Barbara Bentley was 35 years old and divorced back in 1981, when Admiral John Perry swept into her life.
She met him at a dinner party hosted by a friend. The admiral dominated the conversation with his stories—he’d lied about his age to get into World War II and became one of the original Navy SEALs. He was a naval aviator during the Korean War, and flew with the Blue Angels. Then, during the Vietnam War, he commanded swift boats fighting on the rivers. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving some of his men when their position was overrun by the enemy. Afterwards, he did clandestine work for the federal government, going places where it would be better if the American presence wasn’t known.
Barbara Bentley relates the story of meeting Admiral John Perry in the beginning of her book, A Dance With the Devil—A True Story of Marriage to a Psychopath, which was published last year. I felt like I was reading part of my own story.
Different psychopath, same story
I, too, heard the tales of fighting in Vietnam from my psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. He claimed to have been awarded the Victoria Cross, which is Australia’s equivalent to the Congressional Medal of Honor. In fact, he sent me a copy of the “mention in dispatches” account of his heroism:
In heavy contact with the enemy, forward of the company in which Captain Montgomery was moving, the commander of the Mobile strike battalion was killed and an Australian Warrant Officer and several indigenous soldiers were wounded ”¦ Without hesitation, Captain Montgomery joined a small group under the command of a further Australian Warrant Officer, who was a company commander in the battalion, and went forward to the area of contact. While the remainder of the group were extricating the casualties ”¦ Captain Montgomery cut and prepared the casualty evacuation point on his own and under enemy fire. The helicopter attempted to extract the serious casualties but was forced away by heavy fire. Captain Montgomery, with complete disregard for his own safety, then, single handed, cleared the enemy from the close proximity of the evacuation point using hand grenades and small arms fire.
It was, of course, a complete fabrication, as were the stories of Admiral John Perry.
Marriage was a nightmare
But like me, Barbara Bentley didn’t know anything about psychopaths. All she knew was that this man who was so charismatic, so larger-than-life, was saying that he was smitten with her. He pursued her. He proposed to her. And even though he was 20 years her senior, she accepted.
The marriage, of course, was a nightmare, although Barbara couldn’t figure out why. John loved to live the rich life, even when he wasn’t working, and their finances were a catastrophe. He always had a plan though ”¦ his new job would pay better ”¦ he was going to sell some property ”¦ his inheritance was coming through ”¦ financial stability was always just around the corner.
But when Barbara finally started asking serious questions, John Perry attempted to murder her.
Then, the legal abuse
The guy was in jail when Barbara tried to divorce him, and he refused to cooperate. Even though he’d attempted to murder his wife, according to California’s no-fault divorce law, he was entitled to part of his wife’s assets, and he was going to get them.
Barbara was so outraged by the legal abuse—the law demanded that she pay the man who attempted to murder her—that she embarked on a crusade to get the law changed. And she did it.
A Dance With the Devil, by Barbara Bentley, is an excellent account of how psychopaths manipulate their victims. Reading it, I saw my own story, over and over. You probably will too.
This book is also the story of escape and recovery. And, it’s the story of a woman who turned near-tragedy into something positive. Now, in California, psychopaths who try to murder their spouses are not entitled to their assets as well.
I read this book a coupla months ago. Pretty good read. It does show how a victim can go into denial and rationalize away “signs” that indicate their own life may be in danger because they simply refuse to believe their psychopath could or would kill them because they have not committed any obvious or overtly physical aggression towards them in the past. Also, very admirable work she did to get laws changed.
Matt,
The 7 year renewal would be a good idea for the easy in/ easy out marriage.
I agree about reproduction, up to a point. We’ve made attempts to decide who should reproduce and who should not. Trouble is, who gets to decide? Then there’s the child selection game. People want to determine various aspects of their child’s genetics. Sometimes they’re being reasonable, sometimes they’re not – but who gets to decide what’s reasonable?
I told my husband I thought that the Chinese tendency to select male children and abort female children would self-correct in a generation or two. He disagreed and said he thought is was going to last indefinitely. Who knows? Not I.
I disagree with the Sociologist because I don’t believe marriage is a contract between two people. I think it’s a contract between the two people, their families and their community. Divorce puts strain on their children, and frequently puts strain on their extended families and the greater community.
My kids have four cousins. They regularly see two of them, and occasionally cry bitterly because they’ve lost contact with the other two. The two they don’t see are the ones whose parents divorced. The rest of us feel the same way. What gave those two self centered twits the right to rip apart the rest of the family when they split?
The other divorcée in our family is still simmering with rage because we all associate with his ex-wife, 25 years after the divorce. Whatever! Just because he divorced her doesn’t mean we have to. We accepted her into our family upon his request, with all the tender feelings and personal involvement that implies. Now he wants us to revoke that love and unconditional acceptance? If it were so easily revoked, it wouldn’t be family. What was he thinking? Personally, I don’t care. I love him, but I’m not humoring him on this one. He’s nearly 55 now. Maybe he’ll grow up soon.
Marriage isn’t merely a contract between two people, and divorce certainly effects more people than the husband and wife.
Marriage is serious business. It should be inconvenient and difficult to get into, and fairly challenging to get out of.
I’m with you, Matt, on the “license for procreation”—most of the time it is simply RE-creation and OOPS! But, “who gets to decide?” is the big question. LOL We know we can’t trust “the system” or “judges’ or “lawyers” or etc etc, you fill in the persons we can not trust to make that decision, so that being the case, we just have to accept that lots of folks who SHOULD be weeded out of the gene pool will be the ones producing the most children. Responsible and intelligent people are already limiting the number of children they have to 1 or 2 for the most part.
I agree, Elizabeth, that marriage is viewed differently by different people.
Marriage is a LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT between two people AND the state (and how that contract is written depends on the particular state you reside in.)
Arkansas is NOT a “no fault” state, but it does have “community property” statutes.
Pre-nups can to some extent mitigate the “marriage contract” financially.
Living together without marriage does leave some problems with what happens to estates, and also who is in charge of the person if they should become incapacitated. So contracts that are written can over come that problem if the couple wish to cohabit without being “married.”
There ARE some advantages for married couples over living together being unmarried. Taxes for example, etc.
Marriage, as we suppose it is, in this country as a joining legally of EQUAL partners, both having the same legal rights, is not universal all over the world, even now, and may never be. It has not been “equal rights” for men and women in or out of marriage for very long in THIS country.
When I was divorced iin 1980, the credit history of the “Wife” was just being at that time (I was a home maker) being applied from their JOINT or HIS credit history. IN this state though, BOTH parties had to sign for a loan to one.
When my late husband and I got married, because we were both adults, had separate groups of children, and each had our own credit history, we had a pre-nup and kept our finances separate during our marriage. Personally, I don’t think that is a bad idea in ANY marriage. I can see some problems it might cause (buying a house together) etc. but frankly, I see more problems that it would solve/prevent than it would cause.
I would not even consider (especialy in a community property state with a “homestead” provision) marrying anyone with OUT a prenup that would protect my estate for my children, and his estate for his children. I was fortunate that none of my step kids were greedy when my husband died, and I had no trouble, they all love me, but so many times I have seen NOTHING BUT GREED AND FIGHTS over estates.
That why why my P-son decided to have me killed, so he could get more, and I have little doubt that he would have killed the rest of the family too, if he had succeeded in knocking me off first. I earned it, I have the right to dispose of it as I SEE FIT. I can leave it to my kids (if I want to) or give it to a home for stray cats–I don’t OWE my kids anything, and surely not my P-son. My parents didn’t/don’t owe me an inheritence either.
This is changing the subject but I have an important question. Before the P exited he drunkenly complained to me about side effects from his anti-retroviral cocktail. I didn’t take it seriously because I didn’t believe anything he said sober. And how could someone so strong, handsome and vibrant have HIV? But now I think he’s HIV +.
His ex-girlfriend presently hates me because he told her that he broke up with her because I convinced him she was cheating on him – an absolute lie. I had to block her on facebook because she posted harassing messages to my page – his doing of course. If he wants to have unprotected sex there may be nothing I can do about it, but if she is infected and knows I don’t think she’d do the same. The only thing I can think to do is send her an anonymous note urging her to get tested because any kind of overt contact will simply get me back into his web. I know that kind of letter would be very frightening to receive and might not persuade her to get tested, but I feel like I can’t just sit back and do nothing while she (possibly) spreads HIV, especially considering that I can’t get her away from P.
Hi All,
About the childbearing comments: there is a movie called Idiocracy. (Not sure if I’m spelling that right.) It’s a little stupid, pretty funny in parts but makes a fabulous point about what could happen if all of the responsible people limited the amount of kids they had and the not so smart folks kept breeding. Fast forward about 500 years into the future and all the idiots run everything and the “smarts” have been bred out of everyone. It’s interesting.
Oxy:
Looks like I need to add this book to my list. Paying off some heavy bills to past few years so I haven’t treated myself to all of the books yet. (You mentioned to me that I should read Dr. Hare’s book and I will.) I’ll be doing that, getting the books I need, in May or June. My birthday is in July, so maybe I’ll splurdge. That would be the best birthday ever: No S/P/N’s in my life and books filled with all the information I need.
penelope:
The public health departments of many states handle contacting unsuspecting targets of carriers of infectious diseases like HIV.
If you haven’t been tested, do so immediately. If you ask you doctor he will be able to advise you regarding public health. If you don’t want to go to your doctor, if you go to any of the reputable clinics that deal with sexual/reproductive health, AIDS, HIV, the can advise you. Also, many of these clinics have help lines and counselors who can also give you advice, anononmously.
Savannah:
Robert Hare’s book has been out since something like 1993. You can probably find it at the library, or a used copy without too much trouble and without too much cost.
To all,
I use amazon.com or half.com for used books and some of them are like $4.50 with postage for used copies. Cheap cheap cheap!!!! I’m a “book-a-holic” so it is an addiction to me, but I love them and re-reading the good ones is great too. I also buy big boxes of books at the auction for $3-4 per box, and sometimes get some really interesting reads. Sure beats paying $7 for a paper back novel, or $27-40 for a hard back. The older the book the better chance of finding used copies.
Good advice, Matt.
Good for Barbara Bentley that she was able to get that dumb law changed.
In my line of work, foster care, we often wonder why the worst parents seem to be the most fertile. You need training and a license to drive a car, but there is no prerequisite to be a parent.
I had a lousy day today. Looks like I, yet again, may be passed over for a promotion. What makes me feel even worse is that my S got the promotion I deserved (after working for the agency 30 years)- and he has been with the agency less than three years. From what he has told me, he has a very shaky job history- many jobs with bad endings that, of course, he blames on everyone but himself. Anyway, the way he got the promotion last year ( when he moved to another building, found his new “love” , and devalued and discarded me) was by being his charming self at ONE meeting- here I have worked like a dog for 30 years and he gets a promotion like that. Its just like Martha Stout says on page 190 of The S Next Door “a smart scoiopath can sometimes keep things going with an occasional splashy performance or by schmoozing and being charming” so so true in his case (I carry around Ms. Stout’s book every day and often refer to my hi-lighted passages to give me strength). Although he got this promotion, he seems to be having trouble maintaining because in this new job he is getting scrutinized much more closely than in the previous job. I secretly hope he will come to a bad ending with this job too- is that mean?
And Penelope: Don’t feel bad, I am still very jealous of his new love even though I know that the devalue and discard will probably be her eventual fate. Also, tonight, just a few minutes ago , I cried and wished that I could talk to him- or at least the person I thought I knew, the person he pretended to be for 18 months. Even though I am doing a little better each day, my heart still aches and I miss so so much the person I thought was my best friend.
Matt,
In my state you have to be infected to use the disclosure service, and I thankfully did not sleep with him. He rented a spare room in my house and although I fell for him like Humpty Dumpty I resisted his advances because I wanted to keep the roommate relationship platonic. So he gave notice and mentally tortured me for two months. And I cried when he left. Any more tips?
Blindsided,
Go ahead and hope he gets fired. These freaks deserve every bad thing that happens to them due to how horribly they treat others. Frankly, I think how they convince you that they could be your best friend is the most hurtful part of it.
blindsided: you said “Also, tonight, just a few minutes ago , I cried and wished that I could talk to him- or at least the person I thought I knew, the person he pretended to be for 18 months. Even though I am doing a little better each day, my heart still aches and I miss so so much the person I thought was my best friend.”
It does hurt when you think you have a friend you value, and then they do you great harm. I’m going to say it even though you already know : all the good qualities you saw were what he read in you and then projected back to you. The good stuff wasn’t in him but in you. The best friend you thought you had was your own good heart – he was just a gifted mimic without a conscious.
These are things I’ve read here that have helped me start healing, said by people who were going through it before me. It’s amazing when I began to realize the “mentor” I missed so much never really existed; I can begin to trust myself to be my own friend, but the teacher I respected didn’t have those qualities. She’s just a very good actress with an agenda that serves on one but herself.
The intensity of the loss we experience means that we are capable of deep feeling and attachment, and that will serve us well when we meet people worthy of our friendship and capable of returning those feelings. Our feelings of friendship were only very misplaced with the emotionally dead, ethically empty, soulless sociopath.