By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I was eagerly awaiting the release of this book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, and I was not disappointed at all. Donna Andersen, the owner of the LoveFraud.com website, received her “credentials” in dealing with sociopaths (psychopaths) when she married James Montgomery, a full-fledged con man. At the time Donna “enrolled” in this course in the University of Hard Knocks, she was totally unaware that this charming and charismatic man she had married was indeed a sociopath. He conned her out of more than $200,000 during the short course of their marriage, had numerous affairs, and actually fathered a child with another woman during their marriage.
Wanting very much to help others avoid enrolling in this course in the University of Hard Knocks, Donna has written her second book about the experience.
While I was up all night reading her first book, not being able to put it down, this book I read more slowly and carefully.
Red Flags is laid out almost in an “outline form,” so that it is easily understood. Donna has arranged each chapter and each section so that it is easily comprehended. She has also used excerpts from many of the thousands of people who have sent their stories to Lovefraud and completed Lovefraud surveys (of course changing the names).
Donna explains the confusion with the terms sociopath, psychopath and antisocial personality disorder, not only the professional differences about what to call it, but also the exact diagnostic criteria for any one of them. She also makes it plain that it doesn’t matter what you call them, they are toxic and there is no cure for what they have.
She debunks the myths about sociopaths/psychopaths all being serial killers and deranged criminals. In addition, she points out the old fallacy of “there is good in everyone” as being one of the things that keeps victims hanging on.
The Red Flags that are covered in the book are:
- Charisma and charm
- Sudden soul mates
- Sexual magnetism
- Love bombing
- Blames others for everything
- Lies and gaps in the story
- Intense eye contact
- Moves fast to hook up
- Pity play
- Jekyll and Hyde personality
Each of these actually correspond to symptoms on the Psychopath Check List developed by Dr. Robert Hare, but in more informal terms.
This book is not stiff or clinical in any way, but infinitely readable and packed with information to help people spot the “red flags” that sociopaths/psychopaths display in how they try to hook vulnerable people in order to fleece them, before they get fleeced.
Every high school kid should be required to read this book in order to educate themselves to the predators among us. People who have already had the “course” in dealing with a sociopath/psychopath will also profit as well. I recommend that everyone buy two copies, one to keep and one to give to a friend who is in a bad dating situation.
Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath is now available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store.
Oxy,
My sister has been there for slightly over a year.
My parents are mostly “with it,” but slightly different for each; my mother had a stroke a few years ago and has some vague moments and more lucid moments than vague moments. She is very intelligent. My father is mostly lucid and also very intelligent, but becoming a bit more (this is subtle) rigid in his thinking and less cognitively flexible, if that makes sense. But both are currently competent.
She is there because… she has had a progressively higher paying career for the past 25 years but would get fired every few years or so. Up until recently (a few years ago) she always managed to find a higher paying position and at the height of it all was making TONS of money. She never saved much, spent lavishly, and has been in debt for a few years. And has had very little luck finding work in her field and cannot decide about a new career. About a year ago, she was fired from a contract job she was working overseas, and while she was over there, her landlord died and the apartment was sold (she made a brief trip back to put her things in storage). The sudden firing was a mental/emotional blow to her. She returned to the states with no job and no home. She “temporarily” moved in with our parents (no income, no job, no home, etc.), and now that has stretched to over a year. She has not succeeded in finding a high paying job that will allow her to move back to the other city. She has worked low-paying jobs and odd jobs. The economy is tough, and also she won’t accept a low-paying, full-time permanent job, and she wants to return to a career in her field, even though no one seems to be hiring. And she’s older now, and there is age discrimination.
I know she is accepting “loans” from them (to repair her car, for surgery for her dog, etc.).
It is an odd situation I am only just now starting to get my head around. I want my parents to preserve their autonomy for as long as possible, without interference from either of their children. But I also feel a responsibility to intervene to help protect their rights, if I can.
The other aspect of her “no boundaries” includes endless gossip to anyone about random private things she is “privy to” because she lives there… not anyone’s business. And it is disrespectful to our parents.
20 years, sounds like the situation I was in a few years ago, only was my son C and his wife and the Trojan Horse standing in for my P son—manipulatiing grandma for loans and gifts…
Not much you can do about it unfortunately, and of course she will milk loans out of them, and never would consider anything lower than her “high paying jobs” because she is “worth more”
Funny thing about her getting fired every few years…she can keep the charm going for a while but then she can’t keep up the charm mask!
Well, I wish I could give you some idea about how you can keep her in check, but I see none. Sorry. 🙁
I know. That’s why I’m kind of circling this cautiously. I’m not concerned with preserving “my share of inheritance” because I’m taking care of myself. My primary concern is that my parents’ assets are preserved sufficient to take care of themselves and whatever may come…
and the every few years firing has been interesting to watch over the years. It is always that she works for “crazy people” and it is always their fault, and they always persecute her in some devious way, forcing her out through innuendo, blackballing, sabotage, demoting her… at first I believed her. I mean, as I have mentioned I have known for a long time that spaths in the workplace exist and had my run-ins with them. And I’ve seen it happen to others. So I know this stuff goes on. But when the same thing happens, repeats every few years, for 25 years… after awhile I start to think… is there a common element here?
I suppose it is possible that a person has such karma or bad luck or sending out a certain kind of vibe (yet be a victim) that they find themselves endlessly persecuted, but it seems very unlikely that it would keep happening.
I learned a long time ago that I can’t win against spaths in the workplace, and i don’t want to play those games. So I don’t. I try not to be a target in the first place, but if I am, I leave. I don’t engage.
I think she enjoys engaging. But why? I’m wondering… is she a spath who wants to win, wins sometimes, but loses more often than winning, but this is the only game she knows?
Cause she does find herself in the victim spot an awful lot… it’s a mask that is also real, you know?
Hope my meaning gets across OK — this is a hard idea to express.
20years,
your situation does sound like a rock and a hard place, so I’m going to change my advice and give you the same advice I gave onestep: be patient. You can tell them later, but you can’t un-tell them.
If you wait, you might be able to see more about what your sister is really thinking. And what her plans are. It might be that she is moving her chess pieces into position and you can offer her a “move” she can’t resist.
Gray rock might be best for now.
yep.
20 years, well you already KNOW what she is, so at least you are not going to be gobsmacked when mommy and daddy wind up broke….and I really dont’ see any way to prevent it, as they are not going to believe you about Sissy.
Sissy has convinced them and they want to believe Sissy because to NOT believe Sissy would be to admit that one of their beloved children is a monster.
That deal of kidnapping your kid, going to the school and telling them that he was not sick, he was truant….WTF? DRAMA??? Maybe she feeds on DRAMA and so she is willing to do anything to promote family drama.
Thanks God this woman has procreated! LOL
I would like sky said, just Gray rock her for now, don’t give her any sign of an emotion or that you are noticing she is doing anything not good to or for your parents. You might commiserate with her about how bad she has it, how much of a psychopath her last boss was and that sort of thing…feeding the two headed dog slabs of sympathy as meat to keep her off your leg so to speak. I would be careful about saying any thing that might be deemed criticism.
ps You might even tell her 20 years, how GLAD you are that she is there to take care of mom and dad during their twilight years…that your career is keeping you away from doing the things for them that they need and that you’d like to do, but you are just so GLAD that she is there….a little reverse psychology. Might also point out that when they get to the point that they aren’t able to drive or take care of themselves that way, you are so glad that she will be there to do it for them. It is always much nicer when family members can do that rather than strangers. hee hee
Ah yes! that’s a good idea Oxy.
20years,
make her think you are so glad YOU don’t live there and have to take care of mom and dad. Be very nuanced, of course, don’t make it too blatant.
hehe. you guys are good.
I can be very nuanced. It is also actually true that my job and the kids and being a single parent make it very hard for me to do the things for our parents that I would like to be able to do at this stage of their lives.
I’m just hoping she actually gets a job that takes her far away again and pays well enough that she can get another apartment.
And Oxy, she didn’t kidnap my kid. He legitimately stayed home from school (he’s a teen) due to illness, and she didn’t believe he was ill (not her job to determine that anyhow) so she took it upon herself to drive to the school to attempt to report him. Weird!!!! Plus, it actually could get me and my son in trouble if the school believed HER. We have truancy laws here and they do put parents in jail and involve CPS and other harsh things. Not her f-ing business.
It really has only been clearly apparent to me in the past several months what she is, because of the proximity, seeing the patterns and the number of instances she inserts herself into all of our lives in an egregiously boundary-violating way. At first when she lost her job, I was genuinely sympathetic and assumed that she was doing these horrible “meddling” things because she was so distraught about her own messed up life, that it helped relieve her stress to focus on others — you know, a co-dependent type of behavior (not that that’s healthy, but it was a more benign interpretation than I have now). Now I see that it is more twisted than that. There’s blame-shifting going on and an utter lack of remorse for any injuries she causes to others through her actions. It’s a very slippery thing, and I believe that is why it took me so long to see it. Don’t you all think spaths are slippery?
Yes, as hard as it is for me to admit this to myself about my sister (I think you all get that I am having “guilty feelings” over so labeling and judging her), I can imagine how much harder it would be to admit it about one’s own child. Ugh.
20, it is difficult to admit it about ANY family member….and I’m not sure one is more difficult than another.
Taking off and going to the school about your kid is WAYYYYYY over the boundary. What was her explaination to you about it? Did the school believe her? What was their take on her coming in like that? (head shaking here) I mean really, that was just a really NASTY THING for her to do. Totally over the boundaries.
Yea, I think the “oh, I’m so glad that you are going to be available to take care of mommy and daddy when they need their bottoms wiped and their food fed to them…the “old maid” daughter who has no children of their own is the perfect one to do this. LOL hee hee (oh, I am such an evil person and Sky is just as bad as I am! hee hee 😀 )