Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Oxdrover and Eliz–
I cannot thank you enough for your posts. i will be reading them and rereading them FOR SURE.
I feel support! I can’t thank you enough.
Akita
Elizabeth
conley–
you see– YOU PICKED up on the fact that no– we were NOT MARRIED AND yes– I have figured out that seeing this doc together was the biggest way he manipulated me. I TRUSTED THE DOCTOR. He was seeing him– folks paying for it. I should have known there but he cried “victim” of an alcoholic/abusive family.
Anyway– you see– you picked up on it- and the psychologist did not??
I hope you make more money that he does.
Akitameg,
You’re welcome. I can see you are going through a rough patch right now. I hope things get much better soon.
Gemini Fairy – “specific temperament traits that are in many women…”
It’s only sane to ask, “How do I end up in these silly situations?”
Since becoming more aware through this blog, I’ve been absolutely stunned by how strong my drive to make “everyone happy all the time” is. It really cuts into my productivity and effectiveness. It makes me stressed out, and it often drives my beloved husband absolutely nuts! We have conversations that sound like those cartoon chipmunks, Chip and Dale. “What to you want to do? No, What do YOU want to do? Well, whatever makes you happy…, No, I asked you what YOU want, I want a straight answer!!!” That last bit is him, getting annoyed. It’s just as bad with the kids. We took a short holiday this weekend, and as I watched myself in action, I was amazed at how much I worried about making each member of the family happy, happy, happy 24/7. When I thought one of them wasn’t, I became very anxious. Boy, I’m gonna have to get a grip here. Luckily my husband and children are kind and gentle, but this behavior of mine does explain why exploitive people in various organizations love to toy with my marbles. It’s so darned EZ!
Trinity–
Two books that helped me a bit
“High Risk” and
“People of the Lie”
”toy with my marbles” — that’s HYSTERICAL! never heard it before. gonna bite it!
ughh–
I sooo believe and respect what two of you have said about me not writing the psychologist that he has also conned.
For some reason– I have become obsessed with it again tonite.
it is like being raped– worse actually. I want the cops to know who did it. I want the shrink to know that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE as the S made a smear campaign the day he was done with me.
And the mask of sanity to come off.
Maybe I will write a letter than I never send.
How am I supposed to live with all of the evil and the evil secrets that ONLY I know.
Thinking of talking with a priest soon.
This is sooooo unfair. if someone stole a tube of toothpaste they could be prosecuted. My life? My health?
Hi all…
This post is interesting as just today, while teaching at the gym, one of my participants whom I used to run with asked me if I ‘ever ended up dating THAT guy?” I had talked to her about ‘him’ in our VERY VERY VEEERRRRYYYYY early stages of being in a ‘relationship’ as we were on long runs together.
This caught me off guard, 1. because she remembered our talks 🙂 and 2. because I remember telling her bizarre things he was saying/doing AT THAT TIME that didn’t stop me from persuing the relationship!
I told her he is a sociopath and I asked her ‘wasn’t he doing strange things then (3 years ago) that I was talking to you about?” Her response….”yes, he sounded crazy.”
WHY DIDNT I LISTEN!!! I can vividly remember our runs, one in particular, where I was telling a story that JUST DIDNT SOUND RIGHT and asking her ‘dont you think thats weird?” You see, I know I KNEW something was ‘off’ the day we met…and I continued to KNOW things were ‘off’ as I checked my perceptions agains others. I just dont KNOW why I stayed…and actually feel sorta goofy ‘processing’ everything that’s happened…as if I didn’t already KNOW on some level he was ‘crazy.”
robxsykobabe – so why do you think you pursued it?
Robx-
This was and at times still is an interesting stage/phase/process along the healing path.
I found myself drawn with curiosity and shellshocked with him sometimes. And sometimes I refused to believe it was the “real him” – surely he was joking – playing games – really not meaning what he says/does… WRONG
Also it shows just how little I believed in my instincts …how little I trusted myself and what little strength and tools I had in handling something uncomfortable for me back then. I stayed thinking nobody could REALLY be that way for real…. false hope kept me there too…that he would change.
Lots of valid and in hindsight valuable information I learned about myself during this stage of the healing process. How to not only notice the red flags = but now act on them. How to practice and always keep in place my self-trust and self-worth and self-respect (self-everything) because when Im in tune with that – I can easily process someone who is not now– not only with themself but toward me.
Also, I think didnt want my fantasy of who I thought he was, what I thought we had to be ruined by reality. It wasnt until I forced myself to accept the reality of his personality, his lack of self-everything, his disrespect and inability to take anything seriously — that I was able to no longer stay — because I finally saw I was with someone who was toxic to me – and most anybody who crossed his path – and chose to not address the uncomfortable oddities about him – until they too get burned by him.
Dear R-babe,
We SEE these RED FLAGS, even without any “training” or “education” about psychopaths, they strike our gut somehow and it goes “ZING! danger, danger” but because there are other things about them that are APPEALING, we tell our gut to “shut up” because if we LISTENED, we would break off the relationship.
As the relationship grows, we keep getting these signals but we keep smacking the signals down!
The thing I think I learned is that I have to SET BOUNDARIES and then when ANYONE crosses one of these “deal killers” (no matter WHO they are or how much I have “invested” in them) I have to DISENGAGE MYSELF from these people ENTIRELY.
Now, there are things we have to take NOTE of, and there are DEAL KILLERS. We have to look within ourselves in ANY relationship and weigh the RISK vs BENEFIT of that relationship, just like a BUSINESS venture. What are we getting out of it that is positive and what are we having to “pay” for that positive benefit. Is it a worthwhile investment.
The DEAL KILLERS for relationships that I have set for myself with people within my CIRCLE OF TRUST—whether they are co-workers and I have to “get along” with them to keep my job, etc. is that I don’t let them hook into me or stay hooked into me EMOTIONALLY and TRUST them if they violate ANY ONE of the DEAL BREAKERS.
DEAL BREAKER #1) LIES #2) ANY sign of dishonesty or cheating on a spouse #3) not being generally RELIABLE #4) HISTORY of serious law breaking of any kind (not that people can’t reform after crime, but I don’t want to risk getting emotionally involved with a former felon) #5) a person who is chronically rude or hateful to others #6) DRUG or alcohol problems
Those are just MY “deal breakers” and they are pretty stringent as far as I am concerned. Anyone who lies and steals, is a chronic cheat on their spouse (I realize that sometimes even a good person can do this ONCE) etc. are not the kind of person I want to be closely involved with.
I now LISTEN to my gut and when I spot a RED FLAG, I STOP, LOOK and LISTEN and then I ACT on it. I distance myself from this person at least emotionally.
I realize we have to live in a world where there are people around us, living next door, in the market, at work, etc. that we do not want to become involved with any more than we have to be, and we can’t go live on a desert Island to get away from them, but we don’t have to let them into our CIRCLE of TRUST and embrace them, OR give them a chance to wound us.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Predators give off signals most of the time, so when we get that “gut feeling”–STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN and then ACT to keep yourself safe.