By Ox Drover
When I picked up and started reading The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., not everything resonated with me, though I have always tried to “please people,” especially those close to me. There was a great deal of the book, though, that did resonate and validate the similarities between “women who love psychopaths,” as described in the book by that name by Dr. Liane Leedom and Sandra Brown, and “people-pleasers.”
Dr. Braiker is a practicing clinical psychologist with 25 years experience and is author of several books. This one defines “people-pleasers” as:
not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say “Yes” when they really want to say “NO.” For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use “niceness” and “people-pleasing” as self defense camouflage.
This book is divided into three main parts, as Dr. Braiker sees people pleasers as people who have “People pleasing MINDSETS,” people who have “People-pleasing HABITS,” and people who have “People pleasing FEELINGS.” The fourth part is a 21-day action plan for curing this “disease.”
Though in several instances Dr. Braiker describes a relationship with a sociopath, she labels this person a “controlling” person.
It is imperative that you recognize how dangerous and self-sabotaging your people-pleasing tendencies with men can become so that you can change the unhealthy dynamic of your relationships. Otherwise, the Disease to Please will serve as a veritable mating call to men who have a perverse need and desire to control nearly every aspect of your behavior. Worse yet, you will allow them to do so.
Nothing is out of bounds to a controlling man with a people-pleaser whom he can mold at will—from your appearance to your opinions, your performance in bed to your performance at work, your relationships with friends to your bonds with family. And, in no time, your ego and self-esteem will deteriorate from modeling clay into silly putty.
When he is done playing with you or you are done being played with (whichever comes first), you will have some serious reparative work to do on a self that you may hardly still recognize as your own.
Unless you repair the damage by during the Disease to Please that produced it, you will limp away from the relationship with the brand “damaged goods” on your ego. Then, issuing the familiar mating call, you will continue to present yourself as the people-pleasing victim to the next controlling man that recognizes your vulnerability to his power.
The controlling man will always keep you off-center and feeling anxious. Since he needs to change you to demonstrate his control, you can never feel comfortable or secure with the thought that he cares about the person that you truly are—or used to be before he started chipping away at your identity.
While this book is not about psychopathic relationships per se, the focus on how many people end up sacrificing their own legitimate selves, to try to “please” the one who will never be pleased, does describe the “traditional” relationship with a psychopath.
I think the self-affirming statements at the end of each chapter are excellent guides in changing our thinking, habits and our feelings about ourselves.
An few examples of these are:
If you have to compromise your own values, needs, or identity as a special and unique individual, then the price of nice is just too high.
It’s okay not to be nice.
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” in order to protect your emotional, physical health or well-being should make you feel guilty—not the other way around.
Your value as a human being does not depend on the things you do for others.
Though I think Dr. Braiker seems to be applying the term “Disease to Please” in place of the older term “enabler,” her descriptions of the thoughts, feelings and habits practiced by the two are pretty much the same. Her description of those who will take advantage of someone else she calls “controlling,” which seems to be the primary motivation of many psychopaths. I personally would have preferred that she “call a spade a spade,” but at the same time, I think her target audience might be more apt to read the book with the labels that she did choose to use.
There were helpful reinforcements for positive changes, and over all, I liked the book very much. It isn’t difficult to understand and her advice is reasonable and realistic.
The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome is available on Amazon.com.
Dear Witsend,
I feel for you, sweetie, it is damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Whatever you do it seems to NOT work. Oh, how I remember those days. when P son jumped bail from Florida and went back to Texas, he had on one of those ankle monitors that was attached to a phone, supposedly if he didn’t answer by putting his monitor on the phone, they would come pick him up…well he split town and I called his PO to tell him, and NADA. A few days later I called them to tell them where he was. NADA response. so 3 months later, after he misses his court appearance, they call me and want to know wher ehe is! so, they go pick him up in Texas and bring him back—Oh, and in the meantime I had called the Texas cops and told them there was a warrant out for hm for jumping bail (he was 17) THEY DIDN’T believe me!!!! so I can definnitely relate to the frustration you feel in seeking help.
Yea, he won’t take his medicine so you should make him? RIGHT!!! What part of I CAN’T MAKE HIM DO SQUAT do they not get? These “helpful” professionals need my cyber skillet up beside their thick skulls, BUT the thing you must keep in mind, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You did the BEST you could, and frankly, I think if they had responded the result would be the same, if he decides he will NOT BE CONTROLLED, he can’t be controlled. he can be locked up, but NOT controlled.
“Consequences”—spanking, time out, go to your room, sit in a corner, go to jail—whatever they are, don’t stop someone if THEY DO NOT CARE.
I’ve had 20+ years to work through this with my son and yiou are just a few years into this, so don’t expect to “get over” this or even “work it through” over night. I hope and pray you don’t take 20 years the way i have, but at the same time, we have to work our way through in our own way, our own time, and it’s hard…but I’m glad that you are seeing that this is NOT your “fault.” he is not legally “a man” yet, but he is making HIS own decisions and those are out of your control. I think that being “out of my control” was a big issue, I kept thinking if I just found the way to “control” it, the way to get inside his head and make him see it would be OK.
It was not in my control, not my ability to change it, and that is what was difficult to accept and not feel like a “failure”—but I was not a failure and you are not either. We didn’t have the result we wanted, but we did not fail. We were/are good concerned and loving parents, but we didn’t get the result we wanted.
Keep your chin, up Wits and keep your faith in yourself. You did all that anyone could! (((hugs))))
Justabouthealed,
Thanks, doll. You know, I don’t share my experiences with the LF members in an attempt to brag about how badarse I am. Not at all. I do it as proof that a once uber sensitive, self conscious, scared lil rabbit of gal absolutely CAN make positive, affirming, self preservation actions daily.
It is possible for all of us to alter, change those debilitating unhealthy habits we unfortunately learned as children which caused us to be ripe pickens for dangerous future predators. We most certainly DO NOT ever need to compromise our values, our ideas, our beliefs, our innate wonderul unique selves to please one damn person.
I view it this way: if a man/woman doesn’t like or appreciate who we are as independent individuals then we should hand them their walking papers and we should skeedadle pronto, know what I’m saying?
I just don’t waste any more of my precious time and energy on miscreants. Or even silly immature types. They irritate me and expend my limited patience fairly quickly.
I really want to express that the primary reason I continue to read LF, besides the awesome wisdom and information shared, is that I do not want to lose sight of the gentle, warm and caring woman that I am while gaining a thick skin, a tough no-nonsense mentality and state of being.
By staying in touch with the struggles of the lovely folks on here, it keeps me reality oriented, empathetic and compassionate. I don’t want to lose that integral part of myself as I heal and go stronger every day.
Love and hugs to all…xxooxxoooxx!!
🙂
Dear janie,
You wonderful, AWESOME spirit, I am so glad that you are HERE and miss your posts when you are gone.
I too share your “loyalty” to LF and realize that like an alcoholic in AA I NEED TO BE HERE, no matter how “good” I am doing on a particular day, I am here to REAFFIRM MY HEALING, to keep myself on the TRACK.
Just like the AA member who hasn’t had a drink is 10 years I know that I am VULNERABLE on some level to go backward is I hear the SIREN SONG of of a P and do not keep up my journey toward healing. I REALIZE THAT NO MATTER HOW STRONG I AM I can always BACK SLIDE if i do not keep up with my own healing and feel myself too “cocky” and “arrogant” about how far I have come. I am, like the alcoholic who is ONE DRINK AWAY from the gutter, I am one slip away from another PSYCHOPATHIC CON.
I AM strong, I know that, but I am AS VULNERABLE to another psychopath as anyone on this list, as I have been in the past, if I do not keep on my HEALING JOURNEY, if I ever feel “too safe” to protect myself, if I don’t keep on looking for RED FLAGS to warn me away from psychopaths.
Going back over old articles, I see names that I knew in the months and years past here that apparently no longer come here and read and I wonder about these people. I know that some of them have gone back to their abusers, and I imagine some of them have found NEW abusers, and some have probably gone on to good relationships or good lives, but I am NOT confident that without the support and reinforcement I get here that I could be AS SAFE as I feel coming here and learning MORE, reinforcing what I already know, and FIRMING my resoslve to NOT get involved even with a “friend” who is abusive AT ALL. As a result, my NUMBER of friends is waaaay down, but the QUALITY of friends is much much better and I am also out making NEW friends, VERY cautiously, because new people in our lives is a GOOD thing, if we CHOOSE them carefully.
As I go about my chores during the day, I will sit down and “rest” in front of my computer and scan the blogs, try to keep up—and especially after 14 straight days of RAIN!!! here! when it is difficult to get outside. Please God, let me see the SUN!!
(It was out for about an hour today)
Each day I read, each thing I write, helps me to be stronger and to feel better about how I am doing. But even I have my doubts and my down days some days. My stress reactions, and boy did I have one to the episode with the Minister I thought would help me—I broke out in shingles, a very painful thing, and VERY stress related!
So keeping myself headed in the right direction, and keeping my life as FREE OF STRESS as possible, as PEACEFUL as possible, and being GOOD TO MYSELF every day, is a really self-affirming thing. LOVE FRAUD IS A BIG PART OF THAT! I bless you all in my prayers and thoughts ever day and Donna for making this blog!
A burden shared is halved, a joy shared is DOUBLED! We help each other by sharing burdens and stresses, and we rejoice with each other when we have a good day. That is friendship. folks, even if we never see each other’s faces!!!!
TOWANDA!!!!
JS and Oxy, I am so glad you are here. I’m new to LF although I’ve been studying P’s online for about two years. I’ve been NC from my last P for as long, and haven’t been in any new relationship. I believe I’ve come through the various stages such as grief and anger etc. quite well, however, I have been pretty stuck in isolation and hopelessness, low self esteem, and general inertia. Since I’ve been coming here, I’ve gained insight, energy, goals, and aspirations, and I don’t feel so isolated. I have more hope. I’ve decided to make a commitment to my recovery and take time everyday to work toward that goal. I see new improvemnt in myself where once I was just stuck.
Thanks again for being here, and that goes for everybody else here at LF. God Bless.
Dear Kim,
I am glad to be here, both for others and FOR MYSELF. I have tried to give back at least 1% of the good I have gotten from LF—and that’s the thing that makes this place work! People coming here for comfort and then giving comfort back to the new people who come in here.
It starts off learning about THEM, and ends up learning about OURSELVES….how we can improve ourselves. We can’t improve them, but we can make ourselves less likely to be victims in the future and to heal the wounds from the past.
We were not to blame for being victims, they had no right to abuse us, but we did ALLOW that abuse—-so we have to see what it is about US that tended to make us allow that abuse.
Sometimes it is low self esteem, sometimes it is the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) but we do NOT have to allow anyone to abuse us in the FUTURE. We can’t change th epast but we can LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES and to LOVE OURSELVES.
It has been a slow and painful at times and long road, but I feel like I am at a better place than I have ever been before (I will be 63 in a couple of months!) but I will continue to work on ME—and a happier and better life every day!!! (((hugs)))) nd God bless you Kim as you travel on your healing journey, because it is NOT a destination, but the journey!!! (((hugs))))
Oxy,
I hope you are feeling better! Due to all the BS I am dealing with-lawyer, judges, etc.- I also got shingles 3 weeks ago. I got to the doctor right away, even though it meant living on PB & J for the next month. I can be grateful that being a cancer survivor, I have a high pain tolerance level. Sometimes just getting up to face another day is challenge enough, without being sick.
Dear Stiles,
Glad to see you around, I know shingles can be very painful and the pain can last after the rash is gone. I have recurrent shingles which seems to come with stress, first episode was in 1978…and off and on since then. It is rare for it to be recurrent, but does happen. I keep antiviral medication on hand it always seems to break out when it is a weekend! Medication helps too! I was given the option of taking all the time to prevent it (low dose) but I don’t like to take medication all the time if I don’t HAVE to and as the stress has decreased it is less frequent.
That is why it is so iimportant to me to keep stress low, and I know that I mostly mentally stress myself…so I am working on the root cause, and that is my THINKING—wondering, worrying.
My rash is gone now and so is the pain, so will continue to work on being good to myself.
Had a great day today, the sun finally came out late this afternoon, was beautiful sunset with contrails of red and clouds swirling off into the horizon. I spent some time outside just appreciating the beauty of it all before the light faded.
I hope you are being good to yourself, too, Stiles, you deserve it. Glad you went to the doctor even if it did mean PB&J for a month! That’s being good to yourself! Putting priorities of YOU first!
I hope that everything comes out well with you and the legal stuff! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Keep a stiff upper lip and try not to let it get to you as much as you can prevent it! Realize that you are still better off, you are NOT one of “them”—unfeeling, uncaring! and keep in mind you are NOT alone! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Witsend, I do know how you feel. When my 16 year old daughter left school against my exs and My wishes, ran away from home and disappeared for 6 months, the police basically told me there was nothing they could do unless she wasa} a prostitute, b} a drug addict, or c] insane enough to be sectioned.They would not even look for her. I late found out that all that time my younger daughter knew all the time where D 1 was living, but was sworn to secrecy. After 6 months of me worrying myself half crazy, I got a phone call from this woman who said,” I think I may have your daughter here.” D. had turned up one evening in the pouring rain, hair flat to her head with rain, 2 garbage bags of clothes, and told this woman she was destitute and homeless. My daughter had her own nice flat under the house,!with her own tiny kitchen and shower, my ex even promised her a small allowance if she agred to go back to school. This woman gave us her address, and my ex went and picked D up after his work.
She was home for a year, but it was a nightmare, she would jump out her bedroom window and race off into the night.
One day I found a script for birth control pills in her purse,{i know I shouldnt have been looking.} I called her Dr., and he told me it was none of my business! I said, “It is certainly my business, Im her Mother! ” “And for the record, I told him, her name is not D. Neeson,{ name of a pop star she liked. }
She used to do AWFUL things, like putting used tampons in her dressing table drawer.I couldnt believe it, my lovely sweet ,quiet girl had. becomea monster! I thought this must be normal teenage behaviour, but now I know she was becoming a Narcopath.Nothing I could have done.Not to say I didnt beat myself up with guilt and worry on a daily basis, for years and years.I read her diary once and she said in it,”My Mother is a T—d faced C–t”. Charming!!Geminigirl.
I do give. I am a giver.. and that must be what they sense in me. A friend told me that I am a nice good person and so ‘bad’ people are drawn to this.. but this last man that I was with gave the impression of a giver.. in fact, on certain levels he was a giver.. but it was only when he thought that he could con me.. It was part of his con.. and I always felt uncomfortable with him on some level. And in the beginning I didn’t feel an attraction.. I was attracted to all the attention that he lavished on me.. but that was to suck me in and to keep me sucked in…there was no middle ground… like normal couples.. just being together.. in the beginning he was always touching me, holding my hand, telling me he loved me, telling me how beautiful I am .. I literally got sick of hearing how beautiful that Iam… but now, at times, I miss it..
It is wierd.. but I am seeing what kept me in something that I didn’t want… and it was up to me to pull back and away.. which I did the whole time but not enough.. he kept sucking until he got a partial satisfaction.. then when he realized that I was onto him.. I was tired of living in my life, in my house, while he sent his money to his kids..all the while ‘talking and talking about what he would do for me ‘when’ his ship came in… LOLOLOLOL then it blew up. His ship was coming in the wholr time that I was with him and it never arrived.
The ex S was a brownnose. I used to notice this whenever we were around someone with money. But I chose to ignore it.
There were also loads of red flags, but I chose to ignore these also. They were few and far between and I forgot upsets easily.
I sometimes used to look at him when he was not looking and I thought that he had a very selfish look about his face.
But he worked hard and was very good to me–so I thought it I must have been mistaken.
Also–people told me about things about him. For instance–he was overheard in a pub saying that he liked to play mindgames with the wife.
I chose to believe him. I was loyal.
I am not a people pleaser. But I liked to please him. I liked to see a smile on his face.
I hate being controlled–therefore that’s why I think that when the S appeared suddenly–he did his damdest to break me here. Everytime I fought back he stepped up the abuse and devalued me.
I think I will live life on my own now. I can’t imagine putting all that emotional energy into someone else.
He smashed my dreams and at 48 my family is getting up and this was a big part of them. We could relax and have a good time together now that we were alone.
I need a history with someone and I am devasted to learn that there was none.
22 years of MY life.
Peace and Love