This book has an appealing title and an appealing theme—comparing people with personality disorders to vampires. But my opinion of Emotional Vampires—Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., is decidedly mixed.
The book gives a brief overview of personality disorders in general, and then discusses five types of problem people—antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid. The author provides checklists to help you identify the problem personalities, and tips on how to deal with them.
Dr. Bernstein’s writing style is breezy and entertaining, and he uses made-up anecdotes to illustrate his points. To be fair, it seems that the book is mostly written for a business audience, people who come up against personality-disordered individuals in the workplace. In fact, the author is available for business consultation, speaking engagements and workshops. Here’s how he describes his presentations on his website, albernstein.com:
Give me a podium and stand back.
In my talks, I try to present a sensitive and humorous view of serious issues that everyone in the business world must face. I try to give useful, step-by-step advice and to leave my audiences laughing — and thinking. Listen to one of my talks, and work may never be the same again.
Successful speakers generally are entertaining. As a book, Emotional Vampires is entertaining. The problem, for me, was that it skimmed over the serious damage these vampires do to others, and underestimated the malicious nature of their actions.
The basic problem with emotional vampires, the author says, is that they are immature. He writes:
Emotional Vampires are not intrinsically evil, but their immaturity allows them to operate without thinking about whether their actions are good or bad. Vampires see other people as potential sources for whatever they happen to need at the moment, not as separate human beings with needs and feelings of their own. Rather than evil itself, vampires’ perceptual distortion is a doorway through which evil may easily enter.
I’m sure plenty of Lovefraud readers would dispute the “not intrinsically evil” part.
Lovable Rogues
Of the five personality disorders discussed in the book, I am most familiar, of course, with antisocial personality disorder. And quite honestly, I was outraged that the section of the book dealing with sociopaths is entitled “Lovable Rogues.” Here’s how Bernstein begins it:
Antisocials are the simplest of vampires, also the most dangerous. All they want out of life is a good time, a little action, and immediate gratification of their every desire. If they can use you to accomplish these goals, nobody is more exciting, charming, or seductive. If you stand in their way, you’re dogmeat.
At the core of the antisocial personality, Dr. Bernstein says, is “a lust for stimulation of all sorts. All the other characteristics seem to arise from that central drive for excitement.” He compares antisocials to adolescents, and says they seldom mature until they reach age 50.
Maybe this is true of run-of-the-mill drug addicts, many of whom are diagnosed as antisocial. But it made me wonder if Dr. Bernstein ever met anyone who was victimized by a sociopath. Yes, they do want excitement in their lives. Yes, they use others to get it. But as many of us can attest, the “drive for excitement” just doesn’t go far enough in describing the motivations of these people. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes in her upcoming book, they are “driven to do evil.”
The description Dr. Bernstein gives of the antisocial personality is accurate, as is the description of how antisocials snare their victims. The author terms it “hypnosis.” He also talks about “grooming,” in which sociopaths seduce you to cross one little line at a time.
But the book also gives the impression that you can deal with a sociopath. Dr. Bernstein lists the “10 elements of vampire fighting strategy,” with advice like “know them, know their history, and know your goal,” and “get outside verification.” He also advises the use of contingencies, as in, “If you do X, Y will happen.” And you have to be prepared to administer Y.
Never, however, does Dr. Bernstein suggest that you might want to get the sociopath out of your life. That scares me. If Emotional Vampires was the first book that someone picked up on the topic of personality disorders, particularly sociopaths, I think the reader would be woefully uninformed. Most of what Dr. Bernstein says is accurate, and the strategies he offers might work for someone on the low end of the disturbance continuum. But if you’re dealing with a full-blown sociopath, I wouldn’t rely on his advice to solve your problems at home.
Thank you for the review. The title sounds like he’s trying to cash in on the popularity of the teenager vampire movies, and wants to boost his bookings of speaking engagements. Sounds like another fluff book written by someone who just does not “get it”… and I’ve read plenty of those!!!!
Dear Donna,
I have read this book, in fact several times, and I do agree that it has some short comings, that said, there are many things in it for people who are dealing with “ordinary” low-level “toxic” people. I agree that GETTING THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE is necessary for the “higher level” and “more dangerous” personality disordered people.
Also, I think that there is a “huge audience” for this book vs. a more “scholarly” book detailing the whys and wherefores of psychopaths/anti-socials. I think that “huge audience” is comprised of many people who have a lower level of education, less scientific or medical or psychological education, and even a lower level of reading comprehension.
It is sort of the the “Harliequin Romance”-level of reading sophistication and I think might be helpful to some level of victims.
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I don’t mean to sound condescending to that group of people, who do not have access to more or deeper information, who would not feel comfortable reading or have the background to understand “Snakes in Suits” or other books written for a target audience of people with higher levels of education.
Even if it was the first book someone read, it might spur them on to further or higher level of reading.
Many people I think have been first “educated” to the concept of narcissism/psychopathy by Sam Vakin—and I know some of his stuff is so rotten it smells like dead fish, but it did spur them on to do some REAL READING later and then on to some serious healing.
My opinion is that no ONE book, or ONE view of things is 100% right on, or will reach each and every person, I think it takes reading a great deal, studying, applying and thinking about many different views for each of us to develop our own healing concept. That is one reason LF is so great because we can DISCUSS, read, learn, and explore so much in educating ourselves about the Psychopaths and about ourselves.
Thanks for this review.
Thanks for the review. I read this book about 2 years ago, and came to the same conclusion, more or less.
That the author calls emotional vampires “not evil” suggests to me that he does not understand what Hannah Arendt termed the “banality of evil”. Indeed, C.S. Lewis famously pointed out that one of the devil’s better bits of PR work is when people began to associate him with the laughable, a horned man in red tights wearing a pitchfork. This suggests that it’s ridiculous to accept the existence of evil.
To avoid evil, we must principally search our own thoughts and feelings. Evil tends to get a foothold in our lives through our petty vanities, jealousies, and fears. Evil people are those who give their vanities, fears and jealousies no adult supervision, but instead permit them to run wild. If a person is truly given over to his/her baser emotions, it’s a fine bit of hair splitting to say that it is his/her thoughts and acts that are evil, and not the person him/herself.
As much as we know that we are supposed to hate the sin, but not the sinner, we still should recognize that some people are to be avoided. Until they admit their bad behavior is wrong, and make an earnest attempt to reform, no good can come from dealings with them.
OK, Here is crazy PInow with another idea. We are a minority (thank GOD), because the Ps are still a minority (Thank God), but among us there are few that have… well psychic abilities. If so, I want to share something with you that has been on my mind and I need help processing. So, here it goes: I am perceiving a headless man out of my peripheral vision (more like Third Eye). Does this mean anything to anyone (OTHER Than “PI has gone crazy and delusional”). If I process it as Not real, but continue to “see and perceive it” and go on about my business, I am not really all that crazy… but, is this my brain trying to process a man without the face that my P turned out to be? or is it some headless spirit latching on to a wounded soul? Or, is it my mind telling me that I am “losing my own head”? I wish I knew… any religions talk about the “headless” wonder? Ideas? (since we are talking about vampires, I thought this was a timely question)….
PInow:
Is this a dream? think maybe the headless man you are perciving is a result of not seeing clearly in you head what’s going on or what’s “ahead” of you? I’ve got a couple of great dream analysis books that say part of our dreams/vissions/perceptions are tounge and cheek subconcious metaphours of what is going on in our concious mind.
my thoughts anyway.
That’s an interesting perspective for sure. I have to go “under” and see. Astra travel has been taught to me, but I have been forewarned against doing so, especially when so vulnerable. Yet, I think I ought to give it a try tonight. Will report tomorrow, if it worked. Indeed, dreams are our friends. We resolve many conflicts while asleep and “traveling”. Interestingly, when I met the P, spirits of his women came to warn me and I refused to listen (or understand) and when he went on with his pathetic life, my spirit had gone on to warn others, and they too refused to listen. We are all one. I believe. what one does affects so many. That’s why we are able to function in a group and they are forced to con. I say “forced” because truly they are not able to perceive any type of team work (seen it, I am sure you have too). OK, but perhaps, others will share their view on the headless? I have never encountered anything like this before (met a guy who spoke to little invisible people, though 😉
Right on target with all the comments on the book. I just finished reading it and have to add that after reading all the Sam Vaknin stuff and feeling overwhelmed and scared, this book was a light hearted almost humerous relief….despite the seriousness of the subject. Still think anyone reading it for the first time will want to enquire further on the topic.
PInow:
good dreams and safe “travels” tonight! you are right….we recive alot of information through our dreams but so ofthen we dont listen.
http://www.donaldtyson.com/vampires.html
Sounds familiar? whatever they are named, the Ps have been around for thousands of years, it seems
Hi all,
For those who believe there’s more to life than meets the eye, as I do, this article is a fine piece of synchronicity – only the other day I ordered this book from Amazon lol and am waiting for it to arrive!! =D
I’m not sure what attracted me to it as I’m normally the academic sort of person Oxdrover refers to.
I got it because of a family member who seems to fit the profile of Emotional Vampire and I want to stop myself getting too close to her as I am apt to do. You know, they draw you in so you respond and then WHACK they bite you. So you move away but then they begin to draw you in again and so on, ad infinitum…
That’s how it is at moment, I’m doing alot of giving but not much getting.
I guess I didn’t want to read anything to heavy, I wanted to keep learning how to deal with her lighthearted/low stress for myself even though I know as well as we all do that nothing about these people is lighthearted.
Saw a recent photo of my narcissistic mummys boy ex yesterday – he was in his cap and gown after graduating from his post grad studies. I felt a bit down, angry that he used me up and then threw me away, especially as I sacrificed alot emotionally when he needed to study for that qualification because I thought we had a future, I did it for ‘us’ as much as him. He had nothing when I met him and I had everything. Now it’s the other way round and I can’t help but feel smacked in the face to see him smiling away. I’m fatter, I’m more lonely, I’m a shell of who I once was because I can barely trust people anymore and his life is all hunky dory.
I am trying to get myself back on track again – I’m taking full responsibility for my own future as I always have – but something in me changed when he discarded me the way he did. something towards the world, towards people. That faith in human nature that kept me going for nearly 30 years disappeared overnight – I am virtually agoraphobic because I don’t trust anymore and as soon as I get close (ie commit to anything, project, job etc) I withdraw again because I feel too vulnerable.
For a beautiful clever loving 30 year old woman to be like this just because of the callousness of 37 year old narcissistic mummys boy who trampled on her heart and soul without a second thought is so sad and I pray I get better soon and become myself again.
Thanks for the review of the book Donna – I’ll post my thoughts on it when I’ve read it =) xxxxxx
Deare Genevieve,
I agree with Donna on some if not all the points she makes, but do think that there is some GOOD INFORMATION in this book for the “average” reader who may not be dealing with a full blown P. I would never suggest that anyone read this as the ONLY source on “vampires” (whatever you call them) Personally, I think VAMPIRE is a good name, it implies that like the myth, they are a parasite, they SUCK US DRY for their own benefit.
Not everyone is able or ready to comprehend the full scientific, medical and psychological facts about full blown P-ism, they don’t have the interest, education or flatly background to understand and accept what is truly known about these people.
I have noticed since I came to LF that the “average” poster here is WAY ABOVE AVERAGE in many ways, including their smarts and ability to gasp concepts that are not so concrete.
While I do NOT think that the “average” LF poster is in any way indicitive of the “average” victim. I think that, as elitist as it may sound that the brighter victims have self-selected for this blog, I also think that most of the posters here are self-selected from the victim-pool as ones who are more heavily damaged, and have had “worse” encounters with Ps or with multiple Ps.
Just as the survey that was the basis of the first Women Who Love Psychopaths (Brown AND Leedom) shows that the victims as well as the psychopaths, have similar traits to each other, but that does not mean that LF posters represent the “average” victim. We are only a very select, self-selected cross section that is not indicitive of the “average” victim who generally is, I think, not quite as capable or even willing to accept the true scientific and psychological information about psychopaths, or even about the “common” every day Jerks that are maybe not even true psychopaths, just paracitic creeps to one degree or another.
I think for the “target audience” to be considered for these people, the book has a great deal of good information, but those that are more willing, capable etc. to grasp the REST OF THE STORY, they will move on and learn more with other books.
I don’t mean to sound like I think I am “better” than the “average” victim, in fact, I realize my own choices have made me become a victim over and over and over, and though my husband/lover etc didn’t beat me, my SON did, so any arrogance on my own part would be pretty ludicrus at best. But I do accept the fact that my education has helped me grasp SOME of the “higher” and less concrete concepts of the psychopath than some poor victim with no education, no support, no computer, no idea that there even is such a THING. all she knows is she is in pain and doesn’t see a way out.
Even the writings of sam vakin have alerted some people I know to read and learn more about psychopaths and to realize he is a quack, a fake and a psychopath himself.
Personally, I don’t care who the messenger is, as long as the message is gotten out there. I did find some good things in this book, but don’t agree with everything for sure. But it is a start, just like Vakin has been a start for some people.
Keep on reading and learning G, and godspeed! (((hugs)))