Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Man, it bothers me that we as a society has regressed to the point such publications are necessary. Yet, as a male I feel the need to avail myself of such resources anyway. In my life I know that by living outside of the will of God and be doing that which my Lord does not condone, I open myself up for another lesson or set of lessons to learn!
Would I stay on the path, I’d not have to suffer such consequences for my poor choices. Nonetheless, the universe does offer correction and it appears perpetual.
While I don’t mind learning and growing, it seems in some ways I am retarded. However, when one considers the context, the society in which we live, it’s a wonder that more evil doesn’t occur.
The only thing that bothers me about this review is that the work appears to be rather sexist. I guess this is one to add to the feminist psychology literature. But that stuff doesn’t help women & men to relate, to unite, to form strong bonds and healthy relationships. My concern is that this book might add to the schism(s) between women & men and make it even harder for a woman to trust and to have a positive fulfilling relationship with a man.
Somehow, we’ve got to get back to the team work that prevailed between wife & husband BEFORE the early 20th century, before all the lies were spread that women were oppressed and men always oppressed women. There was more equality on the early American farm homestead than at any time since its demise in the last part of the 19th century when the Industrial Revolution kicked in and kicked families apart.
to gr8ful70x7
your comment is interesting. I am stuck with a possible sociopath. and i have struggled with the very same conflicts that you mention. it is perhaps the reason i am stuck. i start thinking about what people had to do during the Great depression to help others have a roof over their head. what amount of tolerance did people have. tolerance of being harmed by the person they were trying to help have shelter. putting up with it because one probably felt too guilty kicking someone out onto the streets where there were so many other already homeless people. the economy is bad right now. i can’t get myself to make ANOTHER person homeless. it reminds me of the whole thing where the women’s lib movement led women to do soul searching and find the perfect career, spending lots of time doing self help stuff, etc. when men have had to work, especially in hard times, they did not have the luxury of soul searching. it was find work or starve. sometimes i think too that people resort to bad behavior just to survive. lying about qualifications to get work so that the heat can stay on. also, how much of the behavior is actually do to satanic forces. I didn’t believe that stuff before…but i do now. the bad economy right now and health problems of me and those around me are really puting all this into a different perspective for me personally. And you have verbalized some thoughts i’ve been unable to verbalize. thank you
I would also recommend reading up on Abandon-oholics… if you are one This web site says something VERY VERY significant to the admonition to ‘listen to your gut.’
How about following your gut?
If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.
Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.
If you are a vulnerable person, your gut is flawed in the first place. That’s why websites like LoveFraud are so INVALUABLE!
Has anyone else experienced their sociopath conning a therapist or doctor/psychologist to try and keep them in relationship– as part of their deceit? i do not know if I can get over this part. If he could con a 60 year old psychiatrist– imagine how easy it was to con me? And then when he was “done” with me– the sweet girl working in a nursing home– he played “vicim” to me by crying and going to the therapist and telling him how mean I was and that he just could not take it any longer!!!
Dear Fighter–
Amazing– what I just read from your post.
I am adopted and this man knew of my traumatic past/severe abandonments. Unfortunately he used them to help keep me in his web.
will I ever get over being attracted to the unavailable?
MIRRIOR effect The Con ! and THE HOOK! They are all so much alike and all (our) stories are all the same just different game pieces ! LOVE jere
the opposite of LOVE is use not hate !
OH MY I was adopted as well and my ex used that against me too. Said no one wanted me because of the way I am…and what not. All because I didnt wnat to take his crap anymore. I just thought that was cruel and uncalled for. I now know both my biological and ofcourse adopted parents and both sets are wonderful people. Theses s/p can just be so mean with things they say…so why do we want to still be there in it? I once told him to not even come to my house…he leaves in another state and his reply was I wouldnt come to that lame place ever again…but still wants to get married and be a family..???? um am I missing something????
“Has anyone else experienced their sociopath conning a therapist or doctor/psychologist… ”
Oh yeah. Classic ploy. Narcissists and Sociopaths are both absolutely in their element when they’re swimming in drama. Sometimes the first clue that you have a problem with them is when people come up to you and ask how you could possibly be so cruel to them. They will actually start generating public sympathy against you BEFORE they sucker punch you!
Consider this: If they can fool you, why would you be surprised that they can fool mental health professionals, pastors, judges, police officers…yada, yada, yah.
By the time you consider trying to get help to deal with the problems the Sociopath or Narcissist has created, you may already have lost your reputation to their pretensions of victimization.
If I were you, I’d look at this phenomenon in a positive light. The sociopath/narcissist has fooled some pretty smart people, so you’re in good company. Sociopaths/Narcissists don’t bother to fool people they see as no challenge or having nothing to offer. It’s a kind of compliment that your Sociopath bothered with you, possibly the only sincere compliment he’ll ever offer.
“Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals. ”
With me it was simply a good old fashioned Methodist background. We’re supposed to police our own behavior and question our own motives, constantly trying to be better Christians. We’re not supposed to scrutinize others. We’re supposed to accept them as they are and try to help them any way we can.
Now I try to remember to ask myself what I think of the people I encounter. It takes a conscious effort. From time to time I realize I’m acting like a doormat again, and I give myself a swift kick in the pants! People don’t have to be Sociopaths to whipe their feet on a doormat. It’s normal behavior. “Don’t be a doormat!” I remind myself several times a month.