This book has an appealing title and an appealing theme—comparing people with personality disorders to vampires. But my opinion of Emotional Vampires—Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., is decidedly mixed.
The book gives a brief overview of personality disorders in general, and then discusses five types of problem people—antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid. The author provides checklists to help you identify the problem personalities, and tips on how to deal with them.
Dr. Bernstein’s writing style is breezy and entertaining, and he uses made-up anecdotes to illustrate his points. To be fair, it seems that the book is mostly written for a business audience, people who come up against personality-disordered individuals in the workplace. In fact, the author is available for business consultation, speaking engagements and workshops. Here’s how he describes his presentations on his website, albernstein.com:
Give me a podium and stand back.
In my talks, I try to present a sensitive and humorous view of serious issues that everyone in the business world must face. I try to give useful, step-by-step advice and to leave my audiences laughing — and thinking. Listen to one of my talks, and work may never be the same again.
Successful speakers generally are entertaining. As a book, Emotional Vampires is entertaining. The problem, for me, was that it skimmed over the serious damage these vampires do to others, and underestimated the malicious nature of their actions.
The basic problem with emotional vampires, the author says, is that they are immature. He writes:
Emotional Vampires are not intrinsically evil, but their immaturity allows them to operate without thinking about whether their actions are good or bad. Vampires see other people as potential sources for whatever they happen to need at the moment, not as separate human beings with needs and feelings of their own. Rather than evil itself, vampires’ perceptual distortion is a doorway through which evil may easily enter.
I’m sure plenty of Lovefraud readers would dispute the “not intrinsically evil” part.
Lovable Rogues
Of the five personality disorders discussed in the book, I am most familiar, of course, with antisocial personality disorder. And quite honestly, I was outraged that the section of the book dealing with sociopaths is entitled “Lovable Rogues.” Here’s how Bernstein begins it:
Antisocials are the simplest of vampires, also the most dangerous. All they want out of life is a good time, a little action, and immediate gratification of their every desire. If they can use you to accomplish these goals, nobody is more exciting, charming, or seductive. If you stand in their way, you’re dogmeat.
At the core of the antisocial personality, Dr. Bernstein says, is “a lust for stimulation of all sorts. All the other characteristics seem to arise from that central drive for excitement.” He compares antisocials to adolescents, and says they seldom mature until they reach age 50.
Maybe this is true of run-of-the-mill drug addicts, many of whom are diagnosed as antisocial. But it made me wonder if Dr. Bernstein ever met anyone who was victimized by a sociopath. Yes, they do want excitement in their lives. Yes, they use others to get it. But as many of us can attest, the “drive for excitement” just doesn’t go far enough in describing the motivations of these people. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes in her upcoming book, they are “driven to do evil.”
The description Dr. Bernstein gives of the antisocial personality is accurate, as is the description of how antisocials snare their victims. The author terms it “hypnosis.” He also talks about “grooming,” in which sociopaths seduce you to cross one little line at a time.
But the book also gives the impression that you can deal with a sociopath. Dr. Bernstein lists the “10 elements of vampire fighting strategy,” with advice like “know them, know their history, and know your goal,” and “get outside verification.” He also advises the use of contingencies, as in, “If you do X, Y will happen.” And you have to be prepared to administer Y.
Never, however, does Dr. Bernstein suggest that you might want to get the sociopath out of your life. That scares me. If Emotional Vampires was the first book that someone picked up on the topic of personality disorders, particularly sociopaths, I think the reader would be woefully uninformed. Most of what Dr. Bernstein says is accurate, and the strategies he offers might work for someone on the low end of the disturbance continuum. But if you’re dealing with a full-blown sociopath, I wouldn’t rely on his advice to solve your problems at home.
🙂 I read a post card somewhere Janey, It said
“Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light”
What beautiful, wonderful words you have written here. Are you trying to reduce us all to tears? And then with the fabulous mr. Cohen? we’ll all be snotting all over our key boards;)xxxxx Much, much love, and best wishes for the future. how wonderful to have ‘met’ you.xx
Dear Janey,
Thank you for your wonderful post!!! and your “thank you” on U-tube.
I hope you will continue to stay here and read and blog, there seems there is ALWAYS something new here, some new insight I hadn’t thought about before, that clicks with me.
Our healing is a journey, I think, rather than a destination. I am so glad that you are no longer at the bottom of the abys or feeling suicidal. Glad that you are feeling better and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn’t an on coming train!
God bless you as you journey with us, and God bless us all!
ps. to Blueskies, “snivel, snark, snott, snort….”
JANEY:
Of course…..being the tenacious woman I am…..I connected with……….
****But they’ve summoned up a Thundercloud…..and theyre gonna hear from me.***
(I’m sure you don’t find this shocking!!)
Oh….how I will use this one……
the softer side of me (still left), did connect with the crack letting the light in……
I guess it’s essential we are all cracked, otherwise we would live in darkness forever!
What a gift!
Janey, thanks for sharing your thoughts……I know there are far more people ‘learking’ than posting……I was one too…..It is unbelievable how we can connect and be validated when we are in such a dark place and feel so very alone……with no one ‘getting’ what we are going through in our ‘real’ lives.
I am so glad you found LF…..I think I found it the same way…..Jeykle and Hyde google.
It just takes one person to change a feeling, emotion and put us in the right mindset for another hour of our day.
Stay with us, stay strong, keep those tears flowing when they need to and look forward to a bright future ahead! I’m glad your where you need to be and growing, learning and most of all ALIVE!!!!
Stay strong my dear…..stay strong!
Thanks for your words of kindness….
I bid you peace!
XXOO
Dear Blueskies, Oxdrover & ErinBrockovich,
Thank you so much for acknowledging my post. I didnt know what to expect when I posted, I wanted to post before but never had the courage, I feared no-one would notice I was even here. But the urge to thank you all was stronger than my fear of rejection. When I pressed the post button on my first post my heart was pounding in my chest, I then switched off the computer. You cant imagine how amazed I was when I switched it back on several hours later & saw your replies to me. I cried, I’m in such a tearful place right now that I’m in danger of drowning, I’m so much further than i was but no where near where I want to be yet.
I’ve been reading here for so long that you seem like celebrities to me. I really could’nt believe that Bueskies, OxDrover & ErinBrockovich had posted a comment to me.
I read & re-read every word over & over again.
Maybe one day I will be able to do this with ease & not be so afraid of rejection.
Blessings to my 3 celebrities & thank you for making me feel less invisible.
XXX
Oh JANEY:
Don’t go there……I (WE) are just ‘normal’ people that have experienced, lived and felt the pain and lived the ‘fantasy’ of being with a Sociopath….
We are all on the same ship……trying to plug the bomb holes, so as not to allow this ship to sink. There are days we sleep ‘under water’, and there are days of smooth sailing.
I wake up, I worry about the bills, the kids and how it’s all going to end up…..there is nothing special about me, except I am ME! I am a survivor and woman that, knowing what I know now…..refuses to be cornered by my ex S…..I have, and will continue to fight him, when needed, if needed and how needed to protect myself, my rights along with those of my kids.
I have developed a determination through all this, a determination I wouldn’t trade for NOTHING! I choose to view my past as a path to my future….to today and who I have become…..and I LIKE MYSELF!
I have a passion for others in my position, others like YOU and our friends here at LF……It’s just wrong….my preface is….What’s right is right and whats wrong is wrong….
I have exposed the dynamics of my life, learned about them inside and out and choose to move forward educating anyone who will listen to me on Sociopaths and their behaviors.
This is what I do to heal…..It helps me as I can help others……it’s win-win and I was always a multi-tasker.
You have been downtrodden…..pick yourself up…..because god knows, no one else will…..and LIVE LIFE!!!! Don’t drown yourself…..use those tears to get to anger then on to action. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Trust me, I am ‘no one special’ and if I can do what I have thus far…..YOU CAN TO!!!!
You have to believe in yourself, there is just no reason NOT to!
We have choices in life……no matter what path we choose……there is a beginning a middle and an end……It doesn’t last forever, gain strength, determination and control of YOU and where YOU are going!
Put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking girl….
Some days, that’s all we can do.
I hope you post more…….Everyone is welcome here, and you are on ‘our team’…..Sit on the bench if it helps you, or get in the game when it helps you……do what YOU want, WHEN YOU want, just allow yourself to grow and learn…..the changes will occur from there. This is a safe place to heal. You will never be rejected here.
You kind words are much appreciated, your a gem.
I am glad I could be part of your ‘coming out’ party!
WELCOME!!!!
XXOO
Hello all. This is my first time posting, but I’ve been reading a lot of the posts and learned a great deal in the last two months. I was already deeply working on my own recovery from co-dependency issues over the last 20 years (I’m now 47), but the information here at Lovefraud.com took me to a new level in gaining greater perspective about my last relationship. From the beginning, it was a very different relationship than any I’ve ever experienced I once told someone that knowing this man had changed my DNA in some ways. I’ve since come to the conclusion that I was in fact dealing with a Narcissist.
Interestingly, beginning about 6 months into the relationship, this man loaned me money for my new business. He gave me thousands in cash at a time, and I insisted that we put it in writing to protect his interests, and because I wanted to show my honorable intentions in dealings with him. I had no intentions of taking his kindness for granted, and I fell in love with him because he trusted me in this way as well as seemed so interested in wanting to spend a lot of time with me. He said he most appreciated that I am a reliable, honest, upfront, compassionate and decent human being.
It’s a good thing I’m not a Sociopath or else I would have a great way to do him for the emotional trauma he caused me during our 1.5 year relationship, by refusing to pay his money back. I am in the process of paying him back, however, because of my own values and integrity. I did inform him I will deduct some of the money I owe him, however, because I ended up giving him lots of free psychotherapy and did some work for him in other areas of his life that were beneficial to him. Even today, he seems so not worried about his money, which I find puzzling, because it’s not like he’s rich. He just said that he knows I’m a person of integrity, which is something I’ve demonstrated all along in my dealings with him and he’s seen me do so in my dealings with other people when we attended various events.
BUT”I was so appreciative that he loaned me money when I had no other resources (not even family members whom I had previously helped) that I didn’t fully understand/comprehend many of the controlling tactics and negative symptoms that crept into our relationship his nonsense, gaslighting, taking up too much of my time, selfishness, trying to make me jealous, subtle put-downs, confusing words and behaviors, and finally episodes of physical aggression. It all caught me off guard because we seemed to have so many similiar qualities he was reliable and I never caught him cheating, even though he’d make comments implying this and that. Over time, however, his gaminess was so anxiety-producing during a time of uncertainty when I was building my business that I couldn’t imagine how I would function. We had talked about getting married and him working with me in my business. Yet he drained my energy, did silent treatment sometimes and made me feel crazy when we’d have discussions about legitimate relationship concerns. While I often was very attentive and even asked questions of him while we were dating, he often seemed indifferent to my emotional needs and individual self, which felt very invalidating to me.
He is still in my life due to my owing him money, but I have slowly detached enough over the last few months to limit contact we used to sleep at my house every night for the last three months. But I no longer take him seriously as being possibly “the one.” Like some of you, I was able to get to this point by taking on/”acting out” some of his characteristics, but only in my dealings with him not projecting these crazy behaviors onto other people in order to defend myself. I deliberately said things to confuse him like he had confused and fucked with my mind. Some episodes involved me verbally abusing and physically hitting him back a few times in response to all the ONGOING anxiety/stress he’d caused me. Other times, I used knowledge about narcissism to taunt him with words that would cause him N-injury and distress. I’m not ashamed of this because it helped me get my personal power back and because I KNOW in my heart that I started out very open to this man and had no ill intentions toward him. But after experiencing all of his moods, trance-like missteps and odd responses out of the blue, and insults to my intelligence, I felt it was better to give back some of the negativity to him than to take it out on innocent others.
If all of this sounds like I too was/am a N, it’s not true. I simply decided that I wanted to make him suffer like he’d done to me when I was confused about so many contradictory things from his end in the relationship. Now that I’ve regained some footing, I do not feel overly loyal to him as I once did because he had been so generous in giving me nearly $20 K for business, and I no longer take his selfish, unthoughtful and unkind behaviors personally.
After our last incident where I went on a date with another man after turning my ex’s request for sex down (he wanted it for him no interest was expressed in pleasing me), I recently told him that he’s better at playing the game than I am and that I concede that he “won.” I simply don’t have the interest nor energy to continue engaging in this pattern of behaviors in order to survive, when I clearly have the skills to work with another person in building a healthy relationship.
Yet, I am grateful for the experience because I’ve learned to practice boundaries better and gain new awareness about the reality of unconscious people who can do serious psychological damage to another if one is not careful. I plan to pay closer attention to these kinds of things and people who exhibit red flags early on like he did now that I think more about it both professionally and personally.
It will be interesting to see how the full progression to no contact happens with my ex, since we still talk periodically and I keep him up-to-date on his legitimate right to know when he can expect to receive all of the money he loaned me for my business. I might be playing with fire by being in touch with him periodically (since getting intimate could happen I am realistic about this if I get horny enough although am trying to practice celibacy or self-pleasure if absolutely necessary). But I am also clearer in letting go of the fantasy of what could have been a great relationship had I been with someone who experienced normal human empathy.
Thank you all for your helpful information.
recovering… Hi. Glad you posted… yes, the “red flag” is one of the things I learned here at LF not to ignore anymore, but I was ignoring red billboards! It’s tough to realize we were in love with a fantasy, you sound like you’re out of the fog. Hope you post again. The people here are wonderful!
Hi shabbychic — Thanks for your feedback. It is an ongoing journey of staying clear about boundaries and being realistic about when I might have contact with my ex, so I can be mentally prepared to remember not to get back into the gaminess.
An example: Shortly after we broke up the last time, he called me six times one evening to report his every step: That he was going to another woman’s house to have sex, then five minutes later called to say, “I’m leaving my house,” then five minutes later called to say “I’m at her house and she’s in the bathroom getting ready,etc. Ten minutes after the last call he made to me, he stopped by my house unannounced and I didn’t open the door — I just called him on his cell phone as he stood outside and told him to go home, which he did. I knew he was trying to get me upset, yet I got a kick out of the whole charade — him trying to make me jealous. He knew I was on to him.
I know I’m human and have weaknesses, so I don’t want to set myself up to feel like I’d be a total failure if I still have some limited contact with him at this point by phone. Many times I hang up on him when he calls with nonsense. I don’t shoot for perfection, just progress.
recovering… boundaries, as I have discovered here on LF, are so IMPORTANT I can’t even put it into words! Of course, I was so pathetic I never had any boundaries, but I do now! Your example is a good one of a sick SOB! I’m glad you’re on to him. I would not be able to have any contact, I wouldn’t want to, I’d just mail the checks to repay the loan and not answer his calls! There is no reason why any of us should put up with someone else’s crap! I put up with enough crap from myself, LOL. You’re right, it is an ongoing journey.