UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "bonnie2017." Donna Andersen responds to her questions at the end of the letter. Names have been changed.Following my most recent life-shattering break-up 4 weeks ago, I happened upon your website, lovefraud.com, and found it extremely helpful and insightful! I first wanted to thank you for all the invaluable information you provide. I also wanted to tell you my sad story about my almost-baby-daddy and get your feedback. Maybe it can help others too.From January through May, I had been unknowingly dating what I thought was a narcissist (but recently realized he may actually …
Can therapy help a psychopath? 3 key factors
UPDATED FOR 2024. The behavior of some people in your life leaves you shocked and mystified. They tell stories that don't add up, in fact, they flat out lie. They are charming one minute and hateful the next. They hurt you, seemingly on purpose, and then act like nothing happened.You come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them. They need help. They should go to therapy.The behavior I described above is typical of psychopathy and other personality disorders. So can therapy help a psychopath?I once posted a link to an extensive article published by The Atlantic called, When Your Child Is a Psychopath, by Barbara Bradley Hagerty. I invite you to read this article, to provide …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: ‘Good Guy’ Gone Terribly Wrong
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman about a "good guy" gone wrong. She went public with her experience in order to draw attention to the terrible problem of domestic violence. The name she uses on Lovefraud is “Tormented.”In 2008, I divorced my husband of 18 years due to differences that unfortunately we couldn't work out. We have three amazing children together and remain good friends in spite of our divorce, which has made things much easier for all of us.Just five months after the divorce, I met a man who charmed me from the very beginning. I thought he was wonderful, and I quickly fell head over heels for him. A former county deputy she …
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10 tips to start dating again after leaving a sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. We are allowed to recover from the trauma of a relationship with a sociopath. We are allowed to move on and start dating again. In fact, if we don't move on, if we don't take our lives back, we are still in the trauma. It is healthy to put an end to it.A reporter was writing an article and sent out a query: “How do you know when to trust “your man”? I believe the answer is you can trust your man (or woman) when you can trust yourself.Victim vibesOf course, that is exactly what many of us who had multiple run-ins with sociopaths and other bad actors struggle with. How do we know that we're no longer sending out the “I'm a victim” vibes?I believe the answer is w …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: ‘O like Umbrella,’ and the shut down mechanism
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it's called.Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We w …
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Game theory and the sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That's what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, i …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Things people say
UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here's more of her experience about "things people say."I'll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: "You're paranoid." I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they're the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, "Trust your instinct." He told the audience to take women seriously when they have the …
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
UPDATED FOR 2024. I have a friend who lost his wife to cancer. After a year, he started going out in search of companionship. He knew my history of being involved with a sociopath, in fact, he knew my ex, James Montgomery. So when he had a bizarre experience with woman he dated for a few weeks, my friend had questions for me.The woman claimed to be separated from her husband, although I’m not sure that was the case. She pursued my friend relentlessly, until they had sex. At some point, she made a comment about “a lion needs fresh meat.” After that, they spent an entire day together, then she unceremoniously dumped him.My friend asked, was this woman kooky like my ex?He told me more, and it so …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed "resources" I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to "get it" little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.The comment goes like this: "Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy." It is a …
Dancing as treatment for depression
If you’re feeling depressed — and if you’re involved with a sociopath or narcissist, you certainly have reason to be depressed — how do you overcome it? Many people turn to therapy or medication, but research shows that physical exercise may be just as good. Dancing as treatment for depression is particularly effective.A new study published by the BMJ (formerly British Medical Journal) analyzed multiple previous studies with the objective of identifying the optimal dose and type of exercise for treating major depressive disorder, compared with psychotherapy, antidepressants and control conditions.“Exercise is an effective treatment for depression, with walking or jogging, yoga, and strength t …