By Ox Drover
When I picked up and started reading The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., not everything resonated with me, though I have always tried to “please people,” especially those close to me. There was a great deal of the book, though, that did resonate and validate the similarities between “women who love psychopaths,” as described in the book by that name by Dr. Liane Leedom and Sandra Brown, and “people-pleasers.”
Dr. Braiker is a practicing clinical psychologist with 25 years experience and is author of several books. This one defines “people-pleasers” as:
not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say “Yes” when they really want to say “NO.” For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use “niceness” and “people-pleasing” as self defense camouflage.
This book is divided into three main parts, as Dr. Braiker sees people pleasers as people who have “People pleasing MINDSETS,” people who have “People-pleasing HABITS,” and people who have “People pleasing FEELINGS.” The fourth part is a 21-day action plan for curing this “disease.”
Though in several instances Dr. Braiker describes a relationship with a sociopath, she labels this person a “controlling” person.
It is imperative that you recognize how dangerous and self-sabotaging your people-pleasing tendencies with men can become so that you can change the unhealthy dynamic of your relationships. Otherwise, the Disease to Please will serve as a veritable mating call to men who have a perverse need and desire to control nearly every aspect of your behavior. Worse yet, you will allow them to do so.
Nothing is out of bounds to a controlling man with a people-pleaser whom he can mold at will—from your appearance to your opinions, your performance in bed to your performance at work, your relationships with friends to your bonds with family. And, in no time, your ego and self-esteem will deteriorate from modeling clay into silly putty.
When he is done playing with you or you are done being played with (whichever comes first), you will have some serious reparative work to do on a self that you may hardly still recognize as your own.
Unless you repair the damage by during the Disease to Please that produced it, you will limp away from the relationship with the brand “damaged goods” on your ego. Then, issuing the familiar mating call, you will continue to present yourself as the people-pleasing victim to the next controlling man that recognizes your vulnerability to his power.
The controlling man will always keep you off-center and feeling anxious. Since he needs to change you to demonstrate his control, you can never feel comfortable or secure with the thought that he cares about the person that you truly are—or used to be before he started chipping away at your identity.
While this book is not about psychopathic relationships per se, the focus on how many people end up sacrificing their own legitimate selves, to try to “please” the one who will never be pleased, does describe the “traditional” relationship with a psychopath.
I think the self-affirming statements at the end of each chapter are excellent guides in changing our thinking, habits and our feelings about ourselves.
An few examples of these are:
If you have to compromise your own values, needs, or identity as a special and unique individual, then the price of nice is just too high.
It’s okay not to be nice.
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” in order to protect your emotional, physical health or well-being should make you feel guilty—not the other way around.
Your value as a human being does not depend on the things you do for others.
Though I think Dr. Braiker seems to be applying the term “Disease to Please” in place of the older term “enabler,” her descriptions of the thoughts, feelings and habits practiced by the two are pretty much the same. Her description of those who will take advantage of someone else she calls “controlling,” which seems to be the primary motivation of many psychopaths. I personally would have preferred that she “call a spade a spade,” but at the same time, I think her target audience might be more apt to read the book with the labels that she did choose to use.
There were helpful reinforcements for positive changes, and over all, I liked the book very much. It isn’t difficult to understand and her advice is reasonable and realistic.
The Disease to Please—Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome is available on Amazon.com.
Geminigirl and Witsend,
My neice was troubled as a young girl and ran away. Her mom, my sister, was traumatized by the loss of her daughter. She finally came back and lived at home for a while but she just wouldn’t grow up, be responsible or be human. She was not threatening or dangerous, just out of control. My sister finally moved and left her daughter to find other accomodations. It was the best thing for both of them. The daughter was forced to grow up and her mom learned to let go and stop trying to control her. She was older by this time – 18 or 19. It was the right TIME.
My xp left home at age 12 and well, he became evil after living with prostitutes and druggies. It wasn’t the right time.
Both my Pbrother and Psister have never left the apron string although he was emancipated at 16 and she got married at age 33. Timing was all wrong.
I sincerely hope that you find the answers you need. I know how much I loved my P but your P’s really are your babies.
skylar,
And you are right….Timing is everything. I HONESTLY believed that is why I was SO HELL BENT on getting my son help when I first saw the troubling personality traits emerging when he was about 15 years old. I knew that “time” was an essence here. a small window of opportunity before it would be to late.
With all of my HEART, I believed he was young enough to “reverse” this, to get help….Because I didn’t see this in him as a youngster. It was all of a sudden in puberty.
ALSO he had been through a tramatic event right before he turned 4 years old. His father commited suicide and he “woke up” to that and was there all day with him while I was at work.
There was NO WAY you could have convinced me that this kid couldn’t be helped by professionals.
I STILL am not convinced that he couldn’t have been helped in the hands of the “right” professional. Personally I think he should have been hypnotised. (bad spelling, don’t know how to spell that)
However that service wasn’t something that the counsellor he went to see was equiped for. Nor was he very good because all my son did was lie to him and he was foolish enough to believe him. (after I initially TOLD the counsellor he lied ALL the time) I feel he should have considered that and not been such an easy “target” for my son to tell his tales…..
Anyways long story short I have called every agency (including other therapy but insurance is a problem) in the phone book for help. Even filed an incorrigible teen with the courts…..Thinking maybe help would be right around the corner….Most everything is set up that if your kid isn’t on drugs or breaking the law, they don’t interviene. And that is the first question they even ask…Has he broken the law, or on drugs.
Personally, I was looking for an intervention….don’t want to wait until he is addicted to drugs or is arrested for something….
He really DOES hate me…..He doesn’t think he has any problems. He is fine and the WORLD is F***ed up. But not in the normal teenage definition. Times the “normal” by 1000.
I can’t do anything right now to help him as he doesn’t want any help. I wish that he did have another place to “live” for awile. If for no other reason just to see if he would improve in any way shape or form…..
Witsend,
what a perfect name for you. From your descriptions, I can feel everything you are feeling and it leaves me perplexed and at my wit’s end.
Does he read? probably not. If you could find a way to get through to him, it would be such an enormous victory for you and for us, here at LF because we want to see a happy ending to SOMEONE’S problem.
skylar,
No, he doesn’t read 🙁
He hates reading and he yet started reading at a very early age…He taught himself to read when I read him stories, by sounding out the words….. His pre school teacher was soooo impressed. Go figure?
You know even I was impressed! Lol. As I didn’t encourage him to sound out the words or expect him to try to learn to read at that age….He just grabbed the book and started to break the words up until he read then.
Maybe that was my first indication of how much he likes to be in CONTROL! He didn’t want me to read to him. (I’m kidding)
Witsend:
I haven’t seen you in awhile, and I’m catching up.
You didn’t do this. You need to be safe, but you also need to be able to really, really know that you didn’t create this moment by missing some opportunity as a parent.
Something in your dear, sweet, wonderful child’s brain is twisted like a pretzel and he cannot hear, understand, or appreciate normal logic. And he is a real and immediate danger to you and others if he thinks you stand in his way. Perhaps 10 or 20 years from now with different technology, something else will be possible. Maybe someone in Turkey or Katmandu has an answer. Right now, for you, you should realize that he’s seeing you as an obstacle to something he wants, and you don’t want to stand in his way. He will motor on over you without a second thought, because his brain somehow doesn’t have the capacity to put that “second thought” of conscience in place.
I feel for you. I have my own family members and at-risk grandchildren who have yet to show their true natures. I have one child who survived a treacherous teenage stretch, who has a good heart. I have another who has devastated lives.
This is not about teaching your son, getting him to read something, or changing his thinking in any of those ways.
I think that above you said your son could be emancipated at 17. That might be his grandiose and delusional goal — could you gently hurry that along? If he is out of your house, you are safer, and there is a better chance that an institution like “the system” with deep pockets will intervene and try to make a positive difference for your son.
I truly feel for you. No one knows the ongoing stress and physical and psychological damage from being under this sort of covert attack every single day — unless they’ve “been there.” I understand.
First of all, for you and for any hope you might ever have for your younger son, and for your older son as well — STAY SAFE. Lock your bedroom. Take precautions. Don’t show emotion or reactions that would tip off your son to your true feelings. Consider that he might want to “defy” you, but if he had a way to get a shot at that emancipation before he’s 17, he’d go for it. He might even be happier if he knew you DIDN’T approve.
Stay safe. But know that even if he drops into the system, that is a place that has the deep pockets of money that have a chance to find solutions to a disorder that is this profound and devastating.
My heart is with you.
Rune is back! Yay!! Hey there, you super smart lady!!…haha.
And Oxy darling, thanks for the review of this beneficial book. I had heard of it a while back and read some comments on Amazon. One person said that the author seemed to be scornful towards generous and caring folks. I’ve read bits of the book online and I didn’t get that impression at all.
I believe she wrote it to inform and help people who have been struggling with self esteem issues their entire lives, those of us who went above and beyond to please others.
Like I said, I haven’t read the entire book, only bits and pieces but since I have discovered my own strength, developed some awesome confidence, and I am diligent in preserving my welfare, safety and sanity, super intolerant of any bullchit delivered my way, this book makes absolute and wise sense to me.
Thanks, sweet Oxy, for sharing with us!! **HUGGLES**
Oh, and I would like to also share a few silly scenarios from last night when I decided to visit our small downtown area to sip a few beers, listen to music and observe the mingling masses.
I was sitting a table, alone (and liking it) when this dude I met a month or so, sat down and asked if I remember him. I said yeah, but so what? I wasn’t interested in him then and I most certainly wasn’t interested in him now but I allowed him to sit at my table and we chatted a bit.
He immediately started plying me with compliments about my looks, my personality and I told him that he’s wasting his time as I don’t need my ego stroked by anyone as I know precisely what I look like and who I am as a woman.
He then said he couldn’t figure out why he liked me as I was so “ornery”. I laughed, shrugged and said I really don’t give a fig if he likes me or not. I don’t exist to please any male with my presence. I grew bored chatting with him and politely asked him to move on. He did but asked me for a hug. I said no…haha.
About 20 minutes later I saw him sitting on a sofa with another woman all cozy and intimate. I rolled my eyes and thought to myself…”what a sleezebag!”…haha. He is.
But wait! There’s more! I left that bar to visit a night club in our resort hotel because I was restless and searching for some awesome music playing (never happens but I retain hope that it may eventually) and as I was walking across the hallway to the club, the ex narc from 2 years ago was walking towards me. He’s a bartender there.
So funny! I had a slight buzz, feeling more than a wee bit spirited and confrontational. He noticed me and his eyes grew big with horror…haha! I sneered at him in disgust and loathing while waving my arm in a dismissive manner.
He fled the scene real fast because I guess he remembered our last short conversation where I told him that if he fell off the face of the Earth, I would throw a wild party and that he could take his big screen tv and stick up his bony arse!!
What a loser. First rate.
Rune,
The intelligent side of me understands what you are saying 100%.
The emotional side of me is the side I am in constant battle with. And it has been an ongoing battle since this began.
First off, never in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that when I first recognized there was a problem with my son that was much “bigger” than anything than I could handle, help wouldn’t be forthcoming……If I pursued it diligently.
Not that I have “cinderella” mantality, I knew I had to hit the pavement HARD, because of lack of good insurance and other obstacles….However I never could have realized how much focus, effort, and plain old hard work it would be just to find a resource to even open the door “part way” rather than slam it in my face during the first phone call.
And now in hindsight I think if I didn’t blame myself enough (AND I DID) in the begining of all of this I certainly would question myself more and more as the process unfolded.
Because every person/resource I did engage in conversation with starting with the school, doctors & counsellors ect, on down to the courts, when I filed for incorrigable teenager……. All had something to say about what I “should” be doing.
“Ground him for his bad grades”, “Take away his privledges”, “Make him take his medication” , Blah, Blah, Blah.
As if I had never tried any of these things and many, many more things including alot of “positive reinforcement” before I turned to the “outside” for help.
No matter what I said to them it was always dumped right back into MY LAP.
Including explaining to them in black & white….I am bringing him here for therapy because he lies consistently, he manipulates consistanly, he passes blame consistantly, has distorted sense of reality and has unbelievable “control” issues. He does not seem to understand simple concepts of how the real world works. If I “do this” it equals positive consequences…If I “do this” it equals negative consequences.
Me = “Doctor he refuses to take his medication”
Doctor = “You must get him to take them”
I mean what am I suppose to do….Knock him out and shove them down his throat?
So as this continued to unfold I took on even more “responsibility” than I started with. I felt like more of a failure as a mother than when I began this journey….
Only now as his disorder has progressed can I begin to cut myself even a little bit of slack….In the progression of this I see how BIG this really, really is.
Like you said, unless you live with this on a daily basis, with a kid……Having him project his behaviour back on me….The delusional thinking, the grandious behaviour and ideas, his general lack of living in reality……He always says that I am LYING, when he is lying ….Or telling me in his “monatone” voice what a terrible, awful parent I am, (wearing me down) or if I am looking to the left he is doing something I should be dealing with on my right……The whole thing just takes and incredible amount of energy to even stay afloat.
I have become his victim, not his mother…..I am the source of his anger. As time goes on I feel that I somehow “fuel” his disorder, just by my mere existance. It seems impossible some days for me to even speak with him (on any level) without “setting him off.
The worst part of the whole thing is the fast pace progression this seems to be taking.
The more he percieves that he has “won” each and every day, we seem to have less of a mother/son relationship.
It seems impossible to put any “sofness” back into the relationship. And as time goes on, I can honestly say I am trying to “survive” this more than I am trying to be part of the “solution” to the problem. I do seem to think more about precautions (for myself) these days than what I can do to “make a difference”. It sounds AWFUL to say these things but this has become my reality…..
I was considering doing what Oxy suggested….The reverse psychology. Encouraging him to follow his dream RIGHT NOW and go to California….Ect. However I am really afraid that if I “pretend” to encourage this he wiil NOT do it just because I gave him encouragement.
Thank you for your post….Sometimes a little validation can go a long way.
witsend,
It’s me again, skylar, the perpetually pessimistic optimist.
I’ve rarely been able to get the exP to do anything unless I tricked him. but he’s not that hard to trick…
Is it just mine or do they all have an oral fixation? like eating too much, constantly needing sweets or grabbing food that wasn’t meant for them? Mine also had a fixation with grabbing at my breasts and sucking etc… I always told him it was like he was never weaned properly. Of course now I understand that he is in a state of emotionally arrested development so it all makes sense.
I bought some homeopathic anti-stress mints. If you know anything about homeopathics, they aren’t drugs, they are mostly sugar. People say that they only work on the placebo effect. So, I wondered if they would work on someone who didn’t know what they were. (no possible placebo effect) and I also wondered if they would work on my P because he was always in such a nasty and mean disposition, drinks like 10 espressos per day. So we both got in my car and I grabbed the box out of my glovebox and began to eat them like candy. Of course my exP, the chronically competitive eater has to take a bunch and gobble them down.
After eating several, he says, “what are those? They’re making me feel funny”
I said, “homeopathic mints, they’re supposed to get rid of stress. Why? how do you feel?”
He said “less stressed, but I don’t like it. I didn’t want to feel less stressed.”
I’ve done a similar thing with sleeping pills on him. I’ve never had to “slip” him anything. He’s such a pig, if he thinks it’s mine, he will eat it. Of course after the sleeping pills, he trained himself to vomit at will. He can upchuck with the best of the bulemics. He doesn’t even stick his fingers down his throat. LOL.
My point is that you might try leaving these mints in a very attractive candy dish. If your son is anything like my exP he will eat them. With a P you can’t go against his nature, the only thing you can do is use his own nature against him.
I’m not saying you will cure him overnight, but it may give you an edge or keep you safer.
JaneSmith….thank you for sharing your encounters…a great role model for us all. I LOVED it.
Witsend. …I feel such compassion for you. In a year you will be able to be free of him, that is all I can say. I hope he leaves sooner. I was a foster mom to a 6 year old that drove me (and every other foster mom) to the brink of insanity, so I can just imagine what you are dealing with. I will keep you in my thoughts.