In a post written more than two years ago, Dr. Liane Leedom recommended The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships to Lovefraud readers. In fact, quite a few of you have been discussing the book in your comments. I finally finished the book, and I strongly agree: The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is must reading for anyone who is having difficulty leaving, or recovering from, a relationship with a sociopath.
A betrayal bond, Dr. Carnes explains, is a highly addictive attachment to people who have hurt you. He lists 14 signs that a betrayal bond may be present in your life. Some of them are issues that I’ve frequently seen expressed on Lovefraud:
- When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
- When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
- When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you.
- When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
- When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you.
In boldface type—the only time that I saw Dr. Carnes use boldface in the entire book—he wrote, “You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond.” He elaborates:
Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain. Being crazy will not make it better. No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help without confronting it.
Then, Dr. Carnes lays out a step-by-step plan for confronting the betrayal bond. He clearly explains how the bonds are formed, and the effects that they have. To help you unravel the damage, the book has a series of exercises, and Dr. Carnes recommends that you keep a journal while reading the book to record your responses to the exercises.
I was struck by a statement that seems to reflect what so many of us here at Lovefraud have found. Dr. Carnes wrote, “My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey or recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.”
This book can help you come to terms with your experience, so that it does mean something.
The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
Erin – absolutely fantastic advice:)x I ditto what she said!:)
Kate –
I am glad you have come here and you will get a lot of strength and clarity here ( it might not be instant! and you might fall off the ‘wagon’ – like me) but just by coming here and starting this process you are setting things in motion for a much healthier and happier life:)xx
I am a little worried about something,ndid I read on another thread that ‘he’ has seen this site…does he know you are blogging?
:)xx
Erin – absolutely fantastic advice:)x I ditto what she said!:)
Kate –
I am glad you have come here and you will get a lot of strength and clarity here ( it might not be instant! and you might fall off the ‘wagon’ – like me) but just by coming here and starting this process you are setting things in motion for a much healthier and happier life:)xx
I am a little worried about something,ndid I read on another thread that ‘he’ has seen this site…does he know you are blogging?
:)xx
Another Great resource for Healing and Compassion and Understanding! At best Awareness vs understanding!
http://counsellingresource.com/ask-the-psychologist/2009/07/01/repeating-negative-cycles-in-my-relationships/
Dang!!! Some more triggers!!! The masochistic piece is presenting itself before us. I was raped more than once, and just chalked it up to my weirdness or something I invited. Interesting timing – today I got a tooth pulled. While reading this blog I spotted this section on masochism and had a memory of when I was 19 and in bed one afternoon, as I had just had 4 wisdom teeth pulled. My “boyfriend aka abuser) came to the door, and when I didn’t answer, he went around to the back of the house and climbed in a kitchen window. He also climbed in my bed. As I told him no, my mind was thinking yes, as I was so desperate for someone to love me. To me that was love back in those days. Today I realize it was rape. My body was never mine, but whoever wanted it for whatever they wished to do with it. Wonder where I got THAT message??
Also, something’s been bugging me alot. I have been watching Bachelorette Show on t.v. with cute little Jillian. She has narrowed her search for a husband down to three guys. I am so excited, as I was able to spot out the sociopath from the first. What a slimebag he is. Watching him made my skin crawl, and I thought, “Girlie, you have some work to do”. Has anyone else picked up on that? My radar’s working!!!!
Wes is the name of the slick, sick, creepy dirtbag above on the Bachelorette Show!!
Housie!
I also saw The Bachelorette Monday night. I spotted him, too!!!
Did you see his behavior in the Limo?!?!?!?
RAGING SOCIOPATH/NARCISSIST on display for the nation to see!!!!!
Is that going to be good for CD sales?
HIS NAME WAS WES.
hello everyone, i haven’t been posting in quite some time and am in a terrible mess as my dad is dying of cancer and they my brother, my dad’s executor etc. twice have tried to pressure me and without even allowing me legal advice to sign papers giving my stepmother and brother life lease of my grandmothers farm. I am the one who my grandmother had to look after her as they never bothered to visit only took money. They took my mothers money and she died penniless and this shit for brains executor of my dad’s is power tripping (my mother despised him) and he brought up how my mother was burried like a pauper and did i know what that was . I can’t get into all the details but in short my brother has taken everyones money his whole life(fullblown alcoholic) and my dad has enabled him all the way. I asked for nothing and even now they want me to foreit my 1/3 it’s dispicable to say the least and im so mixed. One day they are telling me that my dad loves us equally and the next they are throwing papers in front of me to sign or else im left out of his 1/3. My son who is a decent boy waiting to ggo into military as an officer had had enough and said im going out to talk my paul(never called him grandpa) resonably to explain that my mom is single and she was the one who my grandma turned to and my brother is a total fuckup. My brother saw us in town and threatened to run us off the road if we upset hiim as he knew seeing my son meant someone with common sense was going to talk to my dad. I knew my brother was a coward but my son said he was not risking his career with these rednecks etc. We get there and my step mother is outside and she doesn’t realize my brother is just using her to stay there thinking he will eventually get her out as she can’t afford and isn’t intending to stay on farm. In essence they didn’t let my son or i see my dad but some local guy pulled in and my stepmom said he had woken up and he could see him. My grandmother and my mother never saw a dime off of two farms that they owned in there lifemtimes and they think they can blow me off too. Im so weak after all the shit ive been through with the sociopath but i don’t think he was as bad as all this shit with my family. So much for the trauma program, my life has gotten worse , still not back to work(they are holding thngs up with economy too many want the hours) and im getting longterm but my mind is going crazy with all the shit i’ve had thrown at me , im down to 100 lbs and trying to eat and i can’t beleive that every man i’ve ever had in my life other than my sons has betrayed me and screwed me over. I was in bed earlier today as i was spinning and even driving im so distracted knowing my dad is ill and i really am contimplating not even going to the wake(another excuse to blow more money) they have treated me so shitty. Then i get so angry i think i could literally go out there and tell my brother to go ahead and drink himself to death as he deserves to . My one gf said no wonder your poor mom drank herself to death having to deal with these idiots. My ex sister in law is behind me and my step mother has all along told me not to go along with different ideas(severing farm etc.) they have. I am not exaggerating when i say my brother has blown through over half a million and is not behind in child support and my dad is worried aobut him and our family name. Wtf is wrong with these idiots. I’ve tried all my life to get the approval from them and my brother is sickeningly jealous of me and for what . I asked for not a dime and have always tried to be good to them. It makes me sick to think and then i worry about what people will think but i don’t even want to deal with them and they have not done right by any of the women in their lives. They are rednecks with no brains and when i was married i at least had my husband(banker who twice refinanced them to get them out of trouble) but now im on my own, I don’t even know how my dad is doing and then i think why the hell am i caring. They should be sick with shame for the way they have treated me but they can’t stand the fact that im the executor of my grandmas will and it’s in trust to me a woman. I dkon’t know how im going to make it through all the shit i have ahead of me, my brother is telling people im on drugs to boot as i’ve lost so much weight. I keep thinking of my mom and my grandma and that motivates me to try and stay strong and not let them get the best of me but my feelings get in the way . I flip from wanting to literally hate them to feeling pity for myself and them. love kindheart
Rosa,
I DID see him in the limo and also throughout the show. I smelled him like a rat throughout the whole show. I have empathy for Jillian, as she obviously has some unresolved issues in her life to be attracted to him. What I observed in him was such a lack of heartfelt emotion. He said the words, but he was hollow inside. He reminded me of my ex and only continued to reinforce what I was feeling in my ex’s lack of emotional connection. It seemed my ex got much worse the last 18 years, but I think that I had gotten much better and was better able to recognize it.
I was aghast at the really neat guys like Jake who genuinely cared for Jillian, had a stable job as an airline pilot and obviously knew what compassion meant, cast aside in favor of a dude with a line of lies and a wannabe career as a musician. I can’t fix her, but I can pray for her. Thanks, Rosa, for your neat comments.
Lisa Scott is the author about “It’s all About Him” @....... lisaescott.com
The members there are pretty much having the same opinion about the show Wes on “The Bachelorette” is a Raging Narcissist as the member here at LoveFraud.
I haven’t see the show myself but know the member here at LoveFraud so I no doubt believe their assumption as being correct. I am not much of a reality show watcher myself just to note.
http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/07/06/wes-bachelorette-raging-narcissist#comment-5507
Housie:
Yeah, poor Jake!!
They should make him the next bachelor.
Jillian definitely needs to educate herself about the S/P/N. That was way to close for comfort.
P.S. And it wouldn’t hurt the producers of the show or whoever picks these guys to educate themselves, too.
Thanks for the link, James.