Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Buttons
Somebody needs to bottle SOMEthing!
I’m coming down off of a bout of….vertigo! Can you believe that???? The meds had me so gooned up that I didn’t know what planet I was on, most of the time. I’m sure I posted a few things that made absolutely no sense in the past couple of days! LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Holy shitballs – where’s the Tylenol!
ErinBrock
Buttons:
I hope your feeling better….I hear Vertigo is a bear!!!
Feel better darlen!
Buttons
EB, thanks – it’s like being on a really, REALLY fast carnival ride. And, the drugs that they prescribe are nuts. If I had found a bib around my neck to catch the drool, I would not have been surprised!
I’m GONNA get better! 😀
hens
Buttons I wont ride carnival rides that spin round and round cause I will puke and be dizzy for hours .As a kid I couldnt even ride the merry go round at school..I think vertigo would be a very bad thing to deal with, hope you get better soon..
erin1972
Ya’ll the shooting range is the best therapy and stress reliever-ever and I do feel so much safer as a single woman living in the most dangerous city in the country. When I go out alone at night, it’s next to me in the car.
Once I become a police officer I will get a taser also-too go with my guns. As part of my police academy training I have to get hit with the taser myself and get pepper sprayed in the face. The pepper is just as bad as the taser. They tell you to go and you run out and they spray you in the face and then you have to fight a member of the SWAT team. It’s cool cuz there’s no rules. It is a test to make sure that you don’t lose your gun. The object is for the SWAT team guy to take your gun after you get pepper sprayed. You fail the test if he succeeds and you only two times to pass it or you don’t graduate. One of the girls that I know of actually bit the SWAT team guy. That’s why I’m getting ready to start martial arts. I have been given hints by some of my friends in my original class about managing it.
Hopeforjoy
Buttons,
I am feeling so guilty right now. I can tell that husband is sad and I feel like a jerk. He has been love bombing for the last month, or more, seems to care about the kids and for once in our marriage has been really ‘trying’. Guilty, guilty. He may be a narcissist and is experiencing narcisstic injury, I don’t know.
Tell me how it went with you. He has not be physically abusive and actually listened to me when I told him to please not hug me. I sound really messed up, because I am. It’s the loss of a dream, it’s just a loss. I can’t fix this, I have to keep reminding myself, this isn’t my fault. Buttons, tell me how it was in the end, when you were firm with wanting him out. I just want someone to hold my hand through the whole thing, even if it’s a virtual hand. Thanks
Hopeforjoy
Also Buttons,
Sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. My girlfriend had vertigo and said it was horrible. Something was wrong with her inner ear. Take care, feel better.
Ox Drover
Dear Buttons,
High thee to a medical practitioner! With the vertigo, it might be something simple, might be a medication reaction or could be worse, so don’t take any chances, get your butt to the doctor!!!
Henry, just shoot me with whatever color you want to splat on me!!!! My son C does that paint ball stuff and he has scars all over his arm and even head and neck from being hit at close range with those things! BTW you can FREEZE the paint balls and they are lethal!
Ox Drover
ps Henry,
None of us here are STUPID, but I think we’ve all been STOOOOOOPID from time to time, and I am not leaving out MYSELF in that opinion!!! (((hugs)))) LOL
hens
Ox and Gang I have something to tell ya, a man bought some property down the road from my son, he is building a house, he is single, he is 75, he has taken a liken to me, I thinks he’s “interested’ in me, he asked for my phone number but I didnt give it to him..I have not felt so young in years~!