How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Looking for a date, I found a sociopath and a spiritual path

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Back in the summer of 1996, when I logged onto the America Online Love section, I had no idea that it would be the beginning of a journey that would change my life. I was looking for a date. I found a sociopath — and also a spiritual path. I was single, had never been married and was about to turn 40 — yes, I heard that biological clock ticking very loudly. I ran my own copywriting business and finally, after 13 years of struggle, I was making good money.  Maybe, I hoped, it was finally time for me to be happy. I’d previously tried personal ads, back when we actually placed classified ads in newspapers or magazines and responded by sending physical letters through the mail. …

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To survive a sociopath, we sometimes act like a sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2025. I almost didn't recognize myself. There I was, plotting with my cheating husband's mistress to steal money from his bank account. I was acting like a sociopath, although at the time I didn't know that my husband was a sociopath. Before I married James Montgomery, I never would have considered such an action.  But after he convinced me to blow $227,000 on his ridiculous business schemes, and after I discovered that my entire marriage was a scam, I was angry, broke and desperate. I did what I had to do to survive. Maybe because of your own entanglement with a sociopath, you've found yourself doing things that you never, ever did before. This happened to …

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What narcissists will never understand

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By Joanie Bentz, M.Ed., LBS, CCBP Narcissists are not cut out of the same mold as you and I. There are certain aspects of normal interpersonal behavior that narcissists will never understand. What does this mean? As a therapist, when I began researching narcissism, I viewed it from a more scientific view. However, with more experience and time, I have learned that the affliction seems to be multifaceted, going beyond a psychiatric explanation.  Narcissists have what I call “bankruptcies” of the mind, heart and soul. They inflict moral injury. They are impoverished spirits with no supply of empathy or regard for others. A chronic misunderstanding Whether you have gone no c …

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After the sociopath, how to mend your broken heart

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Sociopaths do not have the ability to love — but they’re really good at faking it. That’s one of the many true statements that I made in my TEDx talk. I was censored by TED — I don’t know why — so I finally re-recorded my speech and posted it on Youtube. I hope to warn you that sociopaths live among us, so you can protect yourself. But what if you’ve already encountered a sociopath? What if you’ve been deceived and betrayed, and you don’t know how or why it happened? What if you’re still in shock, or angry at yourself, or stuck in grief over the loss of your dreams? How to mend your broken heart In my view, mending your broken heart is a process. It includes three broad categories of …

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Please share my talk about sociopaths — TED censored it

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Millions of sociopaths live among us. They do not have the ability to authentically love. They view people as objects to be used. This was the topic of my TEDx called, How to protect yourself from sociopaths. TED censored my speech. After waiting for two years for TED to include my video on its website, I decided enough was enough. I just re-recorded my speech and posted it on Youtube, Rumble and Lovefraud. I invite you to watch it. My speech in June 2022 TED, which is headquartered in New York and Vancouver, says its mission is to research and discover “ideas worth spreading.” TEDx speaking events are run by local organizations under licenses issued by TED.  I spoke at TEDx …

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Three miserable Christmases with the sociopath, and how to heal from the memories

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UPDATED FOR 2024. I spent three Christmases with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. Every one of them was stressful, unhappy, worrisome and bereft of joyful holiday spirit. Now, however, I've recovered, and my Christmases are happy and loving. You, too, can recover. I promise. Here are my stories of Christmas Past: Christmas 1996 We had known each other for five months. We'd already had a secret wedding in Australia with his friends and family. For friends and family in New Jersey, we were planning another wedding in January, complete with bridesmaids, a fancy reception for 60 guests and a six-piece band. Montgomery had already blown through $50,000 of my money and credit, …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Listen to your inner voice

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader. She learned the hard way how important it is to listen to your inner voice. When I met my husband, 14 years ago, I owned my own home, had two children, a great job and life was great. I wasn't looking for a relationship, however, he would not take no for an answer until I went out with him (1st red flag). He presented himself as financially secure, a family man with a daughter, and who told me family is everything . He was very charming and giving to my children and I. After 5 months of dating, he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. I said that I wasn't ready to jump into …

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3 steps to prevent a sociopath from taking advantage of your vulnerabilities

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UPDATED FOR 2024. "Is it really a vulnerability to respond to somebody (apparently) liking and desiring you? Is that not just a basic human need that we all want to have fulfilled?" The Lovefraud reader Dorabella asked these questions on a story that I posted previously, The sociopath as your soul mate. They are great questions. The answers are: Yes, it's a vulnerability to respond to someone desiring you, and yes, it's a basic human need. So although these are vulnerabilities, they are also normal human qualities. To be human is to have vulnerabilities. A vulnerability is a weak point, and whenever we want something, that creates a weak point. Most of us want a romantic relationships, so if …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My biggest regret is that my girls were forced to do what I decided

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The Lovefraud reader who posts as “Missymooz” sent the following e-mail. She describes her biggest regret with a man whom she now realizes is a sociopath. I also was married to a sociopath!! For 15 years!!!! We had 4 children together, bought homes together etc., etc. I just left (for the third time) 2 months ago. I would like to tell my story, just in case it may help someone else out there. I feel very stupid to have stayed for so long. But here goes: I met him briefly when I was only 16, but we both went our separate ways. I married another guy when I was 19. This marriage dissolved when I was 25, and guess who was there to lick my wounds??? It a …

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Here’s the absolutely best way to protect yourself from sociopaths

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Yes, you can avoid letting a sociopath into your life. All you have to do is listen to your intuition. Security expert Gavin deBecker, who wrote The Gift of Fear, explains that intuition evolved within us over the millennia for one reason: To protect us from predators. Sociopaths are predators, and our intuition will warn us about them. The key is to pay attention. Sometimes the warning is blatant — one woman told me about feeling instantly terrified when a man approached her. But instead of heeding her internal warning, she berated herself for being judgmental — after all, the man had done nothing to her. She talked to him; they became romantically involved; he was, in f …

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