How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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After 6 months of No Contact, the sociopath wants to begin again

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UPDATED FOR 2022: Suppose you successfully get rid of a sociopath and he or she leaves you alone. Then, after months of No Contact, he or she reaches out to you. The sociopath wants to begin again. What do you do? Here's an email exchange I once had with a Lovefraud reader whom we'll call "Alana." Alana wrote: Donna, I came across ur website accidentally after I left a guy and was searching for some answers on whether he was abusive, I was left totally confused. When I met him 4 years ago, he seemed so crazy about me and he would send me hundreds of texts per day and 10 phone calls, he wanted to see me every day. At first I felt suffocated I wanted to run in the other direction, …

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4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating

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UPDATED FOR 2022. Psychopaths will never stop cheating. If you suspect that your partner is disordered, and you're experiencing any of the following, beware: Do you have absolute proof that your partner is cheating but he or she denies it? When you confront your partner about cheating, does he or she say it's your fault? Does your partner pick a fight with you, and use the fight as an excuse to storm out of the house and see someone else? If you answer yes to these questions, you may be involved with a psychopath — for more warning signs, get the exclusive Lovefraud checklist. If your partner checks a lot of the boxes on the checklist, know this: There's nothing you can do, or …

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Why do psychopaths lie?

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UPDATED FOR 2022: How to Spot a Liar that's the title of TED talk by Pamela Meyer, author of the book, Liespotting. A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to the video. It's a good starting point for a discussion of the question, why do psychopaths lie? How to Spot a Liar, on HuffingtonPost.com. In my opinion, the tips and techniques that she suggests in the video are helpful if you're dealing with normal people. I'm not sure how useful they are when you're dealing with psychopaths. Meyer does point out that people who think liars look away and don't make eye contact are mistaken. The research, Meyer says, shows that liars tend to look directly into your eyes. In fact, they hold your …

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My happy marriage after the sociopath

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This past weekend, my wonderful husband, Terry Kelly, and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary with a short getaway to New Hope, Pennsylvania. We stayed at a nice hotel, went to a museum, ate some delicious meals. But mostly, we celebrated our love for each other, still going strong after all these years. Yes, a happy marriage is possible after the sociopath. Life brings challenges and we’ve certainly faced our share. But the issues were never about problems in our relationship. What’s our secret? I’d say caregiving. I’ve explained many times that researchers have identified three social drives that are components of romantic love: Attachment — wanting to be with your special …

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A Lovefraud reader’s happy ending

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UPDATED FOR 2022 — a reminder to everyone that there can be love after the sociopath. Several years ago, Lovefraud heard from a reader whom we called "Rochelle." After 30 years, she'd reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. It felt like her chance to finally have the love she always wanted. Except that the boy, now a man, was a sociopath, and the love was a mirage. Rochelle knew he was disordered, but still she pined for him. She asked, "When does it get to the point where he stops taking up space in my brain?" Here's her story: Getting the sociopath out of your head She later wrote a Letter to Lovefraud detailing her experience: How sociopaths twist words and a …

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Yes, there can be love after the sociopath

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Relationships with sociopaths are devastating. At one time we thought we’d found the person we’d been waiting for all our lives. Then we were unceremoniously discarded. Eventually we learned that the whole relationship was a lie. We feel like we are emotionally ruined forever. But I’m here to tell you that there can be love after the sociopath. I know, because I lived it. My first book, Love Fraud, is the story of my marriage to a con artist. I describe in detail how he seduced me, then exploited me. But the book is more than that — it is also the story of my recovery. In fact, the sociopath’s betrayal shattered my emotional defenses, which had the effect of enabling me to truly open my …

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To the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing

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UPDATED FOR 2022. One of the hardest parts of ending a romantic involvement with a psychopath is accepting the fact that to the psychopath, the relationship meant nothing. In the beginning, when the psychopath pursued you, showered you with attention and affection, called and texted all day long — it was just seduction. When the psychopath proclaimed undying love, declared that you were the best thing to ever happen to him or her, pushed the relationship along while painting a glistening image of the future — it was all to hook you before you escaped. When the rough patches came and you were ready to walk away, and the psychopath pleaded, cajoled, promised to change or even thr …

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6 really bad reasons for staying with the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2022. If you're reading Lovefraud, it's probably because you suspect that your partner is disordered and you've been staying with a sociopath. This person's behavior has baffled you: How can he lie so prolifically? How can she be so cold? How can anyone behave so horribly and then act as if nothing happened? So you went looking on the Internet for answers. You've plugged this person's upsetting behavior into your favorite search engine and come across a list of traits such as Lovefraud's Key Symptoms of a Sociopath. Check, check, check — the person exhibits all or most of them. So what do you do now? The correct answer is to get the person out of your life as quickly a …

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11 abusive behaviors you’re likely to see from sociopathic partners

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UPDATED FOR 2022: When Lovefraud readers ask me for personal consultations, it's because someone in their lives usually a romantic partner acts in ways that they simply cannot understand. The readers describe an unfathomable mixture of affection, attention, contradictions, deception, blaming and rage. It makes no sense and it's behavior that they've never seen before. So imagine the readers' surprise when I say, “Yeah, they all do that.” It's true. Sociopaths all seem to engage in the same abusive behaviors. Recognizing physical and sexual abuse is straightforward enough. You may also be aware of psychological and emotional abuse. But if you're involved with a sociopath, you may als …

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How do sociopaths know what tactics to use?

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Lovefraud received the following question from a reader who was trying to understand sociopathic behavior: HOW do sociopaths KNOW what to do or how to act or what tactics to use to get what they want? They use tactics such as intermittent reinforcement or hijack our human bonding system, but they do not have degrees in psychology, nor do they consciously understand (I assume) that this is what they are doing – so HOW do they know to use those tactics to begin with??  It’s as if they are reading from the same ‘manual’ and that makes me wonder: Is it subconscious, intuitive behavior on their part?? Yes, sociopaths all seem to be operating out of the same playbook. Let’s take a look at it: …

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