Barbara Bentley was 35 years old and divorced back in 1981, when Admiral John Perry swept into her life.
She met him at a dinner party hosted by a friend. The admiral dominated the conversation with his stories—he’d lied about his age to get into World War II and became one of the original Navy SEALs. He was a naval aviator during the Korean War, and flew with the Blue Angels. Then, during the Vietnam War, he commanded swift boats fighting on the rivers. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving some of his men when their position was overrun by the enemy. Afterwards, he did clandestine work for the federal government, going places where it would be better if the American presence wasn’t known.
Barbara Bentley relates the story of meeting Admiral John Perry in the beginning of her book, A Dance With the Devil—A True Story of Marriage to a Psychopath, which was published last year. I felt like I was reading part of my own story.
Different psychopath, same story
I, too, heard the tales of fighting in Vietnam from my psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. He claimed to have been awarded the Victoria Cross, which is Australia’s equivalent to the Congressional Medal of Honor. In fact, he sent me a copy of the “mention in dispatches” account of his heroism:
In heavy contact with the enemy, forward of the company in which Captain Montgomery was moving, the commander of the Mobile strike battalion was killed and an Australian Warrant Officer and several indigenous soldiers were wounded ”¦ Without hesitation, Captain Montgomery joined a small group under the command of a further Australian Warrant Officer, who was a company commander in the battalion, and went forward to the area of contact. While the remainder of the group were extricating the casualties ”¦ Captain Montgomery cut and prepared the casualty evacuation point on his own and under enemy fire. The helicopter attempted to extract the serious casualties but was forced away by heavy fire. Captain Montgomery, with complete disregard for his own safety, then, single handed, cleared the enemy from the close proximity of the evacuation point using hand grenades and small arms fire.
It was, of course, a complete fabrication, as were the stories of Admiral John Perry.
Marriage was a nightmare
But like me, Barbara Bentley didn’t know anything about psychopaths. All she knew was that this man who was so charismatic, so larger-than-life, was saying that he was smitten with her. He pursued her. He proposed to her. And even though he was 20 years her senior, she accepted.
The marriage, of course, was a nightmare, although Barbara couldn’t figure out why. John loved to live the rich life, even when he wasn’t working, and their finances were a catastrophe. He always had a plan though ”¦ his new job would pay better ”¦ he was going to sell some property ”¦ his inheritance was coming through ”¦ financial stability was always just around the corner.
But when Barbara finally started asking serious questions, John Perry attempted to murder her.
Then, the legal abuse
The guy was in jail when Barbara tried to divorce him, and he refused to cooperate. Even though he’d attempted to murder his wife, according to California’s no-fault divorce law, he was entitled to part of his wife’s assets, and he was going to get them.
Barbara was so outraged by the legal abuse—the law demanded that she pay the man who attempted to murder her—that she embarked on a crusade to get the law changed. And she did it.
A Dance With the Devil, by Barbara Bentley, is an excellent account of how psychopaths manipulate their victims. Reading it, I saw my own story, over and over. You probably will too.
This book is also the story of escape and recovery. And, it’s the story of a woman who turned near-tragedy into something positive. Now, in California, psychopaths who try to murder their spouses are not entitled to their assets as well.
blindsided & betty,
They must target the loving and sensitive out of sheer sadism since there’s no shortage of shallow people to exploit. The P in my life looked at women like cattle: he needs constant sex and attention like food. If he could tether women in a barn to be instantly available he would, but without that power he constantly spends a huge amount of time and energy grooming every woman he meets to be a potential lover or at least to feed his ego by pining away for him. Just as we kill cattle for food, he will not hesitate to use, abuse and throw under a bus women who love him if it serves his purpose.
A major reason I stopped talking to him was because I felt so sick at how he’d turned his ex-gf into a virtual slave by prodding her into harassing me. She repeated verbatim conservations that I’d had with him yet he claimed he hadn’t talked to her in weeks!
Of course Ps use men as well. There was a gay man who posted lovesick messages on his facebook page in a forced campy style that didn’t hide his desperation. I asked P about it and he just said the gay guy is crazy. But “crazy” is how he describes everyone he’s sexually manipulating while failing to note that he makes them crazy.
Sounds like a good book, she sounds like a strong woman. I would like to read it, to read about her recovery.
I have a question related to the book and to any book written by a mark about his or her ex-psychopath: How do they get around being sued by the p for libel and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Yes, I know truth is an absolute defense and the marks can prove many elements of their experience with documentation, but doesn’t the psychopath attack the veracity of any conversations repeated in the book? Given that Jeffrey McDonald (still in prison for allegedly murdering his family) sued Joe McGinnis for writing Fatal Vision, even though he was receiving royalties off the sale of the book, I would think such retaliatory lawsuits would be common.
A second related question is whether those who write in their own names about their experiences with disordered individuals fear more extreme retaliation. (I know I’m projecting with that question.)
…Thank you Rune and Aloha for the welcome posts on the earlier thread. Yes, Aloha, I recall the tone of your first posts. Having seen your progression has given me hope. In the beginning you were still very much looking over your shoulder but as you relaxed we got to see more of your sense of humor come out. Many of your one-liners have been absolutely priceless. My last court date with Mr. Monster was over a year ago but I don’t think I’ll stop looking over my shoulder for many, many years…(sigh) Oh well, on a brighter note, I do feel a bit better just since beginning to post.
Leah: Very good question! I don’t know the answer! What about OJ Simpson? He was found not guilty of murder, but there were a lot of books written about him… by people who probably never even met him. Are they abel to write because the person already has such a bad reputation? Maybe one of the attorney’s on the site knows the answer. Makes me think of the blogger here, swehrli, and everything she’s going through.
In Barbara Bentley’s case, the psychopath, John Perry, is dead. That probably helps.
Betty and Penelope
Yes, I know intellectually that he has little or no conscience. but emotionally it is still so hard. Sometimes I liken it to a death, except in a death you can continue to believe that the person loved you. But with Ss they are right there, still going on with their lives with the next “love” while you are left bereft. This blog really helps
“In Barbara Bentley’s case, the psychopath, John Perry, is dead. That probably helps.”-Donna Andersen.
Well, that explains it. Gives me a new goal. So, you have to outlive them so you can tell the full story, with all the gory details, without legal repercussions? Got it.
blindsided31: The reason our economy is in the toilet is because of people like your’s and our EXs (all the Bernie Madoff characters of the world). I hope the folks scrutinizing this wing-nut illusion of a person, doesn’t just scrutinize him during a probationary period, but ensure there is checks and balances in place for the duration of his stay in his promotion.
Stop focusing on his relationship with the newest victim. She is a victim, pray for her. Her life, like yours and all of ours, will never be the same after a predator roller-coasting through.
If there is a location in your place of employment that can report fraud, I would definitely report him and tell them it’s not a point of being a rejected person it’s a point of him being a anti-social personality. Then I would give them LF link to read about the characteristics you are explaining.
I believe more people should report their EXs to every and any agency that will listen. It’s time our voices get heard.
Peace.
Donna,
Thanks for the great review of my book on Lovefruad. I knew it sound all too familiar to you because of the military lies.
I wrote this book to help others and I always said it would get published when the time was right. John died, but not before he collected the equivalent of alimony from me for four years (at about $1,000 a month). Then ten years passed and I sold the manuscript. Since publishing is a two year process, my book came out in November 2008. Kirkus Reviews says it’s an engrossing modern-day fable, particularly timely in the age of anonymous internet dating.
The lawsuit issue is one of the questions I always get at booksignings. John is dead. Most of his family is too. This definitely helps and it has allowed me to become a voice for those who find themselves in the crazymaking world of the psychopath. I would not have been able to do it if he were still breathing.
My book is available in many libraries as I got an excellent review in the Library Journal. So ask your library to order it if they don’t already have it.
My webpage is http://www.adancewiththedevil.com. I post a lot of information including links to sites like Lovefruad. You can also go to my You Tube video and television interviews and sign up to be on my distribution list for further announcements, like the air date of my story on Dateline NBC. I have a blog but I don’t post a lot and when I do it’s more about my writing journey.
Donna has put together an excellent site. Too bad something like this wasn’t available when I was going through the dark days. Two of those I thank in my book are Gobi and Gaby, my golden retrievers, who gave me kisses when I needed them the most…like the times I crumbled to the kitchen floor in tears.
But I used my four Ps to recover: passion, planning, patience and persistence. Like with so many things, time is a great healer.
My prayers go out to all who are still finding their way into the light.
I’ll close by saying once more ” you Donna, for helping vicitms with valubale information and a place to share on Lovefraud.”
YOu know, my P-sperm donor died (will be 2 years in June) and up almost until his death I had this BURNING DESIRE to smear him in print, as he did me. I even wrote the darn book, which is still in my computer, but you know, it is funny (odd) but I have NO DESIRE TO EVEN PUBLISH IT NOW. I am not sure how much market it would have, but in his business he was and still is by some considered a guru and has a loyal following.
The thing is, though, I no longer care enough about him to even bother seeking a publisher, which as his daughter I might actually find (Sort of like “Mommie Dearest” which was published about Joan Crawford by her daughter.) It is just like he NO LONGER MATTERS or is relevant to my life any more. I had always thought when he died I would WANT to get a lawyer and sue his estate and make a big stink, and when the time actually came, I had no such desires at all.
I even realised if he had left me $10 million dollars, (fat chance) that I would not want it for myself (blood money) but would have donated it to some charity that he would have hated. It was also interesting to note he cut out 2 of my 3 half sibs as well. I have had no contact with them since I last saw them when they were children, except the one who did get the money called me once about 20 years ago wanting some information about our grandfather who died before he was born. I think that half sib, though, from what I know about him, and the fact that he stayed close to my sperm donor, and from reading some of his writings on the internet, that he is also a P, or close to it anyway.
There just comes a time, I think, when we no longer feel bitterness, anger, or the thirst for revenge or even justice (I P-sperm donor never received justice in the conventional sense of the word for the murders he committed or the other horrible acts he was guilty of, (at least not in this life) but I no longer felt or feel a need to defend myself against his unjustified smear campaign.