By Ox Drover
When I picked up and started reading The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., not everything resonated with me, though I have always tried to “please people,” especially those close to me. There was a great deal of the book, though, that did resonate and validate the similarities between “women who love psychopaths,” as described in the book by that name by Dr. Liane Leedom and Sandra Brown, and “people-pleasers.”
Dr. Braiker is a practicing clinical psychologist with 25 years experience and is author of several books. This one defines “people-pleasers” as:
not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say “Yes” when they really want to say “NO.” For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use “niceness” and “people-pleasing” as self defense camouflage.
This book is divided into three main parts, as Dr. Braiker sees people pleasers as people who have “People pleasing MINDSETS,” people who have “People-pleasing HABITS,” and people who have “People pleasing FEELINGS.” The fourth part is a 21-day action plan for curing this “disease.”
Though in several instances Dr. Braiker describes a relationship with a sociopath, she labels this person a “controlling” person.
It is imperative that you recognize how dangerous and self-sabotaging your people-pleasing tendencies with men can become so that you can change the unhealthy dynamic of your relationships. Otherwise, the Disease to Please will serve as a veritable mating call to men who have a perverse need and desire to control nearly every aspect of your behavior. Worse yet, you will allow them to do so.
Nothing is out of bounds to a controlling man with a people-pleaser whom he can mold at will—from your appearance to your opinions, your performance in bed to your performance at work, your relationships with friends to your bonds with family. And, in no time, your ego and self-esteem will deteriorate from modeling clay into silly putty.
When he is done playing with you or you are done being played with (whichever comes first), you will have some serious reparative work to do on a self that you may hardly still recognize as your own.
Unless you repair the damage by during the Disease to Please that produced it, you will limp away from the relationship with the brand “damaged goods” on your ego. Then, issuing the familiar mating call, you will continue to present yourself as the people-pleasing victim to the next controlling man that recognizes your vulnerability to his power.
The controlling man will always keep you off-center and feeling anxious. Since he needs to change you to demonstrate his control, you can never feel comfortable or secure with the thought that he cares about the person that you truly are—or used to be before he started chipping away at your identity.
While this book is not about psychopathic relationships per se, the focus on how many people end up sacrificing their own legitimate selves, to try to “please” the one who will never be pleased, does describe the “traditional” relationship with a psychopath.
I think the self-affirming statements at the end of each chapter are excellent guides in changing our thinking, habits and our feelings about ourselves.
An few examples of these are:
If you have to compromise your own values, needs, or identity as a special and unique individual, then the price of nice is just too high.
It’s okay not to be nice.
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” in order to protect your emotional, physical health or well-being should make you feel guilty—not the other way around.
Your value as a human being does not depend on the things you do for others.
Though I think Dr. Braiker seems to be applying the term “Disease to Please” in place of the older term “enabler,” her descriptions of the thoughts, feelings and habits practiced by the two are pretty much the same. Her description of those who will take advantage of someone else she calls “controlling,” which seems to be the primary motivation of many psychopaths. I personally would have preferred that she “call a spade a spade,” but at the same time, I think her target audience might be more apt to read the book with the labels that she did choose to use.
There were helpful reinforcements for positive changes, and over all, I liked the book very much. It isn’t difficult to understand and her advice is reasonable and realistic.
The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome is available on Amazon.com.
Witsend, The dream was maybe you were feeling like you are bound and helpless in a wheelchair while this P-kid torments you in your own home.
you really have your work cut out for you. what kind of job does he have?
I think what you need to do is get very close to him so you know what he is thinking. His thinking is not very far from what mine was at that age. I think that is normal for some teenagers who feel emotionally out of control. They think that they CAN’T acheive a normal life so they won’t even try, instead they will “walk on the wild side” and experience a more exotic life. Well, you can tell him my story and tell him to be careful what you wish for because you will get it and regret it forever. Give him some books, about that, like “The picture of Dorian Gray”.
Explain to him what narcissism is and how it cripples the soul. Don’t bother explaining how it hurts others, explain to him how it will hurt HIM. For instance, explain to him that boring people such as yourself, pay for fire insurance. But exciting narcissistic people such as himself, never think far enough ahead to do that. So when the exciting person sets fire, they go to jail and no longer have a nice place to live, while the boring person gets money and a brand new house.
Explain to him that jail is not exciting, people are forced to stay there because it sucks. What is really exciting is accomplishing the long term goals that you set for yourself. Rewarding yourself for all the small steps you acheive along the way. All the most exciting things happened that way, for example: Launching the space shuttle, the making of a blockbuster movie, building a skyscraper etc…all were acheived by a bunch of people working hard together.
I don’t know if you’ve already tried this but he is young and I really hope that there is a chance for him to turn around still.
Furthermore, he may need to detox from chemicals and sugar. His mind is racing and he is addicted to adrenalin so he needs to get back to basic foods.
You CAN effectively parent, but you can’t do it if he is controlling your emotions.
I hope some of these suggestions help, you are in my prayers.
My ex-P was, ironically THE ultimate People Pleaser. In fact, that’s how he introduced himself when we first met. His whole routine was to make it appear like he was the most generous, self-deprecating, meek and unconfident individual out there who was constantly taken advantage of. I ate it up, as does everyone else who comes in contact with him. He’s stolen so much money from so many people and, shockingly, nobody minds because he’s a perpetual victim!!
After I married him, however, I saw a different side of him. He only “people-pleased” those people he thought he could get something out of, usually money. He hated doing it and would complain about the people he sucked up to constantly, but he was absolutely smooth and slick and charming to their faces so they never knew how he really felt. In fact, he made them feel incredibly special. Needless to say, he treated me no differently and once I had no more money to offer him, the devalue/discard began and he used me to again portray himself as the victim, with me as the aggressor.
Looking back now, I realize he was “absorbing” my character trait as a people pleaser myself, knowing full well that the only way to make a conquest was to present himself as the complete opposite of my first psychopathic, violent ex.
Oxy,
A few weeks ago I thought that I was in what I called survival mode. Kind of just trying to get through the next few months. And see where it leads. He will be 17 in December and if I am “reading” him correctly, something is going to happen. (I feel he all of a sudden has an agenda) And he rarely thinks ahead. His ADHD gets in the way when he has to actually impliment a plan of action. Usually he can’t stay focused long enough. Quit school? Move out? Run away? I get the feeling he is waiting for something…(like his B-day)
Now however it really doesn’t seem to matter….
Like you, I take what he said as a serious threat. I have NO DOUBT in my mind that he hates me. And I don’t mean the “normal hatred” bestowed on all parents of teenage kids. I mean the kind that keeps me up all night wondering if this kind of hatred is even possible? And keeps that knot that is forever(so it seems) tied in my gut.
I think most kids can tell you they hate you in “heated” teenage arguments when they don’t get their way. I know my older son did that once. And I don’t even remember what the argument was about all these years later. So it must have not hurt me to much, although I do remember feeling the “sting” from it back then. But it certainly didn’t SCARE me, or put fear in me. It was a passionate remark in an argument. End of story.
My 16 year old doesn’t tell me he hates me in arguments or passionate discussions. I “sense” that he hates me. I feel it. And it DOES scare me.
I hate to say this and actually put this out there but I do NOT think that I can live with this kid until he is 18 years old. I just DO NOT think I can do it anymore.
I am NOT going to be able to maintain ANY kind of parenting with a kid who threatens to burn the house down and I am NOT going to CHALLENGE that remark. I can’t call his bluff on something this serious. MAYBE he is counting on that fact that I won’t call his bluff. I don’t know. But it isn’t worth the risk.
From my perspective he is capeable of torching the house. His distorted way of thinking would be that it would be my fault because I would have caused him the loss of his job.
Bottom line is I don’t want to live like this in fear in my own house.
It goes against any mothers instict and it is very UNATURURAL
to feel fear of your own flesh and blood, your own son, who by all accounts of the law is not even old enough to be considered an adult yet and “out” on his own. It even has a “sureal” feeling in saying it. But it is a fact for me and I need to keep FACING this fact.
Oxy he actually possibly HAS enough money in the bank to buy a plane ticket to California. He was saving for a car but never was able to get on track and “earn” drivers ed. So he still has a decent portion of that money. I am sure it is earmarked for his “leaving home fund”
Money is the ONLY thing that motivates him. And yet he has no respect for even money, really.
skylar,
I actually wrote to you under another article early this morning about over analizing everything (I do this ALOT sometimes to) But I was so distracted about what went on last night that I deleated it because I couldn’t finish.
Your post above was heart warming because it actually involves what it “should be” like to talk to your troubled teenager. However we seem to be way beyond this now. He has no interest in ANYTHING I might have to say.
When I first came here I was overwhelmed in my fear FOR him. I was devistated first of all that I saw what I saw going on with him. And I wanted more than anything to get him help.
At some point though the fear changed as his disorder progressed. Now my fear is OF HIM. Interestingly enough I was afraid of him physically FIRST. That happened sometime last year during a time where he wasn’t getting his way and was very angry. He tried to intimidate me physically. Nothing actually did happen but before it was over I saw the eyes. That God awful Look. The first time the realization of his hatred showed its ugly little head.
I don’t think I show my fear on the outside (I try not to) but it is tearing me up on the inside. I feel so much of it is internal because I feel the effects of it physically as well. I don’t feel good, my stomache hurts, I can’t sleep etc….
I know this must sound terrible to you or anyone else who has never been through this (with a kid)……That I am ready to throw in the towel with my own son. I can’t even believe I am SAYING it let alone FEELING it. Loving a child is unlike any other love for sure…..And it is much more of an unconditional love than most love. I do love him….BUT I CAN’T seem to help him. As a matter of fact sometimes I think my presence adds to the fueling his anger.
Dear Witsend,
I hear you, sweetie. And, you may be (probably are) right, he is waiting for something and it may be his birthday when he can leave school.
I also can relate to the fear you have OF HIM, and to the HATE he feels for you. As he sees it, I imagine, YOU are the one thing that stands in the way of his “happiness,” control over his world, and all his plans.
While the “law” doesn’t consider him an ADULT–look at the age of Alexander the Great when he captured the world, and other kings and leaders. “Adulthood” is not an “age” but a state of mind. Your son already considers himself an “adult” and “independent” only held back by the way the law sees him. Of course he has already decided HE is above everything, above needing an education, etc.
I would also recommend that you make sure your death will NOT EVER give him ANY monetary gain and that he knows that NOW. That didn’t keep my son from trying to kill me even without monetary gain, but it might make your death less desirable.
You also might instead of trying to convince him that he needs an education, change tactics, and more or less agree with him.
“you know, John, you ARE a very smart young man, and you just might be able to accomplish your goals for a good life and lots of money out in California. I can see that you are DETERMINED to succeed in your dreams, and I think it SURE takes determination TO SUCCEED and YOU ARE SURE DETERMINED.
“not many people at your age are as determined on succeeding as you are, and that DOES make you ‘special’
“When are you leaving? what can I do to help you succeed? What can I do for your birthday that would please you or help you succeed.?”
Maybe that would make him thinkk HE HAS CONVINCED YOU that he is “special” and doesn’t need an education (after all, he DOES KNOW EVERYTHING) Maybe he would tell you what his plans are and you could “wave bye bye” as he takes off to his new and wonderful “life.” Then, you MOVE and don’t leave a forwarding address he can find.
Because I can tell you, his “failure to succeed” in his “dreams” WILL be, in his mind, YOUR FAULT for the rest of his life. The “only reason” my son is in prison is because of me, it is MY fault….at least HE thinks so. (grim laugh here, and shaking of head).
Witsend, focus on YOURSELF now, you’ve done all you can for him (and I realize that’s not been as much as you hoped) but you CAN help yourself, you MUST for your own sake, help yourself. ((((hugs)))) and all my prayers!
henry says:
I dont believe in demons – just evil flesh and blood people with out conscience or remorse or the capacity to love..
Henry, you are spot on.
I would like to say in reply to this book review……people who like to help out, please others, save others etc etc. Are HUMAN!!! There is nothing wrong with us AT ALL!!! We are just humans who care about our fellow man. We have respect, trust and the abiltity to work as a team. We can take care of ourselves for the most part and all WITHOUT sucking the life out of another person.
Can you say manipulation? I’m sure all of you know what that is. How insidious it is.
I would ask everyone here to dig a little into what Agenda 21 and the Codex Alementarius is all about.
And then ask yourself, could your S,P and/or NM sit on one of these panels?
If the answer is yes, then you will realize that 99% of the world is “Prey”. It’s not just YOU. Or anything YOU did.
witsend says:
I am ready to throw in the towel with my own son.
You did not make your son this way. Somebody caring, loving, trying to save others, like you, could not have made him turn out like this.
Your dream is your intuition yelling at you that, yes, he is that scary. You can’t talk to him or teach him or reason with him. He thinks in a completely different way. Don’t even think you can manipulate him by beating him at his own game.
Why do you think he might think his birthday is special? Do you lose some power over him then? Can you figure that out and learn what you could do now to keep yourself safe?
Oxy,
I think in a sense this low profile/survival mode (I was in for awile) has been kind of, hmm what would you say…..Maybe part of an ongoing a detatchment phase. ALTHOUGH I didn’t look at it like that until just now….
I have actually been just letting him set the “stage”…The whole Dr. Jekle, Mr Hide thing… I had very little reaction to either his good or his bad boy behaviour/moods. Other than a few slip ups (in the morning when he is an ABSOLUTE beast) I was trying the boaring thing with him. No emotion, no rise, not much of anything. I JUST needed a BREAK. Before school started.
I agree with everything you said…..I don’t have anywhere for him to live…
Unfortunately his fathers dead so he can’t go live with him. His brother is a newlywed and they live in a darling little beach house but it is a ONE room place. NOT..
And I don’t feel comfortable kicking him out of the house. Legally I don’t even have that right.
But if he would leave on his own accord that is different.
Instead of standing in his way I will hold the door open for him. (HOW SAD for a mother to say) Legally I am sure I will still be held responsible. However the legal system has DONE absolutely nothing for me when I turned to them for an intervention. They turned me away because he hadn’t broken the law …..
Unless someone has any better ideas?
flyspeck,
He can legally quit school then because he will be 17. That is the law in my state.
So maybe that….
The other thing is he can file for emancipation at this age. Although I don’t necessarily think he would be able to get this from a judge because his job is seasonal. He would be unemplyed by his B-day. And judges tend to look for stable young people that have steady income when they are granting this, that come from a bad home enviorment. (drug abuse in parents or violence etc) Not designed for kids who just “hate” their parents….
BUT then again he doesn’t know all this necessarily. So that could be something he is thinking about?
I know he knows “of” emancipation….Because he has mentioned it in the past.
Dear Witsend, I dont blame you being scared of your adult son. I was terrified of my daughter when she was younger than your son. Im not sure if she was on drugs at th time tho she was certainly drinking a lot.She was an ideal child till she hit puberty and then the s–t hit the fan! She left school, ran away from home, but when she returne Iwas unable to contol her, and he Dad was drinking again,{he is an alcoholic} so he was no help. She trashed my home and Art studio, {twice} beat me up, and threw a red-hot industrial weight stema iron at my head. I was “gaslighted’ by both her and her younger sister, [also a Narcopath], screaming at me,”D. did NOT throw an iron at your head! Youve made it up! Your crazy! You should be committed!” Many years later, by this time I was happily remarried to my second husband, it was playing on my mind, re the iron incident. What if they were right? what if it never happened? ” I madeup my mind to go by bus back to that “house of horrors”. It took me hours to get there.
When I knocke d on the door, a little boy who looked no older than 6 answered it. Turned out his Mum was at work, and had left him and a small playmate around the same age, alone in the house! I knew legally I was trespassing, and didnt want to “spook” the kid, so I told him {truthfully,} that Id lived in the house about 5 years before, and I wanted to look around it for old times sake.”Come in ! he said,”Can I get you a cup of tea? -{I kid you not!} I went downstairs, and standing in the doorwayof Ds downstairs flat,I put my hand level with my head, there in the soft wood of the door jamb was a dent large enought to fit my whole thumb in. Thats where the iron had hit, one hands breadth from my right temple.I would have been a goner, I think, if it HAD hit my head.I was so releived I wasnt crazy, that it HAD happened, and I didnt at the time know anything about gaslighting! Yes, they are capable of killing us! yes, they are crazy! Yes, you are right to fear your son! let him leave and move, or change the locks.
I tried everything with my girl for years, she is 45 now, Im still a bit afraid of her.My hand still used to shake when she rang me up. Ive been NC with her for 3 months now. She has no power to use violence on me now, but I fear her still as she uses me as a cash cow.Im determined ,never again! Geminigirl.