BOOK REVIEW: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self–Defense

I think that we are helped immensely by getting clear about what we want. Oxy’s excellent review and recommendation is about the tactics of our lives. How do we deal with the little annoyances and obstacles on the path. But if we don’t know where our path is going or where we are on it, then we’re always going to be attracted and susceptible to people who appear to have a more solid center or more certainty of their own path.

In one sense, this is a good thing. These are the teachers of our lives. We gravitate toward them for guidance or to learn how they do it or simply to breathe the air around someone who seems more gifted or illuminated. It is totally natural, part of the growing-up process managed by our souls, that we recognize these people who have something that is not quite developed yet in us.

But teachers come in many varieties. And some of them are shallow and vicious. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t our teachers, but it may mean that the lessons will be hard and painful. And from NSPs, we learn what they are quite good at, self-interest. They teach us how weak and easily disposed-of our conscious self-interest is. And how a person who is not terribly clever — because in retrospect we see how limited they are by their inability to bond or feel empathy — can simply turn us to self-destructive and costly behavior.

Healing from these relationships gives us an opportunity to really define what we want, and what we probably have always wanted. Mutually respectful relationships. The ability to share warmth with people we trust. Emotional freedom from guilt and shame. Circumstances that enable us to pursue our interests. The right to choose what seems right and meaningful to us. Peace with ourselves. These desires may be defined in more concrete terms, but those concrete terms will probably evolve through our lives as we achieve the next task on our path, while the underlying principles are constant.

Knowing what we want steadies us. Another thing we learn from the NSPs is how they view the entire world through the lens of whether it does or doesn’t give them what they want. Their desires tend to be totally selfish and alienated from society or intimate relations. As feeling people, ours are more complex. Our lens enables us to see more, not just how things affect us but also other people. But we must know what we want for ourselves first. Otherwise, we are like dandelion fluffs, floating around in the breeze, not steady in our internal knowledge of what is right for us and more affected by what other people want.

People who challenge us in ways that require verbal self-defense are being either consciously or unconsciously manipulative. The are trying to influence us through our intellect or feelings to get something they want. But they’re being seductive, not direct. Seductive in the sense that they’re trying to lure us into agreement. This is exactly what sociopath’s do, when they nibble away at our self-esteem or beliefs that we though were well established. But it is also what seemingly more benign people do when they draw us into blaming, self-pity and criticism. Those kaffeeklatch conversations with people with personal problems and grievous complaints don’t leave us unscathed, if they divert us from our vision of pursuing the good in our own lives. (And yes, we make these sacrifices for various reasons, including the fact that we want the people we love to be happy and well, but it does cost us.)

Verbal judo is not just about avoiding the hooks in other people’s manipulative conversation or even about understanding what they want and figuring out whether we want to deal with it. It’s about seeing, really clearly, what they are offering us, and how to use it. (Ah, shades of that sociopathic learning again.) People who choose to interact with us have picked us out for a reason. We have something that interests them, and they are beginning a negotiation.

The secretary who says, “He’s just a pill today,” about her boss is looking for something and offering something. Likewise, the workmate who says, “Can you believe those jerks want to send me to diversity training?” Likewise the spouse or lover who says, “Purple? Why purple?” Likewise the child who asks, “Wouldn’t you like a cookie now, Mommy?”

A well-lived life is one that involves a lot of evaluation of these opportunities. Do we want to ally with the secretary? Do we want to discover what might come out of agreeing with the coworker’s anti-immigrant feelings? Is there some benefit in compromising about purple? Do we want to open the cookie jar? There are no easy answers to any of this. Life is one learning opportunity after another. But we do have choices. We don’t have to walk through every door that opens.

And that is really the heart of verbal self-defense, a choice to engage or not. There are many styles of non-engagement. We don’t have to be confrontation or unkind. Other people are working through their own learning paths, and sometime our refusal to engage, however gentle or abrupt, may be a valuable piece of feedback for them. We can’t know. We can only pursue our own path. But the more true we are to ourselves, the more honest and authentic our communications (even when tailored to another person’s language as we do in NLP), the more likely we are to be understood and respected as the kind of person other people are attracted to. Because we have a center and a vision of our own.

Ironically, that is what predators are attracted to, that light in us that is something they don’t have. Ironically, they often see our strength better than we see it ourselves. Fortunately, however painful the lesson, they are good teachers.