Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
erin1972
hens-OMG that is so sweet. That makes me happy!
hens
erin72 I thinks he’s a nice man, a good man, but I have no interest other than a platonic friendship and I will maintain that with him but I can tell he wants more and I just am not interested..
Erin back to your other post about friends..when I realized my X BF was a sociopath and I did so much investagation into physcology and personality disorders and learned alot about myself I realized most of my casual friends were toxic relationships as well..so I dont have too many friends these days..just a few. It’s funny how I used to believe what ever came out of a persons mouth to be the truth, now I am like ok tell me another lie asshole..
Ox Drover
LOL ROTFLMAO Well,, Henry darling, that’s great! You know you could be the “YOUNG SWEET THING!” Is he rich? LOL
Yea, that’s the problem with me, all the over 80 set thinks I am young and sexy and the guys my age are wanting a gal 40 or so. Hey, maybe you could be friends with him anyway, it doesn’t mean he might not be a nice guy. I have a cousin lives down the road from me who is 75-80 and was married for years and when he was 45 or so He got divorced and took up with the gay crowd. Moved back to home country and bought a cute older house and fixed it up like a doll house, and has been a really active part of the community. His health is going down hill now, but hey, he’s a great guy and everyone likes him.
Besides, folks are living longer healthier lives these days, so you never know. You could at least see if you and he have anything ELSE in common besides a sexual orientation for guys. LOL
And hey, I’m “interested” in you and we both have in common that we like GUYS! Does that make me gay? LOL ROTFLMAO
hens
no ox your not gay – just a horny ole lady
hens
p.s. yes he’s rich and I admire anyone at 75 building a house~!
erin1972
hens-you’re so right about the whole friends thing. I used to believe everything that came out of peoples’ mouths too and now I am exactly the opposite. I don’t trust anything anyone says anymore. People really have to prove themselves to earn the right to be my friend. I have really learned to watch peoples’ actions instead of their words. This last man that I thought was the “love of my life” had brought me out of the vicious cycle. He was the last of the sociopaths that I seem to attract. I will never fall for another one of them.
Ox Drover
Well, Henry, I have some friends who built a house at age 82 for them both! So you know, lots of people have good health and minds at older and older ages, so I say go for the gusto!!!!
Well, since I slept til noon today (didn’t get to sleep til daylight cause of the cortisone shot for the wasp sting keeping me awake!) I think I’ll go back to cleaning house, might as well get some use out of this energy and being awake this late.! Was sweeping off the back deck today and found another nest inside the BBQ, but got them suckers before they got me, and sprayed that sucker!!! GOOD!
Done so much though that my back is complaining and old bones creeking! Wish I was rich and could hire a maid!
super chic
hens, cool !!!! you are the silver haired fox.
ErinBrock
Hens….
Sounds like a great opportunity to make a nice friend!!!!
Nice friends sometimes lead into something beautiful.
Don’t burn the wedding dress just yet…..just get to know the old fart!
He might be needing a landscaper at very least!
And besides…..can you see the look on your DIL’s face when she finds out your doing her neighbor!!!
PRICELESS!!!!!
Wini
Erin, I just read your Saturday post. I love being by water too. That’s a great idea taking your family and dog walking near the water. I think it takes us a long time to get out among others again because of the severity of our injuries. If we were in traction in a hospital bed, people would visualize our injuries. Because our injuries are not visual, people who haven’t been through what we endured … can’t quit comprehend all of it. They think they know, but unless they go through it, they really don’t grasp the depth of all the levels it hits us on … especially the level of personal safety among others. I think that’s what I detested the most, was loosing that trust in others for simple situations (e.g., being in a bank line just doing my banking). For years after my violation I would look around to see if a Spath was coming in to rob the bank.
I saw something this past Saturday … at a friend’s picnic. I saw pain on so many men’s faces. Of course, overhearing or personally listening to their stories of divorces (years ago) from former wives who took them for everything and left them high and dry with no reason but simply took off with another man … I said one sentence to them “Oh, don’t blame yourself, you know she doesn’t know what love is and therefore, can’t love”. That was it. I didn’t get into detail and overwhelm them with what we’ve learned on this site. The picnic went on for hours … around 11:00 p.m. some of those men made their way over to me in the kitchen (while helping my friend clean up) … and said to me … you made total sense to me. How in the world did you come up with that fact? I just said, it’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself for your Ex’s bad behavior.
Hey, something good had to come out of all this pain. It’s true though, once you go through this type of devastation, there is a certain look on our faces and when you see another who’s endured the same pain, it’s like looking in the mirror. Then we can reach out and help another member of our society of LFers.
Peace.