It’s amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others.
Well, I read the book, but I’m not sure I can recommend it.
Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, I’m not.
First of all, let’s define “gaslighting.” According to Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Gaslighting is nasty behavior. The problem I have with this book is that Dr. Stern never, ever mentions, not once, that a person who is gaslighting someone else may be malicious, controlling, and intent on destroying the soul of the victim. She does not mention that the gaslighter may be mentally and emotionally abusing someone else, simply for his or her amusement. She does not say that the gaslighter may be evil.
Here’s how Dr. Stern defines the gaslighting relationship:
The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.
This definition makes it seem like the two parties—gaslighter and gaslightee—are equally responsible for the dynamics. I don’t think that’s true. Then, a few pages later, Dr. Stern writes:
Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.
Excuse me while I barf. Sociopaths who engage in gaslighting do not feel weak and powerless. They are motivated by dominance and feel totally entitled to do what they want and take what they want, even if it is someone else’s sanity.
Three types of gaslighters
Next, Dr. Stern describes three types of gaslighters—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator. She spends the most time describing the Glamour Gaslighter:
He lets you know you’re the most wonderful woman in the world, the only one who’s ever understood him, the fairy-tale princess who has magically transformed his life. He’ll transform your life, too, he implies or even promises, he’ll shower you with affection, take you to wonderful places, sweep you off your feet with gifts or intimate confessions or sexual attention of a kind you’ve never known before.
This is a perfect description of a sociopath in full seduction mode. But Dr. Stern doesn’t seem to get it. Instead, she explains that this man is in love with the idea of a relationship. He likes to be a leading man, and is looking for a leading lady to fill her part.
Dr. Stern describes the Good-Guy Gaslighter as someone who needs to appear reasonable and good, but is deeply committed to getting his own way. She spends the least amount of time describing the Intimidator, perhaps because the problems are so obvious—put-downs, yelling, bullying, guilt trips and other types of punishment. In order for a relationship with an Intimidator to be more satisfying, she says, the Intimidator will need to alter his way of relating. Yeah, right.
Stress response
Much of this book describes sample cases of gaslightees trying to understand and cope with gaslighters. I’m sure this helps people realize and identify what is going on in these relationships.
The book, however, falls down when Dr. Stern explains why this behavior happens. She writes, “Gaslighting is a response to stress; people become either gaslighters or gaslightees when they feel threatened.”
Sociopaths don’t engage in gaslighting because they’re stressed. They engage in it because it’s who they are and what they do. And victims don’t become gaslightees because of stress. They are trapped because of a psychopathic bond created by the predator.
Then, Dr. Stern asks the reader to be honest:
Think about the ways in which you aren’t being your best self. Do you set off your gaslighter by being overly critical or demanding? Do you belittle your gaslighter or play on his vulnerabilities? Do you say or do things that you know will make him crazy?
Gee, the people I hear from are walking on eggshells trying not to set the guy off. Until, of course, it gets so bad that they have not choice but to explode.
What’s your view?
In the last chapter, Dr. Stern offers three courses of action for people in these situations: Changing the gaslighting relationship from within, limiting a gaslighting relationship, or leaving the relationship. Yes, these are the three choices, and the book offers suggestions on how to decide what to do.
When considering whether to stay in the relationship and change it from within, Dr. Stern reminds the reader to be compassionate, both for herself and the gaslighter. She writes:
You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.
Is this true? I am asking an honest question of Lovefraud readers here, and I would appreciate your feedback. Have any of you ever been subjected to gaslighting by someone who was basically a good person with problems? Can any of you attribute gaslighting behavior to the perpetrator’s stress or internal pain? Or, do you feel that gaslighting behavior is due to sociopathic traits?
Afraid to recommend
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this book, The Gaslight Effect. The author does a good job of explaining what the behavior looks like, and the questions victims should ask themselves to determine what is really going on. She offers strategies for coping with the behavior, including leaving the relationship.
But Dr. Stern seems to come from that school of therapy that believes both parties contribute equally to relationship problems. Throughout the entire book, I kept waiting for the author to warn the reader that some gaslighters have dangerous, pathological personality disorders, and they should run, not walk, for the nearest exit. The warning never came.
Therefore, I’m afraid to recommend the book, because it may encourage people to stay and try to work things out with an abuser. And the longer people stay in a gaslighting relationship, the more power they lose, and the harder it is to finally leave.
jazzy129
Hi crazee! Things are well. Miss you! I’ll call soon!
jeannie812…I wanted my ex spath hole to feel pain, too. I HATE him…after 2 years. Bastard lied to me and stole from me, and slandered me.
But…after 2 years I realized I don’t have to have him in my head anymore. It takes time. You will be o.k. You will…I promise. It takes time.
Stay here…read the stories….connect. We have all been betrayed. It will be o.k.
soimnotthecrazee1
Ok jazz!!
Jeannie.. it is so hard to resist the anger…. I remember that stage…. I wanted him to hurt as much as i did. The thing is reality… they don’t feel anything, they don’t hurt or feel pain. The only way to get to my xspath would be to set his hoarding garage on fire or to cut his testicles off!!! LOLOL don’t take that as an idea. Now I understand loraina bobbit!! cut his penis off!!! LOLOLOLOLOL ROTFLMAO!!!!!! I bet that got his farking attention!!!
soimnotthecrazee1
Jazz,
Are you going to visit your Aunt? Did the snow clear out?
Hugzz
NTCRZE
soimnotthecrazee1
Basic Instinct, Burning Bed, Fried green tomatoes and so many more!! I can’t remember the name of one in the last few years where she went back in time to save her cheating husband from a car wreck…. darn anybody know it? a few years old! All women driven to madness in the name of love!!! ARRRGGGHHH
dancingnancies
The Co-dependency theory is absolutely a bunch of crap, and as Kathy Krajco described- coined & perpetuated by a bunch of “foggy headed idiots”
I was reading the comments in an old LF posting the other day, and BloggerT posted something very *interesting* and IMHO very important as well.
Source : http://female-offenders.com/Safehouse/2008/07/people-see-what-they-want-to-see.html
In essence the more you have put into something, the more you feel compelled to justify your association with it- EVEN DESPITE circumstances which should make you think otherwise. So instead of beating oneself up for “staying in spite of abuse” one should EDUCATE themselves on the nature of abuse and what makes someone stay in spite of abusive behavior.
The victims of sociopaths/narcissists are not just “weak minded” or “weak willed” for staying in an abusive situation… I mean how do you explain fraternity hazing? Consider the following excerpt from an article on the dynamics of fraternity hazing:
Source : http://www.newswise.com/articles/study-shows-how-and-why-hazing-works
This dynamic of needing to self-justify PLUS the gaslighting, manipulation… and IGNORANCE of the prevalence of sociopathy and that it exists is a DANGEROUS combination.
The facts say it all. Do not for a second beat yourself up, in retrospect for staying despite the escalating abuse. Instead, understand the dynamics of a Psychopath-Victim involvement and be aware.
More on Cognitive Dissonance from the [First] article I posted :
soimnotthecrazee1
TOO MUCH to read this late at night…. will reread it in the am and digest it then. Time for the news and off to counting sheep (hopefully not counting spaths).
Sweet Dreams all!
Soimnotthecrazee1!
Ox Drover
Dear Jeannie,
Darling I can relate to the anger, the rage, the visions of revenge. Actually, thinking about revenge lights up the “pleasure” centers of the brain (no kidding!) so that desire for revenge is NORMAL AND NATURAL. The problem with it is that it EATS AT US, not them. I can remember lying awake nights dreaming of how to kill one of the psychopaths and not get caught! That is how serious my hate was for this guy. I realized though that the hate and the rage was eating me like a cancer. I had to get the rage out of me, for ME.
It is one of those things that we have to work on, we don’t want to feel like this for ever, so we have to work through it without pushing it down and pretending it isn’t there.
Hang on! (((hugs))))
soimnotthecrazee1
Jazzy…. Sweet Dreams woman!!!!
lesson learned
There are times when I read posts here and my heart wants to explode. Jeannie, I so understand your anger. If there was a way to do away with my ex POS for all the pain he caused I would do it.
Boy that sure felt good.
I’m so so so so sorry that those of you here are experiencing such pain at the hands of these assholes.
All I can do is pray, while admitting defeat. I’m an emotional mess and wreck right now too, just recently NC. And he is in my neighborhood with new gf. I swear to GOD if it weren’t for the reality that my children need stability here and that I feel I need to maintain it, I’d be SO GONE!!!
God Bless all of you that are hurting, angry and in great emotionial stress over all of this. My heart goes out to you on levels that I wish I could help you all understand…
Peace, I hope, to you all………….
skylar
As long as we take the anger and focus it on wanting revenge for ourselves, we will never feel good. We need to focus that anger on finding ways to get rid of all spaths forever – like Donna did and continues to do. First step is to educate ourselves then educate others. I feel so much better when I evangelize about spaths. I do it all the time to total strangers. Some people might think it’s strange, and maybe sometimes I’m even evangelizing to a spath! But mostly, people are really interested. And often, I’ll run into ONE OF US – a person who has met a spath and lived to tell! It’s very gratifying. It makes me feel less alone and gives value to the hell I went through, if I can save even one other.
No, the anger never goes away completely. Today it was triggered by my purchase of a carpet cleaning service through a groupon. I mentioned it to my BF and then somehow the conversation turned to all the cops that harrassed me last year at the spath’s directive. He called the suicide prevention line and spoke with them for an hour (I saw his phone records) then they sent cops to my mom’s house to prevent my suicide! Before that, it was 2 missing persons reports in one day by my spath neighbor. The outrage is that the cops were in on it – even the fucking sheriff – AN ELECTED OFFICIAL. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY TAXES!
Ok, breathe, calm down….make plans to evangelize….