Reviewed by Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
Dr. Barbara Oakley is the author of Evil Genes—Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed, and My Sister Stole My Mother’s Boyfriend. Oakley’s resume reads like something out of a spy novel: She worked as a translator on Russian fishing trawlers during the Cold War, went from a private to an officer in the military, met her husband while working as a radio operator at the South Pole, and is now a professor of bio-engineering.
About this book, Gavin DeBecker writes, “Whatever you might believe about the role of genetics versus environment, Evil Genes will take you somewhere you haven’t been. Barbara Oakley brilliantly reveals the falseness of one of the ego’s little lies: That all our behavior is decided by us.”
Psychology Today writes “The author is successful at intertwining science with her family’s history ”¦ Oakley’s explanations are lucid, making Evil Genes and easy read even for those who need a refresher course on chromosomes, seratonin, and the amygdalae ”¦ From infamous dictators to conniving sisters, Machiavellians come in many shapes and sizes. Now we have some insight into what makes them tick.”
Like the previous book of Dr. Oakley’s that I reviewed, Cold-Blooded Kindness, this book was so interesting that I could hardly put it down, and I wore out another yellow highlighter marking especially interesting passages I wanted to review again.
Dr. Oakley’s sister, Carolyn, actually did steal her mother’s boyfriend, and was highly Machiavellian, probably psychopathic. Dr. Oakley personally and professionally “gets it” about toxic people. She focuses her book on the genetics plus the environments that make people with personality disorders “successful” or not so “successful,” by looking at various people, including her sister, Carolyn, as well as Mao, Stalin, the CEO of Enron, and Hitler. She looks at how their genetic tendencies and family histories folded together with environments that placed them at a juncture where they could blossom into the abusers on either a personal scale or a worldwide scale.
She looks at the way in which genes, and their variations, affect not only how we look, but how we react and think, how self-serving we are, or how altruistic we may be. She takes the very subjects that are discussed daily here at LoveFraud and puts them into scientific jargon, but in such a way that even if you had trouble in Mrs. Smith’s seventh-grade science class, you can still understand what she is talking about.
Dr. Oakley doesn’t just focus on the psychopaths, but on the personality disorders in general and the fact that “borderline,” “narcissistic,” “histrionic” and “antisocial” personality disorders overlap in such a way that they are more likely to be different points on a continuum rather than separate entities. She refers to the “total” personality disordered as the “successfully sinister” or “Machiavellian.” About trying to tell someone who has not been targeted by one, she says it is like:
trying to explain color to a blind person ”¦ People simply aren’t generally raised and educated to understand the small percentages of the population—some of whom are outwardly very successful—are quite capable of masking deeply disturbed personalities. Sometimes, sadly, the devastating reality of these “unfixable” personalities becomes clear only after marriage and children. (As relationship expert Russell Friedman once quipped: “You can’t love someone into mental health.”)
“I can’t believe there might be some kind of scientific explanation for this,” the have-dealt-withs tell me time after time, “I never even talk about it because no one would believe me.” Without knowledge of recent studies, people have little way of figuring out that their seemingly isolated experience was far more common than they’d realized.
There are few books that I have ever found as interesting as I have Dr. Barbara Oakley’s two books, and I am anxiously awaiting her latest book which is due to be published in August. Don’t let her “subtitle” to Evil Genes of “Why Rome fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed, and My Sister Stole My Mother’s Boyfriend” put you off or fool you. This is well researched and documented information about the “successfully sinister.” The book adds to the growing knowledge available to the public (not just the professionals) about the “psychopaths among us,” that will hopefully help educate the general public about how to spot toxic personalities and realize that they truly are “unfixable.
Like Gavin DeBecker, who had a mother who was personality disordered, Dr. Oakley had a sister who was personality disordered. She, like DeBecker, not only “gets it,” but knows how to present it so that others can “get it” from her writings. I highly recommend this work.
Evil Genes—Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed, and My Sister Stole My Mother’s Boyfriendis available on Amazon.com.
Lizzy, what ever happens, KEEP YER KOOL! Do not let them make you cry or scream.
Sit down and write out the answers to what they said….short and sweet. If necessary read them off at the hearing.
Win or lose…YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. It is frustrating to know that people lie like that, but you know the truth. It is still the TRUTH.
Ox-there documentation makes them smell like a rose and makes me out to be arrogant and paranoid-which ironically is a good description of at least half of their staff. I was told to stick to yes/no responses if at all possible and button my lip. There will be no losing my cool because I refuse to make myself look bad in this. I won’t even dignify what they say with a response. I am going to meet with the attorney early before the phone call and let her know which statements are false. She is also going to prepare me for what to do.
My stepmom spoke to one of the people from the insurance company who represents the hospital when she was out of town on business. This guy said that they want to try and get me to talk and go off so I will bury myself. Not gonna happen. I’m just really angry right now and I don’t want it to ruin my weekend. I can’t stop thinking about it now.
Lizzy,
I know it hurts to be invalidated, to have lies told, to seem to have those lies believed. Tues is your battle. Have a battle plan.
Ya know how during a code, ya don’t get all emotional do ya? Ya set aside your emotions and you focus on the job at hand. That’s what you have to do Tues. Just like a code has a procedure that gives you control and feedback loops, so must your battle plan on Tues.
One of the strongest tools I used during my spath family accusations was simple strong sentences. I did not elaborate. Simplicity means you will be heard. Long sentences gives too much for people to process. So keep your sentences short and sweet. State facts, not opinions. You need to give more than a different impression than what the lies imply, you want to PROVE control and competency. By your demeanor, it indicates to others that your accusers are the ones who are overemotional ball breakers.
When someone says a lie, and ONLY WHEN IT IS YOUR TURN TO SPEAK, have a short declaration. For example Mine was “that NEVER happened.” or “I never spoke those words”. “They inferred what I never implied” (a classy way of saying they lied.) NOTHING more unless asked to explain. If asked, keep short sentence of a FACT.
Please think about this, think about how you want to present yourself, as collected, cojent, classic. Simple and classic. A woman with quiet dignity who firmly says “that never happened.” (not raising your voice EVER)
The IMAGE you present of yourself in this hearing will be powerful communication.
All my best,
Sharon
Lizzy, Yep, KatyDid has it right….and I KNOW YOU CAN PULL IT OFF. Her analogy of a code is a good one. I know you can succeed in coming out of this with your dignity intact even if you lose, you can still lose with grace.
Lizzy
I hope this encourages you, but Katy and Ox are correct on this one.
My daughter was fired because she REFUSED to have sexual contact with her manager where she worked. so he started making up LIES and documenting them, timelines and such.
She filed for unemployment and i got her an attorney. The attorney was fantastic! she saw RIGHT THROUGH the lies. And as stated above, they went over each and every lie and my daughter was to respond calmly when asked and ONLY the facts.
Now, this is interesting, because during the hearing, the MANAGER AND HIS BOSS LOST THEIR COOL! LOL!!! They didn’t even MAKE it to the sexual harrassment part! It was so ridiculous.
Keep your cool. Look at what is being said, write down which of the things they’re sayign are LIES, counter that on paper with the truth. Take it to your attorney. See if you can get in a little earlier to go over it and strategize. I hope to God you got a good attorney chica, but it is so important for you to be as calm and cool as possible, stand ON YOUR TRUTH no matter the outcome!
LL
PS, Lizzy?
My daughter won her case and the unemployment 🙂
LL
Oxy is right about that too. IF YOU LOSE, you can lose with grace. Someone watching you do that will be impressed and you may be surprised what good comes from creating an impression of dignity under fire.
I just want this to be over already. At this point since I’ve been rejected for every single job, I won’t be surprised if I lose. My stepmom says I have a 50/50 chance based on what the guy told her because their success rate is 50%. I am scared that I won’t be able to be like Katy says. I don’t want to raise my voice and I don’t want to spend the whole weekend freakin out over this. I have too much stuff to get done. I won’t be surprised if I lose but I really need that money-BAD, so it will take some of the stress off of me.
Liizzy,
Many times the STRESS of NEEDING TO SUCCEED at something makes us NOT succeed because we get so nervous. So I want you to concentrate this weekend and Monday on SEEING yourself as a WINNER in this…..and also in realizing that win, lose or draw, you are GOING TO SURVIVE. Win is great, but lose is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. So don’t concentrate on thinking ab out “if I don’t get this then x, y and z bad things will happen.” and don’t concentrate on “if I win this then a, b and c good things will happen” just concentrate on, I AM GOING TO KEEP MY COOL AND DIGNITY NO MATTER WHAT.
YOU CAN DO IT!
I want to have grace under fire. It’s hard because I see those lies and then I start doubting myself-saying did I say? I don’t remember saying that. They twist things.
They said that I said-“you all have been out to get me all along”. What I said was-you know good and well that this is in retaliation over the HR complaint that I made against my supervisor for defamation.