Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Dear akitameg. At 39, time is on your side, but I really feel that if you are feeling depressed, that you should treat yourself in the most delicate fashion and enlist all the loving and practical support you can get. Coming out of this type of relationship is like coming out of a disaster zone and has a deep impact on the physical and the psyche. During this phase, I treated myself ever so gently.
Those with PDisorders are very accomplished at creating the ‘fizz’ in relationships, but lets face it, if they are liars and cheats, then it doesnt matter how attractive they are, your wellbeing will be always at risk. Also I kept telling my ex to stop putting me on a pedestal, they raise you up and then drop you from a great height – crunch. I will never again fall prey to that kind of a relationship, yet this kind of relationship is ‘sold’ to us through songs, stories and films. The other part of the physical side, is that we mix our energies with our partner and hence the deep connection. You will survive and you will heal. I am convinced I developed cancer through the stress and I survived that.
Hey everyone–
You now what my brain is obsesses with and it makes NO SENSE? Here this guys was undoubtedly a P. My brain/mind keeps getting jealous with thoughts of him like– meeting a new girl (which I know he already has) and living happily ever after. I feel he will all of a sudden be the perfect man I thought he was, not be a P anymore and make someone a wonderful husband.
I should have known. His exwife was this gorgeous woman from Japan. Great cook. Made great money. Sweet. he cried “victim” to her “abuse”.
Damn–he did to me what he did to her. The whole fam did.
Does anyone know what I mean by thinking they are going to meet a perfect partner and live happily ever after?
I think this shows that the almost unconscious undermining he did of me– really got to my psyche.
I also have obsessive thoughts about him going back/conning his exwife. God I hope she has learned that he is an N.
Dear Akitameg, I know exactly what you say. In the early days of the breakup, I had to resist the temptation to drive past his place and when I drove past recently and I saw he had new bedroom curtains, a part of me felt jealous. And I had thoughts that he is just fast tracking through different partners until he finds the right one. But hey, when I pull my thinking together, and keep reminding myself of the way he treated me, when I was so good to him, I cant imagine that he will ever have a successful relationship with anyone – not the kind of successful relationship I would like. He will just find someone else to put up with his behaviours and believe me, he will not be able to stop his behaviours showing up. I gave him every chance and was always questionning myself, perhaps I should have been more accepting, perhaps perhaps?? But where am I in the scenario. And I ask you the same question – where are you in the equasion??
Hi Akitameg,
It’s been awhile since i’ve posted. I’m 6 months post-sociopath. I was with my ex 2 years also. I gave him money, a free roof over his head for him and his son, bought him clothes, paid his bills, took out a car loan for his car and put his name on the deed to my home. Only to find out there was another woman in the picture the entire time and he was telling her he was going to leave me for her. He wasn’t really. He was using both of us for money and he’d go over her house after causing fights with me. He was manipulative, jealous, conrolling, dominating, verbally and physically abusive. He got me fired from a great job.
I find myself crying less. Around 10 days ago, I dropped off his stuff he was keeping in the garage to him at his GF’s. Then ex mailed me the keys back to my garage last week. I find myself crying less but still depressed but it’s more like anger instead of hurt. I’m angry at myself for being taken for a fool. I could have lost my condo and the car I got him so things could be worse but I’m flat broke. Don’t be jealous. She’s gonna get hers..just like we got ours. All I have to do is think about the way he used me, cheated on me, lied, and abused me and I never want to have that happen to me again. It’s frightening sometimes thinking about how it happened. It was so well planned-out and methodical. An evil plot to take me down and use me up and then go onto the next to do the same. Truly sickening.
It’s so hard to focus on my job during the day and hard to focus on everyday tasks like paying bills, shopping, etc. It’s like I’m in shock and on auto-pilot until the shock wears off.
What sucks is that I became very attached to his 15 year old daughter. She got pregnant so the ex turned his back on her. It’s like he’s punishing her for making a big mistake in her life. I emailed her today and she was happy to hear from me. She said she misses her dad and cries herself to sleep in the night. He won’t look at her or have anything to do with her. I just let her know there’s nothing she can do but pray and maybe send him a letter telling him how she feels. He discarded his own daughter who needs him the most right now. But this story isn’t new. He has 5 other kids out there he discarded and never knew. Just awful. An awful person. Twisted.
Does anyone believe that perhaps sociopaths are being influenced by the devil or possessed by demons? I know it sounds far-fetched but there are stories in the Bible where Jesus cast-out demons of mentally ill people.
Ewwwww!! When I think that my ex would go to the OW’s house for s-e-x and then come home to me for some more, I wanna barf.
OMG. I just thought of something funny though. 2 months after i kicked him out he called and wanted me to pick him up (remember, i took the car back,) maybe he didn’t really want to wind up living there but she was good to have on the side. Now he’s stuck there (i didn’t pick him up of course.) How funny is that? He made his bed with her now has to “lie” in it everynight! LOL! LOL!!
What up, wonderwoman? I was wondering where you went!!! (I’ll bet that’s the most w’s ever used in a sentence).
I’m glad to see you in good spirits.
Hey Superstar! You are my super hero because like me, you didn’t lie down and roll over when you were taken for a ride. I got the filed copy of the deed to my condo from my lawyer today. I’m just trying to pull myself together. It’s a slow-go cause I was with him 2 years.
What still haunts me are two scense I play back over and over again in my head. The first was last year a few days before Christmas. He started a fight with me and grabbed me by the throat, spit in my face and called me a ho. I’ll never forget the look on his face staring me down. I thought he wanted to hurt me bad. Then he stormed out to go to the OW’s house. I think of that scene and the last time I saw his face…10 days ago when I dropped off the crap from the garage. This time, the face was shaken, scared. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. He was powerless. Do you know why that is? He knows that I know who he is. The devil himself. And he knew what I was…..afraid no more!
Hey, Wonderwoman,, missed you lately!
To answer your question–IMHO–if I believe in God, (goodness) then I also have to believe in Satan (EVIL) and I do believe that we (humans) have a choice (except for those poor folks who are not in touch with reality and don’t know right from wrong) and I believe the Psychopaths have CHOSEN the “dark side” (Just like in Star Wars).I believe they chose to embrace and enjoy evil. I believe that there comes a point where it is impossible for them to change that choice. The Bible talks about people’s hearts being so “hardened” that they refuse to listen to the truth, to humble themselves.
I don’t believe that God or the universe “makes” anyone choose EVIL, that a person is ust created “evil” and has no choice. I beleive that even Satan had a choice, and he chose EVIL. Of course all these thoughts are JUST MY OPINION, and there is no objective evidence one way or the other. This is in the realm of philosophy, faith and belief. So my opinion is just that, my opinion.
I wonder, you talked about him having sex with the OW and then coming home to get more from you—that is a CHOICE. No one forced him to do that. Even if there is biology and genetics involved in psychopathic personality disorder, never the less, nothing forced him to DO THAT, he chose to do it. He knew it was wrong (if he hadn’t known it was “wrong” he wouldn’t have hidden it).
If that makes him “possessed by a demon”–then I guess he is/was. But I think because he had “free will” and “a choice” the responsibility is HIS.
Hey Ox,
I know you know your Bible stories. I think about Job. How satan told God he could test Job’s faith if God would so allow. Therefore, God gave satan the green light and said, ok, go and inflict all these things on Job and you’ll see his faith is true. See, it think God lets satan roam the earth and tests our faith everyday. But you must be right about free will because it was Job’s “free will” not to curse God for the inflictions he had to suffer.
We have to remember, sociopaths don’t have a conscience and don’t feel empathy. This is the problem I struggle with. Is it the physical mental health problem that causes them to do the things they do or is it because satan has entered their hearts?