By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) I've written here many times that I used to think that healing was a place we arrived at and that once we got there “everything would be wonderful.” I have learned in my latest tangles with the multiple psychopaths in my life that healing is NOT a place that we arrive at, but it is a Journey. I have no doubt looking back at my relationship with my P-sperm donor that I had PTSD when I escaped from his clutches at least alive, which is more than some of his victims have done. I was 19 and had no one to advise me. Looking back, I wanted to talk to people about this trauma and no one seemed to either believe or care. Even my Egg Donor didn't believe a word …
Our “crazy” friends and associates: discounting us by dismissing them
Those of us who have been in abusive relationships know all too well what it feels like to be discounted. We may have been told that our beliefs are ridiculous, our thoughts off kilter, and been made fun of for having them. We may have encountered ethnic or racial slurs, made by those who should have been the last to utter such words. After all, belittle our very core, the parts of us that we can do nothing about, and we may really turn into putty. We have also probably spent countless hours being ignored, which signals us that we were not worthy of the abuser's time or attention. As a result, over time, even we may begin to question out own judgment, value, and abilities. The list ca …
Our “crazy” friends and associates: discounting us by dismissing themRead More
The shame and blame game
All conscientious people, when there's a problem in a relationship, take a look inside eventually to see where their fault or responsibility lies. In a good couple relationship, you might have a fight over something, but then at some point, you talk about it and get a different understanding of where your partner was coming from, which can change your perspective. You might realize you reacted because it pushed some sort of button in you, perhaps some experience from your past, or you misinterpreted something. In this interchange, both people in a mutually caring relationship should eventually take responsibility for their part of the conflict. Through resolving the conflict you should end …
Relationships after the sociopath
I received the following email from the Lovefraud reader who posts as "Zimzoomit:" I saw the Lifetime Network show about you and lovefraud.com. What I would like to know is how the man who came next (your true lover, after the fraud) helped you to overcome the emotional havoc your ex who frauded you caused? Is there a specific blog or link on lovefraud.com to tell us how he helped you? Were you able to talk about things that bothered you about your ex, even ever so occasionally, when/if the haunted thoughts encroached on you ”¦ even if only occasionally but for years after the fact, and if so, what things did your new love say, to help you overcome those thoughts? Was he willing to li …
Study shows how experience affects genetics
The Los Angeles Times reported on Friday an interesting study about the effects of sleep deprivation on genetics. Essentially, lack of sleep caused some genes, such as those involved in stress reactions, to be amplified. Others, such as those involved in healing, were turned down. Read: Sleep deprivation has genetic consequences, study finds, on LATimes.com. I found this study interesting for two reasons. First of all, some sociopaths actively try to prevent their partners from getting enough sleep, and the study points to the real health consequences of this subtle form of abuse. Secondly, the study highlights the fact that genes can change. Here's a key concept: We are all born …
Wisdom: The Serenity Prayer applied to sociopaths
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr The definition of wisdom Almost everyone is familiar with the above “serenity prayer,” which is used as part of its program by Alcoholics Anonymous. Until I looked it up, I didn't know who actually wrote it. What is wisdom, though? Albert Einstein says, “Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.” Still, that doesn't tell us exactly what wisdom is. Wisdom is defined by Webster as: 1a: accumulated philosophic or scientific learning: knowledge 1b: abili …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The king, the charade, the wardrobe change
Editor's note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “LadyinRed.” I call myself Lady in Red. Surreal, this journey has been, ongoing it is. I live in hiding. A facade, a delusion much of my life has been. I finally awoke. I became aware. This last year has shown me. A sense of entitlement I see in so many. They take from others, wanting more. A mask they wear. Welcome to my theatre, a comic tragedy. I was half past my fourth decade, separated for years, two daughters I raised. One day my eldest said, I did something for you, come see! She showed me an account on a date site in my name. Time to get out there she said, play the dating game. A computer I had never use …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The king, the charade, the wardrobe changeRead More
Towards a graduate degree in Workplace S&P&N-ology
Editor's note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader PressEject. He previously wrote "Male and female sociopaths have remarkable similarities." Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. It has been about 4 1/2 years since my absurd abuse at the hands of the sociopath, which your great site helped me to make sense of, and, to eventually overcome. I am writing today in gratitude, but also with a bit of an update and reminder (at least to myself) to remain vigilant. With your help, and with the help and support of your readers, I finally had a set of tools to work with to navigate the world should S's and P's and N's eventually fall right back in my pathway. …
Doing business with a sociopath is bad business
Here's a scary fact about the prevalence of sociopaths, also called psychopaths: Dr. Robert Hare, the psychologist who developed the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), says that approximately 1% of the general population meets his definition of a psychopath. But in a study of 200 high-potential executives, he found that 3.5% of them fit the profile of a psychopath. That means there are 3.5 times a many psychopaths in corporate offices as there are on the streets. One of them, in my opinion, is Carl R. Greene, former executive director of the Philadelphia Housing Authority (PHA). I've posted several articles about him since he was fired from the agency that he ran for 12 years in …
Man who abused a boy scout also abused his own children
The Boy Scouts of America "perversion files" from 1959 to the late 1980s were made public last year. One of the violators was Brandon Gray, who lived in Morristown, New Jersey, in 1963. The documentation of Gray's action was validation for two of his children, who were also abused, and struggled to live normal lives afterwards. Brandon Gray scout abuse: Siblings discover dad's molestation, remember own torment, on HuffingtonPost.com. Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader. …
Man who abused a boy scout also abused his own childrenRead More