By Ox Drover
When I picked up and started reading The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., not everything resonated with me, though I have always tried to “please people,” especially those close to me. There was a great deal of the book, though, that did resonate and validate the similarities between “women who love psychopaths,” as described in the book by that name by Dr. Liane Leedom and Sandra Brown, and “people-pleasers.”
Dr. Braiker is a practicing clinical psychologist with 25 years experience and is author of several books. This one defines “people-pleasers” as:
not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say “Yes” when they really want to say “NO.” For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use “niceness” and “people-pleasing” as self defense camouflage.
This book is divided into three main parts, as Dr. Braiker sees people pleasers as people who have “People pleasing MINDSETS,” people who have “People-pleasing HABITS,” and people who have “People pleasing FEELINGS.” The fourth part is a 21-day action plan for curing this “disease.”
Though in several instances Dr. Braiker describes a relationship with a sociopath, she labels this person a “controlling” person.
It is imperative that you recognize how dangerous and self-sabotaging your people-pleasing tendencies with men can become so that you can change the unhealthy dynamic of your relationships. Otherwise, the Disease to Please will serve as a veritable mating call to men who have a perverse need and desire to control nearly every aspect of your behavior. Worse yet, you will allow them to do so.
Nothing is out of bounds to a controlling man with a people-pleaser whom he can mold at will—from your appearance to your opinions, your performance in bed to your performance at work, your relationships with friends to your bonds with family. And, in no time, your ego and self-esteem will deteriorate from modeling clay into silly putty.
When he is done playing with you or you are done being played with (whichever comes first), you will have some serious reparative work to do on a self that you may hardly still recognize as your own.
Unless you repair the damage by during the Disease to Please that produced it, you will limp away from the relationship with the brand “damaged goods” on your ego. Then, issuing the familiar mating call, you will continue to present yourself as the people-pleasing victim to the next controlling man that recognizes your vulnerability to his power.
The controlling man will always keep you off-center and feeling anxious. Since he needs to change you to demonstrate his control, you can never feel comfortable or secure with the thought that he cares about the person that you truly are—or used to be before he started chipping away at your identity.
While this book is not about psychopathic relationships per se, the focus on how many people end up sacrificing their own legitimate selves, to try to “please” the one who will never be pleased, does describe the “traditional” relationship with a psychopath.
I think the self-affirming statements at the end of each chapter are excellent guides in changing our thinking, habits and our feelings about ourselves.
An few examples of these are:
If you have to compromise your own values, needs, or identity as a special and unique individual, then the price of nice is just too high.
It’s okay not to be nice.
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” in order to protect your emotional, physical health or well-being should make you feel guilty—not the other way around.
Your value as a human being does not depend on the things you do for others.
Though I think Dr. Braiker seems to be applying the term “Disease to Please” in place of the older term “enabler,” her descriptions of the thoughts, feelings and habits practiced by the two are pretty much the same. Her description of those who will take advantage of someone else she calls “controlling,” which seems to be the primary motivation of many psychopaths. I personally would have preferred that she “call a spade a spade,” but at the same time, I think her target audience might be more apt to read the book with the labels that she did choose to use.
There were helpful reinforcements for positive changes, and over all, I liked the book very much. It isn’t difficult to understand and her advice is reasonable and realistic.
The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome is available on Amazon.com.
Hecates:
I saw that in the news a while back…..I thought it was just hilarious! Go girls…..although……they shouldn’t have broken the laws………
The past week, with the date and my hormonal ‘changes’ and the S ducking service, my attorney lagging and life happening……..my mind has been down in a funk, so to speak…..I am really pissed off at the S for continuing to play the game……and I have to stay on top of it, at all times…..and I am!
I will need to have him served at his current location…..and give him the choice….sign or come back to my state and be forced to sign by a judge or jailed! It’s already a court order, but I need his signiture…..
ONE THING I LEARNED…..HAVE THEM SIGN WHATEVER IT IS IN FRONT OF A JUDGE RIGHT THEN AND THERE! DON”T LET THEM OUT OF COURT…..my attorney gave them the courtesy of signing at his leasure…..now it’s my expense and my attorney is no where to be found! Nor is the S. (At least that’s what he thinks)
My attorneys take……Divorce done, now YOU clean up the loose ends I left!
That seems to be the mindset!
So…..during these times, I entertain myself with what I could do to expose him to others….people he runs to for shelter….pull on my inner sociopath and plant the seeds of doubt in their minds that he can and has confrimed with his own behavior…..a TRUTHFUL splitting of sorts! (WOW IS THAT MY INNER SOCIOPATH COMING OUT HUH)
I went back on Face book……and started doind my research……OMG…..how much info can be sought after on that site!!!!! It has far reaching tentacles, one thing leads to another….you can literally, put together someones life from the info given out o the net.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND NO ONE OFFERS PERSONAL INFO UNDER THEIR OWN NAME ONLINE!!!!! EVER!!!!! Myspace, linkedin, facebook, any Networking site…..for business or personal reasons….OMG……WHAT A TOOL to gather info for a court case…..and I was reading the FBI and IRS are using them also……I SEE WHY!
Even if YOU don’t personally post something, someone else can, and if you are a friend of a freind etc….you can gather any info you need……It just takes being ‘friends’ with ONE person in the group and you are IN!
You don’t even have to ask someone to be yoru ‘friend’….depending on the schools you list and jobs you ahve had……when the site determines you have a connection …..YOU Pop up on their screen that you are NOW ON FACEBOOK! Holy crap! No effort. It radiates out from there!
The immense cross referencing that can be done, the tagging, where they show up, how they show up, OMG….
UNBELIEVABLE!
Our society, (as those of us that have been involved with an S know) is so eager to connect……we will connect with so far removed persons it’s pathetic. No longer do we maintain viable friendships…..it’s important for us to have 500 ‘friends’ listed on facebook……..and give out all our ‘dirty laundry’ on there……or portray ourselves as having the perfect marriages, kids and lives…..it’s like a high school reuniion……yikes, we can’t let these people see us heavier than we were in HS, and divorced and jobless……so we make up WHO we wish to portray……loose weight, but that fancy outfit for the night, rent a fancy car to be ‘seen ‘ in…..
OH…..how much effort….so not worth it to me! FOR NOTHING!
SO I dreamed of putting up my own face book profile with my maiden name that he SO is insisting I take back and USE……..and all the folks from high school and the old town…..who he clings too now, selling his dope and crying poor me…..she has ruined me…..I thought wouldn’t it be interesting for them to just ‘come across’ my name and click on my NON HIDDEN PROFILE facebook and whatever it is I choose to write about MY LIFE!!!!!!!
It would have to be very well written , as to not come across as the jilted spouse……but more of MY story…….OUR story….
This would immediately spread like wildflowers in the spring…..I can hear it now…..It could be strategically placed with just ONE person be my ‘friend’ , within a week, it would reach all of them……hundreds, then thousands…..then HIM!!!!!
HA!
I could post the picture of his ass in a hot tub spread open, out of water, when i asked him to smile for a picture, this is what he gave me…..
I could offer info on sociopaths and how to recognize them, narcissism …..
then if they look into my site deeper……they could come across MY STORY!
I know that would be such a riot for them to read and put the peices together on their own…….
He was always an outsider in the groups…….and the only thing that kept him in and ‘well liked’ was his drugs……so it wouldn’t be a secret to any of them……but to read the other side would offer a whole new perspective of WHY he lost everything, and make more sense to them of why he keeps running from state to state, portraying a fabulous life of million dollar homes, yaghts, fantastic this and that…..but HE has nothing!!!!
I could post the letters from the 12 year old girls, referring to the S as their ‘lover’……anyone who reads these is creeped out by them……
So that would be the end of ‘uncle S’ watching the children in the ‘old neighborhood’…..
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!!!!! What they do with it is there problem……
There are huge gaps in his stories….I could fill those gaps in…..
I could offer pictures, videos of court and him making an ass ot of himself, documents/letters and his journals posted….for the world to see, whatever…….all back up…..
NOT LIBEL….it’s all the documented the truth!
I found so much amusement in these thoughts, it brought me right back out of my funk and into a more productive information seeking activities……and I got what I needed!!!!!
KABOOM!
Maybe I will, maybe I won’t………who knows, but in my mind, the thoughts of how I would do it, just gave me so much pleasure……and on top of when I have him served in his new life in the new state, at his new multi million dollar home in his new portrayal of himself………..this will SOOOO FREAK HIM OUT, aid his gut rot, and he will always have to think of how he fucked up with messing with me…….and maybe even push him into europe……(sorry my european LF friends). But I can find him there too!
It didn’t HAVE to be this way!
Just sign the farking documents I need, the documents the court ordered you to sign already…..and I will ‘go away’……UNLESS……you continue to try and trap me or our kids down a rat hole….in any way………I will hunt you down and make you wish you never layed eyes on me!
I am in charge now!
Remember Ex S…….YOU were the one who used to say to me….Your the smartest woman I know?!!!!
I will remind you of that!
WOW….what a rant!
Feels good…..sorry! 🙁
Erin your dream about bulls in the china closet means your life is out of control, unorganized and your taking on too much bull chit…I used to describe my dreams on here but I got ignored so I stopped lol
Erin,
I admire your ability at keeping up with him and being vigilant in making sure people you know know the truth. I want to be more like this, but I just shrink and hide away and don’t defend myself at all. I want to be more like you. I’m impressed by your strength.
Henry:
Oh, so true…..I am keeping afloat by my balls. I describe myself standing on the edge of the cliff and one false move and I’m a gonner…..I have to be very careful who I invite in to my life…..because another big issue will send me over……I have no room for more trouble….
The biggest issue over the past few years has been trying to gain control of my health, my finances, my divorce and my kids……so I can protect all of the above.
The S has contaminated every inch of my life…..and I can’t jump high enough to ‘run’ from it…..so I take it head first…..
He rams me……I ram harder back……as long as I am in the right legally……
I look forward to being the organized, together woman I used to be…..for now….I gotta ‘fake’ it…..and keep on movin to avoid the cattle!
I won’t be shoved into a corner…..
JILL:
You are so sweet…..I think we all have it in us…..You just have to determine…..when enough is enough.
I am 140K in CC debt……I have the house in foreclosure with 300K in equity still……I NEED THIS HOUSE TO GET OUT OF DEBT that I was forced into by the S. I can afford it, I just need to get him to sign the deed over.
If I lose the house…..and equity……I still have the 140cc non dischargable debt to face…..no health insurance, the kids, college, and yadayada…..
SO…..this is why I am fighting so very hard to protect myself…..or I will be fighting for the rest of my life with bad debts, health care, etc…and NO CREDIT!.
Doing what I have to is not a ‘choice’ as I see it……and I will tell you……grieving my fantasy the past 28 years with a S……it’s empowering to know I CAN DO THIS!
Every step is empowering, even the down times…..
We just gotta stay strong and focused!
There is no cookie cutter way to protect ourselves……in that regard, the s’s are NOT all the same.
Mine is an idiot……
YOU CAN defend yourself…..but you must decide if it’s worth it, and when it’s worth it…….
XXOO
Henry….sometimes I’ve felt ignored too, but I think it is just that things move along in this format and sometimes things don’t get commented on that others were deeply moved by, or cared about. If you aren’t on here all the time, it is easy to even miss a reply to a post…it may show up MUCH later. So for you, or anyone who is feeling ignored about something, repost it and let us know that you didn’t get any comments, and I bet someone will comment.
yeah Henry,
you know I want to hear your dreams. I love analyzing dreams, it’s so Freudian!
For many many years I had occasional nitemares, I would always wake up from them screaming. My then wife sprinkled salt around my bed and slept on the couch one night. The nitemares were about demons trying to get me, torment me, hurt me, kill me..In one nitemare I was driving a pick up down the road and the windsheild frosted over where I couldnt see and the gas pedal went to the floor and the steering whell came off and the radio came on at full volume and it was demons chanting and laughing. These nitmare’s where hard to wake up from and they were terrifying. I have not had a nitemare in 6 years. I went no contact with my N mother and they stopped. I dream occasionally about my X BF, and he is always trying to make me look bad or feel bad, they are never good dreams. I have had some dreams where I wake up and wish I could go back to dream land, not often though., I dont really feel ignored here, sometimes this is like twittering for me, not that I know what twittering is all about but i like having someplace to go too so here I am…
Henry,
Any time you feel ignored, I will reply! You have always talked to me when I have been sad, & I know how good the acknowledgement felt. It hurts to be alone & ignored.
You all are so sweet. I do have my down days and I am kinda blah tonite..but I am ok. I took my grandsons 8 and 5 out too pizza and a movie last nite. We went to see UP, it is about this little old man that ties helium filled ballons to his house to escape civilization. The 5 year old whispered in my ear ” peepaw he is old like you” so I got a chuckle out of that. It’s been raining for days and I need to get out of the house, I am gettin cabin fever..I really am 95% over the X bf, I am working hard on the little old man though, I have lot’s of adventure left in me…
Henry,
Uh oh…I think we are the same age (I’ll be 55in Dec) so you know what that means!! Up up and away…
You should find my post earlier today about sunshine, vitamin D and the blues…sounds like you really CAN blame that rain…feelin that way myself…time for some chocolate and a kitty (and my vitamin of course)