Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
I can relate to the devestation of Joran’s mother, and she has my complete sympathy and understanding. When you realize that your son that you love is TRULY a monster and that there is little or no chance that it is a “mistake” then you enter the GATES OF HELL!
At first you don’t want to believe (denial) then you start to SEE and it is too painful, so you bargain with God and the Universe “Oh, maybe it isn’t true! Please God make it not true” and then you wish you could change places with the mother of the dead girl, you wish the community would come together to support you and yoiu could bury your child and know that they were not suffering any more—but your child is in a prison with HORRIBLE CRIMINALS who will hurt him, and there is nothing you can do to protect him. You go to sleep worrying about him, and you dream about him, and you wake up dreaming about him and worrying.
I empathize with Joran’s mother totally because I have been there. The world condemns her because “she raised a monster” like it is her fault—not taking into consideration that he had CHOICES. My guess is too, that his father was probably a P and that Joran’s mother has been LIVING IN HELL for a long time, but is really going to go DEEPER into hell now unless she can realize the TRUTH, the truth that her son is a psychopathic monster. Even then it will be difficult for her to detach, painful for her to detach–but there IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT FIREY realization and detaching from them.
I think that Joran is probably off the streets for good and is going to be locked away in a prison in Peru for a long time to come, so that’s at least a good thing. I pray for his mother and that she can find peace in her own life.
Oxy–Wow! Agree with Bluejay–write a book!
I was a very trusting traveler too and could easily have ended up a statistic many, many times. Usually traveled alone, still usually travel alone. Got stranded in a small town in Baja California once for a couple of weeks. A contingent of Americans working for Texas Instruments was there–contracted by Pemex to look for oil off the Pacific…long story short I trusted them. And went with one of the guys about my age to an isolated beach for the afternoon. He tried to SELL ME to some fishermen. It was the most helpless feeling…he wouldn’t let me talk, so I looked on as they negotiated and debated. The men decided the price was more than they wanted to pay. Honestly thought I would die, that he would kill me and no one would ever know.
Had no clue he was nuts. He was really polite, had those southern manners, etc. Then snapped. Strongly agree we need to share stories and teach youth what can and does happen.
Dear Oxy,
Your post made me cry. That’s a lonely place to be–the parent of the perp. And to feel judged, condemned. And to worry about your child when no one else is. Very sorry you lived through that, and very happy you came out on the other side intact.
My daughter is autistic. Not all that long ago autism was blamed on the mother–she must have done something wrong. My daughter was born when that belief was coming to an end, but before the autism awareness we have now. Even knowing it “wasn’t my fault”–I still felt guilty. Did I not take enough vitamins? Eat right? Not get to her in time when she cried? On and on and on. Took a really long time to lose the guilt–and think there may be a bit of it still, even though I know better.
It’s not even close to what you went through. I’m so sorry, for you, and for all the forgotten, tormented moms.
Dear CAmom,
The summer of 1981 after my divorce in 1980, I took my kids and we traveled and camped the three of us all over the north western states for the entire summer. It never dawned on me that we would be in any kind of danger that I couldn’t handle! DUH!!!! (remember that mother and daughter and daughter’s friend who were killed in the what was it, Yellow stone? and put in the trunk of her car?
The ONLY close call I had that I knew of was when we were camping on a very remote river in Wyoming and two oil rig workers drove by in the middle of the afternoon fishing. They cvame back about an hour or so before dark and were talking to us. I have always carried a pistol on my trips alone (still do) and had my .38 on my belt under my sweater but it was obvious what it was. They were drunk, the older one more than the younger one, but the older guy kept asking to “see” my gun, and I kept saying “No” and I was gathering wood for a fire and he went to “help” and ikept tryhing to get on my right side where the gun was and I kept turning it away from him.
They finally left about mid night that night and the younger guy told me he would “check on you in the morning and make sure you are okay.” Well, by DAY LIGHT we were packed and on the road.
You know, even with all the travel I had done, and having lived in Los Angeles CA you would have thought at 30+ years old I would have had better sense than I apparently did! I think God protected me from my own stupidity.
My little pistol has saved my “bacon” on 3 occasions, once when I broke down on the side of a freeway on Sat. night with a friend in the days before cell phones!!!
I no longer am trusting with strangers, though if I see a woman broken down on the side of the road I will pull over and see if she has a phone to call someone, but I advise her to get back into her car and LOCK THE DOORS and wait for help to come that she has called. If she doesn’t have a cell phone I will call for her but not let her into my car. I may even pull up and wait in my car WITH THE DOORS LOCKED until a cop or tow truck arrives, and then drive away, but In the past, I would have jumped out to help her, or taken her into my car. NOT ANY MORE.
I don’t pull over at night at all for anyone, though I will call 911 and report to the highway police that there is a car broken down on the side of the road at Mile marker X.
As for you being in Baja and the guy trying to sell you, OMG! I have been there so many times, and I used to love it there, but the way things are in Mexico now, I would not go to Mexico at all now. I no longer go on “unscheduled road trips” alone, I don’t usually drive alone after dark any more (we have lots of natural gas drilling in our area now and lots of “oil field trash” in the area) and I am armed even here on the farm or in the car if I am traveling. I always carry some cash, and a charged cell phone as well.
Actually, looking back over my life I think I must be feline because I have sure had “9 lives” and I think I’ve used up 8 of them!!! So I am being careful and cautious, but I REFUSE to live in terror!!!
Dear Oxy,
Yep, have gun, will travel! (have a .38 too–2 of them in fact) The incident you refer to happened in my part of CA–Yosemite National Park. Still talked about up there…
I had a lot of close calls. None as dumb as going to the beach with a stranger (I did learn something!) but just the perils of being young and alone and on foreign soil. I hate that women are prey, but have accepted it. Men are also, but not as much as women. So have had many, many, many close calls. Even though I was careful.
And I’m very careful at home too, but, like you, refuse to live in terror. A lot of people don’t like guns, but one career criminal told me decades ago he and his buddies liked that–and considered *anyone* who didn’t own a gun a *chump.*
My dad (retired cop) actually gave me my 1st gun, one of his old service revolvers. Hope to never use a gun, but glad I have a couple and know how to use them properly.
And I must be on my “9th life” too! LOL!
Dear CA MOM,
I just recently got the BESt home defense gun I have ever heard of. It is a Tarus Judge–heavy pistol and I got the 6 inch barrel because it kicks a bit less than the 3 inch one, but too big to carry either one, but shoots .410 shell home defense load (four 9 mm pellets) or it shoots .45 long-colts ammunition. I keep it loaded with the .410 loads because it makes sure it won’t shoot THROUGH walls, but at close range (where else are you going to shoot for home defense but at close range?) it is EL PERFECTO and even with only 5 rounds you have 20 projectiles and you aren’t going to miss with shotgun shells even at 5-8 yards which is where you would most likely be shooting from. Even at 15 yards the pattern would be more than close enough to stop a man.
I keep it on my bed, under my Bible! The .38 travels well and I have two of them as well. My sons like semi-automatic pistols but I’d rather have a revolver as I trust them more and if an auto jammed I’m not sure I’d react fast enough. The down side of a revolver is I have not found a red dot laser site that works well on one that I can afford. I bought one and it was a waste of money, couldn’t get it to mount right. For nights that would be great.
Yea, I think we both need to take care of ourselves, that we are probably on our last “lives” LOL
Dear Oxy,
I’m in awe! You really know your guns! I’ll look into the Taurus you mention. It sounds very accurate–a .38 even at close range, because no doubt I’d be trembling, is no guarantee I’d be ‘on target.’ My dad and my uncle (a Constable and rancher) both prefer revolvers because of the jamming problem. I keep a gun at hand, on my bed, at night too.
My dad’s old service revolver is a longer barreled Colt .38, more accurate than the short barrel Taurus .38 I have. I hope no one finds these gun posts upsetting. You grew up in the country I think? And I spent all summers and week-ends and my sophomore year of high school on my uncle’s ranch. Since he was the only “lawman” up there in the mountains he felt he (and my aunt and me) was a target (no pun intended!) and wanted me to be able to protect myself. There were guns hidden all over the house and barn. I think when you grow up with guns, and have seen them used and cared for with caution, you have a different attitude about them.
And I lived in the mountains off and on as an adult too. Now I live in gangland, so while the critters are different, they’re still a threat.
Like the time the rattlesnake…and then there was that rabid skunk…and that poor cow we had to put down…and can’t forget the squirrel-for-dinner-hunting! (Seriously–my uncle was a combo of Grizzly Adams and the Marlboro Man–eating rodents? Hell yes! And you better clean your plate!)
And on that note…gotta go bottle feed kitten formula to a couple of tiny motherless kittens who are demanding to be fed!
CAmom and OxDrover,
You both should write books, each one of you having an interesting and compelling story to tell!
OxDrover, a possible title for your autobiography could be, Nine Lives (and counting): A Woman’s Journey through the Minefield of Sociopathy. I’m sure that you could come up with a better, more appropriate title.
I really hope that people would show compassion toward Joran Van der Sloot’s mother, knowing that she needs help at this time of her life.
Dear Bluejay,
Actually that’s a great title! Not sure I could live up to the writing though! I’ve done a couple of local history books and am actually embarassed to claim them now, writing is difficult!!! It is work. I admire those that do it for a living. I doubt that there will be a lot of compassion for the woman. Scot Peterson’s mother I think is a P herself, from what I have read she seems to have a great many of the traits.
Yea CA mom, definitely. I also have one of those Tarus .38s as my colt detective (short barrell) special got to be worth more $$ than to be treated Like I treat a travel gun, so My son got me the Tarus 38 so if I ever have to use one (you never get them back) it would be a cheaper one, plus not so much holster wear on the other one.
I’m not a big gun “collector,” just those 3 pistols and my grandpa’s old double 20 g and a muzzle loader rifle and a navy 1851 muzzle loader 6 shot pistol, that’s my entire collection. The boys have more but even they aren’t like big collectors, and we have reloading stuff for all the guns we have so we can afford to shoot. Ammo is very expensive now.
I’m a self taught “instinctive” shooter, just learned it as a kid never even thought about how I did it, so maintain reasonable accuracy without a lot of practice. Don’t hunt any more as we don’t need the meat.
I don’t think I could live in gang-land, I get paranoid and antsy when I go visit my best friend in town and she lives on a quiet street in a quiet texas town very little crime etc. I used to live in L.A. and never worried and in Dallas and Miami (I did get paranoid there!@.......) but now I like the quiet of the country.
I’ve been reading some things about the healing power of “silence” and “quiet” and “solitude”–though actually there are lots of SOUNDS at night here, the frogs, crickets, circadia, coyotes, etc. actually quite loud at times. But it is relaxing sounds not potential threats.
I like having my son live here even when he is gone a lot or like now, off the place working for several weeks, he’s a great room mate and if he gets married or takes off for other parts I will probably see if I cant find a roommate–sexual orientation and gender don’t matter– not looking for a partner, just a roomie. I have several friends that might be compatible roomies. Actually if my son C hadn’t lied to me (in December and I sent him packing for the lie) he was a great roomie, helped out around the place with his share of housework and yard work and all that. My place is big enough too that there’s plenty of space inside and outside for adults living together, so you don’t get under each other’s skin.
My son D’s friends like to come up on weekends, and If we’re doing something, I’ll put them to work! Treat them like my kids–if you eat here and I need something done, get yer butt movin! First time you’re a guest, after that, you’re family.