It’s amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others.
Well, I read the book, but I’m not sure I can recommend it.
Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, I’m not.
First of all, let’s define “gaslighting.” According to Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
Gaslighting is nasty behavior. The problem I have with this book is that Dr. Stern never, ever mentions, not once, that a person who is gaslighting someone else may be malicious, controlling, and intent on destroying the soul of the victim. She does not mention that the gaslighter may be mentally and emotionally abusing someone else, simply for his or her amusement. She does not say that the gaslighter may be evil.
Here’s how Dr. Stern defines the gaslighting relationship:
The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.
This definition makes it seem like the two parties—gaslighter and gaslightee—are equally responsible for the dynamics. I don’t think that’s true. Then, a few pages later, Dr. Stern writes:
Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.
Excuse me while I barf. Sociopaths who engage in gaslighting do not feel weak and powerless. They are motivated by dominance and feel totally entitled to do what they want and take what they want, even if it is someone else’s sanity.
Three types of gaslighters
Next, Dr. Stern describes three types of gaslighters—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator. She spends the most time describing the Glamour Gaslighter:
He lets you know you’re the most wonderful woman in the world, the only one who’s ever understood him, the fairy-tale princess who has magically transformed his life. He’ll transform your life, too, he implies or even promises, he’ll shower you with affection, take you to wonderful places, sweep you off your feet with gifts or intimate confessions or sexual attention of a kind you’ve never known before.
This is a perfect description of a sociopath in full seduction mode. But Dr. Stern doesn’t seem to get it. Instead, she explains that this man is in love with the idea of a relationship. He likes to be a leading man, and is looking for a leading lady to fill her part.
Dr. Stern describes the Good-Guy Gaslighter as someone who needs to appear reasonable and good, but is deeply committed to getting his own way. She spends the least amount of time describing the Intimidator, perhaps because the problems are so obvious—put-downs, yelling, bullying, guilt trips and other types of punishment. In order for a relationship with an Intimidator to be more satisfying, she says, the Intimidator will need to alter his way of relating. Yeah, right.
Stress response
Much of this book describes sample cases of gaslightees trying to understand and cope with gaslighters. I’m sure this helps people realize and identify what is going on in these relationships.
The book, however, falls down when Dr. Stern explains why this behavior happens. She writes, “Gaslighting is a response to stress; people become either gaslighters or gaslightees when they feel threatened.”
Sociopaths don’t engage in gaslighting because they’re stressed. They engage in it because it’s who they are and what they do. And victims don’t become gaslightees because of stress. They are trapped because of a psychopathic bond created by the predator.
Then, Dr. Stern asks the reader to be honest:
Think about the ways in which you aren’t being your best self. Do you set off your gaslighter by being overly critical or demanding? Do you belittle your gaslighter or play on his vulnerabilities? Do you say or do things that you know will make him crazy?
Gee, the people I hear from are walking on eggshells trying not to set the guy off. Until, of course, it gets so bad that they have not choice but to explode.
What’s your view?
In the last chapter, Dr. Stern offers three courses of action for people in these situations: Changing the gaslighting relationship from within, limiting a gaslighting relationship, or leaving the relationship. Yes, these are the three choices, and the book offers suggestions on how to decide what to do.
When considering whether to stay in the relationship and change it from within, Dr. Stern reminds the reader to be compassionate, both for herself and the gaslighter. She writes:
You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.
Is this true? I am asking an honest question of Lovefraud readers here, and I would appreciate your feedback. Have any of you ever been subjected to gaslighting by someone who was basically a good person with problems? Can any of you attribute gaslighting behavior to the perpetrator’s stress or internal pain? Or, do you feel that gaslighting behavior is due to sociopathic traits?
Afraid to recommend
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this book, The Gaslight Effect. The author does a good job of explaining what the behavior looks like, and the questions victims should ask themselves to determine what is really going on. She offers strategies for coping with the behavior, including leaving the relationship.
But Dr. Stern seems to come from that school of therapy that believes both parties contribute equally to relationship problems. Throughout the entire book, I kept waiting for the author to warn the reader that some gaslighters have dangerous, pathological personality disorders, and they should run, not walk, for the nearest exit. The warning never came.
Therefore, I’m afraid to recommend the book, because it may encourage people to stay and try to work things out with an abuser. And the longer people stay in a gaslighting relationship, the more power they lose, and the harder it is to finally leave.
TwiceBetrayed- Yep, no real relationships. I liked this quote that Invicta ( of http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com ) used…
” Grieving a N ( S/N/P) is a burden, it’s a hole in one’s life. ”
a HOLE in your life. Imagine that. I think that quote fits the involvement most aptly.
tobehappy- I understand your reasoning for your experience and I respect that you have your own opinion on the matter. However I still don’t believe victims are any bit at fault for their involvement and I never will. I still believe, from the research and literature and my own experience that ANYONE ( even those WITHOUT any psychological problems or weaknesses )… in ANY phase of their lives can be prime target for Psychopaths. Oxy herself experienced a possible P in the past 2 years ( a woman ) but not to the extent that she did the others. She is a strong capable woman and she was still vulnerable to the pity ploy of another P ( though she was wise enough not to let this woman take complete advantage as she had done her share of reading and work) I think to consider oneself invulnerable is dangerous..
If you read Without Conscience by Dr. Robert D. Hare, even prison guards.. reporters.. get charmed by Psychopaths and taken in… his own colleagues have.. I don’t think they’re weak or vulnerable at all.. these are educated people. There are plenty of examples to go by just in that book alone. What traits would ordinarily be strengths in the eyes of non-psychopaths are TOOLS in the psychopaths hands. That does not mean they are rendered weaknesses at all- it’s the distorted and perverse nature of the sociopath that allow them to be used that way.
GIVEN i do believe we can DO A LOT to avoid encountering or facing a prolonged involvement with another one- if we read enough and educate ourselves, exercise caution, be mindful and also understand the nature of manipulative tactics.
dancingnancies: I like that quote! Thanks!
Yep, in fact in Hare’s book, I believe the ‘con’ on one of the female colleagues was when they were actually administering the exam for psychopathy[ created by Dr. Hare]. Now, here we have an actual clinician giving the actual test and being snared. Dr. Hare, having WRITTEN the test was victim to one! So, gah, I’ve whacked myself over the head for the last time over this. Clever doesn’t begin to describe these P’s. They use the basic emotions of humans that make us human for profit. I mean, even animals live above this.
There are some excellent posts on here about the subject of gaslighting and blaming the victim.
When I mentioned that an old boy friend had said that I was not the same and the light had gone out, I think I may have set off some sadness which I didn’t mean to do. I do not by any means think our situations are hopeless. He was more than an old boyfriend. He was someone who had known me since I was about 13 years old. He knew me when I was still innocent and untouched by all of this.
I married my first husband when I was 20. When my daughter was diagnosed with Autism, I was blamed a little for that. Yes, I lived at the time where they were not quite blaming the mother, but still did a little. At that time in the early 70’s Autism was considered very rare.
My first husband was a closet homosexual, but also an abuser in the sense that he would tip over furniture. When it was finally revealed that he was gay, my mother asked me with distain how I could not know. I really didn’t know. He could function better sexually than other men I found in later years including second husband. When he moved out of state my daughter, who he conveniently forgot was his daughter was 12 years old. He has not seen her since. After she turned 18 he quit sending birthday cards or gifts. Who does that? How can a man forget his own child?
The circumstances under which I met and married my second husband remind me a whole lot of how I met and practically set up housekeeping with recent spath. Both of them became familiar too soon. My husband was good with my daughter. He got us out of the house. Was I ever in love with him? I don’t think so. When ex BF started spending weekends with me, I told myself that I needed the company and that I was tired of dating. Actually I think I missed out on a lot of fun dating. I tend to hang on longer than I ever should even when I know it isn’t going well. I want to fix it or I am afraid of rejection. They leave me.
Well now I am just plain tired as I have never been just by myself. I am enjoying that. I am enjoying getting to know myself. I would like to just go to dinner or a movie and just have fun one day but I don’t need to be in a relationship.
My mother is quite narcissistic. I didn’t realize that until very recently. The fact is I was not abused overtly, but was abused just the same. She set me up for rejection by putting it into my head that I would never amount to anything, or no man would stay with me because I was a bad housekeeper. The first memory I have was when she weaned me of the bottle. Apparently I had accidentally thrown a glass bottle out of the crib. Instead of telling me “You are a big girl now, you can drink out of a cup”, whenever I wanted a bottle she would say “You broke your bottle.” She thought that was very clever.
I can give you many examples of gasllighting especially with my second husband, but in reality everytime someone tells a lie or claims to not remember events that I know did happen I would just shrug it off or waste a whole lot of time arguing and explaining myself. I tend to think that things are my fault. Not any more though. I am telling the truth the way I see it. It is very eye opening to realize that not everything my mother told me was true. It is like coming out of a cult.
My problem has not been that I don’t necessarily don’t know how to pick them, but I settle for crumbs. Someone else said that earlier. I settle. They know that. Even though both of my husbands seemed like opposite personalities I now look at them as just two sides of the same coin. I mentioned my problem with rejection. Passive aggressive people don’t reject you outright. They give the illusion that there is a relationship there somewhere, but it is hid behind smoke and mirrors. He actually wanted me to leave, but finally left when I wouldn’t.
I guess I ask myself what is wrong with me that these men leave me, or hang up on me or call me names. I need to learn that it is not me but them. My mother set the example with her constant criticism. My dad was my protector but he died. What I also wanted was a guy who was going to protect me, fight for me, slay a dragon for me. Guess what latest spath’s user name on singles site was…..White Knight.
Well by golly I will slay my own dragons from now on. In the meantime after working on myself and setting higher standards, maybe God will bring someone in my life, but I am not going to be looking any time soon. My first two standards are going to zero tolerance for lying. It is a deal breaker……and no one calls me bitch or other names. I mean no one ever gets to call me that again. It would hurt too much to tell you the things that my ex husband called me at the very end of our marriage. Why should I believe what he says though. After all, he is a lyer.
TTS
I actually apologize for the long rambling post. What I really wanted to say was that old boyfriend who had noticed the stress actually validated me as I was still living the nightmare at the time.
What happened with husband’s so called passive aggressive behavior as that he would throw the verbal darts and I would react. That is what he wanted. He looked like the quiet one, and I looked like the crazy lady. I will say one thing though. After husband left, my blood pressure returned to normal as I had been off the chart angry.
What is happening now, I believe, is that I am processing the emotions a layer at a time. The relationship I had with recent spath is probably bringing out the memories of those with my H.
Don’t apologize! We all learn from each other.
I have to go to sleep now, getting up early,
sorry I can’t stick around longer and talk.
TB,
you said,
“I mean, even animals live above this.”
OH YES! ANIMALS ARE NOT ANYTHING LIKE A P.
During my 7 years of hell with Spath, my mother would always say to me, “You are never here”. “You are a million miles away”. “Where did the happy go lucky “J” go?” “Where’s your laughter and sense of humor”?
The Spath had placed a “mask” on me over the years. I was lost in all the gaslighting. My mind was always racing with nowhere to go.
I have been 3 months NC, although he has texted me trying to “hook” me back with “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, hope you have a great day”. “I saw you today ya know”. His birthday was Dec 23rd and I did not return the gesture. I NEVER ANSWER HIM. I will NOT let him have control over me ever again. I read that even by texting him to tell him to leave me alone is still contact in his eyes and he (in his mind) has control again. Not gonna happen.
I have met a wonderful man who treats me with respect and honest/sincere love. He “gets” it with regards to lovemaking. It IS a connection. He doesn’t roll over and go to sleep or head out the door for a smoke. We cuddle, laugh, talk, caress….. He has been a God-send and an answer to my prayers. My new man has kept me strong. We talk often about what turmoil I have been through over the last 7 years and he is VERY understanding. He was my saving grace that opened my eyes to the word “psychopath”.
I was just wondering if any of you had experienced things said by Spaths like “I place you on a pedastal.” “You are my guardian angel”. “I wish I could be like you. You have your poops in a group”. “You are the love of my life”. blah, blah, blah.
Would you call that the “building up just to tear you down” comments? One minute I felt like I was the most important being in his life and the next, that I was nothing but an object. I think that is what the gaslighting did to me. It took me a long time to accept a compliment from my new man and BELIEVE it.
I can now look back over the the last 7 years and see the “crap” that was being fed to me. The LIES. The MANIPULATION. So many red flags that I ignored. Loving someone shouldn’t make you sick to your stomach. And I would tell myself it was just butterflies because I loved and adored him so.
BOTTOM LINE: His loving words NEVER matched his despicable actions!
The author of this book reminds me of a “therapist” that my husband and I went to for “marriage counseling” after one of his affairs. (Very, very bad idea going to a marriage counselor.) This therapist was almost immediately “charmed” by my sociopath husband and spent the entire time, 4 months before I put an end to this, trying to find reasons why I made him do it, telling me that there is no such thing as a lie – that’s it merely two people mis-perceiving the same even and a lot of other nonsense. In the end it became clear to me that she was inadvertently trying to teach me to accept blame and tolerate abuse. Yes, I said inadvertently because I don’t think this therapist realized that she was under the spell of a sociopath – she just felt sorry for a poor, helpless, Bi-Polar charming man who I must have done something to make him cheat and not want to tell me the truth. Ummm… excuse me? He lies because he lies and he was doing that long before I met him… she ignored that “detail” and said she wasn’t interested in things before we were married. She said I must make it hard for him to tell the truth. I’ve always been the easiest person in the world to tell the truth to… I always told my kids that it was better to tell me a bad truth than a good lie and I meant it and anyone who knew me knew I meant it. I can accept bad truths much easier than lies. She told me that I was being unreasonable expecting him to make a commitment to the marriage counseling, said that it should be enough that he was even there. She said I needed to understand that he didn’t have a crystal ball and couldn’t predict if he’d cheat again. I told her that in my view marriage was a commitment and in response she told me I needed to appeal to my higher power, whoever that may be… implying that I was an unreasonable heathen. I waited a week and on return to a session I told her I had taken the time to appeal to my “higher power” and his name is God. I told her that God didn’t want people standing before him and his witnesses saying they didn’t have a crystal ball and therefore could not make a commitment but was willing to give this marriage thing a try but what the heck, if the couple didn’t like it they would be free to see other people because, after all, they didn’t make a commitment. She said maybe I had a small point. I could go on and on about the horrors of marriage counseling and the intense damage it can do if the therapist does not recognize that they have been charmed by a sociopath. I’ve seen my sociopath charm every therapist he’s ever seen. His ex-wife warned me about this “skill” of his and I thought, no way could someone charm a therapist (male or female) but I was definitely wrong about that. Anyway, this therapist spent 4 months trying to teach me to tolerate abuse.
I see that in the paragraph that reads: “You don’t have to put up with unlimited bad treatment, but if your gaslighter persists in gaslighting you, you can remind yourself that he is also suffering, perhaps even more than you are. After all, he almost certainly grew up in a home where he was gaslighted by someone and couldn’t make it stop—so now he doesn’t understand why you have the power to say no.”
And, I see that in the paragraph that talks about examining whether or not you are doing or saying things that trigger the gaslighter to abuse you.
And, I see that in the statement that says that Sociopaths do the things they do because of stress.
This book clearly is designed to teach the victim to tolerate abuse. It starts out with the 50/50 approach and ends up hinting at blaming the victim. It’s a bad book.
Just read through the comments and find the blame-the-victim part very interesting because my family loves to quote Dr Phil and ask what was wrong with me for staying with my ex for so long. They also quote some famous person saying “Hit once, it’s hit fault. Hit again, it’s your fault.” And Dr Phil also says, “There are no victims, only volunteers.”
Maybe he is referring to being victims of abusers in general. There are abusers who are not sociopaths. These sometimes do change. I had a female friend who was divorced because she was abusive. She went through a lot of therapy to uncover her issues from childhood and her first marriage to an abuser. She found that she was imitating her first husband and being abusive to her second, who would not tolerate it. After five years, they somehow got in touch again and they are remarried. She was abusive, but she was not a sociopath. Her second husband refused to be a volunteer, and taught her how to treat him. They are doing fine now. I have a great time talking to her about these issues. I don’t think sociopaths can do that.
With sociopaths, you can’t teach them because the attacks are veiled. They don’t punch you every night. You would have to examine your willingness to be punched every night if that were the case. Instead, they mess up your mind in a way that is hard to describe. And you really start to believe them without even realizing it. I would read through the symptoms of abused women that included things like, “believing his putdowns, that you are stupid, fat, a whore, etc.” and I thought, of course not, I wouldn’t believe that. But he never called me that. Instead he made me feel obliged to serve him and fearful of what he would do if I left.
Was there something wrong in me? Yes, I did like to please people and I would only be attracted to over-the-top types to complement me. But then again, I wasn’t looking to even date and was very comfortable being a strong single person until he came along. He always said he liked that about me, that I was strong and had a good mind. People were surprised that I had a bf when we hooked up because I wasn’t a desperate vulnerable young woman. But my family is trying to say that I was co-dependent. To be honest, maybe in some ways I was, because I did feel responsible for him, but now after reading all your posts, I think it is because he groomed me and brainwashed me into being his possession/servant. I never felt that way about anyone else.
Maybe some people read about co-dependencies and recognize themselves there, so they think was the problem. But I think what some of you are saying is that EVEN if you weren’t co-dependent, you would have been targeted and you would’ve suffered damage. And anyone could have been a victim.
My sister said she saw through him from the beginning. She calls him evil. How come she saw it then, when nobody I spoke to who knew him even warned me about the possibility of domestic abuse, and some people still believe him now? Even I sometimes believe he is not so bad when he sounds so sincere as he tells me he is always concerned for me and the kids and will always respect us. Yet his actions don’t match, which leads me to believe that he is more clueless than P. I don’t know anymore!!