It’s amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others.
Well, I read the book, but I’m not sure I can recommend it.
Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, I’m not.
First of all, let’s define “gaslighting.” According to Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Gaslighting is nasty behavior. The problem I have with this book is that Dr. Stern never, ever mentions, not once, that a person who is gaslighting someone else may be malicious, controlling, and intent on destroying the soul of the victim. She does not mention that the gaslighter may be mentally and emotionally abusing someone else, simply for his or her amusement. She does not say that the gaslighter may be evil.
Here’s how Dr. Stern defines the gaslighting relationship:
The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.
This definition makes it seem like the two parties—gaslighter and gaslightee—are equally responsible for the dynamics. I don’t think that’s true. Then, a few pages later, Dr. Stern writes:
Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.
Excuse me while I barf. Sociopaths who engage in gaslighting do not feel weak and powerless. They are motivated by dominance and feel totally entitled to do what they want and take what they want, even if it is someone else’s sanity.
Three types of gaslighters
Next, Dr. Stern describes three types of gaslighters—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator. She spends the most time describing the Glamour Gaslighter:
He lets you know you’re the most wonderful woman in the world, the only one who’s ever understood him, the fairy-tale princess who has magically transformed his life. He’ll transform your life, too, he implies or even promises, he’ll shower you with affection, take you to wonderful places, sweep you off your feet with gifts or intimate confessions or sexual attention of a kind you’ve never known before.
This is a perfect description of a sociopath in full seduction mode. But Dr. Stern doesn’t seem to get it. Instead, she explains that this man is in love with the idea of a relationship. He likes to be a leading man, and is looking for a leading lady to fill her part.
Dr. Stern describes the Good-Guy Gaslighter as someone who needs to appear reasonable and good, but is deeply committed to getting his own way. She spends the least amount of time describing the Intimidator, perhaps because the problems are so obvious—put-downs, yelling, bullying, guilt trips and other types of punishment. In order for a relationship with an Intimidator to be more satisfying, she says, the Intimidator will need to alter his way of relating. Yeah, right.
Stress response
Much of this book describes sample cases of gaslightees trying to understand and cope with gaslighters. I’m sure this helps people realize and identify what is going on in these relationships.
The book, however, falls down when Dr. Stern explains why this behavior happens. She writes, “Gaslighting is a response to stress; people become either gaslighters or gaslightees when they feel threatened.”
Sociopaths don’t engage in gaslighting because they’re stressed. They engage in it because it’s who they are and what they do. And victims don’t become gaslightees because of stress. They are trapped because of a psychopathic bond created by the predator.
Then, Dr. Stern asks the reader to be honest:
Think about the ways in which you aren’t being your best self. Do you set off your gaslighter by being overly critical or demanding? Do you belittle your gaslighter or play on his vulnerabilities? Do you say or do things that you know will make him crazy?
Gee, the people I hear from are walking on eggshells trying not to set the guy off. Until, of course, it gets so bad that they have not choice but to explode.
What’s your view?
In the last chapter, Dr. Stern offers three courses of action for people in these situations: Changing the gaslighting relationship from within, limiting a gaslighting relationship, or leaving the relationship. Yes, these are the three choices, and the book offers suggestions on how to decide what to do.
When considering whether to stay in the relationship and change it from within, Dr. Stern reminds the reader to be compassionate, both for herself and the gaslighter. She writes:
You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.
Is this true? I am asking an honest question of Lovefraud readers here, and I would appreciate your feedback. Have any of you ever been subjected to gaslighting by someone who was basically a good person with problems? Can any of you attribute gaslighting behavior to the perpetrator’s stress or internal pain? Or, do you feel that gaslighting behavior is due to sociopathic traits?
Afraid to recommend
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this book, The Gaslight Effect. The author does a good job of explaining what the behavior looks like, and the questions victims should ask themselves to determine what is really going on. She offers strategies for coping with the behavior, including leaving the relationship.
But Dr. Stern seems to come from that school of therapy that believes both parties contribute equally to relationship problems. Throughout the entire book, I kept waiting for the author to warn the reader that some gaslighters have dangerous, pathological personality disorders, and they should run, not walk, for the nearest exit. The warning never came.
Therefore, I’m afraid to recommend the book, because it may encourage people to stay and try to work things out with an abuser. And the longer people stay in a gaslighting relationship, the more power they lose, and the harder it is to finally leave.
Dear Kim,
I agree with you and the denial is also part of enabling and control is part of enabling and the gasoline and fire is part of enabling and we all I think “learned to function in our dysfunction!” LOL Gosh that is such a great phrase and So descriptive of what we do to survive.
Yes, I agree it is all very complimentary and woven into a seamless garment of dysfunction. We can’t control anyone or anything except ourselves. We can’t fix anyone or anything except ourselves. We can only act for ourselves and make our own decisions.
IT is, as well, I think, sort of on a scale of things as well with the gasoline and fire type relationships being on one end of the scale and the total abuser/total victim oon the other end of the scale.
This Trena McElroy started out as a shy child who was majorly abused and ended up a violent woman herself who co-abused with her abuser. I think all of us have the capacity to become “Trena” in order to survive.
I think the “Stockholm Syndrome” is why people become enslaved or victimized to an extent that they stay in a totally abusive relationship. How could slavery work, otherwise? Even prisoners and guards have that sort of “co-dependent” behavior of gasoline and fire, alternately cooperation and fighting back, trying to escape. Trena actually escaped several times as did several other women. McElroy usually kept two women in the house at the same time, even after he married Trena and kept only her at his home, one of his past wives had a child 11 months after the marriage to Trena. Each of these women knew about the others, and I think that was part of the emotional torture he inflicted.
Of course McElroy is on the FAR end of the Bell curve for abusers, but he is NOT UNIQUE in any way. There are pockets of that kind of abuse of both individuals and communities all over this country and the world. I can show you communities in this county where there are men just like McElroy, that the law won’t go near. Look at what is happening in Mexico right now on a larger scale with the narco/kidnapping groups and cartels and gangs. It is organized psychopathy.
I’m at a point now, Kim, where I think I could trust myself with another relationship, but there are not partners available that I would even consider possible candidates, so I am content with just being by myself. A feeling of contentment with what I have. What I am. I know for SURE I don’t want another bad relationship!!!! LOL
I’m not in any way suggesting that all victims are co-dependant. Not at all. Mostly, I wanted to share my experience so that anyone reading who might be seeking a solution wouldn’t automatically turn away from co-dependancy treatment. It was very helpfull to me. But, then IAM CO_DEPENDANT. I’m sure that many victims aren’t.
I just want it to stand as a viable option for people who do have these issues and don’t want them to read in this forum that it’s a bunch of hooey.
The big book says this: One thing Dogged us at every step. Contempt, prior to investigation”.
I just want the “idea” of co-dependancy to remain open to investigation.
I agree with you, as far as the inverted narcissism goes….
I am not an inverted anything.
I think some folks might really benefit from looking into it.
I am with you Oxy. I am so totally into myself now. I am giving myself this year for ME. I have set goals for myself to become the best me that i could be!!
I wrote down the goals…keep losing weight, catch up on my reading, taking better care of my body…and other goals to improve my life.
I have faith that any new relationship will be with people who are REAL..honest and caring. No more games and deception. I have some very REAL friends and I got rid of anyone that isn’t…even some family members. I don’t even call them anymore.
Life is just too short to allow anyone to use and abuse us.
Dancing, I think the term “inverted narcissism” was invented by Sam Vaknin who is himself a GREAT Psychopathic character with a phony PhD and who is the “star” of the documentary “I, Psychopath.”
Sam is certainly NO EXPERT in psychopathy even though he pretends to be. Sam’s writings are spread widely over the Internet and he touts himself and his writings as explaining psychopathy and narcissism.
I agree with you that “co-dependency” can be used as a cover for “blaming the victim” but the old phrase of “chit on me once, shame on you, chit on me twice, shame on me” has some validity in enabling behavior.
It is true that abusers tend to gravitate toward people who are willing to enable them and “help” them by taking over their responsibilities—and people who are willing and caring to “help” others seem to attract those who are WILLING TO ABUSE them, but it doesn’t have to be the case. Con men like Donna’s husband and Liane’s husband, can fool some pretty smart cookies who are pretty functional people, so it doesn’t mean that because we were fooled we were idiots or that we were stupid or that we are to blame for what they did—but we were responsible for staying with them by the choices we made. The evidence of abuse may not have been “quite as clear cut” as Trena McElroy’s were when Ken beat her with the barrel of a shot gun until her facial bones shattered, but we did stay with the abuser, we were “hoodwinked” by the abuser, we were bonded to the abuser.
The abusers I think destroy our boundaries little by little, inch by inch, and we normalize the abusive behavior the same way, inch by inch, and in order to protect ourselves emotionally, we have to believe, we make ourselves believe, that they love us, and we stay or come crawling back like a loyal dog because that is what we expect ourselves to do. Or, we may start to abuse them back in the “musical chairs game” of VICTIM-RESCUER-PERSECUTOR of tit-for-tat, alternately sitting in the different “chairs” with the co-abuser. It is not unusual for two abusers (often times of different levels of dysfunction) to hook up with each other, or a victim to become a co-abuser if left with an abuser long enough. Where does it start? Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? But not every victim becomes a co-abuser no matter how long they are abused. Not every child who is abused becomes and abuser, though some do. Why? I’m not sure. I don’t think anyone is totally sure unless it is just that we all have some genes that would tend to make us abusers under the RIGHT circumstances of environment, or the genetics to make us become victims under the right circumstances of environment. There is definite evidence that psychopathy has some genetic components, so why not victim-hood as well be somewhat genetically predisposed when coupled with the right environment?
We are all a mixture of genetics and environmental components, and genes are turned on or off by environment all the time. We also learn from experiences and that changes our brains. Lots of stuff going on, and many variables. Interesting stuff and lots of research, but probably won’t be any major answers during my life time, but would love to know!
In the meantime, all we can do is to LEARN FROM OUR OWN EXPERIENCES, and to learn to spot and avoid the kinds of interactions in the future that would lead us into dysfunctional relationships with abusers if we can possibly avoid them.
Kim,
When I read your words they resonate with my experience. My programming has been that control= love. That is what my parents did to me, so it must be true, right?
The exP was able to use this to further control me, but there is another side to this. I also have the tendency to want to control those I love. Even though I know better, the FEELING that I should want to control is still there. It comes out in my need to “fix” people’s problems. This is just one example of the problems in my programming.
My programming leaves me in a position of trying to live a life that doesn’t feel natural to me. It is a life that I know is correct because of what I have read and learned here and in books, but my natural tendency is to revert to what my parents modeled for me. Kind of reminds me of the wild girl child, who never learned to speak (she was raised by wolves or something). The people who found her, did teach her to behave correctly for a while, but really she just preferred to sit on the floor and act like an animal.
Oxy, yes and i don’t doubt that the Wiki edit may be contributed to his doing. He seems to be quite insistent in spreading his “seeds” all across the net. We certainly have to be more careful of our sources.
Kim I didn’t mean to imply that you suggested all victims were codependent at all. Still it remains to me that there are just too many flaws in the theory to give it merit.
Just to pose some food for thought – An article delineating the opposite view : Kathy Krajco’s article, “Does Codependency Therapy Help or Hurt?” http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/03/does-codependency-therapy-help-or-hurt.html
( The author, Kathy Krajco was raised by an N father and an N sister.. though I’m sure you’ve come across her work somewhere else )
People have made some very thoughtful and insightful posts in the comments section of the article
I don’t doubt that there needs to be a wealth of deprogramming done in respect to the children of S/N/Ps… I just don’t think it is helpful to attribute pathology to the own victim’s makeup. I’m very keen to the idea that “the simplest answer is the right one” and codependency theory is too messy for me to grasp as valid.
That said, I don’t mean to invalidate your own successes with therapy at all- I don’t doubt that you have been helped by realizing that you may be more susceptible to getting stringed into the abuse cycle of the S/N/P because you may have been conditioned a certain way in your upbringing. That kind of realization is indeed a positive one because you have become aware of perhaps unconscious people-pleasing propensities in yourself which have developed as a result of habituation. It is the underlining theory itself I have an issue with. I don’t agree with the codependency theory and what it suggests as a whole- and I think readers on LF will be able to make an educated decision for themselves, as you have presented your own side of the argument as well, as have I.
Dear Dancing,
Funny thing, when I first got on line and “found” a blog site for victims of Ns and Ps, it was a site owned by DOCTOR Vaknin! LOL And actually the moderators were just as disordered as he was I think, I was there for a while and read some of Sam’s writings and then other stuff, and I had a copy of Bob Hare’s book which had been given to me by a friend several years before and I sort of knew what my P-sperm donor was. I had also worked in psych professionally but still didn’t know that much about psychopathy, but started to learn and read more. I was a BASKET CASE though because I had at that time literally had to FLEE my home to preserve my very life.
On the SV-owned site the moderators began to target me though, and just “mind-raped” me and I felt like I was leaving my only safety net when I got off that site due to the verbal abuse from them. Primarily for saying I was a Christian, now I was NOT preaching to the other bloggers any more than I am here, but just saying that MY FAITH SUSTAINED ME….and they FLAMED me big time saying I was “religiously abusing others” They would let someone post all about how their Wiccan beliefs sustained them though. Plus, Sam V. posted an article “Jesus was a Narcissist” about how Jesus was JUST LIKE HIM. About that time I found LoveFraud and I was so glad to find it, but still very raw and tender (that was the fall/summer of 2007).
There are various sites out on the net that are religious based, that are 12-step based, etc etc and they almost all have some good points in their way of looking at healing from a psychopath. I have not found ANY other site though that seems to have to spirit that LoveFraud does, or the diversity of bloggers, or the kindness and supportiveness of LoveFraud, so that is why I stay HERE versus other places that I could blog.
I also find that I learn new things here on LF every day. There is stuff goes by that I disagree with and sometimes I don’t even comment on it, and other times I will rebut it, but I no longer take offense at anything anyone says to me here, and if I think someone is offensive to others I will notify Donna on the “report abusive comment” link put here for the purpose. The odd troll comes through here and most of us “old timers” just stone wall him/her/it and give them the potted plant treatment but I don’t let it bother me in the least. I guess part of that is just that I have moved out of the RAW and vulnerable stage (at least for now) and am more sure in my own skin of what I believe and how I think.
I do know that healing is a journey, not a destination, and that I want to stay on that road from here on out and NOT GET SIDE TRACKED by anyone or anything. I want to be kind to others, but I have no intention of taking any carp from an abuser either if I can prevent it.
I see people here who are still in such pain and misery, and my heart truly aches for them, but at the same time, I realize that I cant heal for them, all I can do is to extend my hand to them if they want to take it. The rest is up to them. I’m forever grateful to Donna for this place and all the work she puts in to LF and to the many others who have blogged here, written articles and so on, that have helped me to reach the place I am at today.
LoveFraud and the Bible are my two favorite reads!
I don’t have a problem with the dependency part of it, definetely the CO part of it though.
Dependency in my mind is immediately associated with victim blaming. I don’t know why. On the flip side of that coin, there IS something to be said for dependency upon an abuser, but I think dependency is not a word that accurately depicts what it is to have been victimized by these creatures. Trauma bonding works better for me. I can see how that would be, well because it is. 🙂
The word prefix “Co” to me seems to mean one who is like “Co conspirator”…I don’t care for that either. I think anything that remotely “blames” the victim, or implies it, is dangerous emotionally to those recovering from this. I do agree that one has a choice as to whether or not to be an accomplice of the abuser, however, I would reserve that particular word for someone who is as disordered as the abuser himself. I wonder what happens when two disordered people are in this type of relationshit? Things to think about.
Dancingnancys, I read the article you supplied the link to. I have to say that that was NOT my experience at all. I was in codependancy treatment not ACONP though, but what I was taught was that the first three rules we learn in childhood are: 1. Don’t trust.
2. Don’t talk.
3. Don’t feel.
My therapy was very focussed on remebering, and identifying feelings, in order to recover from the trauma.
It was life-changing for me.
The 12 steps helped me find faith, and let go of denial, and my need to control others. I found peace there.
No one who is in pain after a run in with these disordered people wants to look at themselves. It makes us feel indignant. How could anyone have the audacity to say there’s anything “wrong” with me?
That’s normal.
But some of us know our lives won’t change unless we acknowledge that there are “vulnerabilities.”
A lot of people don’t make it in 12 step programs simply because they WON’T look at themselves and they are a lot more comfortable playing victim and just keep pointing the finger at somebody else.
A lot of people don’t make it in 12 step programs because they won’t admit powerlessness, and they don’t want to let go of their illusions of control. They don’t want to rely on a power greater then themselves. In my opinion, these resistances are symptomatic of their disease.
So, while I respect your right to have your opnion, I emphatically disagree.
I do believe we all have to find our own way, and what works for me won’t work for everybody, though. We are all individuals with our own rows to hoe.
It’s very understandable that most of “psychologists” know about psychopathy much more less than the psychopaths’ victims do because most of those lack the practise. It’s necessary to suffer any psychopath in order to understand psychopathy. It’s not enough at all with just the theoretical study of the charter “Psychopathy” of the books they studied at university.