Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Elizabeth Conley: Did anyone mention that “they” are spineless cowards and ooze with slime.
You know, if we built an ark today … to wash the sins and sinners off the face of the earth again … the likes of ‘them” certainly wouldn’t have a place in the ark … but then again, God promised he wouldn’t do this again … oh, well, we are a few centuries too late (LOL) .
Enough said.
WOW, so great comments from folks we haven’t heard from before! I wish everyone who reads here would post more!
Brown’s book is quite good, because unfortunately, society does teach women (and some men) that there “is good in everyone” (NOT true) and that our society teaches that “if you’ve had a bad break you just need someone to love you enough” (NOT true) and women are also ‘judged” by what their “attachment’ status in the society is, and unattached women are ‘not ok.’
As far as ‘making someone homeless” and feeling guilty about it, that is another thing, it is not YOU who are making them homeless, but THEIR BEHAVIOR, you are not required to take in every person who would mooch off of you or feel guilty. (I can relate to that one)
I recently had to ask some “friends’ to leave who by their poor decisions had come to live in their recreation vehicle (a motor home) and don’t have enough income to rent a space, so I let them live here on my farm (them paying their own electric bill) and they became ‘entitled” to walk all over me, not respect my boundaries, not behave with common courtesy and clean up after themselves, but to leave messes for me to clean up without any apology. To allow their dogs (which were dangerous to the life of my dog) to roam at will and potentially kill my small dog.
After confronting them on these boundary crossings, when there was no improvement in their behavior, I asked them to leave. I felt really “guilty” about doing this (I was still working hard on learning to set and maintain reasonable boundaries) but it WAS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO PROVIDE THEM A PLACE TO LIVE and ALLOW THEM TO ABUSE ME IN THE PROCESS. Now, I realize that it is not my responsibility to provide for anyone other than myself. I don’t have to feel guilty if I don’t let my friends and family abuse my hospitality. If these people TRULY care about me, they will NOT ABUSE ME. Therefore, since these people were abusing me, they obviously didn’t care enough about me to NOT ABUSE me. So, what have I lost? A friend? I don’t think they were much in the way of friends if they were abusing me, so I really haven’t lost anything except a continual pain in the neck and an irritation.
Like Elizabeth said “I”m no one’s door mat” and I am not required to be anyone’s door mat.
Like, you, Elizabeth, I like to help others, and I don’t mind helping anyone at all, but to have people accept my help, and decide that they are ENTITLED to have me assume their responsibilities for providing housing and a lively hood for themselves, is not “helping” it is ENABLING, and I am not going to enable others by taking over responsibility for them. I do police my motives, and I do try to be a better Christian, but even Christ didn’t encourage us to be door mats.
As far as “scrutinizing” others, Jesus advised us to “by it’s fruits ye shall know”—if a tree’s fruit is bad, the tree is bad (i.e. if the behavior pattern of a person is bad, the person is bad” ) That is not judging, but OBSERVING.
If a person is a chronic liar, abuser, user, thief, etc. then we are advised to get away from them, don’t associate with them, “don’t even eat with them.” GOOD ADVICE!
my x socio had the local police convinced that i was the crazy one, he would go on his rampages (as me and my family call it. ) finally i got an order of protection so he cannot menace me or itimadate over phone, email, or in person. The judge dropped it on my kids(he can pickup at curbside)he convinces the judge he should be in there lives and is working on geting a job and a place where the kids can visit. and the judge gave it to him. so he convinced a judge he should still see his kids and the local cops that i get PMS really bad.
Dear Brenda1213: Remember, courts need to stay neutral, having both parties interest at heart … that does not prevent professionals from children and youth services in your area to be overseeing the interests of all parties involved, you, your Ex, and the children.
I hope you remember to make the call to those professionals to help in your situation.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal.
Oh, and Brenda1213: Remember too, police are not judge nor jury, nor attorneys … they are to intercede in between … not to make judgments … but to do their jobs without taking sides. What you perceived at the time that they were taking sides, could have been that they were showing both you and your EX respect … not getting involved … just doing their jobs.
to wini, thankyou for your input it makes sense, i still feel like his victim sometimes. i am seeking therapy for me and my kids, and my daughter has a social worker from MHA(mental health assoc.) i am healing, i just worry so much about my kids and him having a relationship with them, cause i know how dangerous he can be. peace to you
brenda1213: I know how you feel … when our backs are up against the wall and we want to scream to the hill tops for everyone to naturally understand our concerns at that particular point in time … we loose site that others are there to intercede and protect all parties involved.
Remember, TRUTH floats to the top, no matter how many lies are piled on top of it … it does eventually surface and becomes victorious… you just need to be patient … it’s not instantaneous, even though we want so desperately for truth to surface.
Peace to you and your children as everyone heals.
I hope this is can be of some consolation to you … there is a reason for every thing to happen at the time it is happening … but it is on God’s time frame, not ours.
“Has anyone else experienced their sociopath conning a therapist or doctor/psychologist” ”
When we first met, my x P was all full of praise for therapist, in the sense of saying he thought communication was the key to relationships and that people ran away from problems too much (in reference to his former wives), and in his next relationship he had decided if any problems arose, he would be willing to do whatever it took to work thru the problems, even willing to go for couple counseling blah blah. HAHAHAHAHA!
In reality, this man hated therapists and the very idea of one. Late in the relationship, when I started seeing a therapist he was furious. Fortunately, when I said I had gone to see a therapist, I did NOT say the therapist name and there were quite a few in the area. He ranted about me seeing a therapist (how stupid it was and how I must be crazy if I was seeing a therapist). He also made the comment that when he went on his “serial killer spree” that the therapist I was seeing was gonna be tops on his list of people he wanted to knock off. I only saw that therapist six times, but I never did tell him the therapist name in spite of his badgering. Probably just an idle threat to try to get me to stop going, but by that time I realized he was dangerous and I wasn’t about to tell him who I saw.
But when he was court mandated to go to drug/alcohol class (conducted by a therapist) after his 30 day jail sentence due to another DUI, he was a model d/a participant. I know this because the therapist allowed family to come and he often wanted me to go with him. To listen to him in discussions you would have really believed he saw the error of his ways and was really focused and determined to clean up his life. He actually had me convinced that he was “working” towards giving up the booze (and drugs) permanently. That is, until he started bragging later (in front of me) to people about how he beat the random drug test because he STOLE a test (out of the therapist box of drug tests that the therapist left on a table in the lobby) so he could later use that stick to give to the therapist instead of the one he actually peed on during the random drug test. The therapist would accompany them to the bathroom, watch them pee, then send them out in the lobby to sit with their test until the colors on the stick processed. He was still drinking and doing cocaine the whole time.
He also stole sticks from the “clean” people out of the trashcan (the trash can was sitting outside the bathroom door and people woud throw their sticks in it.) Of course he wasn’t the only one stealing clean sticks out of the trash and tossing their dirty sticks in. I saw several people do it over time.
BTW, I also heard alot of discussions (immediately after each class) from some of these men and women, who were comparing notes on where to go to score drugs after class. And one night, one woman bent over to tie her shoes and her crack pipe fell out of her jacket pocket!!!!
Although I am sure some people in the class really wanted to beat their d/a problem, from the conversations I heard during break and after class, it seemed most of them (although certainly not all of them were sociopaths) were “conning” the therapist in the sense of telling him what they needed to say to make it thru the class, only attending because it was court ordered, and they seemed not in the least interested in giving up drugs.
I tend to think people who seek out a therapist would have a vested interst in being honest with the therapist, but someone who is court ordered into therapy or who has a spouse or family member pushing them into therapy, may tend to con or lie to the therapist, whether they are a sociopath or not, simply because they aren’t really interested in being there and getting help to begin with.
BTW, I do not do drugs at all and was quite naive about them and drug users habits. I attended roughly 3/4’s of those classes and I will say it was one of the most educational/informative things I have ever done. It also gave me some great tools in being better able to spot a dug user that I may be associated with. If you ever get a chance to attend a drug program, I highly recommend you GO!
Dear Elizabeth andJen2008–
Thank you for your responses. They are my first. There sure seem to be a lot of smart and compassionate people here.
So–anyone—HOW DO I RELEASE/LET GO/STOP OBSESSING over how I wish I could write or email or call or let that psychologist (By the way– yes– he was there b/c his mommie was paying for it– at the age of 39!) and convince him of WHAT he is working with– that he is part of this guy’s narcissistic supply?? Then again–I would now look bad b/c of the drama this guy has created to distract the truth being seen (His own deceit and evil.)
pure evil. That’s all I can say. But how do I let go of the above?? Or do I write a letter? Advice!
Wini– thank you for the comment on truth!