In a post written more than two years ago, Dr. Liane Leedom recommended The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships to Lovefraud readers. In fact, quite a few of you have been discussing the book in your comments. I finally finished the book, and I strongly agree: The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is must reading for anyone who is having difficulty leaving, or recovering from, a relationship with a sociopath.
A betrayal bond, Dr. Carnes explains, is a highly addictive attachment to people who have hurt you. He lists 14 signs that a betrayal bond may be present in your life. Some of them are issues that I’ve frequently seen expressed on Lovefraud:
- When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
- When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
- When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you.
- When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
- When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you.
In boldface type—the only time that I saw Dr. Carnes use boldface in the entire book—he wrote, “You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond.” He elaborates:
Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain. Being crazy will not make it better. No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help without confronting it.
Then, Dr. Carnes lays out a step-by-step plan for confronting the betrayal bond. He clearly explains how the bonds are formed, and the effects that they have. To help you unravel the damage, the book has a series of exercises, and Dr. Carnes recommends that you keep a journal while reading the book to record your responses to the exercises.
I was struck by a statement that seems to reflect what so many of us here at Lovefraud have found. Dr. Carnes wrote, “My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey or recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.”
This book can help you come to terms with your experience, so that it does mean something.
The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
housie
Donna,
This was the first book I read that helped me see the need for breaking free. I wasn’t ready at the time to use the tools suggested, but I shelved it, and later when I was ready, I retrieved it and absorbed it a little at a time. As I read it now, it feels so good to know the mission is complete, and the P is not only no longer in my life, but he is no longer in my soul as well. The relief is incredible.
What I enjoyed most about the book was Dr. Carnes vulnerability in sharing his own story, and also the way he outlined the steps to recovery. Many times I knew what I was supposed to do, but didn’t have a clue as to HOW to do it.
The copy in my bookcase is tattered and outlined and worn, but it remains one of my most favorite. I am glad you have copies available. I found mine when I was at the beach and happened to browse through a book store, finding it in a discount section. I refer to it when I want to feel good about the addiction to the P being healed.
neveragain
Donna, I’m so glad you are carrying this book now. As I’ve said before, my copy is falling apart, but I no longer am, in no small part due to this book. There are exercises in there that I repeat over and over and get new insights from.
I wish he would now come out with a workbook to go with the book. And expand on some of the recovery exercises, add some more. So if you are in contact with him, please suggest that!
My book is highlighted in three colors, underlined, post it notes all over the place, paper clips!!!!!!!!
The ten steps to stay grounded in reality really helped me! Well, actually it is hard to pick out just one thing. I had to outline the book to really understand it, to be able to see it all in my mind without the book.
The description of anger that it opens with is so validating. And the first example shows how a quick incident can be a major trauma, which is so helpful to those of us who tend to minimize.
My favorite sentence from the whole book is “Your whole emotional and intellectual stance toward that person must be different” (referring to the abuser). I have worked very hard to get to that point and I’m there.
Another great sentence is ” Remember, the principal problem trauma victims have is reactivity.”
And in chapter 7, he reassures us that we are right on schedule when we are at the point that we realize how evil the other person is, how they almost killed us….and can’t wait to see them again and melt in their arms. And he shows us how to get past that.
Wonderful book!
neveragain
And his book has lots of advise for betrayal bonds at work, in religion, with a parent….it is not just about or for romantic relationships.
Ox Drover
I agree, Donna, this book is a MUST READ for every person who has a “trauma bond”——I had “noticed” a long time ago that the people I feel the closest to are those that I have either been there to support THEM trhough some sort of “trauma” or death in the family etc. or the people who have been there for me to support me through it all, rather than feeling as close to people who have been with me through the good times and vice versa.
There is something about the experiencing HIGH STRESS of any kind that I think makes us bond to whomever is in the vacinity at the time we are experiencing it, sort of liike a baby goose responds to and bonds with the FIRST MOVING OBJECT it sees after hatching. I’m not sure about the genetic tendency for this but I think it also accounts for the closeness some combat veterans feel their entire lives to those people who were with them at such-and-such a battle, that common terror and trauma bonds them like super-glue.
This book makes so much sense and was really very very beneficial to me, my copy was bought on Amazon.com used for 1 cent with #3.99 shipping as were many others of the “self help” books I have bought about psychopaths and trauma, so “anyone” can afford it if they look around for a cheap used copy. My copy was in excellent condition when I received it and like the others mentioned, it is now, ragged, underlined, margin noted, high lighted, pages dog-earred and cover coming loose from many many times of reading and re-reading this wonderful and enlightening book.
Matt
Donna:
Concur. This book is required reading for Sociopath 101. It was a Godsend.
You might want to take a look at Dan Neuharth’s “If You Had Controlling Parents.” Like Carnes so clearly lays out the various responses to trauma, Neuharth clearly lays out the kinds of control that can be used. I found the two were good companion pieces and really helped clarify just how my parents put the trauma/betrayal bonds in place.
Ox Drover
Matt,
I took your earlier suggestion on the “controlling parents” book and I totally AGREE WITH YOU on that one as well, the two books ARE great companion books.
This “healing” stuff is actually an “education” in itself, and learning about US—“socio-path 101” is only I think a VERY SMALL PART of the “healing” curriculum we need to learn about,.
Pesel
OxDover—-if the healing curriculum is only a very small part of the education itself—that else do you suggest I read?
Pesel
OxDover—-if the healing curriculum is only a very small part of the education itself—what else do you suggest I read?
neveragain
The Emotional Rape Syndrome by Michael Fox, PhD really helped me also.
Kathleen Hawk
Ditto on Emotional Rape Syndrome (which I’m reading now), plus The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. If I’d found that last book early in my recovery, I would have gotten through it a lot faster.