Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
erin1972, Henry, Ox, CAMom & Rosa:
You know, I also have a gun. I’ve got a Walther P22 .38 pistol. It has a red laser beam too. Can’t miss! I find shooting at the range is great therapy. Plus I feel that American Citizens we have the right to bear arms. I live alone. I have no dog. I feel safe knowing I can handle myself should the situation arise.
I applaud you Iwonder for packin a gun AND KNOWING HOW TO USE IT…I am afraid society is going to explode and we may need to defend what little food we have………………~~~!!!!!!!!
OxDrover,
I just read 2 of your posts about your son…. wow. I just want to say, that I have A LOT to learn from your story.
I sometimes fear that my son with be a sociopath. At 1 year, he shows genuine attachment to me, cuddles with me, likes to drink his bottle with me, crys out to me when I’m around him, is happy when I’m near…
But, one of my worst fears is going through what you went through.
Could you tell early on that your son was a sociopath???
Henry, load those balls with something besides paint! LOL
I am not one of the newly emerging group of “survivalists” that are mid way between the right wing radicals living in bunkers and the “save your confederaste money boys, the south’s gonna rise again,” but fairly NORMAL people are realizing that our way of life can’t go on forever and each of us should be somewhat self sufficient, YET COOPERATIVE! Go green! The old Boy Scout motto BE PREPARED!!!
I believe no matter where you live, you should keep at least a month or two’s supplies of dried staples (rice and beans folks) and some WATER put away for earthquake, invasion, tornado, floods, or whatever happens. I remember in 1971 when we were in Los Angeles when the big earthquake in Feb hit (I was 8 months preg) bread went to 4 x the normal price in 24 hours, and so on. It never hurts to BE PREPARED with food and water stored. Especially if you live in an area that is prone to earthquake or other kinds of storms. Keep some CASH on hand too, keep your car tank FULL all the time, have a “rush and ready” bag handy in case you have to grab it and GO—with extra medications for at least a few days, copies of importnat papers, shot records for kids, a couple of changes of clothes. Most of us have never been through a major emergency, but just like lyou carry a jack in your car and a spare tire for emergencies, IT IS BEST TO BE PREPARED.
You may keep a fire extinguisher jin your kitche ( I do) and a huge box of baking soda for grease fires (I do) and hope you never need it but still it is an “insurance policy” in case you need it.
Same way with the gun, it is my “insurance jpolicy” that I will not be caught off guard witout any defenses. I hope I never need it AGAIN but if I do it is my best friend! I’d carry a cop, but they are WAY TOO HEAVY (too many donuts!) and WHEN SECONDS count, help is only MINUTES AWAY!
I also have an emergency medical kit in each vehicle, a few tools, a space blanket, etc. Never know when you might need them.
BTW–today I went outside to blow the leaves etc off the front porch and I have a big cast iron bell on the front porch, there was a wasp inside with a nest and I pithed her off, And I am VERY ALLERGIC to them. I KNEW WHERE MY KIT WAS AND IT WAS IN ARM’S REACH—got one in every building on the farm, and in each car glove compartment of every vehicle! I got stung twice in the face, and had my needle in my leg in less than a half a minute! Only been stung (this is 3rd time in last 30 years) infrequently, but it only takes once to do you in if you don’t take care of it!
I think maybe today was my 8 th and a half life, ErinB—getting close! LOL BUT I’m prepared!!!!
Dear Purewaters,
DO not worry yet! Okay? Love your son and be there for him 24/7, also get on Dr. Liane Leedom’s web site “raisingn the at risk child” ORDER HER BOOK, “Just like his father.” She will have another one out soon.
It IS somewhat genetic but ALSO environmental too. I didn’t see ANY problem with my son til one episode at age 11, then when he hit puberty he did a 180 degree turn and became a monster.
I’m fasr from the only one here who has a P kid or one that has some P tendencies, Gemini has two daughters (40+) that were monsters by teenaged years, Witsend does as well, her son is 17 and morphed a couple of years ago. Some of them start acting out EARLy (I am a retired medical and mental health professional) at 8-10-12 yrs, but others don’t show up til puberty. It is difficult to tell what is “normal rebellion” and what is psychopathic acting out. Believe me, I keept hoping that it was just teenaged crap, but it got worse and worse untikl he was in prison for a felony robbery at 18, then back in prison at 20 for murder. STILL I didn’t give up. I didn’t acknowledge I couldn’t help him and he wasn’t going to help himself. He also KNEW HOW TO CON ME. I finally wised up!
LEARN everything you can about parenting, development stages of children, and give your child love, direction and acceptance—the rest is up to him. HE has choices ande he may choose to walk the dark side, but at that point all you can do is to WALK AWAY and let him go. It IS HARD! But I wish I had known then what I know now.
In the meantime though DO NOT WORRY OR FRET ABOUT IT just be the best parent you can be and that is ALL you can do. It is enough. ((((Hugs)))) oh, and PRAY A LOT!!!!
OxDrover,
Gotcha! hehe. It’s so funny to realize how “I think” I’ve got everything under control, but deep under, I can still panic instantly. Tehehehe.
I love my son so much. And, the most surreal part of giving birth was, he looked exactly like his father! Just the wrinkled version, haha.
And, so somewhere inside of me, I worry… and watch. I know there is nothing I can do – that it’s in God’s control… every one’s life is, for that matter.
But, God is funny in how he works… because as much as it would seem disturbing to tell people that a man who abused me terribly, would give me a son that was his spitting image – and that love would come so easily for this child. But, it did. It’s just instinctual.
And, somehow, loving my son has healed a big part of me that was hurting from my ex’s abuse. It wasn’t my son’s job to do that, by any means (to heal me) – but, it happened from the moment I got to hold him, until now… everyday, really.
Now, as time passes, I can almost forget what the ex’s face looks like… and when I look at my son, I realize it’s HIS face (my glorious, innocent son)… not the socio 🙂
PureWaters,
There is a concept out there that we “attract what we fear”. To this extent, if we want or DON”T want something, it comes to be. So, try not to associate any fear with your son. It’s hard for me too, but I try to catch myself every time.
It may sound crazy, but I did “bring it on” and I should have known better. God does not punish, they say. God teaches.
Peace
GettingIt,
I do agree that you can bring things on by fear, etc. I’m aware of that, but honestly, I feel fear sometimes. I don’t want to think that my son could be the monster his father was…
I know I can’t control that. If it’s genetic and good parenting won’t help him develop empathy… there’s nothing I can do other than submit my will over to God, and trust in Him.
I don’t want to live in fear continuously, and I think for the most part, I don’t think about the freakish stuff, anymore. I just live my life, and accept it for what it is…
But, the only other option would be denying my fear when it hits. Or, being afraid of fear… oh, boy.
Dear PureWAters,
I sit here and read your posts and I SMILE because I hear your voice in my head from your posts and I know how I felt when I first came to LF—I FELT I HAD ARRIVED AT HOME! In a group of loving people who DID UNDERSTAND what I had been through! It felt so LIBERATING AND WONDERFUL!
We all have fears, and those of us whoo have kids with/without the genetics we do the best we can to teach them, and to impart a love for themselves and for others.
The story of King David was the greatest support for me. Read about his sonn Absalom. David ENABLED his son,, who was a psychopath (there are many stories in the Bible about psychopaths) and then his son eventually tried to kill him (civil war) and when it was over David grieved FOR HIS SON, not for the 20,000+ other people’s sons that had died saving his kingdom and his life.
David was a sinful man but he was called a “man after God’s own heart” and I think his example is for US—he sinned and the consequences were AWFUL to himself and othrs, but when he was CONFRONTED with his sins, he REPENTED and OWNED THEM. When his general confronted David about his grieving for his Psychopathic son and not for his FRIENDS he got up, washed his face and did WHAT WAS RIGHT!
We can look at David’s life as an example for us. We all make mistakes and we all do things we know are WRONG but we can and DO repent, psychpaths do NOT repent.
I’m not sure what if anything I did wrong with my P son, or if I even did anything wrong that pushed him toward the dark side, HE HAD FREE WILL, and I do believe that though they tend to have issues that are inborn they HAVE A CHOICE to be EVIL or not. To DO evil or not. I also believe that when they HARDEN THEIR HEARTS BY CHOICE, they reach a point of NO RETURN, and they are out of the hands of God into the hands of Satan. We all have that same choice.
Don’t DESPAIR even when you feel the FEAR. Acknowledge that FEAR and then pray and give it to GOD.
There are so MANY times that God gave me the wisdom to RUN when I needed to run to save my life, just like Jonathan warned David to run from King Saul.
I know that God could have kept Saul from trying to kilol him and DAvide wouldn’t have had to run, but there was SOME LESSON THAT DAVID NEEDED TO LEARN DURING THOSE YEARS HE RAN FOR HIS LIFE. Believe me,, I LEARNED A GREAT MANY LESSONS IN THE “WIlDERNESS” when I was running and hiding from my own son trying to kill me.
I think there were lessons I needed to learn and I hope I have learned them, and one of them is that I have to believe3 and trust that as the Bible says ‘ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE THAT LOVE THE LORD.”
We don’t always know how, or why, we have to learn to trust but we must…trust God, trust our instincts, trust ourselves to do what is right even if it is hard.
Keep your faith strong, even when you are afraid….((((hugs)))) and God bless.
OxDover,
’ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE THAT LOVE THE LORD.”
That verse from the bible, when I heard it at a funeral for my unborn nephew, “saved” me. My whole life changed from that moment on, and I saw a little glimpse of God’s plan for us.
Thanks for passing on God’s words and love. They are more special to me than any text book advice could ever give.
Keep me in your prayers! I’ll keep you in mine.
I have a long way to go… 🙂