Last week I asked whether there might be physical consequences to life with a psychopath. Judging from the many and fascinating reader responses it seems that many people suspect that these relationships have indeed affected their health. Boldily pains, chronic anxiety, eating disorders, weight fluctuations, difficulties with sleep, headaches – all these and more either started or worsened at the time of the relationships. Some ailments straight away resolved themselves when the relationship ended, others linger.
Before I give a brief conceptualisation of a linkage between life events and physical health I must clarify terms. I am not talking here about hypochondria, imagining and and worrying about being ill. I am talking about psychosomatics, a term which has become confused for some to mean, ‘it’s all in your mind.’ Psychosomatic ailments are real ailments. A migraine headache, even if it has a psychological element, has real constriction of blood vessels, real pain, real vomiting, real response to medication – it is not imagined. As you’ll see below, to me it makes no sense to speak of something being only in the mind.
A personal example
Since childhood I suffered from migraine headaches. There is probably some genetic disposition at work – my mother and her sister were both migrainous. There were some physical things that seemed to make my migraines more likely – bright light, dehydration. However, there was also something psychological at work. How do I know? First, while I usually got three of four migraines a year, one year I was migrainous during each weekly session of a class I was teaching – too much of a coincidence. Second, although my migraines weren’t an actual topic during my therapy when I trained as a psychotherapist, somehow my migraines stopped then. Therapy is not all I was doing. I was seeing a chiropractor, doing Pilates, improving my diet, writing.
What happened? In short here’s what I’ve come to. For me migraines were in part the consequence of unexpressed anger. (During the course I was teaching I was angry about something but did nothing about it because one doesn’t get angry with one’s students, right?). Somehow the combination of psychotherapy and other activities untied that particular emotional/physical knot for me and since then it has not been necessary for me to have a migraine. Now if I feel a fluttering in my left temple I say to myself, “There’s something (emotional) going on”, and that redirection of attention seems to be enough.
I’m not suggesting anyone’s else’s journey will go the same way as mine did. In fact I know that’s most unlikely. Each person needs to work out their own – preferably multi-pronged – approach. NB Please do not take this a recommendation to eschew regular medical treatment; when I say ‘multipronged’ I mean tackle the matter from several angles including, of course, medical science.
Psychesoma, MindBody
Body-mind medicine is not everyone’s cup of tea. If you are interested see this review of a recent book on the field’s history.
Here are some notions on psychosomatics from Dr. Brian Broom (see also here and here):
What are some of the assumptions then, of MindBody healing?
- Body and mind are inextricably involved with each other, indeed they cannot be separated.
- Mind elements are important in developing, triggering and perpetuating disease.
- Mind elements also play a role in wellness and protection from disease.
- Sometimes there needs to be a pure focus on the body as the best approach to illness, while at other times a pure focus on the mind is more important.
- In many situations, however, a combined approach is likely to give the best outcome for the patient.
- It is important to attend to ”˜mind’ in all patients, even in what is normally regarded as ”˜physical’ illness. Attending to mind implies many elements including: respect for the patient’s ”˜illness experience’; listening for the meaning of illness; understanding the individual’s model of illness; regard for the role of trauma; attention to family, relationship, societal, cultural, and spiritual forces promoting illness or healing; regard for the influence of sociological factors such as poverty, unemployment, and loss of identity; and the role of biomedicine in rendering mind aspects invisible.
Chronic stress
Life with a psychopath provides great and ongoing inner tension and may also inhibit the ways that tension can be relieved. While it’s neither the whole story nor everyone’s story, it makes sense to me that there may be a lot more bottling up in a relationship with a psychopath than normal and what has been bottled up may well have consequences.
We are beings who, it seems, will make manifest what’s going on inside, whether we do it through action, emotions, expression, or bodily symptoms.
————————-
Next week I will describe one simple method that has been scientifically shown to improve some ‘physical’ ailments which have a psychological component. In the meantime, what have you found that helps?
Just what I needed after a sleepless night ruminating. for validation and understanding.
Me too
Gillian
This has always been one of my weaknesses, my tendency to brood. Intellectually, I know it gets me nowhere, in fact it always makes me feel worse. But, still, it’s so hard for me to break the cycle.
I feel as though I have to go back and reprocess the past nineteen years. But how can I reconcile so many years of being completely deceived with what really happened? I try to get on with my life, but I keep tripping over memories.
And all the time this man of my dreams (nightmare more like it) was leading a double life. There was life as I saw it, the happy charade, and then there was reality, life behind the veil. And now the veil is ripped, I see behind it, and what I see is so ghastly.
But it’s so hard. Especially in the morning. In the evening, it’s easy. I think I’ll get up the next day and do this or do that, I will go to church, or exercise, or get together with a friend. And then I wake in the morning and it’s all too much effort. Life feels so dreary. It’s all I can do to claw myself out of bed to make an appearance before my daughter leaves for school.
lightsaber
Here’s a list of what’s going on with my body AFTER the sociopath and with PTSD:
constant overwhelming fatigue
sleep disturbance
nightmares
constant anxiety
severe muscle tension
hyper startle reflex
gastro-intestinal and digestion problems
severely limited attention span (inability to concentrate)
short term memory loss
spaciness (“spacing out” mentally)
significantly high clumsiness (accidents ”“ ie. dropping things, bumping/walking into things, burning myself while cooking)
impaired cognitive ability and loss of memory (ie. in the middle of a sentence and then get stuck and can’t think of a simple word I’m trying to remember; I try to make a simple point or tell a short story and I suddenly get “stuck” and confused)
YES. It is also a form a torture and personal terrorism. I’d like to tell people who have no clue what it’s like, “Imagine being in love with someone and then they suddenly turn into the BAD cop AND the GOOD cop and they never let you leave that interrogation room. THAT’S what it’s like living with a sociopath. You know they have devised these ways of breaking people’s minds for a reason ”“ BECAUSE THEY WORK. If you have bonded and are connected to someone who then turns the tables on you and uses ALL of the SPIRIT CRUSHING techniques on you, it WILL destroy YOU eventually.
Seastorm
ALL of the above were present when I was with the sociopath.
Aside from the sleep disturbances, NONE of them were present BEFORE the sociopath.
As well as all of the above, I also lost a lot of weight due to the inordinate CONSTANT STRESS and CRAZY-MAKING
Thanks for the above. I had the same reaction to the psychopath I lived with. Unfortunately, Those things did not disappear and I continue to have PTSD to the point where I am unable to work. This is five years later.
However, I do feel better and I have hope again.
Replace a few details with hidden life with incest fantasies and peodaphile fantasies regarding our daughters and 22 years to process.
And that’s me. So tired of it and his legacy.
littlewhite horse,
High thee to a physician and a psychiatrist, get a complete physical and mental checkup and get some medication for your problems.
I have had fibro for 20+ years, diagnosed in 1989 actually, and just “toughed out” the pain until recently and it became so bad I could not sleep and was awakened 10+ times a night with PAIN….didn’t want to take narcotics so was put recently on Lyrica and am still adjusting the dose, but there is NO PAIN. For the first time in my memory, I do NOT hurt (except for the acute injury to my ankle from last Friday the Thirteenth where I dropped something on it) going to the ortho doctor today.
I absolutely suggest to everyone that you get a physical exam to make sure you don’t have a thyroid problem or other problem making you feel bad.
Stress can have a bad effect on your body and mind so get some professional diagnosis and help. If you are low income or no insurance check around in your area some areas have Title 19 mental health clinics for low income that are sliding scale or even free…some states the Health Department will do a complete female and STD check for free and pap smears as well. There are also programs for free mammograms so check out those. Don’t just think that your local doctor’s office is the only avenue to medical or mental health care.
If you are unable to work because of the PTSD Social security disability does cover this, but you must get it diagnosed by a professional before they will accept it and figure about 2 years from the time you apply (and you can retroactively apply) and you most likely will have to get an attorney but the law limits the amount of the money they can get from you to about $5,000 (20?% of your back pay from the time you apply to the time you get it.) Unless you are at death’s door most of the time you can’t get SSD without an attorney. If possible get one that specializes in that.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Keep your stress low by cutting out everyone in your life who is stressful, take care of yourself by doing things that are good for you, healthy eating, stop unhealthy habits (I quit smoking and if I can anyone can!) exercise and eat right. Get your finances in order and your life in order one day at a time…don’t push….just do that day’s tasks and let the next day take care of itself.
Crawl til you can walk, walk til you can run and then JUMP AND SCREAM TOWANDA!!!!! I’M FREE!!!!!
littlewhitehorse –
“So tired of it and his legacy.”
I know. x. I hear you and I feel you sister – me too.
Just when things seemed at an end (well, in many ways they were/still are) and I had been feeling better physically for several months and had started back at work on a graduated return-to-work program and had enrolled to study next year and was making all kinds of optimistic plans for MY future….the Fibro comes back with a vengeance.
The PTSD is way better than it used to be – when he killed my hen 7 weeks ago, it came and got me for a few days but I have settled right back down now; to the point where, when confronting the guy who was breaking into my car at 11 o’clock last Wednesday night, I was really quite calm and in control. After the initial fright and the unhinged call to the police, I stabilised to the point where I didn’t even feel scared of him anymore (probably should have though…LOL)
But the pain and fatigue and the rashes and the headaches I have at the moment are threatening to take the shine off my “brand new day” a bit…GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
I have kicked the spath to the kerb (long ago and never looked back once I had decided enough was enough) but his legacy – my illness and the resulting restrictions it places on me – remain as a daily reminder.
We just have to keep whistling and smiling though; eventually, we will overcome (or at the very least, learn to successfully manage) any lingering issues we have as a result of having been spathed. In the meantime, we need to remember that the hardest and the longest part of our journey is behind us – we have all come so very, very far. Hold that tight sweetheart and it will help to get you through this next bit. xx
little whitehorse and aussiegirl,
You two are in my prayers (along with other LF-ers). You’ve had a HARD road to travel. I feel badly for you, wanting you both to have some relief. Peace.
Hi Oxy, Aussiegirl and bluejay.
Just wrote a long post and it disappeared into cyberspace and I am so tired after a sleepless night therefore I will keep this brief.
Oxy-I live in Scotland therefore medical treatment is free. I have a psychiatrist and she has recomended that I get a full physical as I am also menopausal.
I feel so sorry for those of us who struggle to get medical care where they live.
Aussiegirl–you always seem to rescue me by validating my crazy experience. I too lost a beloved pet and brakes failed in my car. I know it was him.
For four and a half years I have found it difficult to get believed. The only proof that I had for my psychiatrist was his stalking and she saw it herself. After I threw him out he parked his car outside my home from 7am to 5.30pm 5 days a week whilst he got a lift to work. Didn’ t help my PTSD.
This week I dug out 5 months of emails that I had written to him even though we shared the same home. Communication had stopped abruptly when he turned unexpectdley into a molester, rapist and sadistic torturer.
Although all from me you can clearly hear the anguish as I protest that I am not our daughters and he is not my son as he raped me. I am pleading for him to stop.
Also-opening this page this morning-I didn’t even need to write. My experience was all written by others before me. I will be printing this off and giving it all to my psychiatrist next week. I just feel I can rest now from trying to prove it was all real despite being bizarre.
Spaths do this to other people too.
I have been reading Lovefraud for four years now-but it only recently I have started to join in. I am a bit rusty at socialising as I have become a bit of a hermit–anxiety and agorophobia related.
It is helping because it is not a story you can share with the outside world as I need to protect my kids from harmful gossip.
This week–I have been processing like crazy since digging out the emails. I was always too scared before in case I couldn’t handle them.
And I am tired–but somehow I think it is a good tired as I am now free at last from the strain of protecting my kids from my ex H molester P because I don’t need to PROVE IT anymore.
Four and a half year brick wall is crumbling.
Perhaps I can now let go and start to heal.
Thank you for accepting me into the community. I am aware that I know all of you and have established trust over the four and a half years and that I am just new to you.
Yeah-I think it’s a good tired, I’ve been battling the authorities for a long time. In one week. Synchronisity.
Take care. Love yous to bits
LWH
xxx
littlewhitehorse,
I admire you because you’re still standing, having not been demolished by the evil one. Our spath is in jail (in another state). I am hoping that he can remain there for a while longer. It is nice NOT having him around. Mental and emotional stability is returning to me (for which I am grateful). We all have something in us that causes us to withstand the assaults against us. Hopefully, the angels are standing around us, guarding and protecting us while we recover from the chaos that has been thrown our way. Peace.
Hi Bluejay
When I got him out and ran for help I felt that I had escaped from a concentration camp. I was so numb both psychologically and emotionally that I felt autistisic. My head and body felt completely disconnected from each other and I was totally detatched.
They pulled me from the brink of a stress breakdown which would have hospitilised me.
I could barely speak and all I could repeat over and over the threat to my children.
Aussiegirl Is right. I have come along way. I thought I was so damaged that I was a gonner. But my kids and animals kept me going. They depended on me.
I redecocorated my home all over, This kept me busy as I had so much adrenaline and fear pumping through me. I hardey knew what I wasdoing.
But it turned out nice and it reassured the kids that we were not at rock bottom poverty wise-even though we were. No rainy day money saved. I thought my marriage was sound.
If anyone had told me that Iwould be sitting here writing and that my head had connected to my body again–I wouldn’t have believed them.
I am so glad you are gettng peace and yes Ireally think that I have a guardian angel.
Financialy I seem to get by and Ithink someone is up therepaving the way until I heal.
Aussigirl–You are right-I have come quite far but still a ways to go.
Sorry about the typos. Everytime I try to correct it cancels out the letter before. I need to wait until my son wakens to fix it.
Take care all
And thank for listening
xxx
When I initially read this article I thought about how my life was in complete chaos and it truly affected my body and mind. Then I sat back and realized that I wasn’t the only one, I have four children that range from 13 to 4 years old. My oldest has been tremendously affected by this. During the time I had this person in my life, in our life my son experienced overwhelming headaches, chest pains, dizziness, and nervousness. I always felt it affected my kids to a certain degree but as I relive the last two years in my head it was turmoil for all.
Littlewhitehorse,
you are a kindred spirit because of your experience.
As I used to say, “welcome to the worst club of the best people.” It doesn’t matter how long you’ve posted or read, you are still one of us.
As the community grows and shifts, the “personality” changes a bit, that’s true. But for the most part I have observed, I think correctly, that most people here are more sensitive and conscientious than the average joe. It’s our strength and our weakness. It’s why spaths targeted us.
So part of being here is trying to shore up our defenses on that front. How do we make our loving, compassionate nature less vulnerable without losing it?
I think, the answer is to somehow turn that love and compassion on ourselves. It’s hard.
Anyone who has advice I’d love to hear it.
Hi Skylar
For me -I watch signs that I am being triggered e.g my pity.
If it seems iffy then I am off as I have really serious trust issues.
I take my time in offering my services as I observe what they are wearing and how they are acting. I just stay quiet. If I think it is genuine then I will offer a solution. If I am in doubt I just say ‘I can’t help you’ or remain quiet.
I usually look for win win solutions, but in saying that I think I will pass on any future romantic relationships-just companionship and friendship.
Just play my cards close to my chest until I feel safe, which could be a long time.
Take care
xxx