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It’s amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others.

Well, I read the book, but I’m not sure I can recommend it.

Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, I’m not.

First of all, let’s define “gaslighting.” According to Wikipedia:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Gaslighting is nasty behavior. The problem I have with this book is that Dr. Stern never, ever mentions, not once, that a person who is gaslighting someone else may be malicious, controlling, and intent on destroying the soul of the victim. She does not mention that the gaslighter may be mentally and emotionally abusing someone else, simply for his or her amusement. She does not say that the gaslighter may be evil.

Here’s how Dr. Stern defines the gaslighting relationship:

The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.

This definition makes it seem like the two parties—gaslighter and gaslightee—are equally responsible for the dynamics. I don’t think that’s true. Then, a few pages later, Dr. Stern writes:

Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.

Excuse me while I barf. Sociopaths who engage in gaslighting do not feel weak and powerless. They are motivated by dominance and feel totally entitled to do what they want and take what they want, even if it is someone else’s sanity.

Three types of gaslighters

Next, Dr. Stern describes three types of gaslighters—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator. She spends the most time describing the Glamour Gaslighter:

He lets you know you’re the most wonderful woman in the world, the only one who’s ever understood him, the fairy-tale princess who has magically transformed his life. He’ll transform your life, too, he implies or even promises, he’ll shower you with affection, take you to wonderful places, sweep you off your feet with gifts or intimate confessions or sexual attention of a kind you’ve never known before.

This is a perfect description of a sociopath in full seduction mode. But Dr. Stern doesn’t seem to get it. Instead, she explains that this man is in love with the idea of a relationship. He likes to be a leading man, and is looking for a leading lady to fill her part.

Dr. Stern describes the Good-Guy Gaslighter as someone who needs to appear reasonable and good, but is deeply committed to getting his own way. She spends the least amount of time describing the Intimidator, perhaps because the problems are so obvious—put-downs, yelling, bullying, guilt trips and other types of punishment. In order for a relationship with an Intimidator to be more satisfying, she says, the Intimidator will need to alter his way of relating. Yeah, right.

Stress response

Much of this book describes sample cases of gaslightees trying to understand and cope with gaslighters. I’m sure this helps people realize and identify what is going on in these relationships.

The book, however, falls down when Dr. Stern explains why this behavior happens. She writes, “Gaslighting is a response to stress; people become either gaslighters or gaslightees when they feel threatened.”

Sociopaths don’t engage in gaslighting because they’re stressed. They engage in it because it’s who they are and what they do. And victims don’t become gaslightees because of stress. They are trapped because of a psychopathic bond created by the predator.

Then, Dr. Stern asks the reader to be honest:

Think about the ways in which you aren’t being your best self. Do you set off your gaslighter by being overly critical or demanding? Do you belittle your gaslighter or play on his vulnerabilities? Do you say or do things that you know will make him crazy?

Gee, the people I hear from are walking on eggshells trying not to set the guy off. Until, of course, it gets so bad that they have not choice but to explode.

What’s your view?

In the last chapter, Dr. Stern offers three courses of action for people in these situations: Changing the gaslighting relationship from within, limiting a gaslighting relationship, or leaving the relationship. Yes, these are the three choices, and the book offers suggestions on how to decide what to do.

When considering whether to stay in the relationship and change it from within, Dr. Stern reminds the reader to be compassionate, both for herself and the gaslighter. She writes:

You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.

Is this true? I am asking an honest question of Lovefraud readers here, and I would appreciate your feedback. Have any of you ever been subjected to gaslighting by someone who was basically a good person with problems? Can any of you attribute gaslighting behavior to the perpetrator’s stress or internal pain? Or, do you feel that gaslighting behavior is due to sociopathic traits?

Afraid to recommend

Overall, I have mixed feelings about this book, The Gaslight Effect. The author does a good job of explaining what the behavior looks like, and the questions victims should ask themselves to determine what is really going on. She offers strategies for coping with the behavior, including leaving the relationship.

But Dr. Stern seems to come from that school of therapy that believes both parties contribute equally to relationship problems. Throughout the entire book, I kept waiting for the author to warn the reader that some gaslighters have dangerous, pathological personality disorders, and they should run, not walk, for the nearest exit. The warning never came.

Therefore, I’m afraid to recommend the book, because it may encourage people to stay and try to work things out with an abuser. And the longer people stay in a gaslighting relationship, the more power they lose, and the harder it is to finally leave.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. tobehappy

    Well, I don’t BLAME myself. BUT….I take responsibility in MY part of the mess.

    “I” didn’t listen to my gut feelings from day one.
    “I” didn’t confront him about his lies.
    “I” didn’t end it when I realized he was selfish and lying.
    “I” didn’t “HEAL” from my last r/s before I jumped into this one…too fast.

    After I found out my xbf socio was lying and probably cheating…some of my friends/family…called me “stupid”.
    THEY warned me and saw what he was …I didn’t.
    I was brainwashed and trauma bonded already.

    I felt badly that they didn’t understand my pain..but they were right that I was being “stupid” for letting him abuse me.

    I’m not getting down on myself…because I know why I stayed with him…it was obviously filling a need at the time..
    but I will never do anything “stupid” like this again…..
    Because I’m not the same….

  3. Twice Betrayed

    P’s are ‘bewitching’ and many times handsome, always charming and VERY social-in the beginning [hooking phase]. The idea is to ‘get us invested’. Emotionally, physically, financially and in all ways possible. They love to hook us with children, knowing that we will bend over backwards to keep the family unit. I found it sadly ironic that my X said about my daughter and her husband: ” I just don’t know what to think when the mother/woman doesn’t behave herself.” I had to laugh out loud at that. He was stunned, because good behavior was/is something someone has has to do, not him!

  5. dancingnancies

    And your having stayed with him wasn’t a weakness either. It is a STRENGTH to be able to stay loyal in terms of adversity, to love when not loved back- it shows you have character and are a decent human being. LITTLE DID YOU KNOW AT THE TIME you weren’t trying to preserve a real RELATIONSHIP ( it would have been very different then ) you were allowing the psychopath to continue to take advantage of you! ( Not that it makes it your fault at ALL. You didn’t know! ) You however were not operating on a “dysfunctional” lead, you were being a good human being- HE was being dysfunctional by preying on your HEALTHY inclinations.

    See : The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes

    http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262/ref=sr_1_1?ie=utf8mb4&qid=1294107605&sr=8-1

    The Trauma bond is REAL. Stockholm Syndrome is REAL.

    A quote from the book

    Stress becomes traumatic when danger, risk, fear or anxiety is present. For Lois, she lost in a matter of minutes all that she thought she had. Further, the insidious fear was planted that the only way she could be successful was by using her body. Her talent for business didn’t matter. Plus, the unwanted advance of someone who had so much power over her well-being placed her in jeopardy. Yet Lois had defenses that helped her cope with the problem. She tended to normalize and minimize. Her body, however, knew.

    When in jeopardy, our body mobilizes its defenses. All our physical systems achieve high states of readiness. Adrenaline flows. The electrochemical reactions between synapses in the brain accelerate. It’s just like an automobile driven at the maximum possible speed. The sustained, flat-out performance pushes the car’s mechanical system past its limits. Pretty soon, things start to break down. Our bodies and minds will react the same way. When pushed past their limits, they begin to fall apart. Unlike a car, however, our bodies and minds can regenerate and recover. Some traumas that occur as a result of betrayal create damage that is residual. That is, we do not see it or understand it until later. Some traumas, especially over time, can alter how our systems operate.

    Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: how far our systems are stretched and for how long. Figure 1.1 helps us understand how these two factors interact. Some events happen only once or just a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs. The experience Lois had with the president of the company only lasted a few minutes, but the impact was significant and enduring. Rape, accident, assault and some types of child molestation fit this extreme form of trauma. So would being terminated without warning from a job after years of loyal service and excellent performance.

    Some trauma experiences are relatively minor, but they happen every day. The hurt accumulates. Many acts of child neglect, for example, in themselves are not that serious. Every parent has moments of not being able to cover all the bases. A consistent pattern of neglect, however, creates incredible anxiety in a child and leaves serious lifelong wounds. Other examples include living in a toxic marriage or working in a toxic corporation. Little acts of degradation, manipulation, secrecy and shame on a daily basis take their toll. Trauma by accumulation sneaks up on its victims.

    The compromises we make to trauma can deaden us over time. As one man described his recovery from a traumatizing marriage: “It was a full year after we split when I realized that my back felt different. It was relaxed and I could bend without effort. I had spent so many years braced for the next outburst, my back muscles were always tensed up. I never realized that while I was married.” It’s like walking into a room with a bad smell. The longer you stay in the room, the more the smell will seem to dissipate. Your olfactory system actually adjusts to the offensive odor. It’s only by leaving the room that you will recover your sensitivity to the odor. It’s the same with high stress, danger or anxiety; your body and mind will adjust-and pay for it. Only after being away from traumatic circumstances will your sensitivity return.

    The above bolded quote… its called HABITUATION

    ( Oh and the whole book excerpt is here : http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html in case you don’t understand what context he’s talking about when he mentions the Lois person, etc etc. But i think the essence of the point is clear in those words I quoted )

  6. tobehappy

    So what do you think about Dr. Phils statement that
    “We teach people how to treat us?”

    I just believe that unless we look at ourselves…do a little self analysis….and take responsibility for our choices……we cannot grow.

    Unless you admit you are an alcoholic..you can’t get better.

    So, I admit that I was WEAK, and SCARED to be alone…and Didn’t feel that I was worth more….

    This is why I attracted him, stayed with him…let him continue to manipulate me to “bond” with him….and then broke down when i found out the truth.

    This is also why I am so much stronger now. Because I took responsibility for MY part…MY issues….and worked on bettering myself so that I never go through this again.

    I had to validate that he WAS a socio first…which I why I read alot on here and books…and then I had to look within myself….to change so that I don’t make the same mistake again.

  8. dancingnancies

    Furthermore- notice what he said : “We teach people how to treat us” we’re presuming he means NORMAL people. NOT psychopaths, not people who have a personality disorder! Normal codes of conduct do NOT apply to psychopaths.

    Have you ever tried to reason with a psychopath? Notice it doesn’t work? You can’t “TEACH” a psychopath how to treat you, he will treat you like what he sees you : an object. No matter what. The only way to make any difference is NO CONTACT. Do you think he would have treated you any better had you established better “boundaries” within the FRAME of the involvement/relationshit? NO.

  9. skylar

    true words, Nancy.
    Try to teach Ted Bundy how to treat you, see how that works!

    …although, …hmmm….I did give the green river murderer a piece of my mind when I was 15 and he picked me up hitchhiking. He asked, “how much?” I said, “see this thumb? it means I need a RIDE, that’s ALL it means!” and I gave him a condenscending look. He apologized profusely. So I guess boundaries ARE important, but…I do remember getting the feeling that he wanted to cut off my thumb, it’s just a thought that entered my head as I was yelling at him, but by then I had to finish what I was saying.

    No, I didn’t know who he was until years later when he was caught.

  10. dancingnancies

    Wow skylar, didn’t know that. I remember seeing a movie about him on Lifetime… how creepy! How lucky you are for getting out of that one by the skin of your teeth.

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