By Ox Drover
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense was written by Suzette Haden Elgin, an applied psycholinguist and an associate professor of linguistics at San Diego State University. Though first published in 1980, I think it is a nice, easily read and understood book detailing the “hidden” motives in some conversations with just about anyone, whether they are a psychopath or not. It teaches us easily understood ways of deciphering the unspoken messages in language and easy to remember “come backs” that are appropriate for just about any situation where there are “hidden messages” in conversation.
Ms. Elgin wrote:
For every person in this society who is suffering physical abuse, there are hundreds suffering the effects of verbal violence. For every person who just got a fist in the face, there are hundreds who just took a verbal blow to the gut. And there are major differences between these two kinds of injury.
The physical attack is at least obvious and unmistakable; when someone slugs you physically, you can call the police. The physical attack hurts horribly and leaves a mark, but is usually over fast, and the mark is evidence in your favor and against your attacker.
Verbal violence is a very different matter. Except in rare case—for example, when someone lies about you publicly before witnesses and can be charged with slander—there is no agency that you can call for help. The pain of verbal abuse goes deep into the self and festers there, but because nothing shows on the surface, it will not win you even sympathy, much less actual assistance.
Worst of all, verbal violence all too often goes unrecognized, except at a level that you cannot even understand yourself. You know you are suffering, and you vaguely know where the pain is coming from; but because the aggression is so well hidden, you are likely to blame yourself instead of the aggressor ”¦ “there must be something the matter with me.”
There probably is something the matter with you, yes. Your problem is that you are the victim of verbal violence and you don’t have the least idea how to defend yourself against it.
Ms. Elgin goes on to list four principles for verbal self defense:
- Know that you are under attack.
- Know what kind of attack you are facing.
- Know how to make your defense fit the attack.
- Know how to follow through.
She also describes the five different types of verbal stances, based on the work of therapist Virginia Satir, which were expanded by therapists John Grinder and Richard Bandler as:
- The Placater
- The Blamer
- The Computer
- The Distracter
- The Leveler
Ms. Elgin explains very clearly the underlying meanings of our language, both spoken and unspoken, by describing the “presuppositions” in our words.
She gives the example of the statement “Even Bill could get an A in that class.” She explains that the unsaid presupposition of that statement, though totally unsaid, is that “Bill is no great shakes as a student and the class is not difficult in any way.”
Her insights into the hidden verbal abuse that is frequently hurled in our direction by others, whether psychopathic or not, is very enabling.
The author also published book called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work, though I have not read a copy of that, I noticed it on www.Amazon.com.
Dear Kathy, you can “hijack” any time you want to, I’ve missed your posts! don’t forget your friends here at LF!
Janie, you are soooo RIGHT as always…I had a therapist tell me once that if there was a 100 pound sack of guilt laying in the middle of the freeway, I would slam on my brakes at 70 mph to stop and pick it up! Yea, ALWAYS have to be “perfect” and not make anyone else uncomfortable, not matter how big a jerk they are.
“Oh, I am soooo sorry you broke your finger when you hit me in the nose for no reason, here let me put some ice on your finger.” LOL
Jane Smith … if you haven’t already read Women who Love Psychopaths, please get it and devour it! It outlines the traits that made us all SPN bait and you are spot on in picking one of them is the need to peace keep and be perceived as ‘nice’ by others.
Here’s a very short quote from it that outlines just a few of the traits – they are explored in great detail in the book:
“Our survey found the temperament traits elevated in women who love
psychopaths are:
1. Extraversion and excitement-seeking
2. Relationship investment and positive sociability
3. Sentimentality
4. Attachment
5. Competitiveness
6. Concern for having others’ high regard
7. Harm avoidance”
(Brown, 2009, p.103)
This chart comes from page 148 and outlines other elements that put women at risk for harm – again I strongly encourage you to get the book – all of us need to read it – it is so healing! It explains every element of our character and personality interplayed with his (or her’s) to show how the relationship developed and how it was so harmful to each victim. Hopefully I can copy and paste the chart now! The traits of women are listed on the right – those of the P are listed on the left eg in the first trait of Co-operativeness you will see it is low for the P and high for the victim – so the victim is moved to co-operate much more. Hope everyone can read this ok!
Figure 8.2
Character Traits of the Psychopath and His Women
Character Traits Typical
Psychopath /Women Who Love Psychopaths
Cooperativeness (C) Total Low High
C1-Social Acceptance Low High
C2-Empathy Low High
C3-Helpfulness Low High
C4-Compassion Low High
C5-Integrated Conscience Low Moderately High
Self-Directedness (SD) Total Low High
SD1-Responsibility No Data High
SD2-Purposefulness No Data High
SD3-Resourcefulness No Data High
SD-4 Self-Acceptance No Data High
SD-5 Congruent Habits No Data High
Self-Transcendence
(ST) Total
Low Average
ST-1 Self-Forgetfulness Low Low Average
ST-2 Transpersonal
Identification
Low Low Average
ST-3 Spiritual Acceptance Low Moderately High
(Brown, S. 2009, p.148)
I think you can buy the book on the Lovefraud site – I purchased from Sandra’s site not knowing that! It has a steep discount at the moment that may not last too much longer. Believe me when I say it is WELL WORTH READING! I sat for hours and devoured the whole lot in one sitting and am now going back to it often to explore elements in more depth.
Oxy – lol @....... the sack of guilt in the middle of the road – you have some great expressions!
Ox I was driving down a road one nite along time ago. There was a full sack of feed laying in the middle of the road! So I stopped to get it. And when I went to pick it up it moved about a foot. Well it skeered the crap out of me..there was a string attached to it and some kids were playing a prank and laughin there ass’s off and running away throught the woods. As for that sack of guilt, I wont ever stop to pick that up. I was tellin a friend today this is the best xmas I have had in years, why? no stress…
JANE SMITH – I so relate with your new found confidence. I respect myself. I respect others. But mess with me and I will lay you out in heart beat. I didnt have this confidence before. I dont deserve to be mistreated by anyone and I wont.
Dear Henry,
Yea, we used to do that kind of thing when I was a kid, rural kids sort of have to come up with their own fun. My grandfather and his friends used to lead someone’s milk cow up a ramp they had constructed into the top loft of a guy’s barn. Then remove the ramp, the problem is, even if they had left the ramp the cow wouldn’t have walked DOWN the ramp.
Also they would disassemble some guy’s wagon and hoist the parts up t othe top of his barn and reassemble it. The best one though was when my grandfather and a bunch of guys locked apig in their professor’s room at college and listened from the other side of the door while he came into the room in the dark, groping for the light bulb chain haning from the ceiling in the center of the room while the 200+ pound hog went rinig around the rosey in the room. That same prankster, my Paternal lgrandfther, who became a fine physician never lost his rural querky sence of humor and was into practical jokes all his life! I guess that is part of where I get my sense of the absurd. But my maternal grandfather, the farmer was just as bad at the practical jokes—but I got him bad but good for the LAST ONE HE EVER PULLED ON ME! After my “revenge” joke, he let me alone after that and though it made him so mad at first that he was going to give me the thrashing of my life (he had never even spanked me before) I let him know it was for revenge of his particularly nasty one that previous spring and he sat back down and never said another word.!!! I will cherish that memory the rest of my life and my punch line to sit him down is a “family by-word” to this day 50 years later! I’m sure glad I thought FAST on my feet that timie! LOL ROTFLMAO One of my happiest memories! Punishment fit that crime!@....... HIS!
The other night at supper my sons got into a “remember when” bunch of old family stories and telling things my husband and I had done that are (in retrospect) funny as all get out! We are starting again to think of stories, even stories of my P son when he was little that bring tears to our eyes with laughter. We tell funny stories and remember them with relish, even if the person was a P, the parts of teh stories of even talking about these people isn’t diminished by what happened before or after the funny event. It is nice to have our family memories back without all the sadness and pain that went with them. Just because a person is a P doesn’t mean they never said or did anything that wasn’t entertaining.
To be able to separate the person from all of the bad memories is starting (just now I think in the past few months) to become possible for us.
I know what you mean Henry, about enjoying Christmas this year. Starting NEW “nono-traditional” Traditions. Son D is going tout of state to be with his Biofamily for the 25th, so his brother and I will be here just the two of us, but that’s OK, we are going to go to town and go to a movie and eat out! the three of us will have a “christmas dinner” at one of our favorite restaturants before son D leaves. Though I enjoy having both guys here, sometimes it is just nice to have just one of them here and we can spend some “quality” time just the two of us.
Tonight after I got home from town I was cooking dinner and son C came up and said “Mom, stop what you are doing for just a minute” and I looked up in teh middle of my food preparation and he stepped up to me, put his arms around me and said “I just need a mommie hug, this was a tough day today at work.” He just held me for a minute, and I could feel the warmth and the love, and even the “little boy” that I can no longer put on my lap, the man and the boy were both there tonight with their arms around me and it felt so good!
Dang, Henry,you got me all sentimental. (hugs)
Thanks for recommending the book, Pollyanna. It’s on my wish list of future books to buy.
Henry, ok that prank by those little imps was hilarious! Totally sounds like something I would do even at my ripe yet still mischievous age…haha!
And, yeah, when your confidence, belief in yourself begins to grow so does an empowering strength. You stop allowing any type of mistreatment towards you. Immediately.
I allowed too much garbage in the past and I just don’t have any tolerance, patience for it any longer. Where once I was hesitant to confront said mistreatment, today I stomp on it pronto.
I don’t care a bit if I’m not liked or accepted by a person who derives sadistic pleasure in hurting others. Why would I? It’s illogical to give a damn what these types of people think. Good, if they dislike me. Keeps them from bothering me after I put a stop to their crap.
I think you’re realizing that yourself. Awesome! You’re totally aware that you have so much to offer, to give and that you shouldn’t settle for one iota less than you deserve.
Being alone, without a love interest is not the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. Far from it. Gives you plenty of time to sort things out within yourself, to learn to appreciate peaceful times of solitude and all the simple, yet glorious treasures that make life so worth living, like your garden and your beloved puppy doggies.
Keep on truckin and keep on sharing because I most certainly care for you. Don’t doubt it in the least.
🙂
Lovely Oxy,
You, my dearest, are also so right!
What’s the purpose in keeping up appearances? None, if you’re a reality, truth oriented person. Why bother caring about the negative opinions of anyone, especially strangers? It’s just downright silly, if you ask me.
This isn’t an era similar to the 18th-19th century when folks pretended to be cordial and polite then stab you in the back when you’re gone. Gossips. Nothing but petty, trite, evil gossips who have such little lives so they entertain themselves by spreading vile rumors against those they are envious of or simply because they’re mean and bored.
Hey, there may be people who are uncouth, rude and obnoxious right off the bat but I prefer to know exactly the type of person they are immediately than to spend time with a disingenuous creep/creepette. No good person enjoys being deceived by someone they thought they could trust.
Really, I ponder all the past instances where I struggled to maintain my composure, my innate niceness in the face of cruelty and flat out psycho episodes and I wonder…why?
It seems so absurd now, of course, but I guess it’s just part of living, learning, absorbing, growing and healing. I don’t regret one darn minute of the pain and heartache. I wouldn’t be the gal I am today and continue to be if not for those tough, yet enlightening experiences.
Dear janey,
yep, that is so true. I remember my egg donor got lme one of those Emily Post books, that told you all the “polite” things, and how you should talk to SERVANTS and others ! LOL Like I was needing to know how to talk kto the maid politely! LOL ROTFLMAO
But, when I did go “bigger places’ than “Mud Puddle, Arkansas,” I did know how to pretend to be “nice” amopng all those upper crust folks, most of whom were NOT nice to the maids they had! LOL
You know one of THE FINEST people I know is pretty uncooth because he was raised in the utter abject poverty of a log cabin without enough roof left to keep the snow out, and only went to school 3 days in his life, but he did well for himself with hard work, honesty and is very respected in this community. He raised and EDUCATED two lovely daughters who are fine women and I would rather be in his presence than the presence of the “elite” and “famous” like Tiger Woods! My friend, with his lack of “upper crust” manners, is still a GENTLEMAN and Tiger Woods is just another lying sex addict and narcissist. (at best!)
Yes, all the things we learned by the “hard times” are better lessons than what we got from the “good times” that turned out NOT to be so “good” either. It also makes me appreciate the PEACE and the REALLY good satisfying things I have now. I don’t regret it either, but it was like CHILD BIRTH, I CAN TELL YOU THAT, lots of pain and work, but worth it!
Henry I can relate to that nice stress free Christmas – that’s how I am feeling too even though the future is uncertain. I don’t have a honey bun to wrap my arms around on Christmas Eve, but neither will I have someone who wishes me harm and evil dining at my table – that’s a pretty huge improvement! I am again reminded of the biblical quote …
“Better a meal of herbs where there is love than a feast where there is none.”
Oxy I will be having a simple and small Christmas day too – more than likely just two or three of us. We’re thinking about hiring a playstation and cracking out singstar and some games – less waiting time for a turn 😛
Was having lunch with my friend today. The subject of the x came up. She said ‘I dont understand the hold he had on you. Your way better than him’ I searched for the words to try to explain, but just changed the subject because ‘I’ know why, but I can’t explain it to her or anyone really..I know you all understand.
And Jane Smith … how about having the book as an early Christmas pressie to yourself? 😀 If I had a credit card and a way of getting it to you I would send it your way ~! It’s that good 🙂 In the meantime I will try to post quotes and snippets here and there that link to what is being discussed on these posts .
I found a couple of the books on my wishlist at my local library … shocking! I was ready to shell out to get them and so glad I didn’t – there are so many books related to this field and I want to read as many as I can. Have you read the Mask of Sanity? It’s pretty well written considering it’s from the 1940s and is available online for free at several locations – that was a defining text in this field and quite a bit of Dr Hare’s Psychopathy checklist symptoms are identical to what Hervey Cleckley published in the 1940’s. Another one available free but harder to read is called ‘The Unfinished Man’ – it’s from the 1880s so makes for tougher reading but nonetheless the explanations, examples and case histories are identical in many ways to what we experience now.
Hugs to you!