Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
bluejay, I don’t know what to believe YET. They still haven’t found a body or body parts washed ashore anywhere. Not a bone, not a skull, nothing. I’m sitting back watching this fiasco. And, what’s up with the law enforcement in these countries hating Americans? Oh, yes, come to our countries spend your money, but don’t expect us to allow you to be safe.
Anyway, this Kook can be a scape goat to focus on and not look into the black market of sex slaves.
Wini,
For quite a while, I have suspected Joran Van der Sloot of harming Natalee Holloway. I figure that he killed her, dumped her body in the ocean, and her body (if it had blood on it) could have been eaten by a shark. If you’re saying that she could have been kidnapped and sold as a sex slave (I hadn’t considered this possibility), how awful for any person to endure that hell. What man will do to his fellow man sometimes is astounding and disturbing.
bluejay, I am praying you are right. I can’t help thinking there is something more sinister going on with pretty Natalie than meets the eye. She’s the girl next door, blond haired American beauty. The other girl was an exotic Latina beauty who most likely would have disappeared, but probably fought them off and lost her life in doing so.
Without a body, I wouldn’t give up looking for her. I just hope law enforcement in the USA doesn’t close the file on this type of disappearing issue.
Peace.
About Joran—
On a Peruvian newspaper website I found a criminal atty states he believes it may take 2 to 2 and one-half years until trial, and Joran will be sent to prison to await trial. (1 of the possible prisons named is notoriously horrific—didn’t even have to google it–it’s that bad)
(Also found some concern Joran’s case may be used as political football given Stephany’s dad is a [minor]politician–so for good or bad this could be a factor)
Also found a recent article there regarding psychcopaths. A prominent Peruvian psychologist, called a “specialist”, Dr. Carmen Gonzalez, states she believes:
(I roughly translated the article and paraphrased where not in quotes)
There are genetic factors…but she believes the *major* factor is their early home life…concluding that “cruelty is home grown.” (comes from the home/early childhood)
Continuing…
1. Psychopaths are the result of loss of maternal love in early childhood, causing children to construct a false self to hide their impulses, frustrations; they later exploit their false self.
2. There are 2 types of psychopaths–the “extreme” type–murderers, serial rapists, etc.
The other type she calls “everyday” ones–who act out “with their spouse, family, children, and in the workplace.” Dr. Gonzalez states for those pyschopaths, “the value of others is non-existant. They treat people as disposable objects. They have no morals or feelings of guilt. Everything they do is for their own benefit, and if they appear generous it’s because they are ‘investing’. They can have adapted behavior; as such it’s difficult to identify them, and they have the ability to be convincing.”
And…
“There are no known therapies. Rorchach can identify psychopathic defenses and traces in order to treat them as children and adolescents.”
Dr. Gonzalez stated it’s “very important to know” that those who associate with psychopaths “can be women who are quite naive, childlike or have very low self-esteem.”
Glad to see the distinction Dr. Gonzalez makes between serial killers and “everyday” psychopaths. And that she considers the role of genetics, although asserting it most often arises from childhood.
I would consider myself to have been very naive when I met my spath ex-husband (a clinical psycholgist). And I had very low self-esteem. But don’t believe that is true of every woman who gets tangled up with a spath.
My dad’s mom died when he was almost 3; she’d been in the hospital on and off since he was born. Doubt any mother/child bond was established. He fits the profile of a spath.
But my sister does as well, is an extreme spath, and our mom was in the home, and was loving and maternal. So not sure what to make of that…except my mom did tell me once that one day she “realized I’d been leaving (sister) in the playpen too much, I was too busy with you other kids. So I got her out and put the playpen away.” Don’t know if that was enough to prohibit bonding—my sister was about 12-15 months old I think.
No answers–would my dad have been a spath if his mom hadn’t been gone/died? His dad wasn’t a spath, and my dad’s older sisters (ages 5 and 10 when my dad was born) were both great; his mom was described as being “warm, loving, always laughing, sunny disposition.”
Wini—regarding sex slavery: I met an American woman who’d attended university in Madrid in the early 80s. One of her friends there was the daughter of a US Senator. The friend was kidnapped and found just as she was about to be smuggled out of Spain and into North Africa. Nothing was in the press in the US or Spain, and the Senator’s connections were what saved her. She was a victim of sex traffickers. As soon as she was found she returned to the US and never finished her studies in Madrid.
In that same time period I lived in a port city (Las Palmas) in the Canary Islands, where articles appeared regularly in the local newspapers about sex slavery, and where several northern European women (over a period of time) had simply disappeared while on vacation there, never to be heard from again.
I was warned to stay away from certain parts of the island. At that time there was much-publicized investigation (in Europe)into a triangle of sex slavery–believed to be France (Marseilles), Canary Islands (Las Palmas), and somewhere in the Middle East. Until shortly before I moved there from France I had no idea sex slavery (called white slavery in the press) even existed. A Paris-based friend who is an investigative journalist was assigned to write an article on the triangle a few weeks before I moved—he strongly advised me not to go.
So when I heard about Natalie and sex-slavery theories I thought it possible. But agree with bluejay that it’s more likely she was killed. The white-slavery rings are too highly organized for a low-life scumbag like Joran to be involved with, and many other vacationing women would have to be missing in order for that to be a realistic scenario.
And Wini, I did see and experience some awfully strange and frightening stuff while living in Las Palmas. At that time *something* was definately going on there. No idea if that ring was eventually busted up. Hope so.
Wini and CAmom,
I have to get ready for work, so I don’t have a lot of time. Bits and pieces that I’ve picked up over the years (about the Holloway disappearance) by way of various news sources, led me to suspect Van der Sloot – he always seemed so unemotional in t.v. clips that you’d see him on (unaffected by what was going on in the moment for himself). The stories that you’d hear about him didn’t give the picture of a person with good character, more like having a criminal bent. When I look at pictures of him, it looks like there’s something missing from him (a void), not a lot of depth beneath the surface (if that makes sense). This doesn’t prove anything. He looks and sounds like someone I wouldn’t want my sister, daughter, etc. to get near.
Wini and CAmom,
I saw a picture of Van der Sloot’s mom (from an interview that was done with her husband years ago) – she looked like she’s had a hard time, her face speaking volumes. That poor woman. I don’t know what she’s endured in her lifetime. She probably knows that her son is “not right”, beyond her help. What she must be going through now I can only imagine. I feel for her. Tragic.
bluejay and CAmom, now it makes sense to me why this investigation finally got some meat to it … being that Stephany’s dad is a politician. They (the politicians) all stick together. Notice how everyone ignored Holloway’s mom’s plead. She must have spent her life savings paying for the media to constantly broadcast her plea. Not that the media didn’t make big bucks off the Holloway family’s misery.
So, this kid could be just a kook, taking his aggressive failures in life on women.
CAmom, I agree that childhood plays some role in why Spaths become Spaths, but we shouldn’t focus on blaming the parental figures, siblings etc. as the entire reason why Spaths are created because Spaths, as with everyone, are responsible for their thoughts, words, actions in life. Yet, we all know on this site (LOL), the Spaths that destroyed our lives never accept responsibility. I do believe that jealousy (envy) plays a major role in blinding the Spath from early childhood. Never learning how to get rid of their anger issues over perceived or real violations. Not riding this first injury allows the injury to fester as the Spath goes through the cycles of life experiences. It’s as if they keep this hidden score board and no one knows that there is scoring being conducted, not to mention, how we are being scored for anything we do. I would guess they are the ultimate in the Win/Loose personalities. They will always win and everyone/anyone looses. Never to comprehend that there is other mindsets out there … of win/win.
Peace.
Dear CAmom,
I was in Europe and Africa in the mid 1960s (doing wild life photography) and boy was I naive! We were a group of Americans traveling by private plane and even though everyone except me was an experienced world traveler, there were some “interesting” episodes, one in the Sudan where a minor local official tried to buy me from my P-sperm donor, but from that experience and hearing about others, I did learnn about “white slavery” of women and children being taken and sold for harems and “sex workers.”
I imagine it has ALWAYS gone on, especially in those areas, and goes on TODAY as well in areas where there is money to be made from it, and women and children are generally viewed as possessions for men by the predominant culture.
Stephany and Natalie both were very naive young women to go off with some boy they didn’t know alone and thinking that this was safe and also exciting, being way too trusting, and it cost them their lives. Of course lots of young women have done the same things and NOT been murdered, but if it is YOU that picks wrong, you don’t get any second chances to learn.
So it is up to us to teach our youth that there is EVIL in this world and that they should be cautious—but not all will listen. I’ve been warned about particular psychopaths and I didn’t listen and I was an ADULT. Fortunately I never ended up like Stephany or Natalie but I COULD have!
OxDrover,
What a life you’ve had! You must write a book, no joke! I agree that Stephany and Natalie should not have gone off with Joran (a stranger) – they obviously didn’t suspect that this average-looking person had a dark side, paying a huge price, their lives. You’re right about communicating (really stressing) to our youth about what kinds of people are on this planet, that there are people (who look like you and me), willing to carry out wicked, evil deeds (eg. rape, murder, theft, etc.) in our world. Always err on the side of caution.
Wini and Bluejay,
Saw a mug shot of Joran–taken either in Chile or Peru (no caption)–he looks horrible, huge dark circles under his eyes, appears *much* older than he is. And he looks unaffected, blank. (That void you mention, Bluejay)
No, he’s not someone I’d want around anyone I cared about, not around anyone period! Don’t believe in the death penalty; but life in prison may be worse…
Read that Joran’s mom is devastated. I remember photos of her back then too, she did look physically and emotionally wrecked. To know your child isn’t right and there’s nothing you can do is horrible. And I don’t think her husband was quite right either. She looked beaten down, wore out. Can only imagine what life was/is like for her.
The fact Stephany’s dad is politically connected–what irony. Joran had ‘home court advantage’ before; now his victim’s family will. Her dad’s political activities–could be good, and could be bad–some feelings in Peru the case might be used to settle scores–chance for enemies to retaliate against the dad; chance for dad to retaliate against his enemies. Horrible travesty if justice for Stephany gets lost in political power plays.
Wini–I hear you on childhood and know there’s no definitive answer on what makes a spath–the old nature vs nurture debate. Tend to think it’s more nature than nurture…not necessarily genetics, although no doubt genetics are involved, but so too is some sort of brain disorder. And I don’t blame/fault anyone with a spath family member. I know extreme abuse in childhood often results in adults with all kinds of issues, from garden variety neurosis to (possibly) spathiness, but we’re all responsible for our actions nonetheless. Not sure spaths understand that concept as they deny everything if possible, and if caught at something, tend to blame their victim. And the early jealousy/anger/injury angle is a good insight also. Can see that at work in my dad, my sister, and my ex.
Interesting observation about score-keeping and they don’t see win/win as an option, they can’t comprehand that, see no value in that. Really distorted outlook on life–no nuances, nothing except winners and losers (who *they* consider winners and losers by their twisted standards) and doing whatever they want with no thought for anyone else. My sister is extremely successful, but the cost to others for her to be where she is now is revolting and scary. Huge number of people she’s left damaged, and more to come. I think tenacity is a good quality, but in a spath–no! They are relentless. The only ‘good’ spath is a lazy to the point of catatonic spath : )