seriously!) I lived in a dangerous city in the US once where car jacking a neighborhood sport and the laws wouldn’t allow a gun, so I thought and thought about what I could buy that was CHEAP, LEGAL, and DAMN NEAR LETHAL and I came up with the oven cleaner. By the time I left there every nurse in the hospital where I worked had a can of Easy-Off Oven cleaner in the passenger seat of her car with the big outside cap off, ready to grab and spray!

“OH, yer honur, I am soooooo sorry I sprayed that caustic stuff in the poor kid’s eyes, and he will now be blind forever, I was just so skeered when he threw the brick through my car windo and and grabbed me by the hair, it must have fallen out of my grocery sack, I just grabbed the first thing at hand…oh,,,, I was sooo skeered!”

I don’t know if you read Erin Brock’s article about Her “adamant” but if you haven’t go back through the archives and read it it is recent and “get your adamant on!” You can do it Aussiegirl, I know you can! You are as ruff and tough as this old hill-billy battle ax! So chin up chickie!!! (((hugs)))) and my prayers!

ps. I agree with One step, we love you kiddo! We need your voice here!

Aussiegirl-I am SO SO sorry about what happened in your court. It seems like your judges there are just as bad as ours-out of touch with reality. It is so appalling and infuriating that know you have to go back to living in such extreme fear, just because you stood up for yourself. You don’t get any benefit for being strong. It’s pathetic that you have to become a puddle on the floor to get any help. Do all the stuff that Oxy said to you. She knows what she’s talking about. I’m going to pray for you that you will be safe from him. Do you know how he found you when you moved? It may be a good idea to also start putting some money away in case you would have to run from him and move. ((hugs))

aussiegirl, can’t believe how stupid the magistrate is!!
I am sorry you are going through all of this. 🙁
You are going to be ok!!!
I really believe it.
If he tries anything with you now… the cops will still be after him.
You still have your support system in place,
you are NOT left with nothing,
you just don’t have the piece of paper,
sounds like you have a good possibility of getting the VRO back.
I think you still have a lot of power.

Thanks shabbychic. I hope you are right. x

I am so sorry for what you are enduring, but I can totally relate. I would love to say I am shocked for you, but I can’t. I got my PTSD from the courts also, the treatment from our inept court system was worse than what my spath did, because I trusted the courts to see through his lies and manipulations and do the right thing. My lawyer assured me that my personality would shine through, and he is so bitter and vindictive, that the magistrate would see it.

Nope. After being in front of this monster in judge’s robes almost 20 times, I have come to the conclusion she is sociopathic also. I won’t go into her decisions and how I was treated, because I will need my own blog and lots of space for that one, but do get something that shows the “Hard” evidence the courts require. A VAR, a camera, something that can prove beyond all doubt his antics. Also, if he starts harassment again (and you know he will),. be prepared, get your evidence, and then go back again and request your protective order.

You cannot give up, or give in. Because he doesn’t just want to win, he wants to destroy. They don’t stop at the win, they go for annihilation. Take a day or two to regroup, then gather your strength and fight back!

I understand the panic attacks, I have those too, I understand having to constantly watch your back, and be aware.

If possible, at some point, you may want to look into a change of scenery. The wonderful police officers I work with here DO understand what I am up against, even though the courts don’t (actually, I think the courts might understand, they just don’t care, and the magistrate I am stuck with has her own agenda.)

But the officers have also suggested that when I can, I may want to relocate, because they know he won’t stop until he is dead, and I cannot expect any help from the courts.

I couldn’t even get him on violation of my P.O. when he walked right up to me in a public place. Since nothing really happened, (except his intimidation and letting me know he wasn’t going to be stopped by a piece of paper), the judge would not even find him guilty.

I don’t know what the answers are for our judicial system, and I doubt I will be around if and when any real changes take place, so I do like Ox Drover, and got a license to carry.

Good luck, stay safe, and remember you will get through this….you just need to find your strength again, it is in there!

Dear Stillinshock.

I can’t remember the name of the article (DUH! CRS) but I wrote one here on various books about stalking and being stalked and how to hide from them if you have to literally go into hiding.

If my P son gets out, I WILL have to go into hiding because a protection order would be the same as a target on my forehead so I learned about this in advance. It is somewhat easier to hide from them than hide from the police…but the thing is NOT leaving a paper trail of utility accounts etc. I’m not sure how to go about doing it in OZ vs here, but I am sure it can be done.

Some states in the US will even help you change your name and your SS# if need be (California) to avoid a stalker. Living in an RV (caravan for all you Brits and Ozzies) is another way to keep your physical location hidden from a paper trail that is easily traced by a private investigator or stalker.

SAFETY FIRST is my motto though! Or as my ex husband used to say “Better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6”

I’ve been following this story of the young woman who had her nose cut off but her husband in Afghanastan and here is the link.

Lo and behold! They arrested her FIL who showed her nose and ears around the village as a trophy with pride after she was mutilated. Her father sent her back to the family of her husband knowing she would be “punished” but he didn’t want to start a fight with her husband’s family. LOL Now that her FIL her father who sent her back is complaining because HE HAD TO MOVE AND HIDE to escape retaliation! Good enough for him!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/08/world/asia/08afghan.html?_r=1&hp

Ox Drover,

I read the article (that you posted) about the girl, Aisha, who was mutilated, feeling zero compassion for her father. He lacks a backbone, for sure, and definitely is not someone who protects his family. Fortunately, the girl is receiving therapy and I can see why – her own father handed her back to her abusers, not helping her to escape from the brutal thugs. I feel relief for the girl (that she is in the United States getting care), but so sad about what she endured (she faced evil perpetrated against her by her “family members,” NOT). I hope that she thrives, “winning” in the end – she is an OVERCOMER.

Dear Bluejay,

I think that we in the western world should get down on our knees and thank whatever gods we pray to that we are not born and raised in such a “culture” where women are property worth less than a camel or a horse. Where a man’s “honor” is dependent on him mutilating a helpless young woman.

Indeed she is a survivor and I am glad for her that she was able to make it out alive. One story told how after she has her nose and ears cut off she crawled to an uncle’s house and he would not let her in, she finally made it to a safe house.

I had not heard about her running to her parents and her father sending her back, this article was the first I had read about her father sending her back. His WHINING about him having to hide though was enough to make me want to puke! He had NO COMPASSION on his daughter but sent her back to her abusers, KNOWING they would beat (at best) her but he did it to protect HIS “HONOR”—I don’t understand a “culture” that is that cruel, and that psychopathic and uncaring, but I know that it is there, I know that people do these things to others, and yet, it boggles my mind and makes me want to weep.

Ox Drover,

When this story aired (some time in August), I was vaguely aware of it, not knowing the details of the story. I went on vacation with my children to Georgia (to visit my sister and her family). We went to church on Sunday (brother-in-law is the minister at a SMALL country church – loved it). Anyway, I sat in on a Bible Study (there were like 6 people in attendance) – we discussed a Scripture (can’t remember which one), but an elderly parishioner brought up the story about the woman who’s husband cut off her ears and nose. I remember stating that there were evil people in the world and this “husband” was such a person, pure evil.

Dear Bluejay,

I’ve been around the world in Africa and south and central America and known people from many cultures and all walks of life, and there are some IGNORANT people out there in the world that still live in the stone age of cruelty. They are raised to think that is RIGHT and JUST and that some segments of humans don’t have “rights”—is that organized psychopathy? Some people that believe if you don’t share my religious beliefs then you deserve to die—9/11 ramming airplanes into the twin towers. Setting off a bomb on your body and blowing up yourself and others at random?

Our society says this is bad behavior, criminal behavior even, but their society says this is good behavior and will buy them a seat in “heaven.” So who is “right” and who is “wrong?”

What is good? What is bad? It partly depends on what you have been taught since you were born. It probably offends that cruel (in my opinion) man that his DIL survived, and punishing him isn’t going to make him change his mind about what is the “right” thing to do or the “wrong” thing to do. It will however get him off the street. Getting people to change their minds however, can’t be done by force. It takes teaching from childhood.

Ox Drover,

What is disturbing that in any culture (there are ignorant people everywhere), there will be people (monsters and non-monsters) who will commit the most horrible crimes (having different reasons for doing the unthinkable) against their fellow man and seemingly get away with their wickedness. That p.o.’s me. I am aware that we live what we are taught – thankfully, we live in a world that is waking up to universal human rights – it’s a matter of changing the cultures (for the better) from within. That may take forever though. As people are educated, the smart ones evolve (the stupid ones stay the same), becoming less ignorant, seeing the “light”.

Aussie,
I’m surprised that you were ever able to get police to believe you at all. Many spaths get the local cops on their side before they ever even begin a con. Perhaps he thought you’d never have the balls to call the cops at all so he skipped that step.

Once he realized that you had the cops on your side, he decided to go to a higher authority. You said he wrote to various officials. That tells me that he is going back to step 1 in Psychopath 101: FIRST BROWN NOSE THE AUTHORITIES.

So I suspect that he has found some magistrates or judges to brown nose. It may be too late for you to jump on that bandwagon, but maybe not. It’s a disgusting thing to do, but you need friends in higher places. Start networking. That’s what my exP does. NON-STOP. He’s on his cell phone 24/7.
Have lunch with cops and people who know people up the ladder. If you can find someone who sits on a bench to become your friend and eventually be outraged by your story, you might be able to even the playing field.

Concurrently, collect evidence but don’t use it until you have lots of it and have set up all your ducks in a row.

I drank lots of coffee today and am remembering all the strategies that the exP used.

Every generation starts at “ground zero” in education and morals and has to be reeducated from scratch. It only takes one generation to undo 10,000 years of progress, to send the human race back to the “caveman mentality” of the strongest rules. Democracy (and cultures) must be born anew each generation through education…and add in the disordered ones, the mean-as-a-snake ones, and there are always criminals in the best of cultures or societies. Law breakers. Fakers. Con men. Abusers. Criminals. Psychopaths. Robbers. Sneak thieves.

In a way I almost feel like those of us who have been blessed to be born into a culture and a society where slavery and rape are crimes, where sales of children for sexual abuse is not considered “business as usual” are some how guilty for having so many blessings compared to most of the world.

I’ve seen babies being carried wrapped in a piece of cloth in their parents’ arms to the city’s communal graves because they died of malnutrition in South America, and I’ve got a “photo” engraved on my brain of a small girl in Arkansas without a coat or shoes in winter. That “picture” was made when I was a child myself about 1950 on a street in my home town as I sat inside a warm car, looking out.

We can’t fix the world or the psychopaths or anything else except we can make our own little corner of this universe more caring, we can reach out to others a hand in compassion for their pain. Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” is to me one of the 2-3 most profound books in the world. Filled with both spiritual and emotional salve for the soul and minds of people who have suffered. Suffering is universal and total. Our pain is the same as someone else’s pain, it is TOTAL. It fills us like a gas expands to fill a container, totally.

We can only live our lives in a loving and compassionate way. We can take care of ourselves and then share our blessings and our caring with others.

At this time of a holiday spirit and feeling in our western society, I ask each of us to reach out to someone else who is suffering, in whatever way we are able. Whether it is a $1 dropped into a red kettle on a corner, or simply a smile and a kind word given to a young mother struggling to get her kid to quit throwing a tantrum in Wal Mart—I see the wonderful spirit of that giving here on Love Fraud with people reaching out hands of love and caring and compassion to each other. It makes the world a better place. (((hugs)))) Peace and Joy!

DearAussiegirl,

I want to start off by saying that I am SO SORRY for your experience. The things that you have been through are horrible. I know what it feels like to put all your trust in the legal system only to be disappointed and frustrated by it time and time again. I too have a sociopathic ex (never married, but we share a young child together) and know all the hell and the emotional trauma that the victims of these monsters experience as a result of their complete reckless disregard for others.

I was granted a domestic violence restraing order against my ex after my first attempt to get a restraining order against him failed (unfortunately the first time around I had no legal representation while the spath ex did and I also did not think to get legal assistance when preparing my request for a restraining…I remember being so scared, anxious, and terrified when I went down to court that I just completed the paperwork as quickly as possible so that I could at least get a temporary order that would protect my child, my loved ones, and myself from my ex’s increasingly erratic behavior the same day). In California where I am located, a permanent restraining order is good for 5 yrs, so in a few years I will also have to face going to court yet again (which I absolutely dread) to extend the restraining order. From what my attorney has told me, I will have to go back to court every 5 yrs. to reknew this order. Because my ex and I share a child together (and a young child at that) and my ex currently has monitored visitation with our child and has not been bothering to exercise this visitation for about 6 months now which is actually what’s best for our child and we do not have a date to return to court I absolutely dread the thought of going back to court because I’d like things to stay as they are…I wish that the request for extension of restraining order petition would have an option where I could just write in the word FOREVER next to the spot where you can request how long you want the restraining order to last.

It has been so nice to live peacefully with my child, and I just don’t want to get entrenched in the courts again when it comes time to request an extension for my restraining order. I guess I just don’t want to do anything that will provoke the ex to regain an interest in myself and my child and so even though I still have a few years left on my restraining order, I dread having to return to court when the time comes to request an extension because of what might result from this. I think about this every single day. I just leave everything in God’s hands and trust that he will continue to release his favor on my child and I.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I know how you feel. I know the frustration, the fear, the emotional trauma, the anguish, the pain and I also know that despite all of your pain you must do what you need to do to protect yourself despite your present setback (I strongly believe that this is a TEMPORARY setback). You have to bounce back and you must not give up. You have to keep fighting to protect yourself, because if you don’t no one else will.

There were so many times that I felt like giving up, like doing things that I can’t even mention on this website (I’m sure must of you can relate and understand where I am coming from). I remember times in which I felt so drained from the continuous trauma my ex was inflicting upon me and our child that I had become angry with God for turning his back on me. Why I wondered was God allowing evil to triumph over someone like myself and my innocent child when I am a good person and my child innocent? At some of my lowest points, I became so angry with God that I stopped reading his word. At these times I was extremely exhausted from all of the pain and frustration I was experiencing.

As time went on and I continued to feel defeated and at my weakest, I would vent and later go to the book of Psalms in my bible. Many of these chapters spoke to what I was experiencing exactly (I was literally dealing with the “devil”, “a worker of iniquity”, “the enemy”–I saw evil in the eyes of my ex and actually felt the evil dripping off of him) and I knew that God was with me even though I felt like even He had turned his back on me. After reading this, I remember feeling a renewed strength within me. My bishop (although he didn’t know it since I attend a mega church) also helped me tremendously through these periods as he would remind the congregation frequently that the enemy is always on the attack and it is at times when they attack that we must trust and believe in God the most and praise him for the blessings seen and unseen. He would often go on to say that it is a strategy of the enemy to distract you with all of the pain that they bring and silence your praise, turn you away from God’s word, and God himself. I remember him saying that the enemy wants us to turn away from God and his word in times of trouble because the enemy knows that it is God that sustains us during times of adversity.

For me, I know that everything my bishop said turned out to be true. When “the enemy” who came in the form of my ex distracted me with all of his painful schemes and games, I was so lost in my own sorrow that I could not refocus my attention on God because this was truly too much for me to handle on my own. I am only human and there is only so much I can handle on my own. At times I felt like I was a hair away from going insane or doing something else I would live to regret. I was spiritually weak and was so far down that I did not bother to look up and refocus my attention on God so that he could replenish me with the strength that I would need to tackle this evil head on and beat it.

The change in my circumstances did not happen as quickly as I had hoped for, but the change did eventually come. I remember the pain that I was in this time last year when my ex was continuing on in his distructive ways and had regular access to our child and no one except for my loved ones seemed to care or notice (although even they could not comprehend the full extent of what I was going through because they had not been through the fires of hell themselves); I look at where I am this year and I give praise to GOD for this. For everything. For the many things I took for granted (such as peace of mind) that I enjoyed before I met my ex. I never knew that people could live in such torment. I thank GOD for the little things and the big things. Before I went through my experience, I never thought twice about what a blessing it was to be a normal person. A person who had peace of mind, a person who was blessed with a conscience that operates as my moral compass that guides my actions daily. Each day now, I thank GOD for things such as this.

It is my goal that my story or testimony as it is called in my faith will be a blessing and encouragement to you. I believe that God blesses people so that they can turn around and bless others and bring glory and honor unto his name. This is my intention. It is not my intention to offend anyone on this website with my faith, I am simply telling you what has happened in my own life and what has worked for me. Please be encouraged! I will keep you in my prayers and will continue to keep the rest of you–my Lovefraud family in my prayers! I take authority over this evil in your life and I speak PEACE into your life and I claim it in the name of Jesus Christ! Amen!

(((((((HUGS)))))))) KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU HAVE THE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF THIS LOVEFRAUD FAMILY!!!!!

Sincerely,
Penny

Dear Penny,

I am so glad that you are doing well and that your X is indeed leaving you and your child alone for now. God has blessed you, and you keep on with your faith, my own faith was strengthened by the attacks of the “killer Pees” (a little pun there) but seriously it is at times like this that our strength must come out! We end up better and stronger people when we have fought the “good fight” (((HUgs))) and than you for your prayers I need them always!

Penny
You are so right. So often two people can experience the same thing but walk away with a different perspective because of where we put our focus. When that focus is on God and His will, it takes the burden off us. The psychopath’s focus is always on his own will: my own will be done. (that is also the creed of Wiccans) Dr. Peck speaks about that in “People of the Lie”. They lie because they want to bend REALITY to their will. They are that audacious. So the psychopath is really good for one thing: to teach us how not to be. We can see that he will not submit to God’s authority, or reality’s authority. He despises any authority in his life, unless it is an authority that he is brown-nosing and manipulating to do his dirty work for him.
Once we study the psychopath in depth we can see what he is and what drives him. Then we can be the opposite and know we are doing the right thing.
Often times I will recommend to someone here, to think like a P and use his own tricks against him. That does work sometimes, if you are willing and able to go in that direction. But miracles happen when you let go and let God guide you.

Dear OxDrover,

It has been a long and bumpy ride and I am very grateful the way GOD has made for me. I will of course continue to keep you and everyone else in my prayers. God’S blessings and ((((((HUGS)))))))!

Penny,

I admire your perseverance.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Aussiegirl – if you’re out there – know that i am thinking about you and wishing you the best tonight (buddhist equivalent of prayer)

Your letter to the courts made me weep.

Please keep fighting. There are good judges out there. I know how hard it is, and I’m sorry for anyone having to go through this.

Ox Drover, thank you….I will look into it further when that becomes the option I need to take….I have to go thru the courts first to get full custody, and that may be another year or so yet…..they refuse supervised visitation for her because he has never hit her hard enough to leave marks other than a bruise once or twice.

I have finally realized that my and my children’s safety is totally up to me, and I cannot depend on the court’s help at all.

And I still haven’t decided for myself if sociopaths are just total evil, souls that have not developed or have taken the wrong paths and have a long way to go, or if they are just a genetic mutation that seems to do well evolutionary-wise. 1 to 4% of the population seems like a lot, and in my mind, it makes sense that there would be so many, because they are always “me first”, so while the rest of us are sacrificing our lives for our families or countries, they are high-tailing it out of there and saving their own skins…..plus, with the sexual promiscuity that comes with the title, they are going to be planting more seeds than the rest of us. Which basically means more genetic predisposition to sociopathy.

Harold –
Thank you for your kind words. I’m doing better now. I will keep fighting but need to work out which fights are worth having now.

stillinshock –
I don’t know whether where you are there are laws about emotional/mental/financial/spiritual abuse (like we have here in Australia) but I’m going to try to send LF a link to some of the stuff we have here (once I work out how to link…) – maybe it will help someone to form an arguement for court…

aussiegirl, thanks, but no, our courts here do not recognize anything other than physical abuse. Even children’s services here do not recognize (or cannot do anything about) anything unless it involves “broken bones or a lot of blood”

Don’t care about financial abuse either, he quit paying child support 4-5 months ago….

I am still hoping for a heart attack from all that anger he is carrying around….but seems like these people live forever….(I know that sounds terrible….I’ve never wished anyone gone before!)

one/joy_step_at_a_time

happy towanda one and all!

Dear stillinshock –

I am so sorry that your courts are so stinky!! We have some decent legislation and guidelines, but the problem is getting the turkeys who run the show to USE it where it should be used.

Our Family Court sysem can actually be a little TOO reactive at times. I absolutely believe in protecting kids but so many lawyers play a little game here, where they help one parent to steal the kids from the other by working back and forth in different courts.

A naughty parent will apply for a Violence Restraining Order in the main district court on trumped-up grounds; the hearing date to defend this will be about 12 weeks later, as the courts are clogged. The existence of the temporary VRO is then used by the naughty parent to prevent contact with the kids through the Family Court system – they file a notice of “suspected abuse” and it takes 6 weeks for the matter to be heard. By then, there has been no contact with the kids by the duped parent for 6 weeks. Then – to err on the side of caution pending the outcome of the VRO hearing 6 weeks later – the Family Court orders supervised minimum contact with the duped parent – who has to PAY to see their own kids under the watchful eye of a court-ordered supervisor.

So 6 weeks of no contact followed by 6 weeks of supervised, bare minimum contact. This gives the naughty parent 3 months in which to establish “a workable routine” for the kids. At the 12 week mark, the duped parent goes into the district court to defend the VRO application against them and the naughty parent WITHDRAWS the application!!!

At the next Family Court hearing, the supervisor hands in a report to say they could find no evidence of abuse in the 6 weeks they supervised the contact. The supervision order is also withdrawn BUT BY THEN the NEW arguement by the naughty parent is that “the kids are in a stable routine” and to change it would be detrimental to their welfare.

Game over (because that’s all it was) The duped parent is then stripped of equal access and reduced to one day every second weekend. I’ve seen this time and again – it makes me sick.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

🙂 🙂

🙂 🙂

🙂

one/joy_step_at_a_time

🙂

Hey ya Aussiegirl – have we met? have you Googled Andrew Harper?

Hi AJH 1 –
We haven’t and no I haven’t but I did comment several times on your story of his “capture”. Will google him tomorrow. Off to bed now, up too late for an old lady!

Dear Aussiegirl,

Your description of the “game” of custody and the “divorce game” and the filing and dropping violence orders etc. SHEESH!!! I’m sure the courts are WISE to this so why is nothing being to change it.??? Oh, I forgot the reason: ENRICH the lawyers! Let’s see, lawyers make the laws to enrich the lawyers, and judges are lawyers, and lawyers are lawyers, and it is only lawyers that can run for political office and become legislators and they make laws to enrich the lawyers, who in turn….oh, yea, I get it. To hell with the kids.

Aussiegirl,
Thinking of you, wishing each day is getting a little better after such a horrible week last week.

Thanks watchdog!

I’m so much better than I was this time last week – for just a wee while I really thought I was on the back-slide again, but I posted here and got some input and read on some other posts and just started feeling so sad for other people on here (instead of just staying in my own – very valid, mind you! – misery and sorrow) and so I tried my best to help a little where I felt that I could – and HEY PRESTO!! I lived to see another day, and another, and another…

Onwards and upwards people! WE WILL PREVAIL!!! TOWANDA!!!!

Good for her and best wishes. She should consider herself lucky that she got a conviction out of the judge albeit the almost apology. Not all of us are that lucky. Some of us actually are abused once again by the legal system and judges who – I rather suspect white sociopathic themselves – abuse their position and power to further humiliate and abuse the victims.

I don’t wish on anybody what I have gone thru and having to stand in front of all high and mighty judges who have treated me as if I were the abuser while calling the bastard “Sir” or – as in my last court appearance a female judge who actually referred to him as “Dad” – the bastard actually got away with paying absolutely no child support, no contributions towards our son’s college education whilst having child support awarded to him for my other child whom he is still holding hostage. All of this while he makes $100,000 a year, the way another $55,000 and I make less than she does. But such is “justice” in the United States of Ass. May this rotten place go down into hell soon, as it so rightfully deserves!

Quantum Solace,

I understand your anger, the unfair things that come our way. In the past, I’ve read some of your posts and can relate to many of them. Take care of yourself, understanding the bitterness that can consume us. Hopefully, we can eliminate it in time.

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