In a post written more than two years ago, Dr. Liane Leedom recommended The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships to Lovefraud readers. In fact, quite a few of you have been discussing the book in your comments. I finally finished the book, and I strongly agree: The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is must reading for anyone who is having difficulty leaving, or recovering from, a relationship with a sociopath.
A betrayal bond, Dr. Carnes explains, is a highly addictive attachment to people who have hurt you. He lists 14 signs that a betrayal bond may be present in your life. Some of them are issues that I’ve frequently seen expressed on Lovefraud:
- When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
- When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
- When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you.
- When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
- When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you.
In boldface type—the only time that I saw Dr. Carnes use boldface in the entire book—he wrote, “You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond.” He elaborates:
Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back. You cannot walk away from it. Time will not heal it. Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain. Being crazy will not make it better. No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help without confronting it.
Then, Dr. Carnes lays out a step-by-step plan for confronting the betrayal bond. He clearly explains how the bonds are formed, and the effects that they have. To help you unravel the damage, the book has a series of exercises, and Dr. Carnes recommends that you keep a journal while reading the book to record your responses to the exercises.
I was struck by a statement that seems to reflect what so many of us here at Lovefraud have found. Dr. Carnes wrote, “My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey or recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.”
This book can help you come to terms with your experience, so that it does mean something.
The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
kindheart: I don’t know if you can see it yourself, but to me you seem much stronger than you were before. I know you want to see your father, is there any way to avoid talking much with the others? Maybe you should get an attorney (after your father passes away??) and then you won’t have to talk to them at all. Don’t sign anything!!!!! Please write again soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oxy
Just back from holiday (didn’t realise how much I needed to get away and relax – had lots of laughs too, which has been a great tonic).
Just read your post of the 7th and, once again, got great clarity from your ‘spot on’ insights re: adventurous women and that, perhaps, being the reason we attract these ‘types’. Also, the analogy about an animal ‘holding its prey’ struck a note with me and made real sense of why we/I ‘froze’ and allowed it to continue (always making excuses for unacceptable behaviour/verbal and physical abuse. Definitely am going to get a copy of The Betrayal Bond – I think it might help me with the next stage of healing – there is still stuff I HAVE to understand about myself/the whole dynamic of what happened to move on to what I hope will be the ‘self-forgiveness’.
Thanks Oxy.
All good wishes.
Welcome back Escapee:)x So happy to hear you got away and had a relaxing time:)x
‘there is still stuff I HAVE to understand about myself/the whole dynamic of what happened to move on to what I hope will be the ‘self-forgiveness’.
I totally get this. I am at this point with my family.I have begun with completely rejecting a continuation of the b/s and now have requested my social care records and health records, contacted old social workers to try and just put the puzzle pieces together…for myself.I worry a little whether I should be opening this ‘can of worms’ and should just ditch it move on…but that feels like putting a band aid on a broken leg. I really feel it will help me in my next stage of healing, they’ve spent so long spinning their self serving webs I never knew which way was up- doubted my own memories…
Anyway, beautifully put.
The Betrayal bond is on my long list of LF recomended reading sitting in my Amazon basket waiting for me to be able to afford it:)
xxxxx
blueskies and all,
Don’t forget your local library. Even if they do not have a particular title in their collection, you can get many books through a service called interlibrary loan. The cost is minimal. I got “Betrayal Bond” through interlibrary loan; the fee was around $2.00.
Blueskies
It’s sounding like a real trip into the unknown for you. If you do decide you need to ‘open the can of worms’, before you do – make sure you have as much support from those who have your best interests at heart.
I identify with ‘doubting your own memory’ – the great thing about how I am starting to feel is that (and I can’t remember who said this – maybe Oxy or Steve Becker) is that it helped me to reclaim the integrity of my own judgement and rebuild my confidence. They twist your mind around so much that you have no trust in your feelings or intuition. Reclaim it – I say – but, as with everything, when you are coming out the other side of S/N/Ps – do it on your own terms and in your own time – another great healing realisation is that you are on your schedule NOT theirs!
Be kind to yourself wherever possible.
All Love to you.
Right now I’m reading “Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life”..It is about “high-level narcissists” . It is unexpectedly spiritual it seems, jumping to the end!
Has anyone else read it?
Well I went out and bought this book The Betrayal Bond. I am reading it now. One of my main issues dealing with the S in my life is the projection issues.. The S in my life is so good at it.. Any time I try 2 show or share emotions he turns it around on me.. I always end up feeling like I am the unstable one or maybe I ask 2 much.. I used 2 feel weak but I am starting 2 see that I am getting stronger. I have often wonderd why I picked or stayed with a S.. It’s strange how my identical twin sister also is in an abusive relationship. So glad I bought this book.
Dear Escapee,
Just got to your post to me about my earlier post…glad you had a good time away….we definitely need that sometimes.
There comes a time I think in our healing from the Ps that it is NO LONGER about THEM, but about US.
There is a great deal of evidence that their behaviors and aggression are genetic, and I wonder if there is something about our passivity that is also genetic. There was a study done by a man at Ft. Roots Veterans Administration Center in Little Rock, AR that spanned two decades, he was breeding a “race” of dogs, starting from one litter, breeding the more aggressive to the more aggressive and the more timid and passive ones to the more timind and passive ones and after about 20 generations, he had two groups of dogs that though they all had the SAME TWO common ancestors 20 generations back, were totally different in temperment. One group viscious and the other so passive that they woujld “belly crawl and whine” at anything. If my P-son could inherit the genes from my P-sperm donor and his ancestors and from his father’s P-father and be aggressive, what is to say that I didn’t inherit the genes, along with the socialization I got to be the “caregiver” and patsy to the aggressive ones?
Makes me wonder, though, if there isn’t some genetic links in at least SOME OF THE VICTIMS too.
I just watched the clip on CNN from the Joy Behar Show about sex trafficking. What an idiot Joy appeared to me, and judgmental, though I think she SORT OF realized her mistake, but not totally. She said something like “Now you know you should have called the police earlier”.
I think there is very little understanding of trauma bonds and maybe they ought to be called trauma chains!!!!
http://joybehar.blogs.cnn.com/2010/11/19/woman-rescued-after-10-months-as-sex-slave/ is a copy of the clip referred to above.