Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Here is my answer to that question. It doesn’t matter–they’re just bad news. (bowing to NC)
Wonderwoman, NO one deserves to be treated the way you were. If someone even treated one of my animals like that, I would stomp their face to the ground. (Sorry, that’s not very ladylike but it’s true).
No, I didn’t lie down and roll over, Wonderwoman. I turned my ex in when I found out what his con was. They told me he was on suicide watch. For a few hours I felt guilty, like I was ruining his life or something. Then I remembered that I was genuinely suicidal for a month after I found out how he played me. They make their own bed. Like Martha Stout says, if you want to know whether someone is a sociopath, just follow their lives. In the end they usually end up murdered, in prison, or in some other pitiful condition. It’s not our job to save them or protect them. For those who feel sorry for a sociopath who’s had a bad childhood, let me just say that I had a horrendous childhood. I don’t steal, lie, and con people.
Star: I know he’s a sick individual. I got confirmation he did the same thing to the woman before me. That was his wife. She and I email a few times a week. She hasn’t been with him for 3 years and she’s been in Jersey all the way to Florida since Sept to see if she could get him to cooperate with divorce papers. She mailed him the final signed paper a month ago and he’s dodging her not letting her know if he got the paper to the courthouse. It’s all about control. She moved on and wants to re-marry in the near future but he’s being an arse. Not answering the phone or texts. She wants to get back to Florida and get on with her life but he’s got that on hold.
Writing to the wife was helpful with healing. It lets me know it wasn’t me and lets her know it wasn’t her….it’s him. He’s not right. He treated us like objects. He wouldn’t let her out of the house and cut her off from friends and family and abused her…just like me.
My ex knows I chat with the wife and of course doesn’t like it. He is totally exposed. All these red flags and the current victim is ignoring them all.
Star: Do you know how mean this guy is? We were engaged and he referred to me as “fiancee.” The reason I put his name on the deed was per his request. I told him ok, as long as we are getting married. On the day he was signing the deed papers and getting them notorized, he called me on the phone and said, “you know, I really don’t have to turn this property back over to you. it would be a civil matter and my word against yours. I reminded him I put his name on the deed because we were going to get married. He denied it. He said, “what? we never spoke of marriage.” “I didn’t move in with you to get married” “YOU insisted you put my name on to make me feel comfortable in your home.” I said “why are you lying? We went to look for rings, saw lawyers about getting your marriage to your ex annulled, etc.” How lousy is that? I asked, “are you lying saying these things because (OW) is there? So you don’t look so bad in front of her??” UGH. I know she was there listening. He’s got her believing who knows what. Can’t she see? Can’t she smell something stinks???? Doesn’t she feel like a piece of Charmin?
Wow, he gaslighted (gaslit?) you! I can’t imagine what that did to your soul to have to stoop to his level to communicate with someone so crazy and evil.
Star: He called me while getting the papers notorized asking me to put something in writing stating he wouldn’t be responsible for property taxes. Then the argument ensued..with him starting it. We saw 2 lawyers 2 different times for his divorce. I paid $250 the first go around for the consultation, another $250 for the 2nd go-around consultation, gave the AH a check for $1250 to have the lawyer do the filing (he spent the money on God knows what) and then the 3rd time I paid $65 at the courthouse for him to file. I reminded him of this and he said, “you must be going senile in your old age….we never saw attorneys or anything!” UGH!! When I dropped off his crappy TV’s at the OW’s house 10 days ago, I put the file of the paperwork for the 3 divorce filings in a box and left that too. All the paperwork was completed by him…in his handwriting. I hope the OW took a gander at that. What a lousy liar. When we were arguing on the phone he complained about me taking the car away from him and claiming he had financing to put the loan in his name. I reminded him I gave him that opportunity but he had no credit so I took the car. I asked him if he has a car now…he does not. Let me see, if he has financing for an auto, then why doesn’t he have a car?? Wow. He needs some serious psychiatric help. I hope the OW enjoys driving him around in her car.
You must feel so much lighter without this leech sucking the life out of you. Wonderwoman, when did you first suspect something was amiss in your relationship with him? Did it take a while?
Good Morning Star:
The first 6 mos of our relationship was great but I did notice jealousy signs. I ignored it thinking it would go away in time. After 6 mos I was so hooked on him he started getting worse…and worse. I guess it was gradual. During the next year he became verbally abusive, controlling and dominating. I kept trying to correct him but nothing worked. It was a crazy cycle. After a verbal assault, he’d leave to “cool down” and come back saying he wanted to work things out. What he was doing was going to the OW’s house after the fights.
He did the same thing to the woman before me. I doubt things have changed.
I think 6 months is a long time and I can understand how you can get hooked in much less time. It only took a few weeks in my case to get hooked in. I’ve heard it can take 6 or more months for the controlling behaviors to come out. Thank God I didn’t stick around long enough to see that. You are doing great! I’m very proud of you. It takes a while, I’m sure, for the toxicity of the relationship to wear off. In any dysfunctional relationships there is toxicity, but I think in the case of the sociopath it is much worse because their capacity to take responsibility is zero. They project EVERYTHING. It’s creepy.
BTW, did you see that I logged onto Amazon.com to buy a workout tape, and “How to Spot a Dangerous Man” popped up on the home page? I took it as a sign and bought it.