It’s amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others.
Well, I read the book, but I’m not sure I can recommend it.
Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, I’m not.
First of all, let’s define “gaslighting.” According to Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Gaslighting is nasty behavior. The problem I have with this book is that Dr. Stern never, ever mentions, not once, that a person who is gaslighting someone else may be malicious, controlling, and intent on destroying the soul of the victim. She does not mention that the gaslighter may be mentally and emotionally abusing someone else, simply for his or her amusement. She does not say that the gaslighter may be evil.
Here’s how Dr. Stern defines the gaslighting relationship:
The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.
This definition makes it seem like the two parties—gaslighter and gaslightee—are equally responsible for the dynamics. I don’t think that’s true. Then, a few pages later, Dr. Stern writes:
Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.
Excuse me while I barf. Sociopaths who engage in gaslighting do not feel weak and powerless. They are motivated by dominance and feel totally entitled to do what they want and take what they want, even if it is someone else’s sanity.
Three types of gaslighters
Next, Dr. Stern describes three types of gaslighters—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator. She spends the most time describing the Glamour Gaslighter:
He lets you know you’re the most wonderful woman in the world, the only one who’s ever understood him, the fairy-tale princess who has magically transformed his life. He’ll transform your life, too, he implies or even promises, he’ll shower you with affection, take you to wonderful places, sweep you off your feet with gifts or intimate confessions or sexual attention of a kind you’ve never known before.
This is a perfect description of a sociopath in full seduction mode. But Dr. Stern doesn’t seem to get it. Instead, she explains that this man is in love with the idea of a relationship. He likes to be a leading man, and is looking for a leading lady to fill her part.
Dr. Stern describes the Good-Guy Gaslighter as someone who needs to appear reasonable and good, but is deeply committed to getting his own way. She spends the least amount of time describing the Intimidator, perhaps because the problems are so obvious—put-downs, yelling, bullying, guilt trips and other types of punishment. In order for a relationship with an Intimidator to be more satisfying, she says, the Intimidator will need to alter his way of relating. Yeah, right.
Stress response
Much of this book describes sample cases of gaslightees trying to understand and cope with gaslighters. I’m sure this helps people realize and identify what is going on in these relationships.
The book, however, falls down when Dr. Stern explains why this behavior happens. She writes, “Gaslighting is a response to stress; people become either gaslighters or gaslightees when they feel threatened.”
Sociopaths don’t engage in gaslighting because they’re stressed. They engage in it because it’s who they are and what they do. And victims don’t become gaslightees because of stress. They are trapped because of a psychopathic bond created by the predator.
Then, Dr. Stern asks the reader to be honest:
Think about the ways in which you aren’t being your best self. Do you set off your gaslighter by being overly critical or demanding? Do you belittle your gaslighter or play on his vulnerabilities? Do you say or do things that you know will make him crazy?
Gee, the people I hear from are walking on eggshells trying not to set the guy off. Until, of course, it gets so bad that they have not choice but to explode.
What’s your view?
In the last chapter, Dr. Stern offers three courses of action for people in these situations: Changing the gaslighting relationship from within, limiting a gaslighting relationship, or leaving the relationship. Yes, these are the three choices, and the book offers suggestions on how to decide what to do.
When considering whether to stay in the relationship and change it from within, Dr. Stern reminds the reader to be compassionate, both for herself and the gaslighter. She writes:
You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.
Is this true? I am asking an honest question of Lovefraud readers here, and I would appreciate your feedback. Have any of you ever been subjected to gaslighting by someone who was basically a good person with problems? Can any of you attribute gaslighting behavior to the perpetrator’s stress or internal pain? Or, do you feel that gaslighting behavior is due to sociopathic traits?
Afraid to recommend
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this book, The Gaslight Effect. The author does a good job of explaining what the behavior looks like, and the questions victims should ask themselves to determine what is really going on. She offers strategies for coping with the behavior, including leaving the relationship.
But Dr. Stern seems to come from that school of therapy that believes both parties contribute equally to relationship problems. Throughout the entire book, I kept waiting for the author to warn the reader that some gaslighters have dangerous, pathological personality disorders, and they should run, not walk, for the nearest exit. The warning never came.
Therefore, I’m afraid to recommend the book, because it may encourage people to stay and try to work things out with an abuser. And the longer people stay in a gaslighting relationship, the more power they lose, and the harder it is to finally leave.
Twice Betrayed
tobehappy: Wow! You’ve read all those books.
lesson learned
LOL! TB!! ain’t THAT the truth.
That’s what always happens at first, huh?
When I reflect now, even his dealings with others was completely fake. It was astonishing to watch his change of demeanor in a nano second.
dancingnancies
tobehappy- I think Invicta addresses your beliefs most succinctly in this paragraph ( from the same source as quoted before ) :
lesson learned
Angelica,
I’m so sorry that happened to you. To those women…..
Mine was very good at that “faithful” crap as well. Funny thing is she didn’t know, nor suspected that he was seeing me during lunch hour everyday for years…..
lesson learned
Dancing
WOW! Your posts here are EXTREMELY Powerful! I can’t WAIT to get Dr. Hare’s books!
Thanks for posting that.
Ox Drover
DancingNancies,
I AM a different person now than I was before this—-in many ways I was strong, and successful, and smart, educated, but in some aspects of my life I was NOT WISE—I had a “soft spot” that people who knew about this “chink in my armor” could poke me through and get right to my heart.
My egg donor and my P son knew about this “chink in my armor” and they used it to their advantage. Now I have found this chink in my armor patched up. Call in a “flaw” or a “weakness” or an “Imperfection” or whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t matter to me, but it was the egress that the psychopaths and dysfunctional people in my life used to gain access to my heart and to manipulate me to do their bidding.
Doesn’t mean they had a RIGHT to do that. Just as if I left a window unlocked at my house, it doesn’t give someone a right to come inside that open window and rob me. It was NOT my fault that I got robbed because I left the window open, and it does not mean that I am to blame because I got robbed.
However, locking the windows and doors doesn’t mean I will never get robbed again. Someone may take a bump key or a crow bar and break into my “house” again. But I’ve done all I can with THE KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NOW to prevent it.
I’m not pounding on or blaming myself for what the psychopaths did to me in the past, or the fact that they were as able as they were to find the chink in my armor, but the FAULT and the BLAME lies on them for taking advantage of that chink.
I am also more aware of how people treat others as a guide to how they will treat me, and I remove myself from the sphere of that person’s operations. (In other words, if I see someone being mean to someone else, I figure sooner or later they’ll be mean to me, so I’m outta there before they get the chance!)
CAUTION, due caution, but not terror.
So no matter how you frame the semantics of it all, I had some vulnerabilities that made me prime prey for some psychopaths and I fell victim to them because of that. I am now, however, somewhat wiser and less likely to fall for that kind of con again.
It may not be as immunizing as a “flu shot,” but There are quite a few of their tricks I can see right through now. LOL
dancingnancies
lessonlearned, I just read Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare and it was hard to put down! I have like 20 pages left… but boy was that a good read. You’ll learn a lot. My copy of “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin Debecker arrived today- I can’t wait to start reading it 🙂
Oxdrover, yes I agree with your points- I wouldn’t call it all semantics though because I think to believe that “I’m immune now because i know x and x ” IS also a dangerous thing to go by… as well as “If i was BLANK i could have avoided him!” and then subsequently subconsciously holding oneself responsible for not being BLANK. That article came to my mind because I do think it is something we as once targets of Psychopaths struggle with- albeit we may not be completely aware of it. It can EAT SOMEONE UP that they were naive or allowed him to do X, Y, Z… oh it seems so plain in view NOW that they took advantage but when normal people do X, Y and Z with other normal people they are fine!
You are right about vulnerabilities- but those vulnerabilities are vulnerabilities TO psychopaths- they aren’t “weaknesses” by ANY means. Our STRENGTHS are vulnerabilities to psychopaths- ain’t that odd? Now that we are AWARE that our strengths are our VULNERABILITIES to psychopaths that doesn’t mean we should play them down any- we should just be aware when someone is UTILIZING our strengths to take advantage…
furthermore to understand that ANYONE can be targeted is the reality. Strong, smart, dumb, pretty, unattractive, gorgeous… the list goes on. I think we have to be aware of this.
I’m not immune, but like you I have bundled up with an arsenal of info… and I will be aware- and in like one other post you mentioned i wont have a “schema” for what a psychopath or N looks like ( your analogy with cows and milk jugs ) but have learned to rely on other things, even cues from MYSELF.
I don’t see myself as a DIFFERENT person per se, but wiser, ( and i have more insurance! Ha. ok maybe that was a bad reference. 😛 )
skylar
Living with my exP has really been a gift in that it taught me things I could never have imagined or learned elsewhere. I hate that I lost so much but the lessons are invaluable.
For instance, if I had come on this site and read everyones’ stories and all the recommended books BEFORE I left him, I might have stayed for a while longer to observe him and unravel some of the mysteries. The knowledge I gained would have made me feel secure in my ability to outwit him. But in fact, that would have been a deadly mistake because he was poisoning me and he was getting really close to knocking me off with an overdose of my own sleeping pills. The only reason I figured that out is because I actually left him and that’s when he emptied the refrigerator of all the food. Then I knew why he never ate the foods I ate; why he watched closely while I cooked, hovering over me; why he made comments like, “you’d be so easy to poison because you take so many vitamins” and “I think my friends are trying to poison me”; why I cooked an entire Tgiving dinner (organic turkey, glutenfree stuffing and pumpkin pie) and he wouldn’t eat a bite and so on.
My point is that no matter what we think they are capable of, we aren’t even close, they have no limits AT ALL. I learned that from him when he was projecting at me, he said, “you are evil and you have no limits”.
We might think we have impenetrable defenses from studying, learning but like that flu virus, they just keep morphing and a new vaccine is required every year.
Ox Drover
Dear Dancingnancies, Yes “Without conscience” was the first book I read, and it is HIGHLIGHTED all through out and marks on pages and corners turned down. “The gift of Fear” is also a great one! I have a LONG SHELF FULL of books about psychopaths, controlling people, stalkers, the Stockholm Syndrome, and anything that has to do with social interactions…some books are good, some aren’t so great, but I take some pieces of wisdom from each one to add to my STOCKPILE of things that make sense to me.
Psychopaths are predators, and predators pick out certain individuals from a herd that have something about them that makes them an “easier” or “preferred” target. Maybe the thing is where they are standing in relationship to something, or a slight limp., or they are younger, or older, or fatter or leaner, something about that particular prey animal that makes the predator say “AH, a victim presents!!!” Sometimes it is just the “luck of the draw” or the proximity of the predator to the street we walk down. Almost truly at “random.” Once they pick out a prey though, they focus on that individual until they have it under control, just like a pride of lions or a pack of wolves, or a coyote after a jackrabbit.
Once we have “escaped” from a predator though, we can look back and see some of what helped us to escape, look back and see what a “predator” LOOKS and acts like so that in the future we may spot them from a greater distance away before they get close enough to reach and gain control over us.
Yep, I do NOT feel that I know what EVERY predatory human looks or acts like, but I know about some of them, and I am CAUTIOUS now, much more than before, because I do not intend to be EASILY taken as prey.
In many ways I am I think better, wiser, smarter, and more leery of strangers, but also less tolerant of bad or threatening behavior in anyone. Very unlikely to grant my trust easily or completely. I am no longer easily swayed by someone’s words, but more prone to watch their actions.
Vision
Hi All
Long time no comment. Been busy with life and still reading. Mostly making sure my grandson gets attention and love to grow up on!!
I agree wholeheartedly with Oxy. I read this book a year ago and felt it was confusing as brought out by Oxy. It seems to excuse and take sides with the predator, the psychopath….