By Ox Drover
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense was written by Suzette Haden Elgin, an applied psycholinguist and an associate professor of linguistics at San Diego State University. Though first published in 1980, I think it is a nice, easily read and understood book detailing the “hidden” motives in some conversations with just about anyone, whether they are a psychopath or not. It teaches us easily understood ways of deciphering the unspoken messages in language and easy to remember “come backs” that are appropriate for just about any situation where there are “hidden messages” in conversation.
Ms. Elgin wrote:
For every person in this society who is suffering physical abuse, there are hundreds suffering the effects of verbal violence. For every person who just got a fist in the face, there are hundreds who just took a verbal blow to the gut. And there are major differences between these two kinds of injury.
The physical attack is at least obvious and unmistakable; when someone slugs you physically, you can call the police. The physical attack hurts horribly and leaves a mark, but is usually over fast, and the mark is evidence in your favor and against your attacker.
Verbal violence is a very different matter. Except in rare case—for example, when someone lies about you publicly before witnesses and can be charged with slander—there is no agency that you can call for help. The pain of verbal abuse goes deep into the self and festers there, but because nothing shows on the surface, it will not win you even sympathy, much less actual assistance.
Worst of all, verbal violence all too often goes unrecognized, except at a level that you cannot even understand yourself. You know you are suffering, and you vaguely know where the pain is coming from; but because the aggression is so well hidden, you are likely to blame yourself instead of the aggressor ”¦ “there must be something the matter with me.”
There probably is something the matter with you, yes. Your problem is that you are the victim of verbal violence and you don’t have the least idea how to defend yourself against it.
Ms. Elgin goes on to list four principles for verbal self defense:
- Know that you are under attack.
- Know what kind of attack you are facing.
- Know how to make your defense fit the attack.
- Know how to follow through.
She also describes the five different types of verbal stances, based on the work of therapist Virginia Satir, which were expanded by therapists John Grinder and Richard Bandler as:
- The Placater
- The Blamer
- The Computer
- The Distracter
- The Leveler
Ms. Elgin explains very clearly the underlying meanings of our language, both spoken and unspoken, by describing the “presuppositions” in our words.
She gives the example of the statement “Even Bill could get an A in that class.” She explains that the unsaid presupposition of that statement, though totally unsaid, is that “Bill is no great shakes as a student and the class is not difficult in any way.”
Her insights into the hidden verbal abuse that is frequently hurled in our direction by others, whether psychopathic or not, is very enabling.
The author also published book called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work, though I have not read a copy of that, I noticed it on www.Amazon.com.
Woohoo! Looks like I might be first to respond for once 🙂
Excellent post Donna – I was just reading the other night about how these guys use NLP tactics to subdue and subjugate their partners … certainly there are plenty of free articles online about seduction techniques and how to induce trance states. What is amazing is that these guys seem to know intuitively how to use these tactics.
Wow.
I really need this book. I just had to talk to the P last night and it was horrible. I can’t believe how abusive he is. Or I guess I can’t believe I put up with it for so long. I had come so far and now I feel like I’m at square one. I’ve been trying to catch up on everything here at lf and reading all the current stories it’s like starting all over and reading how other people have experienced the same things for the first time.
I don’t think I can do this with him any longer…it’s just too much. He is trying to make me pay back a loan that he took out. He used some of it to pay two of my bills because he owed me the money from before.
I started a business before we were married and he wanted it because he was not making that much money, had not ever made that much money and probably would not ever make that much. We signed a contract, giving him the business and giving me half of the profits. I loose insurance ect. but I also would get to stay home and raise my son. (big mistake, he is not good at business and I had to keep everything running from behind the scenes anyway) Well, we ended up married, having a child together, and now separated. He doesn’t want to share the extra profits with me because he can’t pay all the debt he has run up in his personal life. He also doesn’t pay support on our child…he thinks that’s my job on my half. He now wants me to pay back that loan and give up part of my profits and forgo support as well as no insurance, and blah blah blah….I absolutely can not bear to deal with his gaslighting, ambient abuse, projecting and mirroring and cheating us out of our money. It was his idea and now he says he shouldn’t have to follow the agreement because ‘I pushed it off on him’ What a liar! It’s a legal contract so screw him (I just don’t want to go to court and fight him the rest of my life and listen to his lies.)
One great thing is that he has passed on visitation the last two times and that is a huge relief, I don’t have to worry about my son this way. That’s a bigger horror story that stands alone, without this other mess.
I wish I’d never got involved with him except a one night stand (not even got his name or anything), had my son, and we would be provided for with MY business…..I AM SO STUPID…I knew better….
I don’t know how I did in responding to him…I was so upset by the lies he was saying, telling me that we had never agreed to ______ and I told you ______ and ….oh while telling me how he was giving my back my half of the deductions for the loan he tells me he isn’t because it’s my loan and that half the portfolio is not mine because I took my half with the loan. Does anyone understand why that is all wrong? He borrowed the money from the portfolio (we each put the same amount in each week for retirement), used some to pay me money he owed me, and now I’m paying it back into the portfolio but I don’t get half for retirement because the loan was my half????? And while explaining why I am the one paying it back he is saying that he is the one paying it back! What The F—!!!! Somebody please tell me they understand what I’m saying!!!
(I think if he would forgo his parental rights, I would forgo support and settle for a flat weekly rate of 40% of what our minimum profit was. He could take the 60% and all of the extra profit he makes over that minimum. Plus he has a full benefit package, which I loose just in the divorce, so he’d be doing great)
I’ve had a lot of slams over making this deal in the first place as well as how unfair it is to him but it wasn’t unfair to him, he got a lot and I gave up a lot (for him and oh well) Please don’t beat me up too bad for making the deal or for ‘doing him so wrong’
I just don’t know what to do…I’ve been out of college (unfinished) and unemployed for 11 years, there are no jobs around here that I qualify for (except, here is a good laugh, the ones I’m ‘over qualified for’) Can they really use that crap as a reason not to employ someone who has been at home for 11 years?
Wow, let me bend over and someone stick it right here!!!!!!!!!uuuuuuugggghhh
Anyway, thank you OXY for this article, I am going for that book. Maybe I’ll learn something and remember what I’ve learned. Thank you all, a lot of the recent posts have really hit home for me as well as other book recommendations.
And POLLY, I agree they sure do seem to use their tactics intuitively. It’s definitely their first nature. 🙁 I had to do a lot of research to learn you could even do some of this stuff to people and yet it’s just in them to know how to do it.
I feel like my head is spinning and I just jumped around like a nut who doesn’t know up from down or left from right. I didn’t mean to be vulgar. Well maybe a little just to vent.
http://www.adrr.com/aa/overview.html
Here the link to the resume of the book. Very helpful indeed! Thank you Oxy!
Dear Heaven bound,
You are so right, trying to talk to them lputs you back to square one.
My suggestion is that you HIRE AN ATTORNEY and let lHIM/HER do the negotiating for you. My reasons are this.
1) WITHOUT YOU, your husband will run the business into the ground and you will get X% of NOTHING!
2) you ought to know by now, that you can’t get the truth out of the X/
3) look at your LONG TERM GOAL, which my guess is to get him mcompletely out of your life and your child’s life.
4) look at what is probably HIS GOAL, I bet it is 100% of the business (which he will then bankrupt with his spending)
SOOOOOO, my suggestion, for what it is worth is that from now on you use the business (which he will ruin anyway) as a lever and get him to legally FOREGO ANY CONTACT WITH YOU OR YOUR SON—but get a lawyer to do the dealing, don’t try to do it yourself. I think you will win this one, and it means you must mostly start over financially, but gosh, I bet there are 100 women reading on this blog that would jump at the chance to get the P out of their lives if it ONLY meant giving them money!
In the long run, if you try to hang on to the “profits” you will lose out anyway as he will spend himself and the business into total bankruptcy and while HE still thinks he is getting a “good deal:” by giving up his rights with your son, you can put the CON on HIM! But DO get you a lawyer! (((Hugs)))) Oxy
Oh Oxy,
You are so right. The part about getting a % of anything is a pipe dream, I would definitely give it all to ensure the safety of my son, that’s a fact.
Thank you I needed to hear what someone else thought about it. I will try to find an attorney that will take this as a whole and do some leveraging, that can work it out legally. I figure he is after 100% of the business and I’ve been through enough and so have both of my boys. I don’t want to do this with him anymore.
I got so upset dealing with him last night but I’ve been waiting for the sign that he was ready to let us go and this is it isn’t it?
Thank you Oxy.
This IS a great book! I used it when I taught women’s self-defense. A word of caution though… NO ONE is immune from sociopaths. I am considered and expert in physical, verbal and psychological self-defense for women. It was my career before being sucked in by a sociopath. Please know that self-defense tools are useful, but they are not the be all end all.
Dear LK,
Your warning is definitely right on! I was reading some interesting articles on “whistle blowers” and how they are targeted because they have the moral courage to stand up and point out what a psychopath is doing, and many times, people are coerced into keeping their mouths shut about wrong doing in order to keep their jobs, their businesses, or their lives.
Psychopaths are GREAT at the SMEAR CAMPAIGN against people who try to defend themselves or others from the Psychopaths. It is SOPP–standard operating procedure of psychopaths.
I think most of us here who have had relationships with Ps have experienced those “beatings” in emotional ways and/or physical ways and probably finiancial as well. They will use ANY weapon, including their own children, no route is too LOW for them to take.
Glad you are here LK, stick around and share some of your self defense tactics with us. Welcome!!!!
No sorry, I think the P’s must have read this book because their verbal base line strength is in LYING very convincingly even this expert in communication would be caught out…
I will have to say it is dangerous to think you can get the upper hand here with a psychopath. They can mimmick till the cows come home…I have seen it, experienced it.
thanks for this post, it is crucial for us to take in, but I guarantee we will not be able to sense a psychopath until we are damaged…then we are confronted with a live or die situation, and many die…in the sense they are destroyed by these individuals….
be aware but being human means these predators have the upperhand..they do not care and they can act flawlessly….I really hope we learn to see through it, and this post could be the start point, so thanks for that. I’m just so happy to be free from the oppression of a LIE but a lie is a lie and it is impossible to detect with a smooth P. please do not underestimate the power of a P through LYING……LIES,LIES,LIES!!!!!!!
Dear Staying sane,
Oh, my dear, believe me I do NOT underestimate the Ps, believe me I KNOW HOW CONVINCING THEY ARE….and yes, they DO LIE like a RUG!
However, sometimes you can watch their ACTIONS vs what the SAY and pick up on the dishonesty–sometimes—and frankly I picked out one this summer that was presenting herself as a VICTIM of a psychopath and believe me this woman was GOOD–but tiny little things started to crop up, and before long I started to get the “spidey tingle” in my gut that said, this woman is ANGRY at me, but she is hiding it very well, but not 100% obviously. I got away from her fast as a speeding bullet! I discussed this with a psychiatrist who also knew her and the Doctor agreed with me, but because I LISTENED TO MY SPIDEY TINGLE IN MY GUT, I was saved from any damage from this woman who was setting me up for “the kill” (not literally, but probably financiially) So by listening to ourselves we can ESCAPE.
One thing I think this book is great for though are just run of the mill dysfunctional people who are NOT psychopaths, and it helps with dealing with them, and there are plenty of those people around as well as psychopaths.
It just behooves us to be CAUTIOUS in dealing with people.
Verbal self-defense, verbal judo and even NLP are not insurance policies, but they are ways to keep sane while dealing with manipulative people. And keep grounded in what we want out of the situation.
But if we’re dealing with a “long con” situation — that is a predator who has every reason to hide his true objectives and to present himself as exactly what we’re looking for — being able to deal with verbal abuse isn’t the problem. The problem is to recognize whether the “offer” really makes sense, or whether this is too good to be true. Or to get more specific, whether this person has really earned our trust enough for us to put up our “stake” in the deal.
People coming out of sociopathic encounters often talk about their grief at not being able to trust anymore. But after healing for a while, they often come to the conclusion that they were trusting too soon. Partly this is because they wanted to be positive, trusting people. But the other part is that they were dealing with someone who was an expert at making himself look trustworthy. I’m a certified NLP practitioner, and part of that discipline is learning how to speak another person’s language. (The objective is not predatory, but to expedite communications for project-management or therapeutic reasons.) But a predator doesn’t have to study NLP to know that learning what’s important to another person, and claiming to be exactly the same kind of person, will lower defenses. Add some flattery and some well-chosen gifts or bits of help, and you have a recipe for getting trust cheap.
And in all of this verbal self defense doesn’t help a bit. What does help is getting smarter about trust. Or, if it’s easier to understand, about contracts. If someone wants something, what are they giving for it? People who get into trouble with sociopaths tend to give first, in expectation of getting paid later. “Let’s move in together in your place. I don’t have any money, but I’ll help with the housework and be a totally faithful lover.” And what happens, after he moves in, if he’s not any of those things?
What seems like an inability to trust at first usually turns out to be a lesson in not giving ourselves away cheap. Not emotionally, not financially, not in the bits and pieces of our identity and our freedom.
I’m not a big fan of “rules” books, but there are several books about relationship development like “He’s Not That Into You” and even “The Rules” that are really about this. If someone has something to offer and really cares about you, that person will understand that your trust needs to be earned and take the time to do it.
Again, understanding this doesn’t protect us from a long con with a really self-disciplined predator, but it does keep us from doing the kind of stupid thing that just make us want to bang our heads against the wall later. (I speak from personal experience). If they’re coming on too fast, trying too hard, trying to talk you out of caring about things like them paying their own way, blaming everyone else in the world for their problems, wanting you to fix them in any way, they don’t deserve your trust or your investments.
All that said, to deal with the immediate hassles of verbal abuse or manipulative communications, verbal self-defense is wonderful. But it really is easier to learn once we’ve gotten over indirect communications of our own. It goes hand-in-hand with assertiveness training, where we learn to say what we want without apologies. (Assertive does not mean hard; it can be done in the nicest possible way.)
Then, when we’re dealing with people who are indirect, or communications that are loaded with all kinds of emotional hooks or blaming, it becomes a lot easier to analyze them in terms of “what does he really want?” If you know that, it’s easier to come up with an appropriate response. And if you don’t know that, and can’t get him to say it in a way you can really understand, it’s probably a good idea to leave the room.