It’s amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others.
Well, I read the book, but I’m not sure I can recommend it.
Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, I’m not.
First of all, let’s define “gaslighting.” According to Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Gaslighting is nasty behavior. The problem I have with this book is that Dr. Stern never, ever mentions, not once, that a person who is gaslighting someone else may be malicious, controlling, and intent on destroying the soul of the victim. She does not mention that the gaslighter may be mentally and emotionally abusing someone else, simply for his or her amusement. She does not say that the gaslighter may be evil.
Here’s how Dr. Stern defines the gaslighting relationship:
The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.
This definition makes it seem like the two parties—gaslighter and gaslightee—are equally responsible for the dynamics. I don’t think that’s true. Then, a few pages later, Dr. Stern writes:
Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.
Excuse me while I barf. Sociopaths who engage in gaslighting do not feel weak and powerless. They are motivated by dominance and feel totally entitled to do what they want and take what they want, even if it is someone else’s sanity.
Three types of gaslighters
Next, Dr. Stern describes three types of gaslighters—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator. She spends the most time describing the Glamour Gaslighter:
He lets you know you’re the most wonderful woman in the world, the only one who’s ever understood him, the fairy-tale princess who has magically transformed his life. He’ll transform your life, too, he implies or even promises, he’ll shower you with affection, take you to wonderful places, sweep you off your feet with gifts or intimate confessions or sexual attention of a kind you’ve never known before.
This is a perfect description of a sociopath in full seduction mode. But Dr. Stern doesn’t seem to get it. Instead, she explains that this man is in love with the idea of a relationship. He likes to be a leading man, and is looking for a leading lady to fill her part.
Dr. Stern describes the Good-Guy Gaslighter as someone who needs to appear reasonable and good, but is deeply committed to getting his own way. She spends the least amount of time describing the Intimidator, perhaps because the problems are so obvious—put-downs, yelling, bullying, guilt trips and other types of punishment. In order for a relationship with an Intimidator to be more satisfying, she says, the Intimidator will need to alter his way of relating. Yeah, right.
Stress response
Much of this book describes sample cases of gaslightees trying to understand and cope with gaslighters. I’m sure this helps people realize and identify what is going on in these relationships.
The book, however, falls down when Dr. Stern explains why this behavior happens. She writes, “Gaslighting is a response to stress; people become either gaslighters or gaslightees when they feel threatened.”
Sociopaths don’t engage in gaslighting because they’re stressed. They engage in it because it’s who they are and what they do. And victims don’t become gaslightees because of stress. They are trapped because of a psychopathic bond created by the predator.
Then, Dr. Stern asks the reader to be honest:
Think about the ways in which you aren’t being your best self. Do you set off your gaslighter by being overly critical or demanding? Do you belittle your gaslighter or play on his vulnerabilities? Do you say or do things that you know will make him crazy?
Gee, the people I hear from are walking on eggshells trying not to set the guy off. Until, of course, it gets so bad that they have not choice but to explode.
What’s your view?
In the last chapter, Dr. Stern offers three courses of action for people in these situations: Changing the gaslighting relationship from within, limiting a gaslighting relationship, or leaving the relationship. Yes, these are the three choices, and the book offers suggestions on how to decide what to do.
When considering whether to stay in the relationship and change it from within, Dr. Stern reminds the reader to be compassionate, both for herself and the gaslighter. She writes:
You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.
Is this true? I am asking an honest question of Lovefraud readers here, and I would appreciate your feedback. Have any of you ever been subjected to gaslighting by someone who was basically a good person with problems? Can any of you attribute gaslighting behavior to the perpetrator’s stress or internal pain? Or, do you feel that gaslighting behavior is due to sociopathic traits?
Afraid to recommend
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this book, The Gaslight Effect. The author does a good job of explaining what the behavior looks like, and the questions victims should ask themselves to determine what is really going on. She offers strategies for coping with the behavior, including leaving the relationship.
But Dr. Stern seems to come from that school of therapy that believes both parties contribute equally to relationship problems. Throughout the entire book, I kept waiting for the author to warn the reader that some gaslighters have dangerous, pathological personality disorders, and they should run, not walk, for the nearest exit. The warning never came.
Therefore, I’m afraid to recommend the book, because it may encourage people to stay and try to work things out with an abuser. And the longer people stay in a gaslighting relationship, the more power they lose, and the harder it is to finally leave.
skylar
The man my exP befriended in order to con him out of his money, helicopter and his life, was no dummy.
He was a corporate head hunter for 30 years, wealthy and smart, but he was recently widowed. exP befriended him and he told me, “Austin doesn’t have any real friends, he told me I’m the only REAL friend he’s ever had. All the other friends were just corporate types that he didn’t feel close to.”
Austin was 65 years old, looked like a male model with silver hair, wife died of cancer and had one grown daughter. ExP took him on wild adventures in the gyro, played tom sawer to his huck finn. Talked to him about finding a new girlfriend – a skinny one this time, he had only had plump women before. They got very close. ExP convinced him that he would work on his gyrocopter (as long as no one knew because it’s illegal to work on someone else’s experimental) and Austin in turn, would buy exP an R22 helicopter which exP would pay off a bit at a time. No payments were made and the gyro fell out of the sky with Austin in it.
The truth is that NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, if you don’t know what a spath looks like, you will run into one and it will eat you. The only defense is knowledge of what a spath is. Camoflauge, like gray rock, does LOWER your chances of being eaten. Zebras blend into the herd with their stripes. Even though the predator can see the herd, it’s hard for them to pick out an individual zebra as they all run together. But predators need to eat so they will eventually separate one zebra and focus on it.
tobehappy
Twice….I am not saying that to be kind is to be weak.
But, I was “too nice”…. too trusting…(people pleaser due to low self esteem…wanted everyone to like me…)….
and giving everyone a chance and thinking everyone has “good in them”…(my old beliefs)…..
I am still kind….but I am also SMARTER with who I trust….and with strangers…I keep an arms length distance…
I no longer trust unconditionally. EVER.
I am sweet, nice, and kind. But, I am not “TOO NICE” ….and I now have my “smart cap” on always!
Yes, the S and P’s are disordered. But, I also feel that ..once you are conned and abused by one of them….you need to do some self analysis.
When I worked at a DV center…abused women….every single one of them had issues that they realized contributed to being abused…Some owned businesses…were professionals…etc..
But, psychologically, they all admitted to 1- not listening to their gut feelings 2- not setting boundaries from the start 3- not feeling good about themselves deep down. 4- not being taught social skills.
Funny,99% of them admitted to feeling unworthwhile at some level.
I met so many women this past weekend…who stayed in abusive marriages for all different reasons….I started to think that we really need to do something about it. And, I believe that everything starts at home…in childhood.
I keep drumming into my girls heads….”Find your passion and run with it…Prince Charming isn’t coming…..never depend on anyone in your life….never trust unconditionally…and always be true to yourself…listen to your gut feelings…
In our society…EVIL will continue to persist. We need to help teach our children how to survive.
Twice Betrayed
My older daughter is a hard, tough, business executive. She sees love as a hold over her. She recently told me she has envisioned all her family as dead to the point of attending their funeral, so that even their death has no ‘power’ over her. This made the blood drain down from my chest. It unnerved me! I don’t know this person!
tobehappy
Well Skylar….
We all make mistakes and trust the wrong people. Even smart people make mistakes.
Its part of life to learn from our mistakes.
I gave a contractor money upfront and never saw him. I learned never to trust a contractor again…no money upfront.
I don’t know about the guy who your x conned…but he couldn’t have been very smart if he lost so much.
Then again…Bernie Madoff ripped off a lot of smart people.
skylar
BTW, a spath doesn’t look like a lion, it looks like another zebra.
dancingnancies
tobehappy it’s just not safe to generalize all victims of psychopaths as being weak in some areas.. OF COURSE none of us are perfect! How many people in your life do you know who are perfect in each and every way? If you talk to anyone they’ll say they have a vulnerability, weight, work, self-image, SOMETHING! We’re not robots, we’re human. ( They deliberately try and FIND one vulnerability in you, everyone has one! That or they’ll without second thought take advantage of a healthy human inclination.. and MAKE you vulnerable) It’s NOT anyone’s fault for being victimized, sure victims need to do self-analysis in terms of HOW CAN I AVOID THESE PREDATORS in the future but not in terms of “there’s something wrong with me” … that is wrong. The WEAKNESS is not knowing psychopaths exist. Most people don’t know they exist..
I stress that it is dangerous to generalize because at the end of a psychopathic encounter one IS reduced to a scared, emotional ball because they don’t know what just HIT them. I brought up in the Blaming the Victim fallacies post.. the following ( I’m quoting myself )
Following victimization it is EASY to convince a victim in his/her vulnerable state that they had traits they DIDN’T have before the psychopathic encounter. Why? Because they themselves can’t remember who they were before the Psychopath! ( Especially if they’ve spent years upon years with this individual )
Psychopaths prey on everyone. The BEST thing one can do for oneself is to read all about psychopathy as one can- not spend endless dollars on “self-help” books to raise “self-esteem” because you’d be wasting your money. You could have very high self-esteem, be a powerful person in society, have fulfilling, loving relationships, be happy in most areas of life and STILL be preyed on. Not to acknowledge that is dangerous. Read read and read. Know the facts, know the red flags, protect yourself.
Twice Betrayed
tobe: some of what you say, I agree with, some I don’t.
Yes, evil does exist, we do need to be aware and we need to teach our children. I agree.
I mean this w/o malice: I do feel you are disillusioned [and rightfully so], and blaming yourself for being victimized. All people feel unworthy, lonely, confused at some point. But, the answer here is: normal people feel this, P’s just see it as a loss of the prey. That’s why they are not embarrassed when they are busted or exposed. They don’t have those emotions or shame, guilt etc. They just change their MO and keep victimizing.
Twice Betrayed
“Following victimization it is EASY to convince a victim in his/her vulnerable state that they had traits they DIDN’T have before the psychopathic encounter. Why? Because they themselves can’t remember who they were before the Psychopath! ( Especially if they’ve spent years upon years with this individual )
Oh, this is just so true-and the more years spent the more true.
Psychopaths prey on everyone. The BEST thing one can do for oneself is to read all about psychopathy as one can- not spend endless dollars on “self-help” books to raise “self-esteem” because you’d be wasting your money. You could have very high self-esteem, be a powerful person in society, have fulfilling, loving relationships, be happy in most areas of life and STILL be preyed on. Not to acknowledge that is dangerous. Read read and read. Know the facts, know the red flags, protect yourself.”
Oh, what a wealth of knowledge in this!!!!! Absolutely priceless!!!
Thanks so much!
skylar
Tobehappy,
you have not met my spath, OMG he is soooo good with the con. He is sooooo nice, so understanding, so humble, no ego, the most fun -EVER! He loves animals and children (literally!). He has the charisma of a little kid, he’ll give you the shirt off his back. Oh and by the way, he had this really naive little wife who was a christian and quite pretty, so he must be a good guy (the wife was me, I was part of his cover).
There is no hint of the evil that he is. That is why I’m the only one who knows.
No one else had insight into all his different behaviors for 25 years. He kept his friends compartmentalized, but he would come home and tell me various aspects of his relationships with male friends and associates.
Every strange behavior is camoflauged by an excuse, “I’m an eccentric inventor”, “I’m dyslexic and can’t spell or barely read”, “do you think I’m thoughtless?”
It was ONLY when my parents told me that they had overheard him TELL someone that he was only with me for my money (25 years ago), that I realized he was a predator, but I still didn’t know what kind. Then out of desperation, I told a total stranger my story in a sushi bar. He explained that spath was a malignant narcissist (sociopath).
My exP doesn’t just con women. He works cons 24/7 everyone, all the time, NEVER STOPS, DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL. He only lives to do evil. If he isn’t doing evil, he gets depressed.
Austin was a self-made millionaire, he was smart, he just thought he was dealing with a zebra.
dancingnancies
Please check out this article by Kathy Krajco, it is inordinately important IMHO ( I’ve posted it in it’s entirety below )… The bolded text are what I feel are the most important.
TwiceBetrayed I’m glad to have helped!
“Blaming the Victim of Narcissism” ( that or sociopathy, psychopathy, we’re all referring to the same thing here )
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/blaming-victim-of-narcissism.html