Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader:
I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don’t live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with–lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don’t think for him this is possible. He always tries to get back in. My married ex was also a psychopath and I was involved with another man, he was also a psychopath. How can we change this–always attracting the same?
It is not possible to remain friends with a sociopath (or psychopath or narcissist). The only way to deal with them is not to deal with them. No contact. At all.
But this letter asks a more important question, “How can we change this–always attracting the same?”
How to Spot a Dangerous Man
The first step in avoiding involvement with a sociopath is knowing that they are out there. If you’re reading Lovefraud, you’ve probably already had a painful run-in with a sociopath and are well aware that they exist.
The next step is to figure out why you allowed a sociopath into your life. For women who have been victimized, I suggest reading How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Brown describes eight types of dangerous men—men with mental illnesses and personality disorders that cannot be rehabilitated. Lovefraud readers will recognize most of the types as various shades of sociopaths. Brown describes their behavior, provides case studies of women who were involved with them, and includes red-alert behavior checklists. If you see the behaviors on the list, you should end the relationship.
Overriding our warning system
But many Lovefraud readers have intuitively known there was something wrong in a relationship, yet have had difficulty ending it. This is where Brown’s book will be extremely helpful.
Every woman, Brown says, has an internal system of red flags and red alerts that act as a warning system that someone is dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us ignore the signals.
“Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we have allowed many of our built-in alarm systems to become dismantled. Years of overriding internal warnings with reasons to move ahead anyway, combined with the ability to numb the feelings triggered by our own system’s messages, have deadened many women to the symptoms of being in a dangerous relationship. This perilous cycle can lead women to date four or five dangerous men before they begin to notice the spiritual, emotional and physical messages they have been ignoring.”
Brown then explains why women ignore the signals. Sometimes it is because of society’s expectations that it’s more important for women to be polite than to question the behavior of men. Or it’s more important for women to accept everyone unconditionally than to expect people to prove themselves as trustworthy. Or it’s more important to love the unlovable than to realize it’s not safe to love everyone. Or that it’s more important to believe everyone can change than to accept that some people can’t.
Dangerous Man Workbook
So how does all this apply to you? How do you figure out where you’ve been making mistakes? To answer these questions for yourself, I suggest that you also get the How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook.
The workbook prints lists of universal red flags—check the ones that you’ve experienced. It lists family traditions and early conditioning—check what you’ve been taught. And it lists loopholes for downplaying the dangerous behavior of men—check the excuses you’ve used.
In the next section of the workbook, you answer questions about your own experiences with dangerous men. How did you meet? Were they similar to your father or another influential relative? What were your first red flags?
If you honestly fill out the workbook, you’ll see your patterns and where you need to change. Because changing your expectations, enforcing your personal boundaries and realizing that you deserve better are required for you to stop attracting sociopaths.
Both books are available on Amazon.com:
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook
That would be Tue. 9 Sept 2008:)~
For me It was Realizing that Forgivness does not elimenate accountability or responcability!
When God forgives Us He Forgets ! Sin What sin?
People can Forgive but it’s a whole nother thing to forget!
LOVE jere
Can someone give me advice about…
I have been obssessed today with writing a sincere letter to the psychologist that this man has completely conned. TEll him the truth and abuse behind the scenes.
Do I do this?
thank you for your time—thanks oxdrover
Dear Akitameg,
I wish I could give you an “answer” that I knew was the right one, but I don’t have one.
The psychologist might believe you and might not, but the thing is, Akita, that even if they do believe you, they are not going to be able to benefit the psychopath with it, because he will never change.
I can tell you what I would do and why. First, I would not send the letter, and the reason is (the paragraph above) and the second reason is that it might backfire on you. How? I’m not sure, but everything I did to try to help my mother see what was going on (she was part of the abuse but also a victim too) and it backfired on me.
The best thing is NO CONTACT, I think, and that means even “back door” contact–either telling others about them or listening to others tell you abut them. The LESS you can have anything to do with them, the better off you will be, I think–my opinion only. There are those here that will disagree with me, and that’s okay. I am not sure my answer is “right” anyway, but I also know the NEED to warn others about them, and the NEED to tell them off is strong in some of us (all of us?) but I did mine by arguing with them in my head as I drove down the road, screaming at them sometimes, but only I heard it. I also wrote letters and letters and tore them up. It seemed to help some in venting the stuff out. I also blogged on here as well.
Some people gave me some advice on this and other blogs that I wasn’t ready to hear and I “blew it off” but eventually I came to see that they were right, when the time was right for me to accept that advice. You will too. The healing road is bumpy, with stones and pit falls, and broken glass and sometimes we lose our shoes and the going is painful, but eventually, it will smooth out, be less up hill, and your strength will improve. As long as you stay NC you will be gaining strength every day, if you break NC you will go back and “not collect $200 dollars”—sometimes back to square one.
If you are not around them there is no opportunity for NEW injuries, and if you are NC the scabs start to heal. NC tears those scabs off and the wounds bleed again.
So, it may not be right, but I suggest that you do nothing where he is concerned unless he is doing illegal activities and you can prove it, then go to the police. Unless you have evidence though, they may not believe you or just think you are a “woman scorned” and blow you off.
Hope that helps, but it is a “definite maybe” and not really an answer that you can take to the bank, just one with some points to think about. (((hugs))))
Akitameg,
Don’t do it. That’s my advice. Pure and simple
If the Psychologist were the kind of person who could see your ex is a Sociopath, s/he would have seen it for him/herself. Since s/he can’t see it yet, telling her/him about the sociopath will only cause him/her to further pathologize you and ignore the evidence s/he already has that your ex is an Sociopath.
The quickest way to cause an educated adult to become convinced that you are unreasonable is for you to accuse someone else of being unreasonable. It’s one of the most hackneyed mantras of our time, this idea that only the unreasonable find others unreasonable. (Say that 5 times fast!)
That’s just reason #1. Reason #2 is a bit more convoluted, but more important. It’s time you realized that for now, “it’s all about what’s between the thumbs!” (YOUR THUMBS, NOT THE S’s!) It’s time for you to take care of yourself, and forget about loserboy. Trying to take care of the shrink and any other dupe involved with the S is a distraction from getting you well and whole again. Don’t do it. Zero contact isn’t just about getting away from the S’s bad behavior. It’s also about taking your time and energies back for your own use, and denying the S “rent free space in your head.”
Of course, I’m not telling you what to do. Go ahead, write the shrink. Maybe it will be cathartic. Maybe it will help someone else. After all, it strikes me as odd that you two were in some kind of joint counseling, but you weren’t married. (Is that true? Did I get that right?) If so, his success in manipulating the therapist might have been a tool that helped him to successfully manipulate you. Maybe if he sets up the same game with a 2nd victim, the Psychologist will get wise.
Just search your own motives carefully before you mail that letter. What are you trying to achieve? Are you trying to score points off of the Psychologist? Something like: “See, I was right to mistrust him. He hurt me. You helped him hurt me. You should feel ashamed.” If your motives are something like that, you may want to rethink the strategy. I don’t think that making another normal person (the shrink), feel bad about being fooled by the Sociopath will make you feel better. It’s no substitute for making the Sociopath feel bad, and let’s face it, that’s not happening!
Best of luck with all of this. Personally, I think you need to get really selfish for a while. Focus on your next job, your career, your next home, etc. Make “Me, Myself and I” your mantra for a while! It’s OK to do that when you’re in a really bad place. Friends and family will understand.
I just bought this book on amazon and just finished reading “The Sociopath Next Door” does anyone know anymore good books to educate and help yourself heal?
Dr. Robert Hare’s book “Without Conscience” is a great one. “sharks in suits” is another one.
My list:
“Without Conscience”
“Women Who Love Psychopaths”
Haven’t read “Sociopath Next Door” but heard it’s great.
Hi Gem: What’s the gist of “Women Who Love Sociopaths?” Does the author write that we are needy? Nurturing? I haven’t read it but if you have, share a little. I did read “The Sociopath Next Door.” Wow. That was a good one.
IWonder: The book is by Sandra L. Brown and Liane J. Leedom and it talks about women who are the women who have relationships with psychopaths. Here is a bit from the back of the book. “In the book we have: developed a “profile” of women who have attracted psychopaths, identified risk factor’s in women’s lives that contributed to them becoming a p’s victim, isolated specific temperament traits that are in many women who have long term relationships with p’s, described the unique love dynamics, and defined predictable aftermath symptoms which form the common syndrome of inevitable harm.”
Like I said, that’s just from the back of the book but let me tell you I have almost every other page highlighted with post-it notes. Easy read too. I read it cover to cover in one night. And it definitely does not highlight us as needy. They specifically mention that too often we are told that we are co-dependents which is often wrong.