Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
Hi Star:
Yeah, he got me hooked good. He moved in 8 months after we were dating. I remember he said he could never cheat on a woman while living with her. What a lie. We were together 2 years and all the while, he had been calling other women and actually acted upon starting a relationship with the OW 6 months after he moved in. It’s the same pattern. 3 mos after he was with the one before me, he married her. 6 mos later, he left her for me. Seems like he can take one-on-one for 6 mos at the most.
There was a huge difference between me and the woman prior to me. When he left her, she was sick over it for the entire 2 years until I called her to let her know I kicked him out and what he did to me. She kinda just slid away hoping someday he’d contact her. With me, I didn’t crawl under a rock. He wasn’t going to get away with it again. She joined forces with me to expose all of the untruths in his face. Let me tell you Star, when I saw the ex 10 days ago, he looked like SH.. and he actually looked broken. All the lies he told to his wife and me. There was no empathy on my part at all, God forgive me. I know he’s using the OW now just for a free roof over his head and for his son to have a place to be with him.
Of course he’s broken. I’m sure if you follow his life, he will come to some sorry end like the rest of them do. Imprisoned for fraud, or an early death. Thank God you didn’t go down with him!
Good news. I just came back from the reptile expo. I did NOT see my ex there. I have to admit, I was a little jumpy and did scan the room a few times for a 6’3 bald guy, but thankfully, didn’t see him. I got in, cuddled a few snakes, got the frozen rats, and left. Got in, got out, got on with my life.
And for Indigo, who knows what these are, I got to cuddle some baby retics! These are my favorites–the tigers, super tigers, and albinos. They were the cutest little things I’ve ever seen that grow to be 20 feet long!
Thats albeanooooo dwarfs>right ! :)~~~~~
As a matter of fact the albino was a dwarf. I wanted to take him home so bad. He wrapped his little tail around my purse strap and tried to climb into my camera case. So apparently it was mutual.
inthebreach57: I’m answering you on a smaller post … the filled up posts make this old computer slow down.
Yes, any anti-social personality always has to have control (that’s one of their insecurities that they haven’t resolved) and they do cause drama all the time because they don’t read the Bible to learn wisdom, so they stay as fools, fools that listen to their own big ego … instead of reading and learning Wisdom from the Bible.
I don’t care what name you want to give them, they all have ulterior motives when they get involved with real, caring, loving, decent people.
When we try to love them, they give us lip service … telling us what they think we want to hear. Behind the scenes, they use us for whatever they want to use us.
Good advice to stay at arms length from that aunt of yours. You can’t change her … just send her love.
When you get the chance, read former bloggs throughout the site and read all the articles that you can read to ensure you get a good education to learn what others know about the likes of “them”.
Any time you want to chat, just write. If I’m on-line, I’ll write you back.
Peace.
I will have none of this blogging to others Winch you will make me breakfast now and my coffee is not hot enough and the car needs the oil changed and I have lots of things to keep you busy while I watch football and you need to go to the store I am low on BEER !
What’s the matter Indi … do you miss your EX so much … you need to imitate his bad behavior? LOL … this is just another good reason we need to stop focusing on what they are about … and focus on how great are healing is doing ….
Just a minute, I forgot where I put my arsenic … a little tsp goes a long way in coffee ya know? Get’s the job done 1st thing in the a.m.
Peace brother, peace.
Winch Get to work ! What do you mean ya can’t buy beer at 6am? Yes you can! Go to the HOOD they have a package lounge that sells anything at any time ! I want Grits too and hash browns I want my eggs over easy my toast just right and a big glass of milk ! Don’t forget to walk your dog! Hey are you LISTEN to me winch? Where did she Go Now !
Indi, I was putting my 2 cents worth of advice on Larry King’s blogg.
Therefore, can’t be in 2 places at one time.
Besides, I told you that a tsp of my magic potion would do the trick … so ya can forget barking all the other orders out … you won’t get past your first sip.
Wink, wink … That’s my Palin imitation … DID SHE BRING HER POM POMS OUT YET? YEAH, RAH, RAH, GO ELITES… Just go.
Good Morning Wini:
I’m having my morning cup of coffee and read your post about sociopaths not reading the Bible. Mine can quote verse no problem. Mine can praise the lord and stay up to watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Then he can turn around and use the Bible to show you how much of a sinner you are. He said I shouldn’t cut my hair. . it’s in the Bible that a woman’s hair is her veil. Then he turned around and said I shouldn’t wear the clothes I wear because men will look at me with lust in their hearts and committ sin. Then he’d turn around and abuse me and say it’s in the Bible that the woman has to submit to the man and that a woman will never be equal to a man. And here he is. The liar. The devil himself. God Forgive me.